Just STOP

...Where to even fucking begin...

This job/workload isn't even a drop in what I'm able to take on. This job is easy for me. It is...sure, sometimes I'm at a loss for what to do, simply because the practices are different than what I did before. 

But still. 

A conversation with a Subject Matter Expert later, and I'm back on track.

I know my learning curve can't be the same for the others, and I always do my best to take that into consideration. Critical thinking is something my mother cultivated in me, and that's why HR stuff comes so easily to me. (As well as other things)

But sometimes, I can't be considerate. Sometimes, I really can't help but stare dumbfounded at people.

Not because they ask a dumb question. I can see that it comes from a place of curiosity and their own attempts at connecting things. Which is great. Work your mind how you can.

But when the behavior gets rude, then...then we have a problem. And my consideration goes out the proverbial window. 

Passive aggressive bullshit and microaggressions are distasteful, unprofessional, and childish.

We are grown fucking adults in roles where that shit has no business being in. Honestly, my kindergartners had more respect than some of the behavior I see in people here. And they had no idea how to interact with a foreigner! It's frankly, very disheartening that grown adults bring childhood rudeness into the workplace.

"I'm just saying..."

"It's not fair..."

"Well how was I supposed to..."

Newsflash, complaining isn't going to get you anything from me! You think I don't have the same problems? 

Stop expecting things to be handed to you. Stop expecting things to happen just because you demanded it. Stop with the bullshit childishness. Just STOP.

Take charge in your lack of information and make something of your ignorance. Learn about your resources and cross reference them! Because I can promise you, at the end of it all, you'll feel empowered and confident in yourself and the work product you push out.

In the past, I would say people would just be hurting themselves. But they're not. They need to take some fucking responsibility for their behaviors, because it's hurting those around them too.

Good lord!

Sometimes, I wish I wasn't so helpful or friendly. 

And I can't believe I just wrote that. I like who I am (on most days) at work, but lately it's as if my 'team player' attitude is condoning such shit behavior.

But still...I am polite. I am professional. I get the fucking job done. Because that's what is expected.

I didn't complain back when I had a full time job, part time job, grad school, and a relatively good social life.

I didn't complain back when I had to deal with Korean work politics (Everyone in America should be damn thankful they don't have to deal with that).

You don't see me complaining about this job and the unexpected demands that befall me every fucking day that puts my own training behind. I look at the positives, as much as I can. 

I really do.

But today, if I hear that whiny or demanding tone, don't expect to hear from me for the rest of the day. Because I have had it.

#SaveOurToya

I am not ok.

Do you know what it's like to wake up in the middle of the night, terrified for your life? All you can hear is your heart racing alongside the sounds of someone breaking into your house. All you see are the lights flashing outside your window. 

Do you know what it's like to fear that your life will end at 3:32 in the morning and thinking it's the police? 

And no matter how you yell at yourself to fucking move, your body refuses and continues to lay tangled up in your sheets?

I do.

This morning, I feared for my life and there wasn't anything I could do about it.

When I first left for Korea in the summer of 2018, I thought that by the time I returned to America, life would be better for Blacks. I hoped I wouldn't be so terrified to live here. 

But life did not get better, it got worse.

I don't even know where to start, but I know where it ends. If it's not in the grave, it's in continued fear.

As you all know, I do my best to be honest on SaveOurToya. It's not easy putting this out for the whole world to see. But I do it anyways. And in my struggle to be honest, I confess that I am so terrified that I have to psych myself up to leave my apartment these days.

I don't know if someone will see me walking to the grocery store and see me as a threat. I am terrified to go on a walk. 

This is what my life has become. A constant cycle of terror and fear. 

I hate this. 

I hate it so, so much.

I hate that because of a terrible storm this morning, I thought I someone was trying to kill me. 

I am not ok, and I don't know when I'll ever feel safe living here.

#SaveOurToya

*deep breath*

Y'all...I almost threw hands at work.

That is how angry I was. 

In an effort to stop myself from spitting venom and throwing hands, I had to mentally pull myself away from a burning rage.

Not even a full day back from vacation and the bullshit was back. I had hoped and truly believed that the time I took back at home had refueled my patience after a ROUGH semester.

Apparently, I was wrong.

