Ohana

I just finished typing up the crazy that was my life recently. Let me tell you about the calm.

And that calm was my family.

Even with our own issues (what family doesn't have their problems?), they still continue to support me and my shenanigans. I'm so thankful for their kind words, their strong shoulders, and supportive attitudes. October would've been brutal without them.

To my parents, always keeping me out of my head and in the present.

To my big brother, for understanding me when I don't know even who I am.

To my sister-in-law, for being patient.

To my nephew, for being a shining light with his cute smile. 

To my dog-nephew, for always wanting kisses and fresh air when I needed to be out of my head.

To my cat, for making things amusing even when they really shouldn't be.

With my upcoming departure for a minimum of two years and a maximum of four...the physical distance will be great, but per the rules of Ohana....nobody gets left behind or forgotten.

Wouldn't be here without you.

Love,

#SaveOurToya

Rule Number One

 Y'all....you will not believe the craziness I've been through in the last week, let alone the last two months. And after everything, I couldn't not write about it. I do not want another person to go through what I did. So, if you're about to PCS with the DoD, have a pet who will fly with your abroad, getting your Household Goods (HHGs) picked up, and thought you could trust people?

Well, let me tell you...you can't.

That's rule number one. Don't trust anyone. I can't tell you how many times I would learn of something new as I was going through various motions that kind of took my carefully laid plan and through in the garbage disposal. 

Okay, now that the number one rule is written, let's get into the nitty gritty.

Hope you're ready to count, but if you want to skip down to the bottom...and get the tips and tricks like this were a recipe blog....you're more than welcome to do so.

PCS-ing (Permanent Change in Station)

Moving is stressful. Period. There's no getting around that fact. And one thing you definitely don't want happening when you're moving, are systems that aren't working.

After being directed to submit my request to have my HHGs picked up in their online portal early September....nothing happened. Not until I called over two weeks before I departed and they tell me I never submitted my documents. Now mind you, I verified multiple times that my file stated 'submitted' online. 

And yet..."we did not get your forms. When did you email them?"

Me: Since when was I supposed to email them? I was only directed to submit into the portal and that my counselor would get in touch with me.

Rule Number One: Don't trust anyone: 1

Trust: 0

Now, after a week long of negotiating and requesting an exception, my HHGs shipment did not get picked up. And it is now a week before I leave. Outside of that, everything else was pretty much ok. I already gotten all my flights arranged, my hotel for the one night layover I have, and my suitcases packed. All that I had remaining was my cat's health certificate. Which had to be done 10 days before departure.

5 days before I depart, I was informed that my cat needed to have a Rabies Antibody Test (FAVN) completed at least 30 days before departure. I'm no math wiz, but even I know 5 does not equal 30. And her vet told me she wasn't comfortable completing the Health Certificate without it. She listed various reasons of which I understood, but I was also having a break down.

Why did no one mention this sooner? Did no one think to mention this when I called to make Binna's appointment for a Health Certificate? Where I stated where we were going?

Rule Number One: Don't trust anyone: 2

Trust: 0

I did not want to fly without Binna. She's been such a sassy godsend since I adopted her. And while working in a high stress job, she's been what's kept me calm and motivated during a lot of bullshit. The only reason I got up on most days was because I needed to make sure she was taken care of. I've already had to re-home one cat, I could not do it again. I did not have the strength. Not again.

Never. Again.

For a moment there, I considered turning down my new position.

But, I ended up having a delicious dinner and slept deeper than ever. 

When I woke up, I started making plans.

1 - Call around to get verification on if that test was really needed.

2 - Reach out to my sponsor to talk about my situation.

3 - Talk to the HHG people on the soonest everything can be picked up?

3a - Find someone who can be at the apartment to pick everything up.

4 - Health Certificate for Binna...?

5 - Talk to the leasing office about staying longer.

6 - Find Binna potential Pet Transport to Korea...?

7 - Breath.

After many phone calls, not only was I able to verify that if Binna didn't get the test done or have pending results, she would be quarantined in Korea until the results came back. Verified that with the airline.

Early morning, I shot an email to Korea asking my supervisor if she could call me when she could. This was a conversation we needed to have over phone, and not email.

After work, I called Binna's vet and told her what I learned from the airline, she agreed to do the health certificate. She sent me the file to verify the information, and after I clarified the information is correct....guess what I learned next.

"The health certificate also has to be endorsed by the USDA. So...you'll need to pay $121."

Rule Number One: Don't trust anyone: 3

Trust: 0

Now I have an additional payment to make?!

I just realized, I forgot to mention that the FAVN test costs roughly $350.

Rule Number One: Don't trust anyone: 4

Trust: 0

But hey....the health certificate was going to get done. If I was willing to pick up the health certificate, get a money order of $121, and get to Fedex before the last pick up, and I could get it overnighted to the USDA. But of course, there's no guarantee when the health certificate will get back. And i'll have to pay for overnighting fee with Fedex, too.

Rule Number One: Don't trust anyone: 5

Trust: 0

If anyone is keeping track, I'm almost to $500 and that's not even counting Binna's flight tickets. 

While I was running around town, making a (maybe) miracle happen, I get emails saying my HHGs could be picked up 11-2. Maybe. Its peak season, and everything has already been pretty screwy. But hey! My stuff finally has a pick up date!

Almost two weeks after my flight to Korea.

Rule Number One: Don't trust anyone: 6

Trust: 0

I was able to talk to my Leasing Office, they agreed to pushing my date out. 

Rule Number One: Don't trust anyone: 6

Trust: 1

My sponsor called during dinner time (timezones and all that) and I was able to tell her about my whole situation. Bless her. After one conversation with her, I felt not only better, but relaxed. My departure date got pushed back a month to allow for me to be there when my stuff got picked up. And for Binna to get her test results back....hopefully. That way she can fly with me.

