Today, I found myself silenced again.
But instead of some creep trying to assault me, my host family, with all their good intentions, completely disregarded my wishes.
My voice.
This time, I didn't stay quiet.
I've been fighting off a cold/flu thing this last week. And all week, my host family has been urging me to go to the hospital, to which I have politely declined.
"No, I'm good."
"No, thank you."
"No."
I don't think I could have been any clearer in my wishes of not going to the hospital. And yet...I found myself at a hospital this afternoon (12/31), politely rejecting my host mom from making me an appointment.
Fam, they got me all the way to the hospital before I figured out that the appointment wasn't just for host mom, but also me.
It took longer than it should have for host mom to understand that I was not seeing a doctor, no matter how nice she was trying to make it sound.
"Oh, he's really good for a cough."
"Do it for the experience."
"Host dad is worried."
I don't give a damn about a doctor's credentials. I do not want the experience. And I won't be guilt tripped into making a decision I've said I did not want to do. You took my choice away from me. You disregarded my voice on the matter. And you fucking tricked me.
I don't know how often I've told them that I don't go to the hospital for a cold. It's not a matter of pride or having sub-par health insurance, but a matter of cultural differences. For me, a cold means sleeping it off. Not a trip to a hospital.
A cough means I just got over a cold and I'm working on expelling the mucus. Not a trip to a hospital.
I don't know if I've expressed it well enough, but the shit they just pulled?
It was a slap in the face.
I've been told by others that they mean well. Meaning-well is one thing, for which I have nothing against. But disregarding what I've been saying because you think you know better than me, is a completely different story.
See, here's what I seriously don't get. I've mentioned this before, but it bears mentioning again. Why is it, we get all this training about respecting the culture here, but schools and homestays don't get taught to respect our culture? Our thoughts and opinions? Because at the moment, the way I see it, because we're being polite and respectful, we've built this persona that is more or less disregarded by our peers around us. Because they think they know better.
And fine, this is their country. They do know better on how their country works. I can admit I don't get how things work in Korea, and I'm constantly learning new things.
But when it gets to a point where I'm walking out of a hospital pissed, because the people who are supposed to be my "family" have disregarded my wishes, then there's a problem here.
You know what, even when I was completely pissed and extremely tempted to just walk out of the hospital, I still tried my hardest to be respectful and make sure my host mom saved face. Hell, I'm pretty sure I kept that stilted, but polite smile on my face the whole time.
Right now, I honestly don't know how much longer I can stay in a homestay. There are good moments, one's I don't write about, but they exist. They make staying here, a lot of fun. But then things like this happen and it reminds me all over again why I want to have my own place.
#SaveOurToya
31 December, 2018
Poetry - I am tired
It's a struggle being constantly on.
I never stop smiling
I never stop laughing
I just never stop.
Sometimes, I don't even know why I'm happy.
Have you ever stopped
and thought about it?
Why am I happy?
Why did that make me smile?
It's a struggle being constantly on.
I never stop smiling
I never stop laughing
I just never stop.
I've been on for so long,
I don't even remember what it's like being off.
I imagine there's an inner peace,
cradling me in its arms,
whispering softly that everything was gonna be okay.
That I don't have to try so hard
that I can just drift along
and leave my worries outside my four walls.
It's a struggle being constantly on.
I never stop smiling
I never stop laughing
I just never stop.
I want to say that there was a time
when 'on' read as 'off'
and I didn't have to fight my reflection.
It's a struggle being constantly on.
I never stop smiling
I never stop laughing
I just never stop.
Do you know what it means
to constantly be at odds with your Self?
All I want to do is sleep
and know why I laugh.
But every time I try,
pulling my strength from pools
I didn't even know,
something- someONE
steps in my way
And I'm still running,
running,
running- Where am I running?
I don't know.
My legs are tired.
My laugh is tired.
I am tired.
It's a struggle being constantly on.
I never stop smiling
I never stop laughing
I just never stop.
I never stop smiling
I never stop laughing
I just never stop.
Sometimes, I don't even know why I'm happy.
Have you ever stopped
and thought about it?
Why am I happy?
Why did that make me smile?
It's a struggle being constantly on.
I never stop smiling
I never stop laughing
I just never stop.
I've been on for so long,
I don't even remember what it's like being off.
I imagine there's an inner peace,
cradling me in its arms,
whispering softly that everything was gonna be okay.
That I don't have to try so hard
that I can just drift along
and leave my worries outside my four walls.
It's a struggle being constantly on.
I never stop smiling
I never stop laughing
I just never stop.
I want to say that there was a time
when 'on' read as 'off'
and I didn't have to fight my reflection.
It's a struggle being constantly on.
I never stop smiling
I never stop laughing
I just never stop.
Do you know what it means
to constantly be at odds with your Self?
All I want to do is sleep
and know why I laugh.
But every time I try,
pulling my strength from pools
I didn't even know,
something- someONE
steps in my way
And I'm still running,
running,
running- Where am I running?
I don't know.
My legs are tired.
My laugh is tired.
I am tired.
It's a struggle being constantly on.
I never stop smiling
I never stop laughing
I just never stop.
20 December, 2018
What about my Health?
As many of you back home know, health and healthy living is important to me. And while I'm not able to uphold the same things I was able to back in Florida...I've been making it work for me.
Somehow.
At some point during my stay, I have lost 20lbs (9kg) without really having to do anything in particular. Which was a very nice surprise.
But I wanted to be more intentional.
Which is why I've started back on the C25K app. I've used the app before in training for running a 5K, and felt very successful using the app. I still struggled to run a full 5K, but maybe like 10 minutes of it.
Now, I've started back up. And getting back into running shape.
But uh...
The weather isn't exactly conducive to running at the moment.
Especially in the morning.
My runs have been consisting of 18 to 36 degree Fahrenheit weather. I see frost every morning I'm out there, heading over to the meet up spot. I swear, if it weren't for my running partner, I would've given up and waited until it was warm again.
I'm two weeks away from finishing the C25K app, and afterwards...well...who knows what I'll be up to!
My health is important to me, and it's about time I took care of it again!
#SaveOurToya
Somehow.
At some point during my stay, I have lost 20lbs (9kg) without really having to do anything in particular. Which was a very nice surprise.
But I wanted to be more intentional.
Which is why I've started back on the C25K app. I've used the app before in training for running a 5K, and felt very successful using the app. I still struggled to run a full 5K, but maybe like 10 minutes of it.
Now, I've started back up. And getting back into running shape.
But uh...
The weather isn't exactly conducive to running at the moment.
Especially in the morning.
My runs have been consisting of 18 to 36 degree Fahrenheit weather. I see frost every morning I'm out there, heading over to the meet up spot. I swear, if it weren't for my running partner, I would've given up and waited until it was warm again.
I'm two weeks away from finishing the C25K app, and afterwards...well...who knows what I'll be up to!
My health is important to me, and it's about time I took care of it again!
#SaveOurToya
Crying At Work
That's right. I was crying at work today.
They weren't sad tears, but relieved ones.
I think...
After the week from hell, I had another case of students using rude language in the classroom. Do you know what it's like to hear a student say, "what the fuck?" after you give them an assignment? A student who, four years ago was in kindergarten?
And it's not just one student. It's many students. Who say it at different times, on different days.
I'm well aware that they're kids, who don't have a true understanding of what they're saying...but...come on.
I've stopped class mid-session and called them out on it.
I've said sternly, many times, "No. We do not say that."
I've even kicked two kids out of my classroom, and spoke to them one-on-one.
For four months, of constantly telling them to stop, that it makes me sad, that its not nice, I'm finally brought to tears.
But not because they cursed me out. That, while hurtful, isn't something that could bring me to tears. They're a couple of decades to early for that.
No, I was brought to tears because of the apology I just received.
My fourth grade class, the hellion-class, the ones who have tried me every day, just all said their apologies to me in various states of devastation. It came to my attention that the class was made aware of how I felt when they spoke rudely to me, around me, against me.
And in return, they asked me to meet them in the science classroom, so they could apologize.
Y'all, I don't even care that they said it in Korean (mostly) and that one of the teachers translated for me. I don't even care that they made me ugly cry in front of them.
All I know and feel, is that my heart isn't as heavy anymore. After their individual apologies, I had a teacher translate my teary response.
Here's what I told them...more or less...
"I am so happy that you've all apologized. I don't think you understand how much it hurts my heart when you speak rudely. I am so far from home, and I want that we have fun together. I want to make good memories with all of you. My heart is much lighter now. Thank you."
Then I gave them all hugs, because hugs make everything better. It didn't matter that I was ugly crying...some of them were ugly crying...no, that's not what mattered.
What mattered was that we were moving passed this tough time together. That they understood my feelings and I understood their's.
That is why I don't think I can classify my tears as tears of relief. It wasn't relief that I was feeling...not exactly. I was feeling an overwhelming sense of connection. I felt that finally, we connected. That we understood each other.
And now for the rest of the day, I have such a delicate balance on my emotions. I can feel myself sometimes tipping over towards, 'gurl, you abou'ta cry', and have to jolt myself back to a steady spot before I ugly cry in the 교무실 and we don't need that.
No one needs that.
