Rule Number One

 Y'all....you will not believe the craziness I've been through in the last week, let alone the last two months. And after everything, I couldn't not write about it. I do not want another person to go through what I did. So, if you're about to PCS with the DoD, have a pet who will fly with your abroad, getting your Household Goods (HHGs) picked up, and thought you could trust people?

Well, let me tell you...you can't.

That's rule number one. Don't trust anyone. I can't tell you how many times I would learn of something new as I was going through various motions that kind of took my carefully laid plan and through in the garbage disposal. 

Okay, now that the number one rule is written, let's get into the nitty gritty.

Hope you're ready to count, but if you want to skip down to the bottom...and get the tips and tricks like this were a recipe blog....you're more than welcome to do so.

PCS-ing (Permanent Change in Station)

Moving is stressful. Period. There's no getting around that fact. And one thing you definitely don't want happening when you're moving, are systems that aren't working.

After being directed to submit my request to have my HHGs picked up in their online portal early September....nothing happened. Not until I called over two weeks before I departed and they tell me I never submitted my documents. Now mind you, I verified multiple times that my file stated 'submitted' online. 

And yet..."we did not get your forms. When did you email them?"

Me: Since when was I supposed to email them? I was only directed to submit into the portal and that my counselor would get in touch with me.

Rule Number One: Don't trust anyone: 1

Trust: 0

Now, after a week long of negotiating and requesting an exception, my HHGs shipment did not get picked up. And it is now a week before I leave. Outside of that, everything else was pretty much ok. I already gotten all my flights arranged, my hotel for the one night layover I have, and my suitcases packed. All that I had remaining was my cat's health certificate. Which had to be done 10 days before departure.

5 days before I depart, I was informed that my cat needed to have a Rabies Antibody Test (FAVN) completed at least 30 days before departure. I'm no math wiz, but even I know 5 does not equal 30. And her vet told me she wasn't comfortable completing the Health Certificate without it. She listed various reasons of which I understood, but I was also having a break down.

Why did no one mention this sooner? Did no one think to mention this when I called to make Binna's appointment for a Health Certificate? Where I stated where we were going?

Rule Number One: Don't trust anyone: 2

Trust: 0

I did not want to fly without Binna. She's been such a sassy godsend since I adopted her. And while working in a high stress job, she's been what's kept me calm and motivated during a lot of bullshit. The only reason I got up on most days was because I needed to make sure she was taken care of. I've already had to re-home one cat, I could not do it again. I did not have the strength. Not again.

Never. Again.

For a moment there, I considered turning down my new position.

But, I ended up having a delicious dinner and slept deeper than ever. 

When I woke up, I started making plans.

1 - Call around to get verification on if that test was really needed.

2 - Reach out to my sponsor to talk about my situation.

3 - Talk to the HHG people on the soonest everything can be picked up?

3a - Find someone who can be at the apartment to pick everything up.

4 - Health Certificate for Binna...?

5 - Talk to the leasing office about staying longer.

6 - Find Binna potential Pet Transport to Korea...?

7 - Breath.

After many phone calls, not only was I able to verify that if Binna didn't get the test done or have pending results, she would be quarantined in Korea until the results came back. Verified that with the airline.

Early morning, I shot an email to Korea asking my supervisor if she could call me when she could. This was a conversation we needed to have over phone, and not email.

After work, I called Binna's vet and told her what I learned from the airline, she agreed to do the health certificate. She sent me the file to verify the information, and after I clarified the information is correct....guess what I learned next.

"The health certificate also has to be endorsed by the USDA. So...you'll need to pay $121."

Rule Number One: Don't trust anyone: 3

Trust: 0

Now I have an additional payment to make?!

I just realized, I forgot to mention that the FAVN test costs roughly $350.

Rule Number One: Don't trust anyone: 4

Trust: 0

But hey....the health certificate was going to get done. If I was willing to pick up the health certificate, get a money order of $121, and get to Fedex before the last pick up, and I could get it overnighted to the USDA. But of course, there's no guarantee when the health certificate will get back. And i'll have to pay for overnighting fee with Fedex, too.

Rule Number One: Don't trust anyone: 5

Trust: 0

If anyone is keeping track, I'm almost to $500 and that's not even counting Binna's flight tickets. 

While I was running around town, making a (maybe) miracle happen, I get emails saying my HHGs could be picked up 11-2. Maybe. Its peak season, and everything has already been pretty screwy. But hey! My stuff finally has a pick up date!

Almost two weeks after my flight to Korea.

Rule Number One: Don't trust anyone: 6

Trust: 0

I was able to talk to my Leasing Office, they agreed to pushing my date out. 

Rule Number One: Don't trust anyone: 6

Trust: 1

My sponsor called during dinner time (timezones and all that) and I was able to tell her about my whole situation. Bless her. After one conversation with her, I felt not only better, but relaxed. My departure date got pushed back a month to allow for me to be there when my stuff got picked up. And for Binna to get her test results back....hopefully. That way she can fly with me.

Rule Number One: Don't trust anyone: 6

Trust: 2

When I called my leasing office the next day to extend again, not only was I informed that my previous extension request wasn't actually recorded, I would have to switch to the month-to-month rent amount. 

Rule Number One: Don't trust anyone: 7

Trust: 2, 1

Yeah, I asked if the lead leasing office person could give me a call back. So I can verify everything. I spoke to her today. She verified that I would pay a pro-rated amount of what I'm currently paying for November, and that the fee that I would owe by breaking my lease was waived.