Rule Number One: Don't trust anyone: 6

Trust: 2

When I called my leasing office the next day to extend again, not only was I informed that my previous extension request wasn't actually recorded, I would have to switch to the month-to-month rent amount. 

Rule Number One: Don't trust anyone: 7

Trust: 2, 1

Yeah, I asked if the lead leasing office person could give me a call back. So I can verify everything. I spoke to her today. She verified that I would pay a pro-rated amount of what I'm currently paying for November, and that the fee that I would owe by breaking my lease was waived.

Rule Number One: Don't trust anyone: 6

Trust: 1.5

And that's where I am. A departure date set further out, and waiting for things to get done. And like any good recipe blog, here's a recipe to get through PCS-ing with a pet. 

• Make sure your pet has all necessary testing done well in advanced. The FAVN test is good for 2 years, and can take up to a month to process. Do not hope for expedited testing. Testing will cost you money.
• Your pet will need a Health Certificate no more than 10 days old from your departure date. You will need it to be endorsed by the USDA. (Once I know how long it took mine, I will update this post to give a time frame.) This will cost you money. (I'll also list the final cost)
• Make sure your pet is familiar with their kennel (soft or hard, but only soft can be in the main cabin) before their flight. 
• Call your airline (if you have any commercial flights) to add your pet to your ticket. Pet space fills quickly!
• When booking anything, make sure you're always notifying everyone you will have a pet. If you have a cat, make sure you verify there is a litter-box available. 

• Verify two days after you submitted your HHG request. Constantly call. Leave nothing to chance. Assume everything is broken. 
• Make sure you have more than enough time to get your passport taken care of, if you need to request an official one. Go through the official passport office. It'll go much quicker than the post office. Especially if you're doing this during the pandemic era. 
• If you're renting, make sure your leasing office updates the exact dates. 
• Print all necessary docs and make sure you have at least three copies of your flight information. But a copy of your papers in your suitcases.

I will update this list, as more things come together. After all, I'm still stateside for another 30 days.

If there's anything I hope you leave this post with its that when it comes to moving...is to remember Rule Number One. Don't trust anyone, make them prove you differently.

As always,

#SaveOurToya

PS, here's some pictures of Binna after a long read.

Well...Well...Well...

Look who's back.

It's me. (And, I suppose, you, too.)

Must make you wonder why we're back? Well, fear not! This will be a short post.

For the last several months, I've been hard at work in putting things in motion for my next journey in life. And now, I wait for a single email that will decide my fate.

Iowa has been an unexpected chapter that left me with hard truths. A candor so frank that my time here must come to a close. 

Now, as I said, this will be a short post, but I will leave you with this: I'm leaving Iowa.

#SaveOurToya

Know Your Limits

Wildberry Smoothie with Pearls~

If it's one thing this picture doesn't show, it's that quite recently I made a decision for my mental health. And no, it wasn't buying the drink. 

Not completely, anyways.

I rarely talk about this, but a few years ago I was on the road to becoming a functioning alcoholic. I never reached a point that the first thing I drank was alcohol and ended my day on alcohol, but I was definitely falling into the category of becoming reliant on it when I got overwhelmed.

And a few years ago, I had a lot and nothing going on that it was quite common to see rum or tequila filling up one of my glasses. I even had moonshine in the house, at some point. Naturally, if I'm gonna be an alcoholic I'm gonna do it right.

But here's the thing, I caught myself and forced my way out of the bad habits I was developing. I went sober for a long time after that. It wasn't easy, but I managed it. 

These days, I still don't drink. I may partake in something small with a friend or on special occasions. My main rule, never drink when I'm upset, overwhelmed, feeling negative in any way.

Yesterday, I wanted a drink so bad because of a situation I found myself, I realized that something needed to change in my life.

Immediately.

This was a sign that my mental health was standing on the edge of a mountain and looking at the trees below with the babbling brook and majestic waterfall in the distance.

Last night, I could almost taste my homemade rum punch and how it would dance with my taste buds to make my day better. I could hear the ice clinking in my glass. I could see how the rum and mango/passion fruit juice mixed together in a sweet temptation. I could smell that tropical getaway in a glass yesterday and I was scared.

How could a situation have gotten so out of hand that I was back to this?

Small things, that's how.

But you know what? Despite where I found myself, I knew what I had to do. I needed to take myself out of the situation.

Was it easy?

No.

Did I still try?

Yes.

And I'm glad I did, because within 24 hours, a solution was found. These coming weeks, I might still teeter on the edge, wanting to drink and get through it without having to put in the effort. But I can't do that.

I can't.

I need to process it, clear headed and with my own strength.

This is why it's important to speak up. Yes, it's terrifying. Maybe some would say a sign of weakness, admitting you need help.

But isn't it a sign of strength facing your fears and weaknesses head on?

The decision that was made wasn't just me, it was those I consider honored to know who helped me come to a solution. They asked me questions, they helped me craft my wording, supported me before I even knew I needed help standing tall.

It may have been my mental health that told me my crown was slipping, but it was my people who helped steady it.

#SaveOurToya

My Story #BlackLivesMatter

The day someone told me I looked like my mother, I almost cried. For years, I've always heard that I looked like my father. And when I think about it, I can maybe see it.

My nose.

My height.

And when my dad had hair, we have the same hair line. 

We especially can't forget these baby cheeks!

But when people say I look like my father, I wonder if that's what they see or if it's my beautiful milk chocolate skin that relegates me as black.

And that's why I look like my father.

Black = black, right?

I wonder, did other biracial kids ever think about this? Did they wonder if people thought of them as charity cases when they were with their white parent? That my white parent wasn't mine? 

So often, I would have these thoughts, but have no one to talk to about it.

Being biracial puts you in a spot that you can't get out of. I'm not fully black, but I'm not fully white. I will never know the true experience of either side. On one side, I'm supposed to have privilege and the other is oppressed and lost. I have both and none. 

