Do you know what it's like to fear that your life will end at 3:32 in the morning and thinking it's the police?
And no matter how you yell at yourself to fucking move, your body refuses and continues to lay tangled up in your sheets?
I do.
This morning, I feared for my life and there wasn't anything I could do about it.
When I first left for Korea in the summer of 2018, I thought that by the time I returned to America, life would be better for Blacks. I hoped I wouldn't be so terrified to live here.
But life did not get better, it got worse.
I don't even know where to start, but I know where it ends. If it's not in the grave, it's in continued fear.
As you all know, I do my best to be honest on SaveOurToya. It's not easy putting this out for the whole world to see. But I do it anyways. And in my struggle to be honest, I confess that I am so terrified that I have to psych myself up to leave my apartment these days.
I don't know if someone will see me walking to the grocery store and see me as a threat. I am terrified to go on a walk.
This is what my life has become. A constant cycle of terror and fear.
I hate this.
I hate it so, so much.
I hate that because of a terrible storm this morning, I thought I someone was trying to kill me.
I am not ok, and I don't know when I'll ever feel safe living here.
#SaveOurToya
Hey my wonderful friend. I had to read it. I'm so sorry that you are feeling that way and my apologies on not getting your text this morning. If you ever need me please call me anytime day or night. You are not alone on the fears of being black and having to wonder if people will harm or look at you differently based on the actions of others and/or because of the color of your skin.
ReplyDeleteEven tho it's essier said than done.We can't let that deter us and being who we are and being placed inside what feels like being in a tiny box You are a wonderful, bright and intelligent fun loving human being. This too shall pass, but don't you for one second think or feel alone. I love you, I hear you and hear for you whenever you need me.
Love,
Chloe
Chloe,
ReplyDeleteThank you. Your words have touched me and I appreciate you for that. And you're right. I'm not alone. And I don't know if that make me feel better or not. I don't want anyone else to feel like this, but...it's the reality of our lives, right?
And please don't feel upset about being out of reach this morning. If I had felt comfortable enough to call, I would've. But at the time, my voice was nonexistent. Thankfully, I found other ways to calm down.
-Toya