As you know, last semester wasn't just rough. It really pushed me to my limits. There were times I felt raw and exposed, seconds away from sobbing at my desk. The disgusting sludge that came with racism, the helplessness as an unwanted bystander, and the irritation that comes with ghosting all played their roles in breaking me down. 

In all honesty, there were times I contemplated breaking my contract and going back home while wiping away my tears and figuring out how to deal with my frustrations. 

My vacation home was as much to see my parents as it was to take a break from all of this. I wanted to put myself back into a positive mental space and prove to myself that these next six months were going to be my best months in Korea.

Little did I know that day 1 of being back at work, I barely stopped myself from snapping.

And not just verbally. 

--*--*--

Okay...so here's what happened.

I'm talking to my co-teacher about next semester. My schedule was changing a little bit and I was expressing my concern about (yet again) putting such vastly different English levels in the same classroom. Will things change? Probably not. But I tried.

Our conversation then switched to another topic. Now...my co-teacher's English isn't the best. She's, in fact, the science teacher. Typically, your co-teacher would be the Korean English teacher; however, my small school only has me as an English teacher. I've adjusted and have become quite adept in understanding low-level English. 

My co-teacher was struggling to explain a legal change that is happening in my province and was lacking the sufficient vocabulary to get her point across. However, we were getting through it. 

But...it was during this conversation that a certain somebody decided to be rude as fuck. This same individual who I know is racist and I've done my best to ignore their presence, needed my co-teacher's attention. 

Since I face the staff room doors, I noticed when they walked in, calling for my co-teacher. Her head was down, focused on her phone. As my co-teacher decided to keep talking to me, I focused back on our conversation. 

Had that been it, I would've forgotten the whole situation.

But that wasn't it.

No.

This same somebody called for my co-teacher again, well aware the two of us were having a conversation. 

My co-teacher still kept speaking to me. At this point, I'm actually irritated. Do they not see my co-teacher is talking to me? Do they not see that it's not an easy conversation we're having? 

Do. They. Not. See?

Had that been it, I would've forgotten the whole situation after the weekend.

But that wasn't it.

No.

This same somebody continued to call for my co-teacher, walked over to us and started tapping her fingers on the desk cubicle. 

If I had looked away from my co-teacher, I don't know what would have happened, but I'm pretty sure whatever image my school has of me as 'Toya teacher' was going to be shattered.

Black women in America know what happens when we show our anger at work. We get labelled as 'aggressive', 'illogical', 'ignorant', 'hostile', etc. Never are we 'justified' or 'in the right'. Nope. We have to learn to keep our anger leashed if we want to be taken seriously.

If I had looked away from my co-teacher, it would've started with a 'do you fucking mind?' to...

It is now the following Monday. 

I took the weekend to calm down. There were some flare ups, but I've processed it.

I don't know what I'll do when the BS happens again, but there is one thing that I do know after everything that has happened.

As of today, I only have 23 weekends left of my contract and I don't need this mess to hold me down. 

Let's see what havoc I can unleash between now and my goodbyes.

#SaveOurToya

This Needs to Stop

RANT TIME.

Cuz what the fuck is this?!

I got so angry about this dumb situation that I had to call my mom to calm down.

Last week, I was told that I had no classes to teach on Monday. None. Nada. Nix. Zero.

So, like the sensible person I was, I went ahead and got started for my monster of a class load on Tuesday. I have 7 classes on Tuesdays. If I can take more time for lesson planning, that's fantastic!

-Monday-

Now...can someone please tell me why I was told this morning why I was told I was teaching forty minutes before the lesson. Oh, and it's only for 20 minutes.

Of course, I can totally throw something together for this, but here's the thing...

I didn't wanna.

Last week, something similar happened. I was told ten minutes into a lesson that the class was back on my schedule at it's normal time and not the time it was adjusted to for a field trip. Because the students took the trip earlier in the week.

Not that I was told.

Nope.

That time, I had a lesson prepped, as the class time was just moved to later in the day.

But this time. I had no lesson.

My brilliant students finished their textbook last week and are technically done with 6th grade English class.

Okay, so there I was, being told I have to teach a 20 minutes lesson and had 40 minutes to prep. I came up with something, and it required minimal teacher input. It was very student-centered in that they were leading the class and my job would only require to ask leading questions to guide the conversation.