I can't say when I started to put myself to a lower status than my own mother because of the color of my skin. I do know it was around the time I started to notice people's gazes on us. At some point, I would try to hide my 'blackness' when I was with my mother. I would take care of how I would speak. I would do whatever I could to promote my German half over my black half. 

And is that weird. I don't see my white half as white. But German. I have never labelled myself as "half-caucasian/white", only "half-German". Bi-racial and bi-cultural, that is who I am, but growing up, I couldn't reconcile both sides. 

Believe it or not, when I was younger, before the stares and fumbling attempts at adulting, I took pride in the color of my skin. It was what set me apart from those around me. Goodness, I can remember looking up to my older brother and thinking he was so amazing. And that I could never surpass how cool he was. 

But I had something he didn't have and that was my milk chocolate-y skin color. It was also the one thing that I could see at any time that I wanted without a mirror and have a connection to my father. After all, being an Army brat isn't easy. Sure, you get to travel and meet new people and experience new cultures, but at what cost?

Did you know there was a point in my life that the first time I 'met' my father, I couldn't communicate with him? That I thought he was a stranger? It wasn't because I was a baby and just recently born. But because he was doing his duty for America and hadn't been around those first few years. I spoke German and he spoke English. I can't even imagine what that must've felt like for him to come back and not even be able to speak to his only daughter. 

I am proud of my father and proud of what he's given me. 

I am proud of who I am and the color of my skin. 

But growing up....I was ashamed. My milk chocolate skin was becoming a hindrance and I hated...I hated that I was shunning half of who I am because others thought of me as less. 

It took me years to learn how to accept myself again. 

You know...I wonder why I never spoke to my parents about how I felt? I mean, parents are supposed to fix it all, right? I'm like 99.99% certain my mother is magic and my dad would move heaven and Earth for my brother and me just to ensure our happiness. 

Yet...I said nothing.

I couldn't confide in my awesome older brother, either.

All of my thoughts and emotions, I kept them all to myself. I wonder if that's why I felt so numb when I was younger? Why it took forever to notice my depression and anxiety? 

I was so focused on being perfect and not a burden for my parents and brother, that I forgot about me. 

I can speculate that the reason I never said anything was because at home, skin color wasn't a defining piece. We were simply, mom, dad, older brother, and me. I know my family kept me sheltered. I was the baby of the family, after all. It was like an unspoken rule that we didn't let the outside world come between us. 

The first time I joined the race discussion was in college. Of course, I was confronted by racism every damn day. Just because I didn't know what words to use or how to express my experiences, doesn't negate what was happening around me, with me, inside of me. That first semester in Sociology is what gave me the first tools to express my own experiences. 

While kids younger than me were getting the 'sex talk', I was getting the 'race talk'...at least...the beginning notions of it.

Since then, I've been doing my own readings, joining discussions, and learning to come to an agreeable peace within myself.

But every time I think I found peace or made progress in someone getting it, I see another brother or sister taken away.

I hear that even when doing nothing, we are still targeted, deemed less.

Just the other day, amidst the protests and a day before George Floyd's funeral, I learn of something that leaves me disgusted with certain individuals that I know. Instead of speaking up, instead they hold their silence. 

Must be nice having the option to be silent, but I guess you can still breath. I guess you don't have to keep your hands up or worry that you'll be shot in your own home by the police. I guess someone says your name just fine.

To those who do speak up, thank you. Thank you so, so much. 

To those who want to do more, it's hard to find what you can do. Maybe you're limited financially or you're not the type to protest in front of the capitol. There's always something you can do. Spread the word, educate those around you, show your support when you can. (Twitter thread for #BLM resources)

For me...this is how I can contribute. Let me show you how racism has effected me. Let me tell my story.

#BlackLivesMatter

How's Iowa?

What I see when I'm walking into work

It's good. I've been here for three weeks and I haven't had much room to complain. Except for the cold. I'm not sure how I'm gonna do come winter time, but that's for future!Toya to figure out. Right now, I'm enjoying the first touches of spring hitting the area. I can't wait to see life take a new breath this year.

Yesterday alone I saw downtown come to life as people were out and about, seeing the area, enjoying good food, and even going on bike rides. Seeing the happy cyclists is urging me to buy my own bike!

In fact, I have so many plans going in and out of my head that I've begun to overwhelm myself with everything that I want to do and feel frustrated that I can't do it. The impatience I feel right now...I can't recall a time it's ever been this bad.

My home~

This new life I'm leading is nothing like the other times I've had to start over somewhere new. Thanks to my parents, I'm no stranger to it. I've lived on three different continents in four different countries in my 26 years, but I've moved a lot more than that. I'd have to say that I've moved about 10 times, but this latest move has me in a jumble of wants and needs.

But my training at work leaves me exhausted and unwilling.

And there had been the jetlag....

And the no furniture for two weeks....

And my parents visiting....

And the whole 'moving so you're gonna spend a lot of money and should be aware of how LITTLE you have for play time'...

I suppose I should be thankful that my training is telling me to 'calm down'. It has allowed me to get all of the necessary adulting in order. Like my license plate, driver's license, my bills (so pricey!), and establishing my work schedule.

My first view of Iowa

Getting my routine down has helped settle me into my new place better than anything else. It's allowed me to ignore the ache in my heart up until very recently.

In the last 48-ish hours, I've come to the jarring realization that I left a piece of myself in Korea. The part of me that felt like I came home to a place I never knew was...well, home. During my time in Korea, I never felt the culture shock we were told to keep an eye out for. I felt at home almost immediately.

And at that time, I barely knew a thing about Korea except my favorite kdrama and singers.

It's no surprise that after living there for a year and a half that a piece of myself stayed behind.

But you know what else? This isn't the first time I felt like a piece of myself was left behind in a far away land. The first time was when I left Germany, and every time after.

Maybe that's why I cling so tightly to my German heritage when I'm in America. Why I refused to lose my German even a little bit. It's been a long time since I lived in Germany, with only a couple visits back, but it's easier on me to be away. Those departures came knowingly, not abruptly like it did for me to move here.