Rule Number One: Don't trust anyone: 6

Trust: 1.5

And that's where I am. A departure date set further out, and waiting for things to get done. And like any good recipe blog, here's a recipe to get through PCS-ing with a pet. 

• Make sure your pet has all necessary testing done well in advanced. The FAVN test is good for 2 years, and can take up to a month to process. Do not hope for expedited testing. Testing will cost you money.
• Your pet will need a Health Certificate no more than 10 days old from your departure date. You will need it to be endorsed by the USDA. (Once I know how long it took mine, I will update this post to give a time frame.) This will cost you money. (I'll also list the final cost)
• Make sure your pet is familiar with their kennel (soft or hard, but only soft can be in the main cabin) before their flight. 
• Call your airline (if you have any commercial flights) to add your pet to your ticket. Pet space fills quickly!
• When booking anything, make sure you're always notifying everyone you will have a pet. If you have a cat, make sure you verify there is a litter-box available. 

• Verify two days after you submitted your HHG request. Constantly call. Leave nothing to chance. Assume everything is broken. 
• Make sure you have more than enough time to get your passport taken care of, if you need to request an official one. Go through the official passport office. It'll go much quicker than the post office. Especially if you're doing this during the pandemic era. 
• If you're renting, make sure your leasing office updates the exact dates. 
• Print all necessary docs and make sure you have at least three copies of your flight information. But a copy of your papers in your suitcases.

I will update this list, as more things come together. After all, I'm still stateside for another 30 days.

If there's anything I hope you leave this post with its that when it comes to moving...is to remember Rule Number One. Don't trust anyone, make them prove you differently.

As always,

#SaveOurToya

PS, here's some pictures of Binna after a long read.

Know Your Limits

Wildberry Smoothie with Pearls~

If it's one thing this picture doesn't show, it's that quite recently I made a decision for my mental health. And no, it wasn't buying the drink. 

Not completely, anyways.

I rarely talk about this, but a few years ago I was on the road to becoming a functioning alcoholic. I never reached a point that the first thing I drank was alcohol and ended my day on alcohol, but I was definitely falling into the category of becoming reliant on it when I got overwhelmed.

And a few years ago, I had a lot and nothing going on that it was quite common to see rum or tequila filling up one of my glasses. I even had moonshine in the house, at some point. Naturally, if I'm gonna be an alcoholic I'm gonna do it right.

But here's the thing, I caught myself and forced my way out of the bad habits I was developing. I went sober for a long time after that. It wasn't easy, but I managed it. 

These days, I still don't drink. I may partake in something small with a friend or on special occasions. My main rule, never drink when I'm upset, overwhelmed, feeling negative in any way.

Yesterday, I wanted a drink so bad because of a situation I found myself, I realized that something needed to change in my life.

Immediately.

This was a sign that my mental health was standing on the edge of a mountain and looking at the trees below with the babbling brook and majestic waterfall in the distance.

Last night, I could almost taste my homemade rum punch and how it would dance with my taste buds to make my day better. I could hear the ice clinking in my glass. I could see how the rum and mango/passion fruit juice mixed together in a sweet temptation. I could smell that tropical getaway in a glass yesterday and I was scared.

How could a situation have gotten so out of hand that I was back to this?

Small things, that's how.

But you know what? Despite where I found myself, I knew what I had to do. I needed to take myself out of the situation.

Was it easy?

No.

Did I still try?

Yes.

And I'm glad I did, because within 24 hours, a solution was found. These coming weeks, I might still teeter on the edge, wanting to drink and get through it without having to put in the effort. But I can't do that.

I can't.

I need to process it, clear headed and with my own strength.

This is why it's important to speak up. Yes, it's terrifying. Maybe some would say a sign of weakness, admitting you need help.

But isn't it a sign of strength facing your fears and weaknesses head on?

The decision that was made wasn't just me, it was those I consider honored to know who helped me come to a solution. They asked me questions, they helped me craft my wording, supported me before I even knew I needed help standing tall.

It may have been my mental health that told me my crown was slipping, but it was my people who helped steady it.

#SaveOurToya

I am not ok.

Do you know what it's like to wake up in the middle of the night, terrified for your life? All you can hear is your heart racing alongside the sounds of someone breaking into your house. All you see are the lights flashing outside your window. 

Do you know what it's like to fear that your life will end at 3:32 in the morning and thinking it's the police? 

And no matter how you yell at yourself to fucking move, your body refuses and continues to lay tangled up in your sheets?

I do.

This morning, I feared for my life and there wasn't anything I could do about it.

When I first left for Korea in the summer of 2018, I thought that by the time I returned to America, life would be better for Blacks. I hoped I wouldn't be so terrified to live here. 

But life did not get better, it got worse.

I don't even know where to start, but I know where it ends. If it's not in the grave, it's in continued fear.

As you all know, I do my best to be honest on SaveOurToya. It's not easy putting this out for the whole world to see. But I do it anyways. And in my struggle to be honest, I confess that I am so terrified that I have to psych myself up to leave my apartment these days.

I don't know if someone will see me walking to the grocery store and see me as a threat. I am terrified to go on a walk. 

This is what my life has become. A constant cycle of terror and fear. 

I hate this. 

I hate it so, so much.

I hate that because of a terrible storm this morning, I thought I someone was trying to kill me. 

I am not ok, and I don't know when I'll ever feel safe living here.

#SaveOurToya

Big Decision are BIG

I'm about to make one of the biggest decisions I've ever had to make.

This morning, I saw an email in my inbox that told me I had 24 hours to make a decision. Not a lot of time, and I doubt I'll have some saving grace like they do in the movies.