Well, I probably do. But I can cry at home when I have my hot chocolate with some marshmallows that apparently Daiso sells.
#SaveOurToya
18 December, 2018
17 December, 2018
Baker's Table - A Restaurant Review...sorta
One of the goals I made for myself this grant year was to find a German restaurant in South Korea. While I know how to make most German dishes that I crave from time to time, sometimes I just want someone else to cook. That's right, I admit it. I like being lazy.
Big shocker.
#SaveOurToya
Curious about the week I had? I recommend reading the following posts: Lost, Permanency, and Train Naps. They all happened within a week's time marks one of the roughest weeks I've had in 2018.
Big shocker.
A couple of weeks ago, I found a place called Baker's Table. It had a pretty intensive menu that put a smile on my face and a dinner date in my planner.
Finally the day came. I was so excited! I found some time before my meeting to scope out where the place would be, so I could head straight there after my meeting and make the most of it before catching my bus.
I don't think I can convey just how much I needed this to be a good moment for me.
No, not good.
It needed to be wonderful, exciting...brilliant.
I don't think I can convey just how much I needed this to be a good moment for me.
No, not good.
It needed to be wonderful, exciting...brilliant.
When I finally stepped foot into the place, I...was kinda disappointed.
In a single glance around the place, I noticed it was packed to the point of being uncomfortable. Which meant, there would be a long wait.
Really long.
I would miss my bus, long.
You know, big picture here...with the week that I had, I wasn't too surprised that this wasn't working out for me either. Disappointed, but not surprised.
Instead of focusing on the crippling disappointment and crying in a room full of strangers, I decided to grab some stuff from their bakery and then take off. It'll give me the chance to pop into a clothing store I've been eyeing (OKBT) before heading to the Nambu Bus Terminal.
Sometimes, I'm really thankful that my brain can make rational decisions while the rest of me is trying to figure out which way was up.
Instead of focusing on the crippling disappointment and crying in a room full of strangers, I decided to grab some stuff from their bakery and then take off. It'll give me the chance to pop into a clothing store I've been eyeing (OKBT) before heading to the Nambu Bus Terminal.
Sometimes, I'm really thankful that my brain can make rational decisions while the rest of me is trying to figure out which way was up.
I'll have to try again another day, but...at least their baked goods were rather delicious. Which I had to wait about ten minutes to get together.
Here are some pictures of the bakery:
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#SaveOurToya
Curious about the week I had? I recommend reading the following posts: Lost, Permanency, and Train Naps. They all happened within a week's time marks one of the roughest weeks I've had in 2018.
16 December, 2018
Train Naps
All I wanted to do was nap.
Hey everyone, I'm going to be very candid here, and let you know this may be a triggering piece. If the topic of sexual harassment/assault and/or non-consensual makes you uncomfortable, than this post is not for you.
That being said...I want to follow up with, "I'm okay". I went back and forth on whether I should post this, but then I remembered the reasons I started this blog. And one of those reasons was honesty.
I had a late night on Friday. I had a fabulous dinner at a bulgogi "tent" with a friend in Daegu, followed by a cute cafe. As in, I'm pretty sure I found my favorite cafe in Daegu. It gave me a wholesome feeling and that's what mattered most.
This week had not been kind to me. :(
So, from cafe to hostel, I wasn't asleep until just before midnight. When I went to sleep, I was excited for Saturday. I was going to catch a train to Seoul, do some shopping, German restaurant (!), and see some friends for a five hour meeting (more excited for the friends than the five hour meeting). My Saturday was planned with the precision of a daughter raised by a German mother.
The second I sat on my train at 4:30am, I was ready to nap the whole ride. Seeing as I barely had three hours of sleep.
Clearly, a nap sounds lovely, doesn't it?
And yet...someone had to ruin it.
Sitting in my window seat, with my large winter coat covering me, listening to my audiobook, eyes closed. I was relaxed and enjoying myself. It was so peaceful that I was about to turn off my audiobook and fall asleep.
I did not give it a second thought. My last few train rides were very chill and relaxed.
I registered that someone had sat down next to me, but that happens. You don't get to pick your seats, the system does. I shifted over a little since I figured the person was a little bigger than me, what with our arms and legs touching.
So, I shift.
But then I felt an arm resting on my side, and a leg pressing against my own...again.
So, I shift over...again.
Then I felt it all over...again.
Which is when I realized, this person is purposely being overly touchy. They're leaning on me, pressing against me, touching me...on purpose.
I hated it. I did not want it. I wanted to shove them away from me. Off of me. But I couldn't find it in me, and that made my frustration build.
In a single moment, this person turned me into an object. An object that they thought they had the right to touch. To invade.
I was uncomfortable...angry...disappointed...scared.
I was floundering about, trying to find a way to get out of the situation I found myself in. What do you do in a situation like this? Do I shout? Do I push him away? And if I do, what then? What will happen next? Will I be able to defend myself, or will he say its just the talk of a delusional foreigner trying to ruin his reputation? And with my limited Korean, will I properly be able to defend myself?
All these thoughts kept flashing through my head along with just how confident this person was going to be in a public space.
It was a few short minutes, but for me...it felt hours long. I felt trapped in my window seat, with this silencing invader hovering around me, taking away my voice. A voice I fought to have. Continue to fight to have. And yet...at that moment, I couldn't have a voice. It was robbed from me.
I became the object this person thought I was.
At some point, I found something inside of me. Perhaps it was a reminder of who I am or a hidden strength that has belied my actions for years that couldn't stay silent. I don't know what it was, but I'm so thankful for it. Because at that moment, I finally sat up and looked my attacker in the eye.
At this point, he'd already begun touching my thigh with his own hand, still pushed fully against my side.
And just like that, everything changed.
His leg was no longer pressed against mine. His fingers were no longer touching my thigh. His arm was no longer resting on me as if I was the arm rest. An object.
This whole experience was a reminder that while Korea has given me a safer sense of security than the states, there is still dangers. Dangers that can come at you when you're sleeping. Dangers that can take your voice that you continue to fight for.
This was not my first assault, but it was my first one in Korea. And while I hoped that it would never happen, it has. And I know it won't be the last time. My own autonomy is constantly in question, simply because I'm a woman. I'm not even factoring in all my other identities that take my autonomy further away from me.
Sometimes, life isn't easy and right now, I'm struggling with one of those moments. While I could put all my energy into wishing it never happened, it did.
It happened.
#SaveOurToya
If you or someone you know is ever put in a situation that is no bueno, and you need to talk to someone, please check out the information below. Everyone has different ways with coping and moving past a situation, so this is by no means me telling you what to do. I only want you to have all the resources possible.
Migrant Women's Hotline (365 days/years, English and 7 other languages): 02-1577-1366 or outside Seoul, local area code + 1577-1366.
Seoul Call Center: 120 (02-1220 cell phone/outside Seoul) then press '9' for foreign languages
And evidently 112 and 119 sometimes have English options depending on region and shift but they both automatically trace your phone when you do call.
Asia Emergency Association: 790-7561
Which is a bit more roundabout but might be easier if you need a guaranteed English speaker
Hey everyone, I'm going to be very candid here, and let you know this may be a triggering piece. If the topic of sexual harassment/assault and/or non-consensual makes you uncomfortable, than this post is not for you.
That being said...I want to follow up with, "I'm okay". I went back and forth on whether I should post this, but then I remembered the reasons I started this blog. And one of those reasons was honesty.
-----------------------
I had a late night on Friday. I had a fabulous dinner at a bulgogi "tent" with a friend in Daegu, followed by a cute cafe. As in, I'm pretty sure I found my favorite cafe in Daegu. It gave me a wholesome feeling and that's what mattered most.
This week had not been kind to me. :(
So, from cafe to hostel, I wasn't asleep until just before midnight. When I went to sleep, I was excited for Saturday. I was going to catch a train to Seoul, do some shopping, German restaurant (!), and see some friends for a five hour meeting (more excited for the friends than the five hour meeting). My Saturday was planned with the precision of a daughter raised by a German mother.
The second I sat on my train at 4:30am, I was ready to nap the whole ride. Seeing as I barely had three hours of sleep.
Clearly, a nap sounds lovely, doesn't it?
And yet...someone had to ruin it.
Sitting in my window seat, with my large winter coat covering me, listening to my audiobook, eyes closed. I was relaxed and enjoying myself. It was so peaceful that I was about to turn off my audiobook and fall asleep.
I did not give it a second thought. My last few train rides were very chill and relaxed.
I registered that someone had sat down next to me, but that happens. You don't get to pick your seats, the system does. I shifted over a little since I figured the person was a little bigger than me, what with our arms and legs touching.
So, I shift.
But then I felt an arm resting on my side, and a leg pressing against my own...again.
So, I shift over...again.
Then I felt it all over...again.
Which is when I realized, this person is purposely being overly touchy. They're leaning on me, pressing against me, touching me...on purpose.
I hated it. I did not want it. I wanted to shove them away from me. Off of me. But I couldn't find it in me, and that made my frustration build.
In a single moment, this person turned me into an object. An object that they thought they had the right to touch. To invade.
I was uncomfortable...angry...disappointed...scared.
