The End of 2019

I can't believe it.

2019 is almost over. And unlike last year I'm feeling much better. I'm not typing this post with a glare, but a smile.

(From left to right)Charlotte, Kay-leigh, Pi, Darlene, Me, Kim

Because I am feeling good.

This is what I wanted for myself when the decade first started. In 2009, I was still in high school, not a clue about my future, with exams and soccer matches being the most challenging part of my day.

Past me has nothing to worry about, and that's all I wanted.

I know what I'm doing and where I want to go.

I haven't felt this settled in a long time- God, this feels great!

Just can't keep this smile off my face!!!

A big part of this happiness comes from the Christmas Party my friends and I had on Christmas Eve. It was a small gathering of dinner, snacks, and Secret Santa. I really couldn't have asked for more. It didn't matter that half of the decorations were handmade by us or that it was a boogie ratchet Christmas.

It was with my family away from home~

The six of us even took the time to come up with two New Years Resolutions, and with some smart goals to be able to meet those goals! Cuz if we're going to do them, let's do them right!

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Our decorations and resolutions for 2020

My goals:
1 - Staying Connected.
Many of us are going our separate ways in 2020. Back to our home countries to either pursue further education or get a job within our field. Teaching has been fun, but it takes a real hero to stick with it.

Within our group, I'm the only one going back to the US. Which is a big factor of why I don't want to lose touch with the five of them.

I don't want to lose them despite the distance that will separate us in the future.

2 - High Intermediate Korean
I've been saying this for months now, but I'm definitely taking my language study more seriously than ever. I've completed level 1A with the YMCA, finished level 3 of the Talk to Me in Korean grammar books recently, and now....

Now I'm working on getting a tutor.

I'm trying as much as I can to reach my goal before leaving Korea!

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I think what helps is that I've already started on meeting these goals. No...I don't think.

I know.

And perhaps the very best part of Christmas happened when I got to speak with my family back home. A two hour phone call that was filled with laughter, drunk ramblings, mom's phone not working, and dad showing up late to the party despite being right next to mom.

I am thankful that in this final year of the decade that I found the joy that had been lacking more and more with each year.

Sounds sad to hear, doesn't it?

But that's what I've been battling at the end of every year. I was worried it would be the same again this year.

But now...it's 6 days before the end of the decade and there's only one way I can end this post.

#ToyaSavesHerself

300 Questions

As a teacher, I've learned that writing my own tests is essential to my students' education.

There are, of course, pros and cons.

Pros:
- Vocab is definitely something they've studied
- Format is familiar
- Directions are simplified

Cons:
- Takes a lot of time
- Students still don't read the directions
- Could be very long

My usual practice of assessing my student's abilities are vocabulary quizzes. They don't know this, but next year, they'll be tested on more than just spelling. This year, I have taken the time to gear them up to be more effective in their English. Speaking sentences and a better grasp on their spelling and listening abilities. I've also worked on their reading abilities. But the only  TEST  they've had are spelling tests.

In addition, my school likes to challenge the students in creative or 'not so creative' ways. For English, they've come up with the idea of a semester exam. The exam is completely voluntary, covers the entire semester, and they could win a prize depending on how many points they earn on it!

I think it's a fun idea.

What's not so fun about it is that it is a test that I write.

Four different times.

During everything that has been happening this last semester, I wrote up 4 exams with a total of  300 questions. Each exam has 7 parts that cover their textbook information, storybook stuff, and whatever other shenanigans we may have covered that semester. If I was going to write this exam and the students could win something, I am going to test. them.

It took me two weeks to complete these exams. Matching the formatting, working with Korean Microsoft Word, and keeping my students' varied levels in mind, I completed the task asked of me.

I'm pretty proud of the exams that I wrote.

And I think the reason I was so proud of them is because my students were at a level that I felt comfortable challenging them the way I did. They've come so far in their English.

I am extremely proud in their abilities!!

Now, as many of my posts, there is a 'can someone explain to me' moment that follows right after setting the stage.

That moment is now.

Can someone explain to me why I was told that 'so-and-so' would be printing out these exams so I don't have to worry about it, and yet someone still came looking for me, asking where the exams were?

Also, why was this person told I was proctoring (invigilating) the exam? I didn't even know when the exam would be today.

The only exam I knew about was the one during 5th period due to extenuating circumstances. I had to sit on that one, and I didn't mind. I wasn't teaching and could do it.

Clearly, there was some miscommunication (yet again).

While I knew the exam was today, I didn't know 100% if I would be sitting in on it or not. I had hoped that if I was needed for the exam, someone would come tell me within 5 minutes of the exam per their usual MO.

Alas, what actually happened wasn't that.