Yesterday, I was ecstatic.

Today, I'm troubled.

Or...at least I was.

I hope no one at work can tell that I was crying this morning.

I really, really hate decisions like this. You know, between the rock and the hard place...it's not a fun place to be.

But it's the place that I'm in and it's a harsh reality that took me blind this morning. I didn't know which was up and down. My head was saying one thing and my heart was tugged between two other things, not even in the mood to listen to my head. And the whole time, the rest of my body went through it's morning routine.

Get up.
Get dressed.
Morning walk.
Get ready for work.
Eat breakfast

After I finished eating, I recognized I was about to fall into a panic attack. I found it in myself to reach out to my friends first.

My first phone call helped calm me down.

After that, my dad called. (At some point, I had informed my family.)

And during that phone call...I began to cry. I couldn't hold it back. My body was reaching critical levels and was already beginning to shut down. It was not having this.

Yet...my dad was able to get me thinking straight again. His calmness and perspective restarted my systems or rebooted them. Whatever you wanna call it, I was no longer crying over my phone curled up on the floor of my kitchen.

We made an outline of what needs to be done.

A game plan.

Even though I still feel raw and not 100%, I know the decision I'm going to make.

Unfortunately...that decision will leave me in tears as well.

#SaveOurToya

EXPOSED

I feel like an exposed wire today.

I am one touch away from breaking. It's exactly what I need for my big test this evening.

Not a good cry...or anything.

#SaveOurToya

Wait...I'm 26?

In Korea, your age is a little different than what you're used to when you come from a Western country. To put it simply, when you are born, you don't start with 'so and so months old', you are officially 1-year-old. My understanding of that reasoning is that the months spent in your mother's belly....well, they count too.

Now, I'm not going on to the topic of 'pro-life vs pro-choice', I am simply stating a fact on how your age is determined in Korea.

Therefore, as a person born in the lovely year of 1993 as I am, I am 27 years old in Korea.

And as my birthday was today (Sept 4th), I am 26 years old in the States.

However, as I live in Korea I give out my Korean age.

Talk about a shock to my system when someone told me 'happy 26th birthday' this morning. Well, that was after I read about someone else telling me to wish my dad a happy birthday first.

Now, to put that into context, let me explain. My dad and I don't share a birthday. His is the day before mine. We've never had an issue in all the 27...26 years I'd been alive.

Until now.

I wasn't pissed off or told the person off. I simply took a screenshot and sent it in the family group chat. And then...maybe I was a little petty. I redacted the person's name and photo on the screen, added the something along the lines of 'nothing like getting told to wish someone else happy birthday on your own birthday' and posted it to my Facebook stories. I didn't even care if that person saw it or not.

"But what about the time zones, Toya?"

What about them?

Personally, I find it a slap in the face when a person doesn't take the time to look into such matters. It's really not that difficult, ESPECIALLY with technology. I'm not asking for you to find the position of the sun and calculate the wind speed to find out the time difference (note: I have no clue how to ACTUALLY find out the time difference).

A simple 'hey google? What's the time difference between here and South Korea?" would suffice.

Hell, you could even message me and simply ask first, then write your message appropriately.

"Oh, I didn't realize it was your birthday afterwards!"

I'm not asking you, too. Though it may seem like it, I'm not. However, if you know my dad's, you should know mine. But on the off-chance you don't know my birthday, then I guess you should have my dad's number. Seeing as you can remember his birthday. Then you can call and message him directly. Or hell, message my mother...you know...his wife. Who is actually with him. Not the daughter who lives in South Korea.

Oh...is my pettiness showing?

You know what, no. This isn't pettiness. This is my irritation being vented out.

Fear not! My birthday wasn't all bad~!

My students made it memorable with their wild antics that were calmed down by their more shy classmates. I got a few presents and many well-wishes. I felt their love.

Truly.

After school, I had a goal of going to buy a blueberry cake. The bakery didn't have it, so I settled for a few baked goods that I brought home and enjoyed while watching my new Drama.

Despite how my morning started, my birthday ended pretty well!

#SaveOurToya

GoodBye

Isn't saying goodbye one of the hardest things to get through?

All these feelings and memories popping up as you say goodbye not giving you a moments' peace.

Ugh.

It's getting harder and harder to write this post.

Apparently, I still haven't found my voice.

Now, this post isn't even a 'see you later' goodbye, but a 'I don't know when I'll ever see you again' goodbye. And I am literally the WORST at those kinds of goodbyes.

I never know what I'm supposed to say or do. I'm like that person who will go for the high five when you go for the fist-bump.

Oh dear god.

I'm that awkward parent trope that's trying to stay woke.

I know I act like a retired grandma who is 100% done with people's shit and wondering when I get my next nap, but really? Have I truly made it to the point that I can't do social interactions anymore?

**DEEP BREATH**

Okay. I can do this.

This post is about goodbyes.

This week, a majority of the Fulbright 2018-19 cohort are going home, saying goodbye to their time in Korea and hello to their next part in life. It's a kind of...bittersweet change. Though I wasn't very travel or social heavy like the rest of my cohort (retired grumpy grandma, remember?), it's still odd to think that after this week, they won't be in the country to reach out to. Those 79 people that survived an 8-week Orientation with, not crossing a river boundary, reluctantly obeying FEP dress regulation DESPITE the heat, battling for the washer and dryers, and enjoying soju outside the nearby 7/11s.

Mentioned in an earlier post, I described how I was at a loss of words during this transitioning time.

I'm still clearly affected, but...I can feel that I'm also just so much closer to my voice for the coming year.