I was floundering about, trying to find a way to get out of the situation I found myself in. What do you do in a situation like this? Do I shout? Do I push him away? And if I do, what then? What will happen next? Will I be able to defend myself, or will he say its just the talk of a delusional foreigner trying to ruin his reputation? And with my limited Korean, will I properly be able to defend myself?
All these thoughts kept flashing through my head along with just how confident this person was going to be in a public space.
It was a few short minutes, but for me...it felt hours long. I felt trapped in my window seat, with this silencing invader hovering around me, taking away my voice. A voice I fought to have. Continue to fight to have. And yet...at that moment, I couldn't have a voice. It was robbed from me.
I became the object this person thought I was.
At some point, I found something inside of me. Perhaps it was a reminder of who I am or a hidden strength that has belied my actions for years that couldn't stay silent. I don't know what it was, but I'm so thankful for it. Because at that moment, I finally sat up and looked my attacker in the eye.
At this point, he'd already begun touching my thigh with his own hand, still pushed fully against my side.
And just like that, everything changed.
His leg was no longer pressed against mine. His fingers were no longer touching my thigh. His arm was no longer resting on me as if I was the arm rest. An object.
This whole experience was a reminder that while Korea has given me a safer sense of security than the states, there is still dangers. Dangers that can come at you when you're sleeping. Dangers that can take your voice that you continue to fight for.
This was not my first assault, but it was my first one in Korea. And while I hoped that it would never happen, it has. And I know it won't be the last time. My own autonomy is constantly in question, simply because I'm a woman. I'm not even factoring in all my other identities that take my autonomy further away from me.
Sometimes, life isn't easy and right now, I'm struggling with one of those moments. While I could put all my energy into wishing it never happened, it did.
It happened.
#SaveOurToya
If you or someone you know is ever put in a situation that is no bueno, and you need to talk to someone, please check out the information below. Everyone has different ways with coping and moving past a situation, so this is by no means me telling you what to do. I only want you to have all the resources possible.
Migrant Women's Hotline (365 days/years, English and 7 other languages): 02-1577-1366 or outside Seoul, local area code + 1577-1366.
Seoul Call Center: 120 (02-1220 cell phone/outside Seoul) then press '9' for foreign languages
And evidently 112 and 119 sometimes have English options depending on region and shift but they both automatically trace your phone when you do call.
Asia Emergency Association: 790-7561
Which is a bit more roundabout but might be easier if you need a guaranteed English speaker
14 December, 2018
Permanency
Trigger warning: gun violence at school
Despite my trigger warning, I want it to be said, there was no actual gun violence at my school. No shooting. No injuries. The students and teachers are all okay.
Me?
...not so much.
Y'all, I don't know why this week has been so shitastic, but it's been crazy hard this week. From bad-mood inducing news from my host parents to being bad-touched on a train to a small panic attack during third period on a Thursday.
I would like nothing more than to tell you about a good day, a good moment, or a happy feeling, but frankly...this week has been battling me every step of the way.
As many of you know, I'm half-American. I was raised and educated in the USA, thus my perspective has a multitude of American influences on them.
And today....today, I learned a valuable lesson that I never gave much focus to before.
When walking to my second class today, I noticed that my kids were a little bit more rowdy than usual. It's been a wild week for them to, but in a happier way thankfully, so I left it at that. I'm glad they were having a good week, even if it meant I had to deal with crazy students. At least they were being a good kind of crazy. I was about to walk into the 5th grade classroom, when I noticed something black in the front of the classroom.
I'm so thankful for my observation skills.
So fucking thankful.
Because what I saw was what looked like a fake semiautomatic gun.
I want it also to be said, I was already aware that Korea has a very strict gun policy.
And it was these two things that kept me from being too triggered at the situation I was about to find myself.
When one of my sweetest kids held the gun up, pointed it directly at my chest, and told me I was under arrest, it took a lot for me to not let my fear show. I don't know if my students noticed that for a second, I felt the color drain from my face. I felt my heart pick up speed. I felt my legs about to give out. I felt my lungs about to spaz out.
And this was me reacting to what I knew was a fake gun.
These children do not know what it's like to be black in America. They don't know what it's like to hear about shootings.
They just don't know.
Which was what helped me keep it together.
I kept telling myself over and over, 'they don't know' as I tried to teach them about phone call etiquette and not looking at the spot where the "gun" was placed. It was probably one of the hardest classes I had to push through thus far.
I know that moments like these are great moments to educate someone. And while I would've loved for them to know and realize what their actions can produce in someone, what I just went through, I was also aware that my head-space wasn't in the right place for it.
How can I tell my precious students that the police scare me? That guns scare me? That people who look like me struggle simply because of our skin color? That school shootings are a fact of life and not a game, back home?
How can I talk about a topic that gives me a panic attack?
Look, I know I've been complaining about the cold (who knew I'd miss central heating), but if it's one thing I'm thankful for during this cold time its the snow. Looking outside the windows at the gently falling snow has been my one of my main solaces during this time of emotional upheaval.
It allows me to focus my thoughts and calm my overworked heart.
I mentioned in my last post about gun violence (The Aftereffects), that I'm working through my feelings. I figured out just what those feelings are; after today's reaction, it was pretty easy to figure out.
I'm afraid of guns.
I'm afraid of how permanent they are. I mean...with a single twitch, I can lose someone dear to me, my loved ones could lose me. (Good lord that sounds selfishly Toya-centered!) So many beautiful souls have been lost to us already, and as it stands, there's no stopping the shooting back home. As of today, there have been roughly 329 shootings in 2018.
We always think...'that wouldn't happen to me', or 'that doesn't happen around here', but guys. You never really know.
#SaveOurToya
Despite my trigger warning, I want it to be said, there was no actual gun violence at my school. No shooting. No injuries. The students and teachers are all okay.
Me?
...not so much.
Y'all, I don't know why this week has been so shitastic, but it's been crazy hard this week. From bad-mood inducing news from my host parents to being bad-touched on a train to a small panic attack during third period on a Thursday.
I would like nothing more than to tell you about a good day, a good moment, or a happy feeling, but frankly...this week has been battling me every step of the way.
As many of you know, I'm half-American. I was raised and educated in the USA, thus my perspective has a multitude of American influences on them.
And today....today, I learned a valuable lesson that I never gave much focus to before.
When walking to my second class today, I noticed that my kids were a little bit more rowdy than usual. It's been a wild week for them to, but in a happier way thankfully, so I left it at that. I'm glad they were having a good week, even if it meant I had to deal with crazy students. At least they were being a good kind of crazy. I was about to walk into the 5th grade classroom, when I noticed something black in the front of the classroom.
I'm so thankful for my observation skills.
So fucking thankful.
Because what I saw was what looked like a fake semiautomatic gun.
I want it also to be said, I was already aware that Korea has a very strict gun policy.
And it was these two things that kept me from being too triggered at the situation I was about to find myself.
When one of my sweetest kids held the gun up, pointed it directly at my chest, and told me I was under arrest, it took a lot for me to not let my fear show. I don't know if my students noticed that for a second, I felt the color drain from my face. I felt my heart pick up speed. I felt my legs about to give out. I felt my lungs about to spaz out.
And this was me reacting to what I knew was a fake gun.
These children do not know what it's like to be black in America. They don't know what it's like to hear about shootings.
They just don't know.
Which was what helped me keep it together.
I kept telling myself over and over, 'they don't know' as I tried to teach them about phone call etiquette and not looking at the spot where the "gun" was placed. It was probably one of the hardest classes I had to push through thus far.
I know that moments like these are great moments to educate someone. And while I would've loved for them to know and realize what their actions can produce in someone, what I just went through, I was also aware that my head-space wasn't in the right place for it.
How can I tell my precious students that the police scare me? That guns scare me? That people who look like me struggle simply because of our skin color? That school shootings are a fact of life and not a game, back home?
How can I talk about a topic that gives me a panic attack?
Look, I know I've been complaining about the cold (who knew I'd miss central heating), but if it's one thing I'm thankful for during this cold time its the snow. Looking outside the windows at the gently falling snow has been my one of my main solaces during this time of emotional upheaval.
It allows me to focus my thoughts and calm my overworked heart.
I mentioned in my last post about gun violence (The Aftereffects), that I'm working through my feelings. I figured out just what those feelings are; after today's reaction, it was pretty easy to figure out.
I'm afraid of guns.
I'm afraid of how permanent they are. I mean...with a single twitch, I can lose someone dear to me, my loved ones could lose me. (Good lord that sounds selfishly Toya-centered!) So many beautiful souls have been lost to us already, and as it stands, there's no stopping the shooting back home. As of today, there have been roughly 329 shootings in 2018.
We always think...'that wouldn't happen to me', or 'that doesn't happen around here', but guys. You never really know.
#SaveOurToya
11 December, 2018
Yes, I know about snow
Snow started falling in my small village town and while I'm shook, since it's been a long time since I last saw snow in a place that I was living, everyone is treating it as my first time seeing snow.
Ever.
In my life.
Makes me wonder just how much of a fool I'm acting like right now...?
But that being said...y'all it's snowing and I am shook.
I don't even care that I already said earlier in this post. I need you to understand that it's been fourteen years.
I'm not even counting the time I saw snow on my trip to Canada. That was different. I was on vacation. I actually live here, and little fluffs of freezing cold is falling.