I found out I was leaving Korea a week before it happened. I didn't have time to prepare myself or even acknowledge that I left. This disconnect is a lot more sensitive...raw.

That being said, I am still looking forward to this new journey.

#SaveOurToya

300 Questions

As a teacher, I've learned that writing my own tests is essential to my students' education.

There are, of course, pros and cons.

Pros:
- Vocab is definitely something they've studied
- Format is familiar
- Directions are simplified

Cons:
- Takes a lot of time
- Students still don't read the directions
- Could be very long

My usual practice of assessing my student's abilities are vocabulary quizzes. They don't know this, but next year, they'll be tested on more than just spelling. This year, I have taken the time to gear them up to be more effective in their English. Speaking sentences and a better grasp on their spelling and listening abilities. I've also worked on their reading abilities. But the only  TEST  they've had are spelling tests.

In addition, my school likes to challenge the students in creative or 'not so creative' ways. For English, they've come up with the idea of a semester exam. The exam is completely voluntary, covers the entire semester, and they could win a prize depending on how many points they earn on it!

I think it's a fun idea.

What's not so fun about it is that it is a test that I write.

Four different times.

During everything that has been happening this last semester, I wrote up 4 exams with a total of  300 questions. Each exam has 7 parts that cover their textbook information, storybook stuff, and whatever other shenanigans we may have covered that semester. If I was going to write this exam and the students could win something, I am going to test. them.

It took me two weeks to complete these exams. Matching the formatting, working with Korean Microsoft Word, and keeping my students' varied levels in mind, I completed the task asked of me.

I'm pretty proud of the exams that I wrote.

And I think the reason I was so proud of them is because my students were at a level that I felt comfortable challenging them the way I did. They've come so far in their English.

I am extremely proud in their abilities!!

Now, as many of my posts, there is a 'can someone explain to me' moment that follows right after setting the stage.

That moment is now.

Can someone explain to me why I was told that 'so-and-so' would be printing out these exams so I don't have to worry about it, and yet someone still came looking for me, asking where the exams were?

Also, why was this person told I was proctoring (invigilating) the exam? I didn't even know when the exam would be today.

The only exam I knew about was the one during 5th period due to extenuating circumstances. I had to sit on that one, and I didn't mind. I wasn't teaching and could do it.

Clearly, there was some miscommunication (yet again).

While I knew the exam was today, I didn't know 100% if I would be sitting in on it or not. I had hoped that if I was needed for the exam, someone would come tell me within 5 minutes of the exam per their usual MO.

Alas, what actually happened wasn't that.

There was me who had no idea who was taking the test, when exactly the test was, and if I needed to be there.

There was the test organizer who I have no idea where they were or what they arranged.

There was the admin person who was supposed to print them out, but didn't know? (I think...)

There was the test proctor (invigilator) who thought I was handling the printing and would join.

So!

When the test was supposed to start (7th period, surprise, surprise), whatever false sense of security was felt for this exam went out the window. I don't know who dropped the ball and I'm not mad at them.

The only thing I hope is that people will start to wake up and see what is happening. It's a bit painful to put so much time and effort into my projects, but get little return.

Did you know I wasn't even included in the teacher group photo they had this week?

#SaveOurToya

This Needs to Stop

RANT TIME.

Cuz what the fuck is this?!

I got so angry about this dumb situation that I had to call my mom to calm down.

Last week, I was told that I had no classes to teach on Monday. None. Nada. Nix. Zero.

So, like the sensible person I was, I went ahead and got started for my monster of a class load on Tuesday. I have 7 classes on Tuesdays. If I can take more time for lesson planning, that's fantastic!

-Monday-

Now...can someone please tell me why I was told this morning why I was told I was teaching forty minutes before the lesson. Oh, and it's only for 20 minutes.

Of course, I can totally throw something together for this, but here's the thing...

I didn't wanna.

Last week, something similar happened. I was told ten minutes into a lesson that the class was back on my schedule at it's normal time and not the time it was adjusted to for a field trip. Because the students took the trip earlier in the week.

Not that I was told.

Nope.

That time, I had a lesson prepped, as the class time was just moved to later in the day.

But this time. I had no lesson.

My brilliant students finished their textbook last week and are technically done with 6th grade English class.

Okay, so there I was, being told I have to teach a 20 minutes lesson and had 40 minutes to prep. I came up with something, and it required minimal teacher input. It was very student-centered in that they were leading the class and my job would only require to ask leading questions to guide the conversation.

Now, before I continue, I would like to say that my nerves were already testy. I only had 3 hours of sleep last night. And anyone who suffers from sleep deprivation knows how delicate your grasp on your emotions can be. If you're not god awful tired and at the point of giving 'no fucks', you're balancing on a delicate ledge that a puff of breath can and will push you off.

This impromptu change in my schedule had me struggling to find my balance, but in the end I found it.

I walk up to the classroom I'd be teaching in (science room), and guess...fucking...what....

No one...

...showed up...

...at fucking all. 

I had to message friends asking if my irritation was justified and it wasn't the sleep deprivation talking.

I had to call my mother to get myself back into a 'social' function that wouldn't have me snapping anyone's head off.

Last year, I didn't get to feel the 'Christmas spirit' because of nonsense like this. Now, with a year and a half under my belt, I'm not letting this shit break me.

It won't.

It...can't.

If it does, I don't think I'll be able to make it until July.

#SaveOurToya

Nice, really nice...

With emotions rubbed tender, the air quality reaching unhealthy levels, and soon to be thrown under the bus (not really, I just wasn't expecting it) by my classmates, I found myself apathetically taking my Korean Exam last night.

The exam could've been much harder, and I am thankful that it wasn't. By the end of it, I finished my final semester off with a 98% on my exam, a certificate of completion, and (to my utter surprise) an award of excellence (모범상). Unlike the Korean class during my Orientation period, I did much better.

So much better.