On August 19th, 2018, I wrote about 79 goodbyes and 80 hellos. I wished my cohort all the best during their time in Korea. Now, as it closes out for most of them, I wish to extend similar well -wishes to them as they move to their next journey.

To those who are renewing a second year like I am, may this second year be just as fantastic (if not more) than our first year!

And to the new first years...may you forge new memories that you may never forget!

#SaveOurToya

Changes Are Coming

It's been about two months since my anxiety attack over trash. Lots of things have happened since then.

I've been to Jeju for the Fulbright Spring Conference, Sports Day at my school, various Korean holidays, and even, my parents came to visit me.

Each moment has something that I could talk about, but for some reason, I found myself struggling to talk about it. At first, I wasn't sure what's been going on, but my words were lacking.

Which is odd.

In Jeju, I was able to hear the ocean every night as I fell asleep.

At Sports Day, I got many awesome pictures of my students being...well, awesome.

During the Korean holidays, I was able to recharge a bit and hang with friends.

With my parents, I've noticed how much I've changed since I left Florida.

These are all good things with stories tied to them!

And yet...I'm left speechless in the worst of ways.

In roughly one month, my first year in Korea will be finished and I think...that's what's stopping me.

In one month, despite the fact that I'm not leaving, I am still saying goodbye to those who are. With each of them goes a part of Korea that has made my time here so memorable. I've already begun to notice it with others who've left that aren't Fulbrighters.

Things are shifting and changing as the circumstances are.

It makes sense, though.

It does.

And I supposed I could say I'm making peace with it.

Now that I'm being honest with myself, I can see the sadness that's holding my voice back.

Changes are coming and I need to find my new voice for the year.

#SaveOurToya

Starring Toya

February is here!

What will become of our wandering heroine, you may ask? Or you don't really care...

Either way!

February is here and I'm happy.

Everything has worked itself out for me, somehow...

These last six-ish months, were as much up as they were down. It was a bit WILD, to be honest.

But now...now, things have settled and feel...like a cliche moment.

Wait a minute... Am I seriously living a cliche? It's as if my movie suddenly did a wrap, everything just...works itself out.

Oh dear god.

I'm living a cliche...

#SaveOurToya

I don't like being tricked

Today, I found myself silenced again.

But instead of some creep trying to assault me, my host family, with all their good intentions, completely disregarded my wishes.

My voice.

This time, I didn't stay quiet.

I've been fighting off a cold/flu thing this last week. And all week, my host family has been urging me to go to the hospital, to which I have politely declined.

"No, I'm good."

"No, thank you."

"No."

I don't think I could have been any clearer in my wishes of not going to the hospital. And yet...I found myself at a hospital this afternoon (12/31), politely rejecting my host mom from making me an appointment.

Fam, they got me all the way to the hospital before I figured out that the appointment wasn't just for host mom, but also me.

It took longer than it should have for host mom to understand that I was not seeing a doctor, no matter how nice she was trying to make it sound.

"Oh, he's really good for a cough."

"Do it for the experience."

"Host dad is worried."

I don't give a damn about a doctor's credentials. I do not want the experience. And I won't be guilt tripped into making a decision I've said I did not want to do. You took my choice away from me. You disregarded my voice on the matter. And you fucking tricked me.

I don't know how often I've told them that I don't go to the hospital for a cold. It's not a matter of pride or having sub-par health insurance, but a matter of cultural differences. For me, a cold means sleeping it off. Not a trip to a hospital.

A cough means I just got over a cold and I'm working on expelling the mucus. Not a trip to a hospital.

I don't know if I've expressed it well enough, but the shit they just pulled?

It was a slap in the face.

I've been told by others that they mean well. Meaning-well is one thing, for which I have nothing against. But disregarding what I've been saying because you think you know better than me, is a completely different story.

See, here's what I seriously don't get. I've mentioned this before, but it bears mentioning again. Why is it, we get all this training about respecting the culture here, but schools and homestays don't get taught to respect our culture? Our thoughts and opinions? Because at the moment, the way I see it, because we're being polite and respectful, we've built this persona that is more or less disregarded by our peers around us. Because they think they know better.

And fine, this is their country. They do know better on how their country works. I can admit I don't get how things work in Korea, and I'm constantly learning new things.

But when it gets to a point where I'm walking out of a hospital pissed, because the people who are supposed to be my "family" have disregarded my wishes, then there's a problem here.

You know what, even when I was completely pissed and extremely tempted to just walk out of the hospital, I still tried my hardest to be respectful and make sure my host mom saved face. Hell, I'm pretty sure I kept that stilted, but polite smile on my face the whole time.

Right now, I honestly don't know how much longer I can stay in a homestay. There are good moments, one's I don't write about, but they exist. They make staying here, a lot of fun. But then things like this happen and it reminds me all over again why I want to have my own place.

#SaveOurToya

Poetry - I am tired

It's a struggle being constantly on.
I never stop smiling
I never stop laughing
I just never stop.
Sometimes, I don't even know why I'm happy.
Have you ever stopped
and thought about it?
Why am I happy?
Why did that make me smile?

It's a struggle being constantly on.
I never stop smiling
I never stop laughing
I just never stop.
I've been on for so long,
I don't even remember what it's like being off.
I imagine there's an inner peace,
cradling me in its arms,
whispering softly that everything was gonna be okay.
That I don't have to try so hard
that I can just drift along
and leave my worries outside my four walls.

It's a struggle being constantly on.
I never stop smiling
I never stop laughing
I just never stop.
I want to say that there was a time
when 'on' read as 'off'
and I didn't have to fight my reflection.