And apparently we don't cancel work when this happens?
Now, I'm not saying this is a freak weather storm...or anything. But...how do people function in this cold weather? Asking for a uhh...friend.
And that friend is me. I'm the friend. Love yourself and be the best you, right?
Well the best me needs surviving the cold tips. What y'all got?
#SaveOurToya
PS. I would have a picture here, but the snow isn't noticeable enough on my pictures. But I hope to get some good ones for the blog later!
Ever.
In my life.
Makes me wonder just how much of a fool I'm acting like right now...?
But that being said...y'all it's snowing and I am shook.
I don't even care that I already said earlier in this post. I need you to understand that it's been fourteen years.
I'm not even counting the time I saw snow on my trip to Canada. That was different. I was on vacation. I actually live here, and little fluffs of freezing cold is falling.
And apparently we don't cancel work when this happens?
Now, I'm not saying this is a freak weather storm...or anything. But...how do people function in this cold weather? Asking for a uhh...friend.
And that friend is me. I'm the friend. Love yourself and be the best you, right?
Well the best me needs surviving the cold tips. What y'all got?
#SaveOurToya
PS. I would have a picture here, but the snow isn't noticeable enough on my pictures. But I hope to get some good ones for the blog later!
08 December, 2018
Lost
Just when I thought things were going right. That I was happy...
Host mom just dropped some news on me that has left me upset.
Ho ho ho, Merry Christmas to me.
Now, it's been some time since I last posted, and that's due to not feeling the season. This time of year is pretty special to many people, no matter what they celebrate and hold dear to them. For me, this is a time of family, good cheer, Hallmark movies, egg nog, and hot cocoa.
And I've been trying very hard to get into the spirit of the holidays, but it hadn't been working until this morning when I was sitting in a Starbucks. I could smell the coffee brewing, listening to Sam Smith's version of Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas, surrounded by Christmas decoration, and having a laugh with good friends. That was when I felt it. That spark of warmth.
I felt genuinely happy this morning.
Little did I know that eight hours later, I would hear some news that...well, I'm pretty sure that feeling I had was extinguished.
I've lost it...the feeling of home.
#SaveOurToya
Host mom just dropped some news on me that has left me upset.
Ho ho ho, Merry Christmas to me.
Now, it's been some time since I last posted, and that's due to not feeling the season. This time of year is pretty special to many people, no matter what they celebrate and hold dear to them. For me, this is a time of family, good cheer, Hallmark movies, egg nog, and hot cocoa.
And I've been trying very hard to get into the spirit of the holidays, but it hadn't been working until this morning when I was sitting in a Starbucks. I could smell the coffee brewing, listening to Sam Smith's version of Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas, surrounded by Christmas decoration, and having a laugh with good friends. That was when I felt it. That spark of warmth.
I felt genuinely happy this morning.
Little did I know that eight hours later, I would hear some news that...well, I'm pretty sure that feeling I had was extinguished.
I've lost it...the feeling of home.
#SaveOurToya
03 December, 2018
PSA: Baker's Table
Well fam...I've done it.
I have found a German restaurant in Seoul.
And naturally, I have already picked the day and time that I am going to it.
December 15th at 4:30pm.
Mostly because that'll give me enough time to comfortably eat and make my way to the bus terminal before heading back home to Geochang.
Which reminds me...I need to buy my bus ticket...
I just want to say, look out for my restaurant review!
#SaveOurToya
Want to keep up with the places I visit and where I eat while staying in Korea? Go ahead and his the FOLLOW button to stay up to date on my latest shenanigans (that I may or may not saving from).
I have found a German restaurant in Seoul.
And naturally, I have already picked the day and time that I am going to it.
December 15th at 4:30pm.
Mostly because that'll give me enough time to comfortably eat and make my way to the bus terminal before heading back home to Geochang.
Which reminds me...I need to buy my bus ticket...
I just want to say, look out for my restaurant review!
#SaveOurToya
Want to keep up with the places I visit and where I eat while staying in Korea? Go ahead and his the FOLLOW button to stay up to date on my latest shenanigans (that I may or may not saving from).
23 November, 2018
WILD
Y'all, last night was WILD.
Remember how I was struggling with some problems about Christmas caroling for the festival my school held? Well...the festival has come and gone and things got wild afterwards.
After all my tough times, I want to tell y'all about something fun. And what happened last night, embodies fun in its entirety. But bear with me, I'm hungover as I'm typing this.
I also only had 2 hours of sleep.
I'm apologizing now for any typos, grammatical errors, and English tomfoolery I'm about to unleash in this post.
First, I'm happy to announce my kids nailed it last night. Wish me luck as I start teaching them some Lion King songs in honor of Lion King being in South Korea. The school is taking a field trip in December to see the show. Gotta get these kids ready.
Anyways, the show ends, parents are going home, teachers are passing out school fliers and helping parents gather their children together. I'm trying to figure out what time my car pool was heading home. It's 9-ish in the evening and I thought I heard we were staying until 10pm.
So, as I'm trying to work out what time we're leaving, which ended up more of a 'we gotta nunchi this', one of the teachers asks, "Who wants to go drinking?"
The speed that many teachers were willing to put cleaning up to tomorrow and have some downtime was eye opening. I hadn't realized just how exhausted they all were. My coworkers hide their struggles very well. And when that invite came my way, I was quick to say 'yes'.
Now, I also thought it would just be for an hour.
Oh no. I didn't start making my way home until 4am. But that's jumping ahead in the story.
Where was I...oh right! So we go to a bar named Cheers. No one there knew my name. But I had 500cc of beer in my hand within seconds of the head teacher sitting down. For those of you who don't know what 500cc is, its equivalent to 500ml. It was a good amount of beer. I had roughly 4 of those as the night passed.
There was also a bottle of soju thrown in there, because why not?
Alright, so I got the alcohol covered, here's what floored me. My co-workers were so relaxed and comfortable, that the intimidation of the language barrier lowered. I was able to speak to many of my coworkers last night and gotten to know them better. It was such a wholesome feeling that I got from them.
And then...one of the teachers told me, outside of work hours, I could call her 언니. Basically, our relationship leveled the fuck up. We also considered ourselves platonic soulmates because we understood each other so well. And I mean, really well. Practically thinking the same thoughts when we're conversing.
Meanwhile, on the other side of the table, the bromance between the guy teachers was very real, which sparked a conversation about LGBTQIA+. And those of us in the conversation agreed, love is love is love.
The night was literally a beautiful night.
But...the second one of us actually fell asleep at the table mid-conversation, that should've been my clue that things were about to get wild.
Everything that follows feels like it happened so quickly, but I know it happened over a 3 hour time-frame.
Five of us looked for a 노래방 (karaoke), and realized we're in a small rural town and that things don't stay open that late.
I called a taxi for one of the teachers, she was drunk after one of her three 500cc mugs.
Philosophical conversations in English and Korean. Both being quite slurred, but having the best of intentions as we try to figure out how to best work with an obstinate student.
Lost and found cell phones. Never mine...I was still aware enough to know where my phone was...
Oh my god! Let's talk about the bathroom situation. There was one bathroom with a regular stall and a urinal that was more or less covered up by one of those bathroom divider things. It was a gender neutral bathroom. And you never knew if someone was in there using it or not...Of the three times I went to the bathroom, I know for a fact, one time...there was a guy using the urinal. I don't know if he ever realized that I was in there as the same time as him...
By 1am, one of the most docile teachers announces to the group, 'We're not going home. We go to next place. More beer' in her best English. Normally she's so shy and hesitant to speak English, but brah...she took charge and it was in English.
I definitely need to reach out more to the teachers at this school. Extend my hand further, because the wholesome feeling from last night was something I want them all to enjoy more often.
Wait...does this mean we need to go drinking more?
Well we're in luck! Despite coming up with a group name (we're called AM...not sure why...but it made sense last night, I guess?), we also have plans to meet up on Monday in the evening.
Anyways, we're all getting ready to go, being the last group at the bar by the way. Cheering and laughing and speaking a mix of Korean and English. I think some of the teachers were slightly startled at the amount of Korean I could speak. Which isn't much, but enough that I can get my thought across at times...
ANYWAYS! 6 from the original 11, went right ahead to the next drinking spot. And yes...that included me. And not to worry, we took a taxi! Oh! Before I forget...our next drinking spot was going to be a 노래방. (Yes...we tried finding 노래방 again. No regrets.) But realized, again, that there wasn't one open, we went to a...I actually don't know the name of the place.
It's a place you can eat hot Korean food and keep drinking for a cheap price. Which is what happened for the next three hours.
By 4am, I was finally falling asleep and the night was called. Time to go home.
Now, I was going to call a taxi, but host mom was all, 'No! We'll walk! Together! Let's go!' It's below the freezing point, we're both drunk, and she wants to walk home?
Well, we got home around 4:30.
Now, had it been a normal Thursday turned Friday situation, I would've just gone to bed.
I didn't.
I packed my bag since after work today, my traveling for the weekend began. One night in Daegu and the following in Seoul. I got to sleep around 5am. Did I say something different earlier in the post? Bah, that's wrong. I went to bed around 5am, just to wake up at 7:45am for work.
And what I thought would be a regular morning was not the case.
