Know Your Limits

Wildberry Smoothie with Pearls~

If it's one thing this picture doesn't show, it's that quite recently I made a decision for my mental health. And no, it wasn't buying the drink. 

Not completely, anyways.

I rarely talk about this, but a few years ago I was on the road to becoming a functioning alcoholic. I never reached a point that the first thing I drank was alcohol and ended my day on alcohol, but I was definitely falling into the category of becoming reliant on it when I got overwhelmed.

And a few years ago, I had a lot and nothing going on that it was quite common to see rum or tequila filling up one of my glasses. I even had moonshine in the house, at some point. Naturally, if I'm gonna be an alcoholic I'm gonna do it right.

But here's the thing, I caught myself and forced my way out of the bad habits I was developing. I went sober for a long time after that. It wasn't easy, but I managed it. 

These days, I still don't drink. I may partake in something small with a friend or on special occasions. My main rule, never drink when I'm upset, overwhelmed, feeling negative in any way.

Yesterday, I wanted a drink so bad because of a situation I found myself, I realized that something needed to change in my life.

Immediately.

This was a sign that my mental health was standing on the edge of a mountain and looking at the trees below with the babbling brook and majestic waterfall in the distance.

Last night, I could almost taste my homemade rum punch and how it would dance with my taste buds to make my day better. I could hear the ice clinking in my glass. I could see how the rum and mango/passion fruit juice mixed together in a sweet temptation. I could smell that tropical getaway in a glass yesterday and I was scared.

How could a situation have gotten so out of hand that I was back to this?

Small things, that's how.

But you know what? Despite where I found myself, I knew what I had to do. I needed to take myself out of the situation.

Was it easy?

No.

Did I still try?

Yes.

And I'm glad I did, because within 24 hours, a solution was found. These coming weeks, I might still teeter on the edge, wanting to drink and get through it without having to put in the effort. But I can't do that.

I can't.

I need to process it, clear headed and with my own strength.

This is why it's important to speak up. Yes, it's terrifying. Maybe some would say a sign of weakness, admitting you need help.

But isn't it a sign of strength facing your fears and weaknesses head on?

The decision that was made wasn't just me, it was those I consider honored to know who helped me come to a solution. They asked me questions, they helped me craft my wording, supported me before I even knew I needed help standing tall.

It may have been my mental health that told me my crown was slipping, but it was my people who helped steady it.

#SaveOurToya

I am not ok.

Do you know what it's like to wake up in the middle of the night, terrified for your life? All you can hear is your heart racing alongside the sounds of someone breaking into your house. All you see are the lights flashing outside your window. 

Do you know what it's like to fear that your life will end at 3:32 in the morning and thinking it's the police? 

And no matter how you yell at yourself to fucking move, your body refuses and continues to lay tangled up in your sheets?

I do.

This morning, I feared for my life and there wasn't anything I could do about it.

When I first left for Korea in the summer of 2018, I thought that by the time I returned to America, life would be better for Blacks. I hoped I wouldn't be so terrified to live here. 

But life did not get better, it got worse.

I don't even know where to start, but I know where it ends. If it's not in the grave, it's in continued fear.

As you all know, I do my best to be honest on SaveOurToya. It's not easy putting this out for the whole world to see. But I do it anyways. And in my struggle to be honest, I confess that I am so terrified that I have to psych myself up to leave my apartment these days.

I don't know if someone will see me walking to the grocery store and see me as a threat. I am terrified to go on a walk. 

This is what my life has become. A constant cycle of terror and fear. 

I hate this. 

I hate it so, so much.

I hate that because of a terrible storm this morning, I thought I someone was trying to kill me. 

I am not ok, and I don't know when I'll ever feel safe living here.

#SaveOurToya

Train Naps

All I wanted to do was nap.

Hey everyone, I'm going to be very candid here, and let you know this may be a triggering piece. If the topic of sexual harassment/assault and/or non-consensual makes you uncomfortable, than this post is not for you.

That being said...I want to follow up with, "I'm okay". I went back and forth on whether I should post this, but then I remembered the reasons I started this blog. And one of those reasons was honesty.

-----------------------

I had a late night on Friday. I had a fabulous dinner at a bulgogi "tent" with a friend in Daegu, followed by a cute cafe. As in, I'm pretty sure I found my favorite cafe in Daegu. It gave me a wholesome feeling and that's what mattered most.

This week had not been kind to me. :(

So, from cafe to hostel, I wasn't asleep until just before midnight. When I went to sleep, I was excited for Saturday. I was going to catch a train to Seoul, do some shopping, German restaurant (!), and see some friends for a five hour meeting (more excited for the friends than the five hour meeting). My Saturday was planned with the precision of a daughter raised by a German mother.

The second I sat on my train at 4:30am, I was ready to nap the whole ride. Seeing as I barely had three hours of sleep.

Clearly,  a nap sounds lovely, doesn't it?

And yet...someone had to ruin it.

Sitting in my window seat, with my large winter coat covering me, listening to my audiobook, eyes closed. I was relaxed and enjoying myself. It was so peaceful that I was about to turn off my audiobook and fall asleep.

I did not give it a second thought. My last few train rides were very chill and relaxed.

