So let me take this time to describe what all went down.
Since moving back, my emotions have been at an all time high. However, those emotions were not all positive ones. I was excited to start my dream job and the contact high of reaching a dream that I had been waiting for since high school was indescribable. Sometimes, I still can't believe where my life is.
I mean, how many people can say they're doing their dream job? And how many of them can say they achieved it in their 20s?
I'll wait.
But with those positive feelings, come the negative ones. And like a friend said, 'shouldn't they be low ones?'
Fair question. But here's the thing. The way I feel my emotions, even my negative feelings can be described as 'high'. Just because I'm feeling sad or angry, doesn't mean my feelings aren't running over 100%. Honestly, I want to say that I feel my negative emotions more than my positive ones.
Or in other words, I take the good moments for granted.
So, those moments when things click is actually when I remember the good. I take a moment to remember the good in my life. And it's not easy. Lord have mercy, it is not easy.
I've been in Iowa for 3 months and for 3 months I've been teetering on the edge of my emotional fence.
Last week was when I found stability.
The question now remains, how?
How did I find even-footing in the emotional turmoil that my life had become?
The easy answer, "fuck, if I know".
The not-so easy answer, "where do I begin?"
You know that saying, 'you should do what makes you happy?' Well, that's not easy when you're in quarantine or lockdown or whatever you want to call this time we're in. Coronavirus or COVID-19 put a full stop on happiness.
Okay fine, you get to stay home and enjoy not working (or you get to telework), but you're also isolated. Especially if you live alone. And yes, we have online options to keep in touch with people miles away that can help alleviate the loneliness. But it's not the same. It's a temporary fix of a take for granted fact of life. It's rough for those who have the love language of physical touch. Like me...
I could really go for a nice warm hug right about now.
Our current pandemic is scary, terrifying, lonely...I don't know...I can't really put a word to it, but whatever it is, it's negative. At least for me.
Honestly, I thought, 'hey! I have more time for myself and getting things done. I can take all this time and focus on my goals!'
I come to find out, 'what goals do I have?' I couldn't focus on anything, because I couldn't remember what my goals were for. I reached my dream job, but now what? I wanted to study Korean, but why? I wanted to reach my goal weight, but how? I wanted to save money, but to what end?
And this is where my click comes into place.
I finally found the answers to these questions. Which seems pretty standard, but if I didn't believe in those answers, then I wasn't really any closer. When I believe in my answers, I believe in myself.
And that is what was missing.
I forgot how to believe in me.Somewhere between Korea and Iowa, USA, I lost my sense of purpose. Which is a lot easier than what one thinks.
It's been 4 days since my click and here's what I have to show for it:
1) I know where I want to go on my career journey.
2) I'm studying Korean for myself and for my future.
3) A consistent sleep schedule and healthy eating are my current methods until I can add exercise on a more consistent basis.
4) My money is for family events and future travel plans.
These answers may seem easy or 'duh!' to you, but they weren't for me. They're a lot, plain and simple. I'm building new habits and practicing better self-control. Each day is not easy, but each day I feel a little more secure and a little more ready for the next day.
#SaveOurToya
