Pulse

What does a person say when struck with the inability to form words?

It's hard.

Hell, it feels downright impossible right now.

It feels like there's something lodged in the back of my throat, blocking anything and everything.

Words.

Thoughts.

Air.

In the past, I would go to vigils where those hurt the most found the strength to speak about their pain and their memories of the ones we lost. 49 beautiful souls gone, and yet through our collective hurt, there were those who could speak. They found their words.

Seeing their strength and hearing their words helped me find my own. Though I never spoke them out loud, I was able to find solace internally.

I was able to release what troubled me.

I was able to make it through the day.

Or so I thought.

There's no vigil for me to go to this time.

There's no one to speak and help me find the words that I lack.

There's no release.

There's no strength.

I may be dressed in pride colors today, a shirt that says "Love Wins", but what can I do on this day to reflect and find inner peace? Here, it is not the anniversary, but just another work day.

So far, I have only gone through the motions leading up to today.

Wake up. Get ready. Go to work. Teach. Go home. Gym. Bed.

There's no vigil.

No memorial.

No one here that I can walk into their office, close their door, and cry in front of.

No hugs to help keep it together when I can't find the strength to do it myself.

But, here we are.

Here I am.

June 12th, 2019.

On this day, three years ago, a 29-year-old American security guard, killed 49 people and wounded 53 others in a mass shooting inside Pulse, a gay nightclub in Orlando, Florida. This attack, this act of terror, is the deadliest act of violence in the LGBT+ community has seen today.

In return, we responded with words of love. The speed that various entities responded with in the face of this terror was relieving. I saw hope that people still cared. That despite the hate that others use as their motivating drive, there are even more who won't let them win.

Practically overnight, I saw a change take over Orlando. And it's not with the sudden pride colors popping up everywhere or the various murals that leave you breathless.

It was in the people and what they were saying.

We are Orlando. We are United. We are Love.

We will not let hate win.

I may be half way around the world, struggling to find my words as I work through my emotions, but I know one thing that I won't do.

I won't forget. I will remember. I am Orlando Strong.

And I won't stop dancing.