Apparently, host mom had the bus driver's keys and phone. I had wondered last night where she'd gotten the bag that she suddenly acquired, but...I was busy trying to stay warm at the time.
And we needed to go get the car from the bar.
And breakfast.
One second, I was about to make myself a bagel and the next I was climbing into host dad's truck to be driven to the bar to get the car, but host mom and I went to GS25 (a convenience store) and looked for breakfast before heading into work.
And when we get to work, thirty minutes later than usual, but still on time...I realized...one of the cars back at the bar has been one of the teacher's cars. She hadn't gotten it yet.
Was she...was she not coming in?
Sis rolled in at the start of first period...
And now I have a raging headache and have to go teach one of my rowdiest classes in about twenty minutes.
#SaveOurToya
Remember how I was struggling with some problems about Christmas caroling for the festival my school held? Well...the festival has come and gone and things got wild afterwards.
After all my tough times, I want to tell y'all about something fun. And what happened last night, embodies fun in its entirety. But bear with me, I'm hungover as I'm typing this.
I also only had 2 hours of sleep.
I'm apologizing now for any typos, grammatical errors, and English tomfoolery I'm about to unleash in this post.
First, I'm happy to announce my kids nailed it last night. Wish me luck as I start teaching them some Lion King songs in honor of Lion King being in South Korea. The school is taking a field trip in December to see the show. Gotta get these kids ready.
Anyways, the show ends, parents are going home, teachers are passing out school fliers and helping parents gather their children together. I'm trying to figure out what time my car pool was heading home. It's 9-ish in the evening and I thought I heard we were staying until 10pm.
So, as I'm trying to work out what time we're leaving, which ended up more of a 'we gotta nunchi this', one of the teachers asks, "Who wants to go drinking?"
The speed that many teachers were willing to put cleaning up to tomorrow and have some downtime was eye opening. I hadn't realized just how exhausted they all were. My coworkers hide their struggles very well. And when that invite came my way, I was quick to say 'yes'.
Now, I also thought it would just be for an hour.
Oh no. I didn't start making my way home until 4am. But that's jumping ahead in the story.
Where was I...oh right! So we go to a bar named Cheers. No one there knew my name. But I had 500cc of beer in my hand within seconds of the head teacher sitting down. For those of you who don't know what 500cc is, its equivalent to 500ml. It was a good amount of beer. I had roughly 4 of those as the night passed.
There was also a bottle of soju thrown in there, because why not?
Alright, so I got the alcohol covered, here's what floored me. My co-workers were so relaxed and comfortable, that the intimidation of the language barrier lowered. I was able to speak to many of my coworkers last night and gotten to know them better. It was such a wholesome feeling that I got from them.
And then...one of the teachers told me, outside of work hours, I could call her 언니. Basically, our relationship leveled the fuck up. We also considered ourselves platonic soulmates because we understood each other so well. And I mean, really well. Practically thinking the same thoughts when we're conversing.
Meanwhile, on the other side of the table, the bromance between the guy teachers was very real, which sparked a conversation about LGBTQIA+. And those of us in the conversation agreed, love is love is love.
The night was literally a beautiful night.
But...the second one of us actually fell asleep at the table mid-conversation, that should've been my clue that things were about to get wild.
Everything that follows feels like it happened so quickly, but I know it happened over a 3 hour time-frame.
Five of us looked for a 노래방 (karaoke), and realized we're in a small rural town and that things don't stay open that late.
I called a taxi for one of the teachers, she was drunk after one of her three 500cc mugs.
Philosophical conversations in English and Korean. Both being quite slurred, but having the best of intentions as we try to figure out how to best work with an obstinate student.
Lost and found cell phones. Never mine...I was still aware enough to know where my phone was...
Oh my god! Let's talk about the bathroom situation. There was one bathroom with a regular stall and a urinal that was more or less covered up by one of those bathroom divider things. It was a gender neutral bathroom. And you never knew if someone was in there using it or not...Of the three times I went to the bathroom, I know for a fact, one time...there was a guy using the urinal. I don't know if he ever realized that I was in there as the same time as him...
By 1am, one of the most docile teachers announces to the group, 'We're not going home. We go to next place. More beer' in her best English. Normally she's so shy and hesitant to speak English, but brah...she took charge and it was in English.
I definitely need to reach out more to the teachers at this school. Extend my hand further, because the wholesome feeling from last night was something I want them all to enjoy more often.
Wait...does this mean we need to go drinking more?
Well we're in luck! Despite coming up with a group name (we're called AM...not sure why...but it made sense last night, I guess?), we also have plans to meet up on Monday in the evening.
Anyways, we're all getting ready to go, being the last group at the bar by the way. Cheering and laughing and speaking a mix of Korean and English. I think some of the teachers were slightly startled at the amount of Korean I could speak. Which isn't much, but enough that I can get my thought across at times...
ANYWAYS! 6 from the original 11, went right ahead to the next drinking spot. And yes...that included me. And not to worry, we took a taxi! Oh! Before I forget...our next drinking spot was going to be a 노래방. (Yes...we tried finding 노래방 again. No regrets.) But realized, again, that there wasn't one open, we went to a...I actually don't know the name of the place.
It's a place you can eat hot Korean food and keep drinking for a cheap price. Which is what happened for the next three hours.
By 4am, I was finally falling asleep and the night was called. Time to go home.
Now, I was going to call a taxi, but host mom was all, 'No! We'll walk! Together! Let's go!' It's below the freezing point, we're both drunk, and she wants to walk home?
Well, we got home around 4:30.
Now, had it been a normal Thursday turned Friday situation, I would've just gone to bed.
I didn't.
I packed my bag since after work today, my traveling for the weekend began. One night in Daegu and the following in Seoul. I got to sleep around 5am. Did I say something different earlier in the post? Bah, that's wrong. I went to bed around 5am, just to wake up at 7:45am for work.
And what I thought would be a regular morning was not the case.
Apparently, host mom had the bus driver's keys and phone. I had wondered last night where she'd gotten the bag that she suddenly acquired, but...I was busy trying to stay warm at the time.
And we needed to go get the car from the bar.
And breakfast.
One second, I was about to make myself a bagel and the next I was climbing into host dad's truck to be driven to the bar to get the car, but host mom and I went to GS25 (a convenience store) and looked for breakfast before heading into work.
And when we get to work, thirty minutes later than usual, but still on time...I realized...one of the cars back at the bar has been one of the teacher's cars. She hadn't gotten it yet.
Was she...was she not coming in?
Sis rolled in at the start of first period...
And now I have a raging headache and have to go teach one of my rowdiest classes in about twenty minutes.
#SaveOurToya
21 November, 2018
Can You Not?
I feel like it's been years since I've written a happy post. Which is preposterous...this blog came alive in May. It's barely been six months. And yet...this feeling persists.
So, what brings me back for my latest update?
Christmas carols.
I bet you didn't see that coming.
And yes, I know, Thanksgiving hasn't come and gone yet, but here we are anyways.
My school is hosting a festival of sorts on 11/22 (yes, Thanksgiving day), and I was asked last month to get the kids ready to sing an English song.
My reaction: Um...okay? What song?
Now, take a moment to be in my shoes. It's been some odd years since I was in Elementary School. But, I'm pretty sure we never had a festival. Maybe a Christmas pageant, but even then...it was all done in one language that a majority (if not all) of the students spoke. I was so lost on what the school was looking for.
Teacher mode flipped on and I decided that I wanted to find an easy song that also ties in the season (making decisions like a boss). I landed on, 'We Wish You a Merry Christmas'. Side note, did you know it was considered a Thanksgiving song back in the day? I didn't. And! There was a readily available ESL version. I was gonna have them all do an A Cappella version, like Christmas carolers. Being able to slide in a cultural piece, beautiful, right?
Well, I was told they needed to do more.
Brah...you want them to do two English songs?
And you want them to do Let It Go?
Somehow, I was able to scale the song back to them only having to sing a 30-second part of the song. The "easiest" part I could find.
They got it down with some struggles, but its good. Timing may be off a smidge, but they know the words.
Phew. Okay, easy breathing.
They're still struggling with We Wish You a Merry Christmas, but they're getting the hang of it. Slowly.
Mostly okay breathing, then.
This morning, when we did a final rehearsal, I was so proud of them. I sat in front of them and mouthed the words, but they did it! The whole way through without me having to fix pronunciation. Word order is still a bit off, but the pronunciation was good!
I even did a little happy squeal afterwards. That's how happy I was!
However...
The VP didn't approve...not completely. She wants to add music or a piano in the background to the song. And her reasoning, 'the timing is off'.
Honey, it's not the timing. It's their confidence in the words. It's an English song with words like 'figgy pudding' and 'good tidings' in it. And now, when they're finally getting the hang of the song, you want to introduce a piano to freak them out even more?
No.
Also, I told her I wanted to do the song in a traditional caroling way. Aka, no music, just voices.
But instead of respecting the culture that I'm introducing to your students, school, community, you'd rather add a piano because it'll make you feel better?
No.
I've recognized that for many people at the school, saying 'no' is hard to do. And sometimes, it is for me too, not wanting to disrespect them, their teaching experience, and their culture. All I ask, is the same be afforded to me.