There was me who had no idea who was taking the test, when exactly the test was, and if I needed to be there.

There was the test organizer who I have no idea where they were or what they arranged.

There was the admin person who was supposed to print them out, but didn't know? (I think...)

There was the test proctor (invigilator) who thought I was handling the printing and would join.

So!

When the test was supposed to start (7th period, surprise, surprise), whatever false sense of security was felt for this exam went out the window. I don't know who dropped the ball and I'm not mad at them.

The only thing I hope is that people will start to wake up and see what is happening. It's a bit painful to put so much time and effort into my projects, but get little return.

Did you know I wasn't even included in the teacher group photo they had this week?

#SaveOurToya

This Needs to Stop

RANT TIME.

Cuz what the fuck is this?!

I got so angry about this dumb situation that I had to call my mom to calm down.

Last week, I was told that I had no classes to teach on Monday. None. Nada. Nix. Zero.

So, like the sensible person I was, I went ahead and got started for my monster of a class load on Tuesday. I have 7 classes on Tuesdays. If I can take more time for lesson planning, that's fantastic!

-Monday-

Now...can someone please tell me why I was told this morning why I was told I was teaching forty minutes before the lesson. Oh, and it's only for 20 minutes.

Of course, I can totally throw something together for this, but here's the thing...

I didn't wanna.

Last week, something similar happened. I was told ten minutes into a lesson that the class was back on my schedule at it's normal time and not the time it was adjusted to for a field trip. Because the students took the trip earlier in the week.

Not that I was told.

Nope.

That time, I had a lesson prepped, as the class time was just moved to later in the day.

But this time. I had no lesson.

My brilliant students finished their textbook last week and are technically done with 6th grade English class.

Okay, so there I was, being told I have to teach a 20 minutes lesson and had 40 minutes to prep. I came up with something, and it required minimal teacher input. It was very student-centered in that they were leading the class and my job would only require to ask leading questions to guide the conversation.

Now, before I continue, I would like to say that my nerves were already testy. I only had 3 hours of sleep last night. And anyone who suffers from sleep deprivation knows how delicate your grasp on your emotions can be. If you're not god awful tired and at the point of giving 'no fucks', you're balancing on a delicate ledge that a puff of breath can and will push you off.

This impromptu change in my schedule had me struggling to find my balance, but in the end I found it.

I walk up to the classroom I'd be teaching in (science room), and guess...fucking...what....

No one...

...showed up...

...at fucking all. 

I had to message friends asking if my irritation was justified and it wasn't the sleep deprivation talking.

I had to call my mother to get myself back into a 'social' function that wouldn't have me snapping anyone's head off.

Last year, I didn't get to feel the 'Christmas spirit' because of nonsense like this. Now, with a year and a half under my belt, I'm not letting this shit break me.

It won't.

It...can't.

If it does, I don't think I'll be able to make it until July.

#SaveOurToya

Nice, really nice...

With emotions rubbed tender, the air quality reaching unhealthy levels, and soon to be thrown under the bus (not really, I just wasn't expecting it) by my classmates, I found myself apathetically taking my Korean Exam last night.

The exam could've been much harder, and I am thankful that it wasn't. By the end of it, I finished my final semester off with a 98% on my exam, a certificate of completion, and (to my utter surprise) an award of excellence (모범상). Unlike the Korean class during my Orientation period, I did much better.

So much better.

And I also got a cute present with my 모범상. A reusable cup that also works as a cellphone stand and two chocolate lollipops.

When I got home last night, it seemed as many of my worries from the day were gone.

It was nice.

Really nice. :)

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For about an hour.

Then I found myself unable to fall asleep for reasons unknown. -__-

#SaveOurToya

EXPOSED

I feel like an exposed wire today.

I am one touch away from breaking. It's exactly what I need for my big test this evening.

Not a good cry...or anything.

#SaveOurToya

The Bystander and the Victim

Ever find yourself in a situation where you have no idea what is going on, but you know you should do something?

Say something?

That happened to me this past weekend. 

At first, I didn't do anything, because I couldn't figure out what I could do. According to Wikipedia's Bystander Effect page, "[t]he bystander effect, or bystander apathy, is a social psychological claim  that individuals are less likely to offer help to a victim when other people are present; the greater the number of bystanders, the less likely it is that one of them will helps". There are many factors that contribute to becoming a bystander. 

A couple of such factors happen to be ambiguity and diffusion of responsibility, and that's what I had to struggle with Saturday night.

What I saw was a well-dressed, emotionally unstable woman (crying, shoving people away) sitting on the ground, surrounded by a group of men.

So badly, I wanted to jump in, ask her if she was okay. But I couldn't.

It wasn't like we were in a dark alley way or some remote location. We were on one of the main roads with heavy traffic. Many people were walking by and were clearly watching what was going on.