And I also got a cute present with my 모범상. A reusable cup that also works as a cellphone stand and two chocolate lollipops.

When I got home last night, it seemed as many of my worries from the day were gone.

It was nice.

Really nice. :)

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For about an hour.

Then I found myself unable to fall asleep for reasons unknown. -__-

#SaveOurToya

EXPOSED

I feel like an exposed wire today.

I am one touch away from breaking. It's exactly what I need for my big test this evening.

Not a good cry...or anything.

#SaveOurToya

The Bystander and the Victim

Ever find yourself in a situation where you have no idea what is going on, but you know you should do something?

Say something?

That happened to me this past weekend. 

At first, I didn't do anything, because I couldn't figure out what I could do. According to Wikipedia's Bystander Effect page, "[t]he bystander effect, or bystander apathy, is a social psychological claim  that individuals are less likely to offer help to a victim when other people are present; the greater the number of bystanders, the less likely it is that one of them will helps". There are many factors that contribute to becoming a bystander. 

A couple of such factors happen to be ambiguity and diffusion of responsibility, and that's what I had to struggle with Saturday night.

What I saw was a well-dressed, emotionally unstable woman (crying, shoving people away) sitting on the ground, surrounded by a group of men.

So badly, I wanted to jump in, ask her if she was okay. But I couldn't.

It wasn't like we were in a dark alley way or some remote location. We were on one of the main roads with heavy traffic. Many people were walking by and were clearly watching what was going on.

And unlike myself, they understood what everyone was saying. 

I had no idea as to what was going on and I didn't know what options I had as a foreigner. You hear enough horror stories that when a foreigner is involved, they get blamed almost automatically. In situations like these, you feel powerless. 

So...so...powerless. 

My friends and I came back later to see what was going on, during that time, I told myself I would ask my school what I should do in those situations moving forward.

Instead of hearing about actions I could make, I heard victim-blaming. 

"That area is known for such things. Very common occurrence."

"A young woman, right?"

"She probably drank a lot."

"She gave herself to a demon."

The fact I wasn't asked, 'what was she wearing?' was an almost bigger shock than what I was hearing.

I was hoping to hear solutions!

Not....this.

But you know what else I noticed? Grand scheme after I worked through my reaction, I wasn't actually that surprised. I was more so effected by how blatant the victim-blaming was compared to the usual underhanded tactics that happen in my day to day.

The crap that once happened in my classroom in the Fall of 2018 was much worse than the stuff that happens now. Why? Because I nip it in the bud as soon as I notice something is going down or about to happen.

I've gotten really good at snapping my student's names out. Especially when it's not their nicknames. I'm not afraid to kick a student out of my classroom or give punishment tasks. I would have them scrubbing cauldrons in a heartbeat if this were Hogwarts!

When I hear them go, 'so and so did this', I am quick to have them do their own self-reflection. So-and-so may have done something annoying, but you're the one attempting to hit, kick, or throw their stuff out of the classroom.

Eye for a tooth, and tooth for an eye, any kind of revenge is not tolerated.

Maybe I'm playing hardball here because my classroom is something I can at least pretend I have control over.

I hope my students are learning/seeing what it means to take part and standing up when things aren't going right. Of course, they don't see that I'm floundering about on my best and worst days.

Perhaps a 'see something, say something' lesson is needed.

I don't know...

What I do know is that being powerless sucks.

#SaveOurToya

There's a List

Strap yourselves in boys and girls and people. It's been a couple of weeks since I last posted and who knows what craziness I'm about to impart upon you today.

Best to get the big things out of the way, shall we?



Number 1 (and yes, we have a list.)

Who da fuck spilled coffee on my desk?

It sure as hell wasn't me. I don't drink the hot bean water. To be frank, it's not my cup of tea. (hehe...get it?)

So someone, who I don't know but am quite certain drinks coffee, was sitting at my desk and had a little "oopsie". Thankfully, nothing important got ruined. Just some of my scrap paper that I like to reuse cuz I'm all eco-friendly that way.

But still.

Someone spilled coffee and didn't have the nerve to tell me.

Strike(s): 1


Number 2

Why wasn't I told my class were cancelled?

I'm used to being told the morning of my classes if they were going to be cancelled. After a year of it happening randomly (for me, not so random for everyone else), you build up a casual acceptance of, 'ah...okay'. And if a class is cancelled, it's not the end of the world. You can just move your lesson plan to the next time you have that class. Even if you had a themed event that you really wanted to share with your students because of a holiday, and it really shouldn't be moved, but here we are? Yeah. I know how to roll with the punches, even then.

But when it comes to one of my students informing me the period right before the 'cancelled' class and my co-teacher saying nothing, I have some problems.

I go to confront said teacher, and she goes, 'oh right! Yes, but not really. Only 7th period. It's a chicken party that we knew of for the last two weeks. You will be teaching during 8th period.'

Guess who didn't teach 8th period either...

Strikes: 3 (they got 2 strikes, for the double cancellation)


Number 3

Yesterday, I learned of something worse than last minute class cancellations. Last minute class additions.

Y'all...let me tell you how I work.

Because I've found a self-love for myself during that fuck-up of a time from a few months ago, I no longer bring my work home. Almost everything is done between work hours. Per my contract, that's a total of 40 hours. 22 of those hours, I am teaching (if classes aren't cancelled), and the other 18 are left for lesson planning.

Now, my lesson planning is down to a fine art. I don't prep a week in advance. I wish I could, but I don't. I lesson plan within 24-48 hours before the class.

Why?

Because I want to have taught the class beforehand to understand what needs to be worked on in the next class. Or hey, maybe we didn't get as far as I hoped to and can be less stressed as I ctrl+c and ctrl+v for a hot second.

Or in much, much simpler terms.

If my class is on Wednesday, I start planning on Monday and finialize by the end of my last free period on Tuesday.