And when it isn't...in what language do you want me to say 'no'. I got five I can give you, right here, right now.
Here's the other thing...why am I constantly told, "respect the Korean culture", when the same is not told to the workplace that has requested a foreign teacher to respect the foreigner's culture? Do they not get a training session on what to do when you have a foreigner in your office?
Perhaps this is my own privilege/entitlement coming out right now...I definitely can see how foreigners back home can feel intimidated, startled, uncomfortable, and coerced with a few words. This is definitely a learning moment for myself for when I get back home.
Moral of the story, I'm irritated. This isn't the first time I've been put in an uncomfortable situation due to cultural differences, but it is the first time I've had enough and won't let it slide.
#SaveOurToya
Curious whether I'm about to burn a bridge with the VP or not, hit the 'FOLLOW' button to find out!
So, what brings me back for my latest update?
Christmas carols.
I bet you didn't see that coming.
And yes, I know, Thanksgiving hasn't come and gone yet, but here we are anyways.
My school is hosting a festival of sorts on 11/22 (yes, Thanksgiving day), and I was asked last month to get the kids ready to sing an English song.
My reaction: Um...okay? What song?
Now, take a moment to be in my shoes. It's been some odd years since I was in Elementary School. But, I'm pretty sure we never had a festival. Maybe a Christmas pageant, but even then...it was all done in one language that a majority (if not all) of the students spoke. I was so lost on what the school was looking for.
Teacher mode flipped on and I decided that I wanted to find an easy song that also ties in the season (making decisions like a boss). I landed on, 'We Wish You a Merry Christmas'. Side note, did you know it was considered a Thanksgiving song back in the day? I didn't. And! There was a readily available ESL version. I was gonna have them all do an A Cappella version, like Christmas carolers. Being able to slide in a cultural piece, beautiful, right?
Well, I was told they needed to do more.
Brah...you want them to do two English songs?
And you want them to do Let It Go?
Somehow, I was able to scale the song back to them only having to sing a 30-second part of the song. The "easiest" part I could find.
They got it down with some struggles, but its good. Timing may be off a smidge, but they know the words.
Phew. Okay, easy breathing.
They're still struggling with We Wish You a Merry Christmas, but they're getting the hang of it. Slowly.
Mostly okay breathing, then.
This morning, when we did a final rehearsal, I was so proud of them. I sat in front of them and mouthed the words, but they did it! The whole way through without me having to fix pronunciation. Word order is still a bit off, but the pronunciation was good!
I even did a little happy squeal afterwards. That's how happy I was!
However...
The VP didn't approve...not completely. She wants to add music or a piano in the background to the song. And her reasoning, 'the timing is off'.
Honey, it's not the timing. It's their confidence in the words. It's an English song with words like 'figgy pudding' and 'good tidings' in it. And now, when they're finally getting the hang of the song, you want to introduce a piano to freak them out even more?
No.
Also, I told her I wanted to do the song in a traditional caroling way. Aka, no music, just voices.
But instead of respecting the culture that I'm introducing to your students, school, community, you'd rather add a piano because it'll make you feel better?
No.
I've recognized that for many people at the school, saying 'no' is hard to do. And sometimes, it is for me too, not wanting to disrespect them, their teaching experience, and their culture. All I ask, is the same be afforded to me.
And when it isn't...in what language do you want me to say 'no'. I got five I can give you, right here, right now.
Here's the other thing...why am I constantly told, "respect the Korean culture", when the same is not told to the workplace that has requested a foreign teacher to respect the foreigner's culture? Do they not get a training session on what to do when you have a foreigner in your office?
Perhaps this is my own privilege/entitlement coming out right now...I definitely can see how foreigners back home can feel intimidated, startled, uncomfortable, and coerced with a few words. This is definitely a learning moment for myself for when I get back home.
Moral of the story, I'm irritated. This isn't the first time I've been put in an uncomfortable situation due to cultural differences, but it is the first time I've had enough and won't let it slide.
#SaveOurToya
Curious whether I'm about to burn a bridge with the VP or not, hit the 'FOLLOW' button to find out!
16 November, 2018
Those Little...
You ever get so frustrated to the point of wanting to cry, but you can't because you're just so angry?
As of right now, I'm not sure what's going on anymore. I'm pretty sure common sense has been forcibly thrown out the window and children are having run of the town...uh, school.
How else can all the crap that has happened...well, happen?
These kids need a whole lot of stability and consequences.
These kids need a super nanny.
But what these kids have is baby-glove-consequences.
And me.
And I don't know about those baby-glove-consequences, but I'm ready to do this. These kids can either act right, or go down to the Staff room and tell the adults why I sent them. Hell, I might even go over to Daiso, find myself some nice stationary, so I can write down the truth (because I can't trust them to tell them why they were sent), and then tell the student to go bring it to the VP.
"Today, I told the teacher she'll die."
"Today, I told a student if they wanted to die."
"I'd rather scream across the classroom than listen to the teacher."
"I decided to assault another student."
This list could go on.
No, really...it can.
I don't know about other English teachers abroad, but is this common behavior in your classes? I can only speak of my own teaching experiences and what I remember from when I was in school. I can never remember things getting so OUT OF HAND...
And back in the states, we had a whole list of consequences. There was no tolerance for violence in school.
Detention.
In-school suspension.
Out-of-school suspension.
Expulsion.
You can ask me if these things exist at this school, and I can honestly tell you that only one does...and its explusion.
Listen. I understand when things go bad, you want to get rid of the problem. And sometimes, that's what you have to do. But before you do that, you have to work with the problem. And I mean actually work with the problem.
Not just hope for the best.
For good behavior, reward it.
For bad behavior, acknowledge it and work through it. Together.
Clearly, a kid has anger issues. And clearly, many of the students don't know how to express themselves without getting physical, period.
So...less baby gloves and more actually helping these kids.
At this point, you might be wondering, "Damn Toya, that's a good point. But what are you doing to make a difference in these kids lives?"
Fair question, Fam.
And I'm not saying that I'll hold a culture class titled, 'mad, black woman' and teach them the ins and outs of where that stereotype came from, but these kids will learn something new about me.
I've already instilled my 'heads down' policy. I only use it when it gets too loud and no one is listening. Today, all I wanted them to do was write their vocabulary words. Instead, I had shouting across the classroom and students not staying in their seats. Three minutes in, I had had enough. Yesterday, a student assaulted another student with some scissors. This child could've been very badly hurt. Thankfully, there's only a few scratches. I have no idea what started that altercation or who said what, but frankly...it shouldn't have gotten that far to begin with.
That's why, three minutes in, heads down was activated. But, it was a little different than normal...
I put a touch of...'if ya'll don't put cho'heads down r'ght now, I'mma give you a reason ta be screamin' across this room' into my tone. It was the quickest I've ever seen them shut up and quiet down.
Oh ho ho, Toya-teacher don't play.
And what a wonderful lesson to learn!
That being said...
I'm about to go teach a class with all of my students in it, so that's roughly twenty students, and it's to practice singing an English song for the festival next week. And we both know, things are about to get wild.
#SaveOurToya
If you wanna keep up with the shenangians that are...well, my students at this point...go ahead and hit the 'follow' button on the right! And if something spoke to you at all during this post, please don't hesitate to leave a comment!
As of right now, I'm not sure what's going on anymore. I'm pretty sure common sense has been forcibly thrown out the window and children are having run of the town...uh, school.
How else can all the crap that has happened...well, happen?
These kids need a whole lot of stability and consequences.
These kids need a super nanny.
But what these kids have is baby-glove-consequences.
And me.
And I don't know about those baby-glove-consequences, but I'm ready to do this. These kids can either act right, or go down to the Staff room and tell the adults why I sent them. Hell, I might even go over to Daiso, find myself some nice stationary, so I can write down the truth (because I can't trust them to tell them why they were sent), and then tell the student to go bring it to the VP.
"Today, I told the teacher she'll die."
"Today, I told a student if they wanted to die."
"I'd rather scream across the classroom than listen to the teacher."
"I decided to assault another student."
This list could go on.
No, really...it can.
I don't know about other English teachers abroad, but is this common behavior in your classes? I can only speak of my own teaching experiences and what I remember from when I was in school. I can never remember things getting so OUT OF HAND...
And back in the states, we had a whole list of consequences. There was no tolerance for violence in school.
Detention.
In-school suspension.
Out-of-school suspension.
Expulsion.
You can ask me if these things exist at this school, and I can honestly tell you that only one does...and its explusion.
Listen. I understand when things go bad, you want to get rid of the problem. And sometimes, that's what you have to do. But before you do that, you have to work with the problem. And I mean actually work with the problem.
Not just hope for the best.
For good behavior, reward it.
For bad behavior, acknowledge it and work through it. Together.
Clearly, a kid has anger issues. And clearly, many of the students don't know how to express themselves without getting physical, period.
So...less baby gloves and more actually helping these kids.
At this point, you might be wondering, "Damn Toya, that's a good point. But what are you doing to make a difference in these kids lives?"
Fair question, Fam.
And I'm not saying that I'll hold a culture class titled, 'mad, black woman' and teach them the ins and outs of where that stereotype came from, but these kids will learn something new about me.