It's a struggle being constantly on.
I never stop smiling
I never stop laughing
I just never stop.
Do you know what it means
to constantly be at odds with your Self?
All I want to do is sleep
and know why I laugh.
But every time I try,
pulling my strength from pools
I didn't even know,
something- someONE
steps in my way
And I'm still running,
running,
running- Where am I running?
I don't know.
My legs are tired.
My laugh is tired.
I am tired.

It's a struggle being constantly on.
I never stop smiling
I never stop laughing
I just never stop.

Crying At Work

That's right. I was crying at work today.

They weren't sad tears, but relieved ones. 

I think...

After the week from hell, I had another case of students using rude language in the classroom. Do you know what it's like to hear a student say, "what the fuck?" after you give them an assignment? A student who, four years ago was in kindergarten? 

And it's not just one student. It's many students. Who say it at different times, on different days.

I'm well aware that they're kids, who don't have a true understanding of what they're saying...but...come on. 

I've stopped class mid-session and called them out on it.

I've said sternly, many times, "No. We do not say that."

I've even kicked two kids out of my classroom, and spoke to them one-on-one. 

For four months, of constantly telling them to stop, that it makes me sad, that its not nice, I'm finally brought to tears. 

But not because they cursed me out. That, while hurtful, isn't something that could bring me to tears. They're a couple of decades to early for that. 

No, I was brought to tears because of the apology I just received. 

My fourth grade class, the hellion-class, the ones who have tried me every day, just all said their apologies to me in various states of devastation. It came to my attention that the class was made aware of how I felt when they spoke rudely to me, around me, against me. 

And in return, they asked me to meet them in the science classroom, so they could apologize.

Y'all, I don't even care that they said it in Korean (mostly) and that one of the teachers translated for me. I don't even care that they made me ugly cry in front of them. 

All I know and feel, is that my heart isn't as heavy anymore. After their individual apologies, I had a teacher translate my teary response.

Here's what I told them...more or less...

"I am so happy that you've all apologized. I don't think you understand how much it hurts my heart when you speak rudely. I am so far from home, and I want that we have fun together. I want to make good memories with all of you. My heart is much lighter now. Thank you."

Then I gave them all hugs, because hugs make everything better. It didn't matter that I was ugly crying...some of them were ugly crying...no, that's not what mattered. 

What mattered was that we were moving passed this tough time together. That they understood my feelings and I understood their's. 

That is why I don't think I can classify my tears as tears of relief. It wasn't relief that I was feeling...not exactly. I was feeling an overwhelming sense of connection. I felt that finally, we connected. That we understood each other. 

And now for the rest of the day, I have such a delicate balance on my emotions. I can feel myself sometimes tipping over towards, 'gurl, you abou'ta cry', and have to jolt myself back to a steady spot before I ugly cry in the 교무실 and we don't need that. 

No one needs that.

Well, I probably do. But I can cry at home when I have my hot chocolate with some marshmallows that apparently Daiso sells. 

#SaveOurToya

Baker's Table - A Restaurant Review...sorta

One of the goals I made for myself this grant year was to find a German restaurant in South Korea. While I know how to make most German dishes that I crave from time to time, sometimes I just want someone else to cook. That's right, I admit it. I like being lazy.

Big shocker.

A couple of weeks ago, I found a place called Baker's Table. It had a pretty intensive menu that put a smile on my face and a dinner date in my planner. 

Finally the day came. I was so excited! I found some time before my meeting to scope out where the place would be, so I could head straight there after my meeting and make the most of it before catching my bus.

I don't think I can convey just how much I needed this to be a good moment for me.

No, not good.

It needed to be wonderful, exciting...brilliant.

When I finally stepped foot into the place, I...was kinda disappointed. 

In a single glance around the place, I noticed it was packed to the point of being uncomfortable. Which meant, there would be a long wait.

Really long.

I would miss my bus, long.

You know, big picture here...with the week that I had, I wasn't too surprised that this wasn't working out for me either. Disappointed, but not surprised.

Instead of focusing on the crippling disappointment and crying in a room full of strangers, I decided to grab some stuff from their bakery and then take off. It'll give me the chance to pop into a clothing store I've been eyeing (OKBT) before heading to the Nambu Bus Terminal.

Sometimes, I'm really thankful that my brain can make rational decisions while the rest of me is trying to figure out which way was up. 

I'll have to try again another day, but...at least their baked goods were rather delicious. Which I had to wait about ten minutes to get together. 

Here are some pictures of the bakery:

#SaveOurToya

Curious about the week I had? I recommend reading the following posts: Lost, Permanency, and Train Naps. They all happened within a week's time marks one of the roughest weeks I've had in 2018.

Train Naps

All I wanted to do was nap.

Hey everyone, I'm going to be very candid here, and let you know this may be a triggering piece. If the topic of sexual harassment/assault and/or non-consensual makes you uncomfortable, than this post is not for you.

That being said...I want to follow up with, "I'm okay". I went back and forth on whether I should post this, but then I remembered the reasons I started this blog. And one of those reasons was honesty.

-----------------------

I had a late night on Friday. I had a fabulous dinner at a bulgogi "tent" with a friend in Daegu, followed by a cute cafe. As in, I'm pretty sure I found my favorite cafe in Daegu. It gave me a wholesome feeling and that's what mattered most.

This week had not been kind to me. :(

So, from cafe to hostel, I wasn't asleep until just before midnight. When I went to sleep, I was excited for Saturday. I was going to catch a train to Seoul, do some shopping, German restaurant (!), and see some friends for a five hour meeting (more excited for the friends than the five hour meeting). My Saturday was planned with the precision of a daughter raised by a German mother.