Now, before I continue, I would like to say that my nerves were already testy. I only had 3 hours of sleep last night. And anyone who suffers from sleep deprivation knows how delicate your grasp on your emotions can be. If you're not god awful tired and at the point of giving 'no fucks', you're balancing on a delicate ledge that a puff of breath can and will push you off.

This impromptu change in my schedule had me struggling to find my balance, but in the end I found it.

I walk up to the classroom I'd be teaching in (science room), and guess...fucking...what....

No one...

...showed up...

...at fucking all. 

I had to message friends asking if my irritation was justified and it wasn't the sleep deprivation talking.

I had to call my mother to get myself back into a 'social' function that wouldn't have me snapping anyone's head off.

Last year, I didn't get to feel the 'Christmas spirit' because of nonsense like this. Now, with a year and a half under my belt, I'm not letting this shit break me.

It won't.

It...can't.

If it does, I don't think I'll be able to make it until July.

#SaveOurToya

There's a List

Strap yourselves in boys and girls and people. It's been a couple of weeks since I last posted and who knows what craziness I'm about to impart upon you today.

Best to get the big things out of the way, shall we?



Number 1 (and yes, we have a list.)

Who da fuck spilled coffee on my desk?

It sure as hell wasn't me. I don't drink the hot bean water. To be frank, it's not my cup of tea. (hehe...get it?)

So someone, who I don't know but am quite certain drinks coffee, was sitting at my desk and had a little "oopsie". Thankfully, nothing important got ruined. Just some of my scrap paper that I like to reuse cuz I'm all eco-friendly that way.

But still.

Someone spilled coffee and didn't have the nerve to tell me.

Strike(s): 1


Number 2

Why wasn't I told my class were cancelled?

I'm used to being told the morning of my classes if they were going to be cancelled. After a year of it happening randomly (for me, not so random for everyone else), you build up a casual acceptance of, 'ah...okay'. And if a class is cancelled, it's not the end of the world. You can just move your lesson plan to the next time you have that class. Even if you had a themed event that you really wanted to share with your students because of a holiday, and it really shouldn't be moved, but here we are? Yeah. I know how to roll with the punches, even then.

But when it comes to one of my students informing me the period right before the 'cancelled' class and my co-teacher saying nothing, I have some problems.

I go to confront said teacher, and she goes, 'oh right! Yes, but not really. Only 7th period. It's a chicken party that we knew of for the last two weeks. You will be teaching during 8th period.'

Guess who didn't teach 8th period either...

Strikes: 3 (they got 2 strikes, for the double cancellation)


Number 3

Yesterday, I learned of something worse than last minute class cancellations. Last minute class additions.

Y'all...let me tell you how I work.

Because I've found a self-love for myself during that fuck-up of a time from a few months ago, I no longer bring my work home. Almost everything is done between work hours. Per my contract, that's a total of 40 hours. 22 of those hours, I am teaching (if classes aren't cancelled), and the other 18 are left for lesson planning.

Now, my lesson planning is down to a fine art. I don't prep a week in advance. I wish I could, but I don't. I lesson plan within 24-48 hours before the class.

Why?

Because I want to have taught the class beforehand to understand what needs to be worked on in the next class. Or hey, maybe we didn't get as far as I hoped to and can be less stressed as I ctrl+c and ctrl+v for a hot second.

Or in much, much simpler terms.

If my class is on Wednesday, I start planning on Monday and finialize by the end of my last free period on Tuesday.

Apparently, the teachers in my school thought, 'oh Toya's more than prepared. She always is. Let's just shift 2 classes forward, so now she's teaching 4 class this morning, and she should've already have been in her first class ten minutes ago. She's got this.'

To say I didn't have a mini-freak out and questioned my life choices would be a dirty, dirty lie.

I showed up, 15 mins late to my first (SURPRISE) class. Instead of giving them a proper lesson, we got to watch the wholesome movie Klaus on Netflix. Happy Holidays, y'all.

My other surprise class, I couldn't prepare for either but I showed up on time (small win!). I was still teaching my normal class schedule and those classes sat between my first surprise class and my second surprise class. Aka, no free time. They got to finish watching their semester movie and start watching Home Alone. "Merry Christmas, you filthy animals."