I've already instilled my 'heads down' policy. I only use it when it gets too loud and no one is listening. Today, all I wanted them to do was write their vocabulary words. Instead, I had shouting across the classroom and students not staying in their seats. Three minutes in, I had had enough. Yesterday, a student assaulted another student with some scissors. This child could've been very badly hurt. Thankfully, there's only a few scratches. I have no idea what started that altercation or who said what, but frankly...it shouldn't have gotten that far to begin with.
That's why, three minutes in, heads down was activated. But, it was a little different than normal...
I put a touch of...'if ya'll don't put cho'heads down r'ght now, I'mma give you a reason ta be screamin' across this room' into my tone. It was the quickest I've ever seen them shut up and quiet down.
Oh ho ho, Toya-teacher don't play.
And what a wonderful lesson to learn!
That being said...
I'm about to go teach a class with all of my students in it, so that's roughly twenty students, and it's to practice singing an English song for the festival next week. And we both know, things are about to get wild.
#SaveOurToya
If you wanna keep up with the shenangians that are...well, my students at this point...go ahead and hit the 'follow' button on the right! And if something spoke to you at all during this post, please don't hesitate to leave a comment!
09 November, 2018
The Aftereffects
Trigger Warning: mass shootings, feelings being validated, emotional rambling on triggering topic
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Nose clogging.
Throat throbbing.
Eyes watering.
Head aching.
And yet, its the latest news about a mass shooting in a California bar that is making it hard for me to breath. Guys, I don't know where this naive thought came from, but for whatever reason, I thought that once I came to Korea, I'd stop hearing about shootings.
No more heart stopping news.
No more breath quickening to painful levels.
No more.
Joke's on me, I guess.
I'm recovering from a fever right now, not having the most comfortable of week, and it pales in comparison to how I feel.
I am well aware that the topic of mass shootings is a sensitive topic for me. The fact that a fellow Fulbrighter had asked how to broach the topic of mass shootings in America for their Korean students had me tensing, sweating, and breath quickening. It was hint enough that this was a topic that triggered me.
And here's what I recognize.
This is something I need to work through, but I'm not ready to talk nor do I know where to begin. Do I start with the school drills I learned in school for whenever there was a shooter on campus? Or do I start with the attempted mass shooting at my university during my undergrad days? Or the false alarm during grad school? What about Pulse? Parkland?
I keep having to stop typing. My fingers keep stalling.
During the recovery in Orlando after Pulse, I heard from various sources that it's okay to feel what you feel. That your feelings are valid.
That my feelings are valid.
But...maybe its because I'm not surrounded by the community that knew what it was like, or because I've been lulled into a bubble of safety since moving here, but its been getting harder to stay steady whenever I hear about a shooting.
Of all the things to have to prepare myself for with my move, finding support for moments like these was not something I thought I had to do.
I'm working through these emotions, I am.
But it's not easy....hell, writing this post was not easy. I mentioned that I had to stop typing many times. My fingers were literally tensing and causing me to hit the wrong keys. It doesn't help that my thoughts are all over the place and stringing one thought together was so hard.
Partly because of the fever, but mostly because of this topic.
This post was/is more for me than it was for you, I admit. An attempt at putting it all down. Granted, I'm doing better now than I did when I first started this post.
If only it were that easy to move past this.
#SaveOurToya
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Nose clogging.
Throat throbbing.
Eyes watering.
Head aching.
And yet, its the latest news about a mass shooting in a California bar that is making it hard for me to breath. Guys, I don't know where this naive thought came from, but for whatever reason, I thought that once I came to Korea, I'd stop hearing about shootings.
No more heart stopping news.
No more breath quickening to painful levels.
No more.
Joke's on me, I guess.
I'm recovering from a fever right now, not having the most comfortable of week, and it pales in comparison to how I feel.
I am well aware that the topic of mass shootings is a sensitive topic for me. The fact that a fellow Fulbrighter had asked how to broach the topic of mass shootings in America for their Korean students had me tensing, sweating, and breath quickening. It was hint enough that this was a topic that triggered me.
And here's what I recognize.
This is something I need to work through, but I'm not ready to talk nor do I know where to begin. Do I start with the school drills I learned in school for whenever there was a shooter on campus? Or do I start with the attempted mass shooting at my university during my undergrad days? Or the false alarm during grad school? What about Pulse? Parkland?
I keep having to stop typing. My fingers keep stalling.
During the recovery in Orlando after Pulse, I heard from various sources that it's okay to feel what you feel. That your feelings are valid.
That my feelings are valid.
But...maybe its because I'm not surrounded by the community that knew what it was like, or because I've been lulled into a bubble of safety since moving here, but its been getting harder to stay steady whenever I hear about a shooting.
Of all the things to have to prepare myself for with my move, finding support for moments like these was not something I thought I had to do.
I'm working through these emotions, I am.
But it's not easy....hell, writing this post was not easy. I mentioned that I had to stop typing many times. My fingers were literally tensing and causing me to hit the wrong keys. It doesn't help that my thoughts are all over the place and stringing one thought together was so hard.
Partly because of the fever, but mostly because of this topic.
This post was/is more for me than it was for you, I admit. An attempt at putting it all down. Granted, I'm doing better now than I did when I first started this post.
If only it were that easy to move past this.
#SaveOurToya
04 November, 2018
How does this KEEP happening?!
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| PC: Ashley |
November is here, the leaves are changing, the heat mats are coming out, and I have climbed yet another mountain.
I'm not...mad...or anything.
But how do I keep finding myself on a mountain?
It's as if Korea has evoked the hiking enthusiast out of me. And today's hike was an adventure.
Where do I even begin?
Let's start with how I'm feeling now, shall we?
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| PC: Ashley |
My feet hurt, but my ankle is mostly fine. As you know, I had to go to the hospital a couple months ago to have it checked out. I had been a bit too active for my Achilles' taste and discovered I had tendinitis. The doctor told me to rest it for a month.
Well that month was up as of November 3rd.
Well that month was up as of November 3rd.
But...it did hurt for a while on the hike. I'm going to take that as a 'not completely healed yet' sign.
My head is killing me, as it usually does when I'm out in nature for a long time. I have nothing against nature, in fact, I love it. It's really peaceful and wholesome!
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| PC: Ashley |
However, my head still hurts.
Moving right along...despite the few aches and pains, I feel...GREAT! I climbed a mountain. I finally made it to the top of a mountain, despite my trash-talking.
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| PC: Ashley |
And no. We hadn't just started walking. (Don't be rude.)
That being said, I couldn't have climbed that mountain with a better group. We were...I don't think I actually have a word that describes us. Except, CHAMPIONS. (Since you know, we climbed a mountain...and listened to Queen while doing it.)
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| Look at this view. You're welcome. |
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| PC: Ashley |
Here are some more pictures from today's hike!
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If you wanna keep up with my latest shenanigans, hit the 'FOLLOW' button on the right!
#SaveOurToya
#SaveOurToya
26 October, 2018
Field trip of Isolation
What is inclusivity?
Not only did I go to professional development about this for 6 years, I studied it at grad school for two years.
So, I want to say that I have a pretty good idea what inclusivity is.
And maybe that's why I am just BLOWN away right now.
Okay. Wait. Before I go any further, let me just add that this isn't my first time facing this problem. I identify with a few minority groups that have limited me before.
But holy shit.
It's something else when it comes to being in another country for a job who has specifically asked for a foreign teacher and then go through such a blatant show of segregation.
What.
Even.
Maybe it doesn't seem like a big deal, but damn. For me, it kind of feels like a slap in my face.
Instead of splitting the teacher group apart, you can have me sit by myself away from the teachers and other students. And sure, you can also not include me in any conversation.
I thought it was my fault that no one was reaching out to me, but after this incident...I wanna say that it takes more than just me to make an effort. To build bridges.
Hopefully, the next field trip will be better.
14 October, 2018
JjimjilBAD
When the jjimjilbang turns into a jjimjilBAD.
Y'all...the experience was so bad that when I "woke up" today, I needed to get outta there ASAP. Muy rapido. No looking back. Gone. Bye.
I cannot make any of this up.
So, let me tell you what happened. (T, here's the story in my own words!)
Oh! And before I forget, this is all from my perspective. There were seven other people who have perspectives of what happened. And we all unanimously agreed without saying anything the next day, 'WTF was our night?'
I was at the lantern festival this year, which was lit. (This pun must be overused by now...?) Gigantic lanterns that depicted different symbols, stories, or points in history (Jinju's electricity bill must be very high during this time of the year...). There was lots of food, lots of people, lots of fun!
We all had a great time!
Then it came down to figuring out where we were staying. As you know, I had a great time at a Korean Bathhouse while in Daegu, so I was keen to do the same in Jinju. Cheap, fun, and relaxing.
Which would've been a great ending to our day in Jinju.
But uh...that's not how it worked out.
I'm still not sure if I'll be able to explain it exactly, because it was one of those: "you had to be there" moments. So bear with me as I list things out.
1) We couldn't find where we were going.
2) There was a creepy alleyway we had to walk down. For the record, the fact that there was five of us may deter some people from attacking us, but not all.
3) The price was $10 for the night, which yay! Saving money! And okay, maybe at this point you're like, only $10 Toya? Don't you think that should've told you what was going to happen? You know, besides the alleyway? My answer: hush, I'm not done.