The second I sat on my train at 4:30am, I was ready to nap the whole ride. Seeing as I barely had three hours of sleep.

Clearly,  a nap sounds lovely, doesn't it?

And yet...someone had to ruin it.

Sitting in my window seat, with my large winter coat covering me, listening to my audiobook, eyes closed. I was relaxed and enjoying myself. It was so peaceful that I was about to turn off my audiobook and fall asleep.

I did not give it a second thought. My last few train rides were very chill and relaxed.

I registered that someone had sat down next to me, but that happens. You don't get to pick your seats, the system does. I shifted over a little since I figured the person was a little bigger than me, what with our arms and legs touching.

So, I shift.

But then I felt an arm resting on my side, and a leg pressing against my own...again.

So, I shift over...again.

Then I felt it all over...again.

Which is when I realized, this person is purposely being overly touchy. They're leaning on me, pressing against me, touching me...on purpose.

I hated it. I did not want it. I wanted to shove them away from me. Off of me. But I couldn't find it in me, and that made my frustration build.

In a single moment, this person turned me into an object. An object that they thought they had the right to touch. To invade.

I was uncomfortable...angry...disappointed...scared.

I was floundering about, trying to find a way to get out of the situation I found myself in. What do you do in a situation like this? Do I shout? Do I push him away? And if I do, what then? What will happen next? Will I be able to defend myself, or will he say its just the talk of a delusional foreigner trying to ruin his reputation? And with my limited Korean, will I properly be able to defend myself?

All these thoughts kept flashing through my head along with just how confident this person was going to be in a public space.

It was a few short minutes, but for me...it felt hours long. I felt trapped in my window seat, with this silencing invader hovering around me, taking away my voice. A voice I fought to have. Continue to fight to have. And yet...at that moment, I couldn't have a voice. It was robbed from me.

I became the object this person thought I was.

At some point, I found something inside of me. Perhaps it was a reminder of who I am or a hidden strength that has belied my actions for years that couldn't stay silent. I don't know what it was, but I'm so thankful for it. Because at that moment, I finally sat up and looked my attacker in the eye.

At this point, he'd already begun touching my thigh with his own hand, still pushed fully against my side.

And just like that, everything changed.

His leg was no longer pressed against mine. His fingers were no longer touching my thigh. His arm was no longer resting on me as if I was the arm rest. An object.

This whole experience was a reminder that while Korea has given me a safer sense of security than the states, there is still dangers. Dangers that can come at you when you're sleeping. Dangers that can take your voice that you continue to fight for.

This was not my first assault, but it was my first one in Korea. And while I hoped that it would never happen, it has. And I know it won't be the last time. My own autonomy is constantly in question, simply because I'm a woman. I'm not even factoring in all my other identities that take my autonomy further away from me.

Sometimes, life isn't easy and right now, I'm struggling with one of those moments. While I could put all my energy into wishing it never happened, it did.

It happened.

#SaveOurToya

If you or someone you know is ever put in a situation that is no bueno, and you need to talk to someone, please check out the information below. Everyone has different ways with coping and moving past a situation, so this is by no means me telling you what to do. I only want you to have all the resources possible.

Migrant Women's Hotline (365 days/years, English and 7 other languages): 02-1577-1366 or outside Seoul, local area code + 1577-1366.

Seoul Call Center: 120 (02-1220 cell phone/outside Seoul) then press '9' for foreign languages

And evidently 112 and 119 sometimes have English options depending on region and shift but they both automatically trace your phone when you do call.

Asia Emergency Association: 790-7561
Which is a bit more roundabout but might be easier if you need a guaranteed English speaker

Lost

Just when I thought things were going right. That I was happy...

Host mom just dropped some news on me that has left me upset.

Ho ho ho, Merry Christmas to me.

Now, it's been some time since I last posted, and that's due to not feeling the season. This time of year is pretty special to many people, no matter what they celebrate and hold dear to them. For me, this is a time of family, good cheer, Hallmark movies, egg nog, and hot cocoa.

And I've been trying very hard to get into the spirit of the holidays, but it hadn't been working until this morning when I was sitting in a Starbucks. I could smell the coffee brewing, listening to Sam Smith's version of Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas, surrounded by Christmas decoration, and having a laugh with good friends. That was when I felt it. That spark of warmth.

I felt genuinely happy this morning.

Little did I know that eight hours later, I would hear some news that...well, I'm pretty sure that feeling I had was extinguished.

I've lost it...the feeling of home.

#SaveOurToya

WILD

Y'all, last night was WILD.

Remember how I was struggling with some problems about Christmas caroling for the festival my school held? Well...the festival has come and gone and things got wild afterwards.

After all my tough times, I want to tell y'all about something fun. And what happened last night, embodies fun in its entirety. But bear with me, I'm hungover as I'm typing this.

I also only had 2 hours of sleep.

I'm apologizing now for any typos, grammatical errors, and English tomfoolery I'm about to unleash in this post.

First, I'm happy to announce my kids nailed it last night. Wish me luck as I start teaching them some Lion King songs in honor of Lion King being in South Korea. The school is taking a field trip in December to see the show. Gotta get these kids ready.

Anyways, the show ends, parents are going home, teachers are passing out school fliers and helping parents gather their children together. I'm trying to figure out what time my car pool was heading home. It's 9-ish in the evening and I thought I heard we were staying until 10pm.