Strikes: 6


Number 4

Since my Wednesday schedule was thrown out of wack, for the last 5 hours, I have been finalizing 4 separate exams that my students will be taking in two weeks. You know, instead of spreading it over two days, alongside lesson planning for the next day, it got all packed into today.

I knew, at some point, that switch inside of me flipped. You know the one.

The fuck it switch.

Grade 3 and 4, sure as hell better be thankful, because Grade 5 and 6, that test is playing hardball. It's the type of test written by those teachers you hear about throughout your entire academic career. The teacher who "won't take your shit, so be sure to do it right the first time".

I meet with my coteacher tomorrow to discuss the exams. Unless there's an error, I'm not feeling to kind to making changes.

That may make me a bad teacher, but the hand-holding needed to stop at some point.  Why not for a competition test that these kids should have been preparing themselves for for the last three months?

Strikes: 10


Number 5

Now, let's rewind to Monday. It's only the second day of December. I was feeling pretty good. No mystery coffee, no cancelled class, no added classes, and no test finalizing.

My classes for the day were prepped on Friday and I had the drafts finished for the big tests done too. My weekend was solid (for once in a really, really, really long time) and I haven't had to deal with any racist bullshit.

The only thing I had to really be concerned about was my Korean test the following evening.

Then my co-teacher showed up and was asking for the Winter Camp lesson plans (that were never requested for until just now).

Which were not done. I had a stickie note of a rough outline, but nothing to be submitted.

So, I asked when she would like it.

Joker had the thought to have them due today. As in, the day the four big exams were due.

I think something in me knew. It just knew, "Don't you fucking agree, La Toya."

I didn't. I asked for it to be due the following week.

Thankfully, she agreed.

Unfortunately, I didn't get the form.

Strikes: 11


Number 6

It's fucking cold.

These days, I'm up to 4 layers when I leave my apartment. It's so cold, my eyes start crying without me even realizing. (It could be from the rage, but I'm like 99% certain it's the cold.)

Strikes: 15 (one strike for every layer)


Real Talk

Despite all these frustrating, mentally exhausting, when is my vacation, headache-inducing stress, some good things are happening too.

This year, I'm feeling the Christmas spirit. I feel unconditionally happy. I've gone to see Christmas lights and I'm even getting egg nog this year! I signed up to be a Santa Shopper for Samsungwon and doing a Secret Santa thing with my friends. (Which is wild, cuz I suck at shopping for people.) I'm also feeling all, 'let's share the Christmas joy' and want to bake Christmas cookies for my school and share my egg nog with them.

My Korean studies are moving along nicely. I have my big cumulative exam next week, and I'm not even nervous for it. I've made some good friends in that class. It's made the whole trip to Daegu every week more worthwhile. Though, after this test, I am switching back to self-study. I have come to realize that I'm actually pretty good at the self study bit, I just need to be more active in using what I learned. Cuz, yes, I can do it.

I've rekindled my passion for writing. I fully acknowledge that I want to write a book. Badly. No clue who would read it, beside my mom...s. (Yes, I recognize that I have more than one mom.) The funny thing is, what broken my writing hiatus that I've had since 2012 was the fact that I played the Sims4. The game has allowed me to visualize my stories, allowed me to play out various scenes, and when my Sims were on their own, give me plot twists that even leave me astonished.

I love myself. I'm not trying to sound self-absorbed, but I love myself. I really, really do. Finally, the relationship I've had with myself is turning for the better. I can finally see it. I'm pretty fucking amazing. I'm not sure when it all just...snapped into place. Maybe it was me acknowledging my real limits, a Christmas miracle, or I leveled up while I was sleeping, but it's beautiful.

I saw Frozen 2. I'm not going to talk about the songs, or the artwork, or the transformative "qualities" of the movie. What I am going to talk about is that for a solid minute or two, I was in literal body shaking, tears falling, hand slapping, mouth covering hysterics all because of a single snowman who likes warm hugs.

After this month, I have 7-ish months left until I leave Korea. It's a bittersweet thought. I've made a life here. My kids drive me up the wall, but I adore them as well.

And who knows...maybe...I'm just done with teaching in 7-ish months.

#SaveOurToya