And unlike myself, they understood what everyone was saying. 

I had no idea as to what was going on and I didn't know what options I had as a foreigner. You hear enough horror stories that when a foreigner is involved, they get blamed almost automatically. In situations like these, you feel powerless. 

So...so...powerless. 

My friends and I came back later to see what was going on, during that time, I told myself I would ask my school what I should do in those situations moving forward.

Instead of hearing about actions I could make, I heard victim-blaming. 

"That area is known for such things. Very common occurrence."

"A young woman, right?"

"She probably drank a lot."

"She gave herself to a demon."

The fact I wasn't asked, 'what was she wearing?' was an almost bigger shock than what I was hearing.

I was hoping to hear solutions!

Not....this.

But you know what else I noticed? Grand scheme after I worked through my reaction, I wasn't actually that surprised. I was more so effected by how blatant the victim-blaming was compared to the usual underhanded tactics that happen in my day to day.

The crap that once happened in my classroom in the Fall of 2018 was much worse than the stuff that happens now. Why? Because I nip it in the bud as soon as I notice something is going down or about to happen.

I've gotten really good at snapping my student's names out. Especially when it's not their nicknames. I'm not afraid to kick a student out of my classroom or give punishment tasks. I would have them scrubbing cauldrons in a heartbeat if this were Hogwarts!

When I hear them go, 'so and so did this', I am quick to have them do their own self-reflection. So-and-so may have done something annoying, but you're the one attempting to hit, kick, or throw their stuff out of the classroom.

Eye for a tooth, and tooth for an eye, any kind of revenge is not tolerated.

Maybe I'm playing hardball here because my classroom is something I can at least pretend I have control over.

I hope my students are learning/seeing what it means to take part and standing up when things aren't going right. Of course, they don't see that I'm floundering about on my best and worst days.

Perhaps a 'see something, say something' lesson is needed.

I don't know...

What I do know is that being powerless sucks.

#SaveOurToya

There's a List

Strap yourselves in boys and girls and people. It's been a couple of weeks since I last posted and who knows what craziness I'm about to impart upon you today.

Best to get the big things out of the way, shall we?



Number 1 (and yes, we have a list.)

Who da fuck spilled coffee on my desk?

It sure as hell wasn't me. I don't drink the hot bean water. To be frank, it's not my cup of tea. (hehe...get it?)

So someone, who I don't know but am quite certain drinks coffee, was sitting at my desk and had a little "oopsie". Thankfully, nothing important got ruined. Just some of my scrap paper that I like to reuse cuz I'm all eco-friendly that way.

But still.

Someone spilled coffee and didn't have the nerve to tell me.

Strike(s): 1


Number 2

Why wasn't I told my class were cancelled?

I'm used to being told the morning of my classes if they were going to be cancelled. After a year of it happening randomly (for me, not so random for everyone else), you build up a casual acceptance of, 'ah...okay'. And if a class is cancelled, it's not the end of the world. You can just move your lesson plan to the next time you have that class. Even if you had a themed event that you really wanted to share with your students because of a holiday, and it really shouldn't be moved, but here we are? Yeah. I know how to roll with the punches, even then.

But when it comes to one of my students informing me the period right before the 'cancelled' class and my co-teacher saying nothing, I have some problems.

I go to confront said teacher, and she goes, 'oh right! Yes, but not really. Only 7th period. It's a chicken party that we knew of for the last two weeks. You will be teaching during 8th period.'

Guess who didn't teach 8th period either...

Strikes: 3 (they got 2 strikes, for the double cancellation)


Number 3

Yesterday, I learned of something worse than last minute class cancellations. Last minute class additions.

Y'all...let me tell you how I work.

Because I've found a self-love for myself during that fuck-up of a time from a few months ago, I no longer bring my work home. Almost everything is done between work hours. Per my contract, that's a total of 40 hours. 22 of those hours, I am teaching (if classes aren't cancelled), and the other 18 are left for lesson planning.

Now, my lesson planning is down to a fine art. I don't prep a week in advance. I wish I could, but I don't. I lesson plan within 24-48 hours before the class.

Why?

Because I want to have taught the class beforehand to understand what needs to be worked on in the next class. Or hey, maybe we didn't get as far as I hoped to and can be less stressed as I ctrl+c and ctrl+v for a hot second.

Or in much, much simpler terms.

If my class is on Wednesday, I start planning on Monday and finialize by the end of my last free period on Tuesday.

Apparently, the teachers in my school thought, 'oh Toya's more than prepared. She always is. Let's just shift 2 classes forward, so now she's teaching 4 class this morning, and she should've already have been in her first class ten minutes ago. She's got this.'

