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| Wildberry Smoothie with Pearls~ |
Not completely, anyways.
I rarely talk about this, but a few years ago I was on the road to becoming a functioning alcoholic. I never reached a point that the first thing I drank was alcohol and ended my day on alcohol, but I was definitely falling into the category of becoming reliant on it when I got overwhelmed.
And a few years ago, I had a lot and nothing going on that it was quite common to see rum or tequila filling up one of my glasses. I even had moonshine in the house, at some point. Naturally, if I'm gonna be an alcoholic I'm gonna do it right.
But here's the thing, I caught myself and forced my way out of the bad habits I was developing. I went sober for a long time after that. It wasn't easy, but I managed it.
These days, I still don't drink. I may partake in something small with a friend or on special occasions. My main rule, never drink when I'm upset, overwhelmed, feeling negative in any way.
Yesterday, I wanted a drink so bad because of a situation I found myself, I realized that something needed to change in my life.
Immediately.
This was a sign that my mental health was standing on the edge of a mountain and looking at the trees below with the babbling brook and majestic waterfall in the distance.
Last night, I could almost taste my homemade rum punch and how it would dance with my taste buds to make my day better. I could hear the ice clinking in my glass. I could see how the rum and mango/passion fruit juice mixed together in a sweet temptation. I could smell that tropical getaway in a glass yesterday and I was scared.
How could a situation have gotten so out of hand that I was back to this?
Small things, that's how.
But you know what? Despite where I found myself, I knew what I had to do. I needed to take myself out of the situation.
Was it easy?
No.
Did I still try?
Yes.
And I'm glad I did, because within 24 hours, a solution was found. These coming weeks, I might still teeter on the edge, wanting to drink and get through it without having to put in the effort. But I can't do that.
I can't.
I need to process it, clear headed and with my own strength.
This is why it's important to speak up. Yes, it's terrifying. Maybe some would say a sign of weakness, admitting you need help.
But isn't it a sign of strength facing your fears and weaknesses head on?
The decision that was made wasn't just me, it was those I consider honored to know who helped me come to a solution. They asked me questions, they helped me craft my wording, supported me before I even knew I needed help standing tall.
It may have been my mental health that told me my crown was slipping, but it was my people who helped steady it.
#SaveOurToya
Immediately.
This was a sign that my mental health was standing on the edge of a mountain and looking at the trees below with the babbling brook and majestic waterfall in the distance.
Last night, I could almost taste my homemade rum punch and how it would dance with my taste buds to make my day better. I could hear the ice clinking in my glass. I could see how the rum and mango/passion fruit juice mixed together in a sweet temptation. I could smell that tropical getaway in a glass yesterday and I was scared.
How could a situation have gotten so out of hand that I was back to this?
Small things, that's how.
But you know what? Despite where I found myself, I knew what I had to do. I needed to take myself out of the situation.
Was it easy?
No.
Did I still try?
Yes.
And I'm glad I did, because within 24 hours, a solution was found. These coming weeks, I might still teeter on the edge, wanting to drink and get through it without having to put in the effort. But I can't do that.
I can't.
I need to process it, clear headed and with my own strength.
This is why it's important to speak up. Yes, it's terrifying. Maybe some would say a sign of weakness, admitting you need help.
But isn't it a sign of strength facing your fears and weaknesses head on?
The decision that was made wasn't just me, it was those I consider honored to know who helped me come to a solution. They asked me questions, they helped me craft my wording, supported me before I even knew I needed help standing tall.
It may have been my mental health that told me my crown was slipping, but it was my people who helped steady it.
#SaveOurToya
Thank you for sharing your story Toya. I can relate in a way to what you were conveying, because I was a functioning alcoholic, but just like you I didn't need it when I woke-up everyday, but did have a drink after work, on weekends, when I was overwhelmed, depressed and trying to escape my reality of all the bad and negative things going on. I still drink, but it's very limited to only a few times a month or like you stated on special occasions, but nothing like how I use to drink with my everyday Gin N OJ, Vodka Lemonades and flavored Rum and juice I was having everyday, To be honest one day I just stopped drinking as much to not really at all, because I felt I was getting tolerant to the point where a bottle or two wasn't effecting me and my hurt, pain and things I didn't want to think about didn't go away anymore and I felt even more depressed. Don't get me wrong for me personally if I'm having a really bad day I will have a drink or two, but not going through the whole bottle like I use to. I commend you on your strength, determination and I support you as you continue to make positive strides for yourself.
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