Apparently, the teachers in my school thought, 'oh Toya's more than prepared. She always is. Let's just shift 2 classes forward, so now she's teaching 4 class this morning, and she should've already have been in her first class ten minutes ago. She's got this.'

To say I didn't have a mini-freak out and questioned my life choices would be a dirty, dirty lie.

I showed up, 15 mins late to my first (SURPRISE) class. Instead of giving them a proper lesson, we got to watch the wholesome movie Klaus on Netflix. Happy Holidays, y'all.

My other surprise class, I couldn't prepare for either but I showed up on time (small win!). I was still teaching my normal class schedule and those classes sat between my first surprise class and my second surprise class. Aka, no free time. They got to finish watching their semester movie and start watching Home Alone. "Merry Christmas, you filthy animals."

Strikes: 6


Number 4

Since my Wednesday schedule was thrown out of wack, for the last 5 hours, I have been finalizing 4 separate exams that my students will be taking in two weeks. You know, instead of spreading it over two days, alongside lesson planning for the next day, it got all packed into today.

I knew, at some point, that switch inside of me flipped. You know the one.

The fuck it switch.

Grade 3 and 4, sure as hell better be thankful, because Grade 5 and 6, that test is playing hardball. It's the type of test written by those teachers you hear about throughout your entire academic career. The teacher who "won't take your shit, so be sure to do it right the first time".

I meet with my coteacher tomorrow to discuss the exams. Unless there's an error, I'm not feeling to kind to making changes.

That may make me a bad teacher, but the hand-holding needed to stop at some point.  Why not for a competition test that these kids should have been preparing themselves for for the last three months?

Strikes: 10


Number 5

Now, let's rewind to Monday. It's only the second day of December. I was feeling pretty good. No mystery coffee, no cancelled class, no added classes, and no test finalizing.

My classes for the day were prepped on Friday and I had the drafts finished for the big tests done too. My weekend was solid (for once in a really, really, really long time) and I haven't had to deal with any racist bullshit.

The only thing I had to really be concerned about was my Korean test the following evening.

Then my co-teacher showed up and was asking for the Winter Camp lesson plans (that were never requested for until just now).

Which were not done. I had a stickie note of a rough outline, but nothing to be submitted.

So, I asked when she would like it.

Joker had the thought to have them due today. As in, the day the four big exams were due.

I think something in me knew. It just knew, "Don't you fucking agree, La Toya."

I didn't. I asked for it to be due the following week.

Thankfully, she agreed.

Unfortunately, I didn't get the form.

Strikes: 11


Number 6

It's fucking cold.

These days, I'm up to 4 layers when I leave my apartment. It's so cold, my eyes start crying without me even realizing. (It could be from the rage, but I'm like 99% certain it's the cold.)

Strikes: 15 (one strike for every layer)


Real Talk

Despite all these frustrating, mentally exhausting, when is my vacation, headache-inducing stress, some good things are happening too.

This year, I'm feeling the Christmas spirit. I feel unconditionally happy. I've gone to see Christmas lights and I'm even getting egg nog this year! I signed up to be a Santa Shopper for Samsungwon and doing a Secret Santa thing with my friends. (Which is wild, cuz I suck at shopping for people.) I'm also feeling all, 'let's share the Christmas joy' and want to bake Christmas cookies for my school and share my egg nog with them.

My Korean studies are moving along nicely. I have my big cumulative exam next week, and I'm not even nervous for it. I've made some good friends in that class. It's made the whole trip to Daegu every week more worthwhile. Though, after this test, I am switching back to self-study. I have come to realize that I'm actually pretty good at the self study bit, I just need to be more active in using what I learned. Cuz, yes, I can do it.

I've rekindled my passion for writing. I fully acknowledge that I want to write a book. Badly. No clue who would read it, beside my mom...s. (Yes, I recognize that I have more than one mom.) The funny thing is, what broken my writing hiatus that I've had since 2012 was the fact that I played the Sims4. The game has allowed me to visualize my stories, allowed me to play out various scenes, and when my Sims were on their own, give me plot twists that even leave me astonished.

I love myself. I'm not trying to sound self-absorbed, but I love myself. I really, really do. Finally, the relationship I've had with myself is turning for the better. I can finally see it. I'm pretty fucking amazing. I'm not sure when it all just...snapped into place. Maybe it was me acknowledging my real limits, a Christmas miracle, or I leveled up while I was sleeping, but it's beautiful.

I saw Frozen 2. I'm not going to talk about the songs, or the artwork, or the transformative "qualities" of the movie. What I am going to talk about is that for a solid minute or two, I was in literal body shaking, tears falling, hand slapping, mouth covering hysterics all because of a single snowman who likes warm hugs.

After this month, I have 7-ish months left until I leave Korea. It's a bittersweet thought. I've made a life here. My kids drive me up the wall, but I adore them as well.

And who knows...maybe...I'm just done with teaching in 7-ish months.

#SaveOurToya

High Beginner...I guess?

A while ago, I wrote about reaching a goal point in my language learning. I also mentioned that I was starting up my Korean classes again.

I am officially two weeks into my classes and I already scored 100% on my first test.

My reward: getting popcorn at the movies tonight.

But I didn't just stop at signing up for classes. I also made a language exchange partner! We've met once and speak often on KakaoTalk, but it's still a relatively new relationship. I hope to write more about the experience later.

As to why I got an exchange partner...well, I kind of fell into it. It started with a conversation with a friend about their language acquisition, then downloading an app, and then posting like I was on Facebook, but with less memes and more Korean. Within two weeks of actively using the app, I made a few connections to various people for language exchange, but only one we've agreed to meeting a second time and committing to each other as exchange partners.

I'm really hoping that my speaking will improve. I can do a lot with textbooks, SMS, and Duolingo, but speaking isn't one of them. At work, I'm there to be an English teacher. At home, I want to be able to connect with other English speakers again.

However, a promised exchange is a bit of both worlds.

And so far...it's going great!

Let's just hope it stays that way...