To say I didn't have a mini-freak out and questioned my life choices would be a dirty, dirty lie.

I showed up, 15 mins late to my first (SURPRISE) class. Instead of giving them a proper lesson, we got to watch the wholesome movie Klaus on Netflix. Happy Holidays, y'all.

My other surprise class, I couldn't prepare for either but I showed up on time (small win!). I was still teaching my normal class schedule and those classes sat between my first surprise class and my second surprise class. Aka, no free time. They got to finish watching their semester movie and start watching Home Alone. "Merry Christmas, you filthy animals."

Strikes: 6


Number 4

Since my Wednesday schedule was thrown out of wack, for the last 5 hours, I have been finalizing 4 separate exams that my students will be taking in two weeks. You know, instead of spreading it over two days, alongside lesson planning for the next day, it got all packed into today.

I knew, at some point, that switch inside of me flipped. You know the one.

The fuck it switch.

Grade 3 and 4, sure as hell better be thankful, because Grade 5 and 6, that test is playing hardball. It's the type of test written by those teachers you hear about throughout your entire academic career. The teacher who "won't take your shit, so be sure to do it right the first time".

I meet with my coteacher tomorrow to discuss the exams. Unless there's an error, I'm not feeling to kind to making changes.

That may make me a bad teacher, but the hand-holding needed to stop at some point.  Why not for a competition test that these kids should have been preparing themselves for for the last three months?

Strikes: 10


Number 5

Now, let's rewind to Monday. It's only the second day of December. I was feeling pretty good. No mystery coffee, no cancelled class, no added classes, and no test finalizing.

My classes for the day were prepped on Friday and I had the drafts finished for the big tests done too. My weekend was solid (for once in a really, really, really long time) and I haven't had to deal with any racist bullshit.

The only thing I had to really be concerned about was my Korean test the following evening.

Then my co-teacher showed up and was asking for the Winter Camp lesson plans (that were never requested for until just now).

Which were not done. I had a stickie note of a rough outline, but nothing to be submitted.

So, I asked when she would like it.

Joker had the thought to have them due today. As in, the day the four big exams were due.

I think something in me knew. It just knew, "Don't you fucking agree, La Toya."

I didn't. I asked for it to be due the following week.

Thankfully, she agreed.

Unfortunately, I didn't get the form.

Strikes: 11


Number 6

It's fucking cold.

These days, I'm up to 4 layers when I leave my apartment. It's so cold, my eyes start crying without me even realizing. (It could be from the rage, but I'm like 99% certain it's the cold.)

Strikes: 15 (one strike for every layer)


Real Talk

Despite all these frustrating, mentally exhausting, when is my vacation, headache-inducing stress, some good things are happening too.

This year, I'm feeling the Christmas spirit. I feel unconditionally happy. I've gone to see Christmas lights and I'm even getting egg nog this year! I signed up to be a Santa Shopper for Samsungwon and doing a Secret Santa thing with my friends. (Which is wild, cuz I suck at shopping for people.) I'm also feeling all, 'let's share the Christmas joy' and want to bake Christmas cookies for my school and share my egg nog with them.

My Korean studies are moving along nicely. I have my big cumulative exam next week, and I'm not even nervous for it. I've made some good friends in that class. It's made the whole trip to Daegu every week more worthwhile. Though, after this test, I am switching back to self-study. I have come to realize that I'm actually pretty good at the self study bit, I just need to be more active in using what I learned. Cuz, yes, I can do it.

I've rekindled my passion for writing. I fully acknowledge that I want to write a book. Badly. No clue who would read it, beside my mom...s. (Yes, I recognize that I have more than one mom.) The funny thing is, what broken my writing hiatus that I've had since 2012 was the fact that I played the Sims4. The game has allowed me to visualize my stories, allowed me to play out various scenes, and when my Sims were on their own, give me plot twists that even leave me astonished.

I love myself. I'm not trying to sound self-absorbed, but I love myself. I really, really do. Finally, the relationship I've had with myself is turning for the better. I can finally see it. I'm pretty fucking amazing. I'm not sure when it all just...snapped into place. Maybe it was me acknowledging my real limits, a Christmas miracle, or I leveled up while I was sleeping, but it's beautiful.

I saw Frozen 2. I'm not going to talk about the songs, or the artwork, or the transformative "qualities" of the movie. What I am going to talk about is that for a solid minute or two, I was in literal body shaking, tears falling, hand slapping, mouth covering hysterics all because of a single snowman who likes warm hugs.

After this month, I have 7-ish months left until I leave Korea. It's a bittersweet thought. I've made a life here. My kids drive me up the wall, but I adore them as well.

And who knows...maybe...I'm just done with teaching in 7-ish months.

#SaveOurToya