4) The pjs they gave me didn't fit. As you know, Asians tend to fall on the more...smaller side. But I got curves and those shorts did not fit. (Meanwhile, they're all concerned about the shirt not fitting, ha!)
5) The baths were closed, ugh. But the showers were available, yay! At this point, I'm like, 'alright, cool. We can shower, lay down, sleep, eat some snacks, whatever, and get in the baths in the morning'. Oh how wrong was I.
6) No snacks. At all.
7) No mats for the floor. I was sleeping on solid tile. No wait. We got blankets, so that was nice. But I had to either sleep straight on the tile with the blanket covering me, or sleep on the tile and be exposed to the air. I could've gotten a second blanket, but I was too tired to get up, and my injuries were flaring badly.
8) I missed four chapters in my audiobook.
9) The lights were on in the sleeping area???
Wow, we're already at nine and I haven't even gotten to the 'best' part. And again...I seriously cannot make this up.
10) I'm finally asleep, or at least dozing. If I had been left alone, I would've woken up at least somewhat functioning. Instead, I was startled awake by some snoring. Loudly.
11) Snoring? Okay, I can handle snoring. Not my first snorer. But then there was a second one who snored when the other one was breathing. There was just enough break in between the snores to keep you from sleeping.
12) Farting. Next came farting.
13) There was the overachiever who farted and snored simultaneously too.
14) An older couple having a late night chat near our area because why not. They have nothing better to do around 2AM. Besides sleeping, but ha! Who needs that? Clearly no one in the jjimjilbang last night.
Okay, so at this point, its maybe 3AM? And I somehow found a way to doze off again. I thought that would be it.
It wasn't.
15) Some old man came into our area, which was kind of sectioned off from the other areas, and started yelling at us. In Korean. I had no idea what was going on, but at this point I figured this man was drunk and thought, 'hey, maybe if we ignore him, he'll go away'. But apparently, no. I found out later someone in my group made eye contact with him and that's why he stayed for a good moment...yelling...in Korean. Once he finally left, someone that I knew but didn't know joined us until then (like 3 more Fulbright ETAs joined our area) asked, "What did he say?". Apparently it was, "shut the hell up! I'm trying to sleep!"
What fucking irony. So was I.
16) He didn't stop. He went around for a good while this morning, yelling at people who were snoring. He stopped after he had a rather lengthy and LOUD conversation with one of the snoring victims. That was around 4AM. So nice of them.
17) At 6AM, I gave up on sleeping and just sat up and waited for more people to give up on the lost cause that was sleep.
Then in the next three hours, the first few people in our group got up to leave. Then another. Then myself and one other person. Two people stayed still, but I'm sure they left not too long after us. We were all just done.
Personally, my thoughts were along the lines of 'get me the fuck out of this city'.
Now, don't get me wrong. Jinju was a great place! Cute cafe that I went to twice, delicious food, and a fantastic lantern festival that's worth going to!
Just the...jjimjilbang was much to be desired.
The experience was such a turnoff that instead of taking the direct bus to my town, I went directly to Daegu instead. I just...really needed to leave.
One day, I'll be back in Jinju. And if I'm spending the night, it won't be at a jjimjilbang. Either a hotel or airbnb.
18) You thought the list was done. That's cute. Okay, so I'm in Daegu now. Which I've gotten pretty familiar with. We had brunch at the cutest place and ended up seeing Christopher Robin in theaters. Sounding good right? But then, I get grabbed by some old guy as I walk by him.
Not sexually.
He just grabbed my arm.
As if he had the right to put his hands on me.
(Which he fucking does not.)
19) And then on the subway to the bus terminal in Daegu...some random old man started shouting. Unprovoked, I found out a few seconds later. And he just kept shouting for six stops. This time, I had no one to translate for me, so I can't tell you what he said, BUT! Some of the people around him either got uncomfortable or laughed it off.
Wait.
Let me correct that.
The women got uncomfortable. The men laughed it off.
SO!
After what I thought would be a relaxing few hours in Daegu, ended up being not so relaxing.
At all.
The second I got home, I fell into bed and didn't move until dinner time.
Lesson planning could wait.
#SaveOurToya
If you wanna keep up with the shenanigans I find myself in, please subscribe to my blog to get the notifications!
PS. Festival, cafe, and brunch pictures will be uploaded on a separate post.
Week 14 - What do you mean it gets COLDER?
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| Basically everyone around me, telling me about the weather. |
Brah, it is 5-degrees Celsius outside.
(41-degrees Fahrenheit)
What do you mean it gets COLDER??????
It's barely October! And yet here I am, wearing long-everything, scarf, jacket, and a hat, wondering why I'm still cold. I'm about to experience a literal winter and I am not ready.
But don't get me wrong. I am excited for a few things this coming season. Like...snow~!
Having lived in Florida for 14-ish years, snow isn't something you see in person. Not really. And without knowing, I embraced the Floridian life quite a bit. Heat and sunshine? I know how to handle that pretty well. I still complain, but that's because it's still hot.
So yes, snow!
Had a dream this week that I saw gigantic snow flakes in front of my face. More than likely that dream was sparked by how cold its been getting, but hey. Snowflakes the size of my face? They're beautiful.
Who knew I was so artistic when I slept?
I'm also very interested to see how South Korea handles winter here. Such as, what foods pop up? Music? What about fashion? Will work/school have snow days? I mean, it's already different since I have most of Janurary off for the winter holidays, but work all of December. For me, that's a bit backwards, but I'm taking a wild guess that it's even colder in Janurary?
As the days grow colder, I will be getting my hands on hot teas and cocoa, thick blankets, and my package from home that has all my winter stuff in it. Like boots, socks (the fuzzy kind. What are we, plebs?), sweaters, and my wintercoat.
Word of warning to anyone moving to Korea and is stuck with the 2 suitcase rule as I was. You can have your winter clothes shipped (if you come during the summer and it's a literal heatwave in constant effect). Just make sure of one thing. If you're accustom to a more tropical climate, and lived in a place known for its sunshine, make sure your package gets to you within the first week of October. Because September will betray your trust in the coldest of ways that keeps getting colder.
If you wanna keep up with the shenangians that I find myself in, please hit the 'FOLLOW' button on the right!
#SaveOurToya
09 October, 2018
13 Days Later...
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| It's been a while! |
C'est moi!
That's right everyone, I am back. And crazily, on the thirteenth day...
As far as I'm concerned, that's not an unlucky number, especially since it's October. Goes well with the theme, don't you think?
I hope you've all taken care of yourselves while I've been away? If not, let's talk! My time away has given me breath and space that has helped me reach a calmer inner peace. A lot has happened, and over the next coming days, I hope to put up posts about most of it!
But first, I want to bring attention to my Thank You post. It's just a small thank you to everyone who reached out to me while I was away. That's really all I'm going to say on the matter as the post itself is rather self-explanatory.
I plan to update this post with links to the other posts that will reflect what happened while I was on my hiatus. And if any of you follow my Insta, I'm sure you have an idea of what I've been up to! Everything will be linked below~!
I have just one more thing to say.
It feels good to be back.
Please click the 'FOLLOW' button on the right to get updates on my latest shenanigans in Korea.
#SaveOurToya
9/26 - Hiatus
9/28 to 30 - Seoul and the Hospital
10/3 - The Mini-Break
10/6 - Busan
화이팅 (in More Ways than One)
Many of you have reached out to me, sharing your love and positivity during a time I wasn't able to do the same for myself. That is why this post is for you.
To you, who made me smile when I couldn't muster one up myself.
To you, who reminded me that I'm not alone.
To you, who talked me through my thoughts.
To you, who stood beside me.
To you, who listened.
To you, who cared.
To you...
To you...
I give you my thanks, my appreciation, and my affection. I know that many of you have your own problems that you're working through. And they are by no means less than someone else's. So, the fact that you took time to reach out means more to me than I can ever express. Know that if you need a willing ear or just someone to talk to, I am here for you.
Without hesitation.
#SaveOurToya
Without hesitation.
#SaveOurToya
06 October, 2018
That time I went to Busan
An unexpected trip that just coincided with the Busan International Film Festival. The host family and I went on a road trip to Busan, which was an unexpected trip. But hey, when you have a four day weekend, may as well, right?
There's nothing crazy noteworthy I want to talk about.
I am simply thankful that my host family wanted to take me with them and I was able to bond with my host sisters more. They don't live at home since they live in different parts of the country, but it's always a fun time when we're all together.
But I did realize something...now that I think about it. There is definitely a lot more Korean flying around that I'm not able to participate in. I felt more isolated than normal, but I know that wasn't their intention. I tend to be quiet just in general and I don't expect them to do everything in English just because I couldn't participate. I found my inclusions in other ways.
They always checked in with my injury, since there was a lot of walking. If I wandered off a little too far, someone would always make an effort to wait with me. There were even times when they would ask about how something works in America or how to say something in English.
And whenever we ran into another Fulbright ETA (which happened both days we were there), they would ask me about them.
It was on this trip, that I was reminded that I needed to look at the small actions of others. Because sometimes, that's what they're able to do during that time.
I hope you enjoy the pictures!
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