So, as I'm trying to work out what time we're leaving, which ended up more of a 'we gotta nunchi this', one of the teachers asks, "Who wants to go drinking?"

The speed that many teachers were willing to put cleaning up to tomorrow and have some downtime was eye opening. I hadn't realized just how exhausted they all were. My coworkers hide their struggles very well. And when that invite came my way, I was quick to say 'yes'.

Now, I also thought it would just be for an hour.

Oh no. I didn't start making my way home until 4am. But that's jumping ahead in the story.

Where was I...oh right! So we go to a bar named Cheers. No one there knew my name. But I had 500cc of beer in my hand within seconds of the head teacher sitting down. For those of you who don't know what 500cc is, its equivalent to 500ml. It was a good amount of beer. I had roughly 4 of those as the night passed.

There was also a bottle of soju thrown in there, because why not?

Alright, so I got the alcohol covered, here's what floored me. My co-workers were so relaxed and comfortable, that the intimidation of the language barrier lowered. I was able to speak to many of my coworkers last night and gotten to know them better. It was such a wholesome feeling that I got from them.

And then...one of the teachers told me, outside of work hours, I could call her 언니. Basically, our relationship leveled the fuck up. We also considered ourselves platonic soulmates because we understood each other so well. And I mean, really well. Practically thinking the same thoughts when we're conversing.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the table, the bromance between the guy teachers was very real, which sparked a conversation about LGBTQIA+. And those of us in the conversation agreed, love is love is love.

The night was literally a beautiful night.

But...the second one of us actually fell asleep at the table mid-conversation, that should've been my clue that things were about to get wild.

Everything that follows feels like it happened so quickly, but I know it happened over a 3 hour time-frame.

Five of us looked for a 노래방 (karaoke), and realized we're in a small rural town and that things don't stay open that late.

I called a taxi for one of the teachers, she was drunk after one of her three 500cc mugs.

Philosophical conversations in English and Korean. Both being quite slurred, but having the best of intentions as we try to figure out how to best work with an obstinate student.

Lost and found cell phones. Never mine...I was still aware enough to know where my phone was...

Oh my god! Let's talk about the bathroom situation. There was one bathroom with a regular stall and a urinal that was more or less covered up by one of those bathroom divider things. It was a gender neutral bathroom. And you never knew if someone was in there using it or not...Of the three times I went to the bathroom, I know for a fact, one time...there was a guy using the urinal. I don't know if he ever realized that I was in there as the same time as him...

By 1am, one of the most docile teachers announces to the group, 'We're not going home. We go to next place. More beer' in her best English. Normally she's so shy and hesitant to speak English, but brah...she took charge and it was in English.

I definitely need to reach out more to the teachers at this school. Extend my hand further, because the wholesome feeling from last night was something I want them all to enjoy more often.

Wait...does this mean we need to go drinking more?

Well we're in luck! Despite coming up with a group name (we're called AM...not sure why...but it made sense last night, I guess?), we also have plans to meet up on Monday in the evening.

Anyways, we're all getting ready to go, being the last group at the bar by the way. Cheering and laughing and speaking a mix of Korean and English. I think some of the teachers were slightly startled at the amount of Korean I could speak. Which isn't much, but enough that I can get my thought across at times...

ANYWAYS! 6 from the original 11, went right ahead to the next drinking spot. And yes...that included me. And not to worry, we took a taxi! Oh! Before I forget...our next drinking spot was going to be a 노래방. (Yes...we tried finding 노래방 again. No regrets.) But realized, again, that there wasn't one open, we went to a...I actually don't know the name of the place.

It's a place you can eat hot Korean food and keep drinking for a cheap price. Which is what happened for the next three hours.

By 4am, I was finally falling asleep and the night was called. Time to go home.

Now, I was going to call a taxi, but host mom was all, 'No! We'll walk! Together! Let's go!' It's below the freezing point, we're both drunk, and she wants to walk home?

Well, we got home around 4:30.

Now, had it been a normal Thursday turned Friday situation, I would've just gone to bed.

I didn't.

I packed my bag since after work today, my traveling for the weekend began. One night in Daegu and the following in Seoul. I got to sleep around 5am. Did I say something different earlier in the post? Bah, that's wrong. I went to bed around 5am, just to wake up at 7:45am for work.

And what I thought would be a regular morning was not the case.

Apparently, host mom had the bus driver's keys and phone. I had wondered last night where she'd gotten the bag that she suddenly acquired, but...I was busy trying to stay warm at the time.

And we needed to go get the car from the bar.

And breakfast.

One second, I was about to make myself a bagel and the next I was climbing into host dad's truck to be driven to the bar to get the car, but host mom and I went to GS25 (a convenience store) and looked for breakfast before heading into work.

And when we get to work, thirty minutes later than usual, but still on time...I realized...one of the cars back at the bar has been one of the teacher's cars. She hadn't gotten it yet.

Was she...was she not coming in?

Sis rolled in at the start of first period...

And now I have a raging headache and have to go teach one of my rowdiest classes in about twenty minutes.

#SaveOurToya

13 Days Later...

It's been a while! 

Guess who's back~!


C'est moi!

That's right everyone, I am back. And crazily, on the thirteenth day...

As far as I'm concerned, that's not an unlucky number, especially since it's October. Goes well with the theme, don't you think?

I hope you've all taken care of yourselves while I've been away? If not, let's talk! My time away has given me breath and space that has helped me reach a calmer inner peace. A lot has happened, and over the next coming days, I hope to put up posts about most of it!

But first, I want to bring attention to my Thank You post. It's just a small thank you to everyone who reached out to me while I was away. That's really all I'm going to say on the matter as the post itself is rather self-explanatory.