#SaveOurToya

Wait...I'm 26?

In Korea, your age is a little different than what you're used to when you come from a Western country. To put it simply, when you are born, you don't start with 'so and so months old', you are officially 1-year-old. My understanding of that reasoning is that the months spent in your mother's belly....well, they count too.

Now, I'm not going on to the topic of 'pro-life vs pro-choice', I am simply stating a fact on how your age is determined in Korea.

Therefore, as a person born in the lovely year of 1993 as I am, I am 27 years old in Korea.

And as my birthday was today (Sept 4th), I am 26 years old in the States.

However, as I live in Korea I give out my Korean age.

Talk about a shock to my system when someone told me 'happy 26th birthday' this morning. Well, that was after I read about someone else telling me to wish my dad a happy birthday first.

Now, to put that into context, let me explain. My dad and I don't share a birthday. His is the day before mine. We've never had an issue in all the 27...26 years I'd been alive.

Until now.

I wasn't pissed off or told the person off. I simply took a screenshot and sent it in the family group chat. And then...maybe I was a little petty. I redacted the person's name and photo on the screen, added the something along the lines of 'nothing like getting told to wish someone else happy birthday on your own birthday' and posted it to my Facebook stories. I didn't even care if that person saw it or not.

"But what about the time zones, Toya?"

What about them?

Personally, I find it a slap in the face when a person doesn't take the time to look into such matters. It's really not that difficult, ESPECIALLY with technology. I'm not asking for you to find the position of the sun and calculate the wind speed to find out the time difference (note: I have no clue how to ACTUALLY find out the time difference).

A simple 'hey google? What's the time difference between here and South Korea?" would suffice.

Hell, you could even message me and simply ask first, then write your message appropriately.

"Oh, I didn't realize it was your birthday afterwards!"

I'm not asking you, too. Though it may seem like it, I'm not. However, if you know my dad's, you should know mine. But on the off-chance you don't know my birthday, then I guess you should have my dad's number. Seeing as you can remember his birthday. Then you can call and message him directly. Or hell, message my mother...you know...his wife. Who is actually with him. Not the daughter who lives in South Korea.

Oh...is my pettiness showing?

You know what, no. This isn't pettiness. This is my irritation being vented out.

Fear not! My birthday wasn't all bad~!

My students made it memorable with their wild antics that were calmed down by their more shy classmates. I got a few presents and many well-wishes. I felt their love.

Truly.

After school, I had a goal of going to buy a blueberry cake. The bakery didn't have it, so I settled for a few baked goods that I brought home and enjoyed while watching my new Drama.

Despite how my morning started, my birthday ended pretty well!

#SaveOurToya

Year 2

A beautiful summer view of a Namsan trail

Clearly, it's been over a year since this blog's conception. During that time, I've had some wild and...not so wild adventures; many unforgettable memories to say the least.

Now, as some of you know, I've been a bit unsure of the SaveOurToya blog. My original vision just didn't seem like it would be a good fit anymore for year 2.

However, fret not!

My hot ride around Geochang

(That's right. I said, 'fret'.)

Year 2 won't be any less boring! In fact, it's going to be active.

So...so...active.

If you follow me on instagram (@SaveOurToya), you're well aware that I've started up running again.

A new fondness for archery
>__<!!!

And not just any ol'running. I'm training to run a 5k again. It's been over a year since my last 5k in June 2018, which hadn't focused on beating my PR. The run in June wasn't for breaking my record. It had been for a more personal matter. My best time had been earlier that year, where I'd almost run a complete 5k.

I remember feeling so proud of myself. Sure, I played soccer for roughly 8 years, but...I don't know. Being able to consistently run for that long of a distance without dying of suffocation was pretty fucking awesome for me. I was a lazy sports person back in my day.

I'm not even kidding. I could play a 90mins soccer game straight through, but tell me to go run a mile in gym and I hated everything.

I also remembered that on that day of my almost 100%-5k-run, I felt almost unstoppable in my journey to get fit.

And I want that feeling back.

So, here's to my new health goals!

Otter pond at 5:30am with mountains slowly peaking out
from the fog. 

1) Run a 5k in Korea. (If I can buy the damn ticket: Seoul Marvel Run 2019 this October.)
2) Lose 27kg/60lbs. (Already lost about 3kg/6lbs, but the first few are always the easiest to lose!)
3) Get 8 to 9 consistent hours of sleep. (I've struggled with this since high school, but I will win!)
4) Become part of the Geochang early af community. (I'm already greeted by some ahjummas with '굿모닝' and its the cutest thing.)

And my last goal...

Geochang at dusk

5) Officially drop 10 pants sizes from my biggest size in October 2017 (I've already dropped 6 since then, soooooo 4 more to go~!)

Just thinking about the journey I've started sometimes leaves me overwhelmed. I can best sum it up as: Toya = GAH!

Wish me luck, yall.

I'll need it.

#SaveOurToya

Where did it Go?

Where has the time gone?

One minute I was enjoying my time in Busan with friends and the next, I've started my second year in Korea with changes everywhere I look.

And with my second year, I've contemplated what I wanted to do with my blog. My original intention was to highlight my time in Fulbright/Korea, but now...I'm not sure what I want to post anymore. It's become a bit of a challenge.

I've contemplated a few things, like switching to a podcast or video format.

I guess this post is just a warning. A warning that I might be switching things up in the next few months.

Keep an eye out~!

#SaveOurToya

Goal Point~!

Just now...I finished Mango Languages' Basic Korean unit, and I can't even contain how I feel right now! I had to rush to SaveOurToya and talk about this!!!

I don't know about you, but when it comes to language studying, it's hard to stay committed. It is so easy to just....stop studying, because of xyz reason. It happens. Alot.

Without fail.

At least it did for me. (Still does, who am I kidding.)

Anyways. 

My goal when I came to Korea was to be at an intermediate level where I could have at least casual conversations with people.