I plan to update this post with links to the other posts that will reflect what happened while I was on my hiatus. And if any of you follow my Insta, I'm sure you have an idea of what I've been up to!  Everything will be linked below~!

I have just one more thing to say.

It feels good to be back.

Please click the 'FOLLOW' button on the right to get updates on my latest shenanigans in Korea.

#SaveOurToya

9/26 - Hiatus
9/28 to 30 - Seoul and the Hospital
10/3 - The Mini-Break
10/6 - Busan

화이팅 (in More Ways than One)

Many of you have reached out to me, sharing your love and positivity during a time I wasn't able to do the same for myself. That is why this post is for you.

To you, who made me smile when I couldn't muster one up myself.

To you, who reminded me that I'm not alone.

To you, who talked me through my thoughts.

To you, who stood beside me.

To you, who listened.

To you, who cared.

To you...

I give you my thanks, my appreciation, and my affection. I know that many of you have your own problems that you're working through. And they are by no means less than someone else's. So, the fact that you took time to reach out means more to me than I can ever express. Know that if you need a willing ear or just someone to talk to, I am here for you.

Without hesitation.

#SaveOurToya

The Mini-Break

During my hiatus, I thought a lot about my status of renewing my contract or not. We had October 3rd off for 개천절. And thank goodness that we did, because I was emotionally dead by that point.

It's why I was thinking about renewing my contract. It got real rough at work.

Given, I've been here for a short time in the grand scheme, and it's not something I need to make decision about now.

But.

My thoughts still wandered and I decided to give it some serious thought. Especially since I was on a hiatus and was taking the time to care for myself. Ignoring my thoughts or feelings is the exact opposite of what I told myself I needed to do.

Now, as many of you know, I want to do all three years with Fulbright.

At least...I did...

And I'm not saying that I'll switch over to EPIK or maybe go to a different country. I've seriously contemplated going back home after this year.

Crazy! I know!

But, at the current moment, that's just where my head is and I wanted to make note of it. I'm not disregarding this feeling or thought because I made it during a not so good time for myself. It's still a very real feeling.

It's not shade at Korea or anything.

I'm just contemplating if teaching is really my thing...

It's especially hard when you're faced with misbehaving children. And I'm not talking about tantrum-ready, screaming children. I'm talking about kids who are quicker to curse you out and call you a pig. I've always said kids were mean, but sometimes...they can be particularly vicious.

Behavior like this is hard to correct. It's doable, but hard. And since we have a language barrier between each other, it's even harder. But you can be proud of me. I did not let it stop me. I'm not afraid to stop a lesson midway through and get serious. 

And why should I be afraid to do that? It'll ruin the lesson? Let's be real. The misbehavior has already ruined it.

I had had enough and pulled a full halt on everything. I cut them off. I stared them down. I spoke over them. I made sure I had everyone's attention. Then in as simple as possible with words I know they know, I told them: "No. I do not like bad words. You will not say 'fuck you', 'what the fuck', or 'mother fucker'. That is bad. No more."

Of course, there had to be that one kid who called me a 'pig' to lighten the mood. Shut that right down as well.

I've yet to escalate this to their homeroom teachers or my coteacher. Honestly, I don't know why I haven't. Maybe, it's because I want to try to handle it on my own, as I hadn't tried yet. It could be because of anything. As far as I see it, if it does happen again, I'll get serious again and bring it up to their teachers then.

I did not fly all the way across the planet to be disrespected or made fun of. And yes, kids are kids. But it doesn't mean they have to be horrible. That crap won't fly in the real world. And frankly, it doesn't matter that they're only elementary school kids, because they're still in the real world. I'm in the real world.

This behavior definitely will play a part in influencing whether I want to be here another year or not. To do three years would be beautiful, but...if reality is telling me differently, then it's telling me differently.

Are any of you having these thoughts of renewing your contracts or staying at your place of employment for another year?

If you wanna see what else I get up to while in Korea, please hit the 'FOLLOW' button on the right!

#SaveOurToya

Happy Birthday to Toya!

Birthday cake - Blueberry
from Paris Baguette

My birthday fell this week in an odd case of 'Wait, its September?' I don't know what happened, but I don't think it clicked for me that after August came September, until I was in my 5th grade class asking them, "What is today?" 

To everyone's surprise, mine included, it was my birthday.

Birthday dinner was delicious!

Nonetheless, I had a very happy birthday! 

My host family surprised me with a birthday cake and a traditional Korean birthday dinner. It was a night of good food, good conversation, and good people. I couldn't have asked for a better host family! 

I was so very happy!

Outside of the homestay, my friends and family reached out, not letting a little distance come between us. I don't think I'll be able to express how much the well wishes meant to me. It may sound silly, but in all honesty...the fact that people from home reached out to me, it was like they still remembered I existed. It's so easy getting caught up in the day-to-day and the on-goings of everything around you; its so easy to just rely on someone's physical presence as a casual reminder that they exist. Since I'm no longer in the city beautiful, I don't hold it against others when they don't reach out. I understand and am guilty of it myself. 

Apsan with a view~!

In summation (scrabble word of the day), I was grateful and thankful.

Since my birthday fell on a weekday, I was perfectly alright with the small party. I was tired anyways, I was in no mood to get turnt.

However...the following weekend, I went to Daegu and had a such a blast!

Let's just say I climbed a mountain (again!), went to Costco, found cheap good vodka, and didn't make it to bed until 3am. 

This is what 25 years old looks like. At least for me it was. 

#SaveOurToya