And while what I do when I talk to be people isn't comfortable or even casual, I'm still having conversations! (I swear, this one taxi driver....every morning, he's trying to pull me into conversation about one thing or another.) However, I don't know if I could be considered at an 'intermediate level' right now. Perhaps a 'high beginner'?

That being said and having accomplished this one goal, one of many that I have for learning Korean...it is time that I switch my studying up again. (Can't stick to one resource, after all~!) Despite the exhaustion I have thinking about it, I am going to commit to taking Korean lessons at the YMCA in Daegu, once again, starting in September.

I look forward to seeing how my Korean will improve by the time Christmas comes around! Who knows, maybe I'll be able to write a post in Korean?

#SaveOurToya

GoodBye

Isn't saying goodbye one of the hardest things to get through?

All these feelings and memories popping up as you say goodbye not giving you a moments' peace.

Ugh.

It's getting harder and harder to write this post.

Apparently, I still haven't found my voice.

Now, this post isn't even a 'see you later' goodbye, but a 'I don't know when I'll ever see you again' goodbye. And I am literally the WORST at those kinds of goodbyes.

I never know what I'm supposed to say or do. I'm like that person who will go for the high five when you go for the fist-bump.

Oh dear god.

I'm that awkward parent trope that's trying to stay woke.

I know I act like a retired grandma who is 100% done with people's shit and wondering when I get my next nap, but really? Have I truly made it to the point that I can't do social interactions anymore?

**DEEP BREATH**

Okay. I can do this.

This post is about goodbyes.

This week, a majority of the Fulbright 2018-19 cohort are going home, saying goodbye to their time in Korea and hello to their next part in life. It's a kind of...bittersweet change. Though I wasn't very travel or social heavy like the rest of my cohort (retired grumpy grandma, remember?), it's still odd to think that after this week, they won't be in the country to reach out to. Those 79 people that survived an 8-week Orientation with, not crossing a river boundary, reluctantly obeying FEP dress regulation DESPITE the heat, battling for the washer and dryers, and enjoying soju outside the nearby 7/11s.

Mentioned in an earlier post, I described how I was at a loss of words during this transitioning time.

I'm still clearly affected, but...I can feel that I'm also just so much closer to my voice for the coming year.

On August 19th, 2018, I wrote about 79 goodbyes and 80 hellos. I wished my cohort all the best during their time in Korea. Now, as it closes out for most of them, I wish to extend similar well -wishes to them as they move to their next journey.

To those who are renewing a second year like I am, may this second year be just as fantastic (if not more) than our first year!

And to the new first years...may you forge new memories that you may never forget!

#SaveOurToya

Pulse

What does a person say when struck with the inability to form words?

It's hard.

Hell, it feels downright impossible right now.

It feels like there's something lodged in the back of my throat, blocking anything and everything.

Words.

Thoughts.

Air.

In the past, I would go to vigils where those hurt the most found the strength to speak about their pain and their memories of the ones we lost. 49 beautiful souls gone, and yet through our collective hurt, there were those who could speak. They found their words.

Seeing their strength and hearing their words helped me find my own. Though I never spoke them out loud, I was able to find solace internally.

I was able to release what troubled me.

I was able to make it through the day.

Or so I thought.

There's no vigil for me to go to this time.

There's no one to speak and help me find the words that I lack.

There's no release.

There's no strength.

I may be dressed in pride colors today, a shirt that says "Love Wins", but what can I do on this day to reflect and find inner peace? Here, it is not the anniversary, but just another work day.

So far, I have only gone through the motions leading up to today.

Wake up. Get ready. Go to work. Teach. Go home. Gym. Bed.

There's no vigil.

No memorial.

No one here that I can walk into their office, close their door, and cry in front of.

No hugs to help keep it together when I can't find the strength to do it myself.

But, here we are.

Here I am.

June 12th, 2019.

On this day, three years ago, a 29-year-old American security guard, killed 49 people and wounded 53 others in a mass shooting inside Pulse, a gay nightclub in Orlando, Florida. This attack, this act of terror, is the deadliest act of violence in the LGBT+ community has seen today.

In return, we responded with words of love. The speed that various entities responded with in the face of this terror was relieving. I saw hope that people still cared. That despite the hate that others use as their motivating drive, there are even more who won't let them win.

Practically overnight, I saw a change take over Orlando. And it's not with the sudden pride colors popping up everywhere or the various murals that leave you breathless.

It was in the people and what they were saying.

We are Orlando. We are United. We are Love.

We will not let hate win.

I may be half way around the world, struggling to find my words as I work through my emotions, but I know one thing that I won't do.

I won't forget. I will remember. I am Orlando Strong.

And I won't stop dancing.

Changes Are Coming

It's been about two months since my anxiety attack over trash. Lots of things have happened since then.

I've been to Jeju for the Fulbright Spring Conference, Sports Day at my school, various Korean holidays, and even, my parents came to visit me.

Each moment has something that I could talk about, but for some reason, I found myself struggling to talk about it. At first, I wasn't sure what's been going on, but my words were lacking.

Which is odd.

In Jeju, I was able to hear the ocean every night as I fell asleep.

At Sports Day, I got many awesome pictures of my students being...well, awesome.

During the Korean holidays, I was able to recharge a bit and hang with friends.

With my parents, I've noticed how much I've changed since I left Florida.

These are all good things with stories tied to them!

And yet...I'm left speechless in the worst of ways.

In roughly one month, my first year in Korea will be finished and I think...that's what's stopping me.

In one month, despite the fact that I'm not leaving, I am still saying goodbye to those who are. With each of them goes a part of Korea that has made my time here so memorable. I've already begun to notice it with others who've left that aren't Fulbrighters.

Things are shifting and changing as the circumstances are.

It makes sense, though.

It does.

And I supposed I could say I'm making peace with it.

Now that I'm being honest with myself, I can see the sadness that's holding my voice back.

Changes are coming and I need to find my new voice for the year.

#SaveOurToya