I registered that someone had sat down next to me, but that happens. You don't get to pick your seats, the system does. I shifted over a little since I figured the person was a little bigger than me, what with our arms and legs touching.

So, I shift.

But then I felt an arm resting on my side, and a leg pressing against my own...again.

So, I shift over...again.

Then I felt it all over...again.

Which is when I realized, this person is purposely being overly touchy. They're leaning on me, pressing against me, touching me...on purpose.

I hated it. I did not want it. I wanted to shove them away from me. Off of me. But I couldn't find it in me, and that made my frustration build.

In a single moment, this person turned me into an object. An object that they thought they had the right to touch. To invade.

I was uncomfortable...angry...disappointed...scared.

I was floundering about, trying to find a way to get out of the situation I found myself in. What do you do in a situation like this? Do I shout? Do I push him away? And if I do, what then? What will happen next? Will I be able to defend myself, or will he say its just the talk of a delusional foreigner trying to ruin his reputation? And with my limited Korean, will I properly be able to defend myself?

All these thoughts kept flashing through my head along with just how confident this person was going to be in a public space.

It was a few short minutes, but for me...it felt hours long. I felt trapped in my window seat, with this silencing invader hovering around me, taking away my voice. A voice I fought to have. Continue to fight to have. And yet...at that moment, I couldn't have a voice. It was robbed from me.

I became the object this person thought I was.

At some point, I found something inside of me. Perhaps it was a reminder of who I am or a hidden strength that has belied my actions for years that couldn't stay silent. I don't know what it was, but I'm so thankful for it. Because at that moment, I finally sat up and looked my attacker in the eye.

At this point, he'd already begun touching my thigh with his own hand, still pushed fully against my side.

And just like that, everything changed.

His leg was no longer pressed against mine. His fingers were no longer touching my thigh. His arm was no longer resting on me as if I was the arm rest. An object.

This whole experience was a reminder that while Korea has given me a safer sense of security than the states, there is still dangers. Dangers that can come at you when you're sleeping. Dangers that can take your voice that you continue to fight for.

This was not my first assault, but it was my first one in Korea. And while I hoped that it would never happen, it has. And I know it won't be the last time. My own autonomy is constantly in question, simply because I'm a woman. I'm not even factoring in all my other identities that take my autonomy further away from me.

Sometimes, life isn't easy and right now, I'm struggling with one of those moments. While I could put all my energy into wishing it never happened, it did.

It happened.

#SaveOurToya

If you or someone you know is ever put in a situation that is no bueno, and you need to talk to someone, please check out the information below. Everyone has different ways with coping and moving past a situation, so this is by no means me telling you what to do. I only want you to have all the resources possible.

Migrant Women's Hotline (365 days/years, English and 7 other languages): 02-1577-1366 or outside Seoul, local area code + 1577-1366.

Seoul Call Center: 120 (02-1220 cell phone/outside Seoul) then press '9' for foreign languages

And evidently 112 and 119 sometimes have English options depending on region and shift but they both automatically trace your phone when you do call.

Asia Emergency Association: 790-7561
Which is a bit more roundabout but might be easier if you need a guaranteed English speaker

Permanency

Trigger warning: gun violence at school

Despite my trigger warning, I want it to be said, there was no actual gun violence at my school. No shooting. No injuries. The students and teachers are all okay.

Me?

...not so much.

Y'all, I don't know why this week has been so shitastic, but it's been crazy hard this week. From bad-mood inducing news from my host parents to being bad-touched on a train to a small panic attack during third period on a Thursday.

I would like nothing more than to tell you about a good day, a good moment, or a happy feeling, but frankly...this week has been battling me every step of the way.

As many of you know, I'm half-American. I was raised and educated in the USA, thus my perspective has a multitude of American influences on them.

And today....today, I learned a valuable lesson that I never gave much focus to before.

When walking to my second class today, I noticed that my kids were a little bit more rowdy than usual. It's been a wild week for them to, but in a happier way thankfully, so I left it at that. I'm glad they were having a good week, even if it meant I had to deal with crazy students. At least they were being a good kind of crazy. I was about to walk into the 5th grade classroom, when I noticed something black in the front of the classroom.

I'm so thankful for my observation skills.

So fucking thankful.

Because what I saw was what looked like a fake semiautomatic gun.

I want it also to be said, I was already aware that Korea has a very strict gun policy.

And it was these two things that kept me from being too triggered at the situation I was about to find myself.

When one of my sweetest kids held the gun up, pointed it directly at my chest, and told me I was under arrest, it took a lot for me to not let my fear show. I don't know if my students noticed that for a second, I felt the color drain from my face. I felt my heart pick up speed. I felt my legs about to give out. I felt my lungs about to spaz out.

And this was me reacting to what I knew was a fake gun.

These children do not know what it's like to be black in America. They don't know what it's like to hear about shootings.

They just don't know.

Which was what helped me keep it together.

I kept telling myself over and over, 'they don't know'  as I tried to teach them about phone call etiquette and not looking at the spot where the "gun" was placed. It was probably one of the hardest classes I had to push through thus far.

I know that moments like these are great moments to educate someone. And while I would've loved for them to know and realize what their actions can produce in someone, what I just went through, I was also aware that my head-space wasn't in the right place for it.

How can I tell my precious students that the police scare me? That guns scare me? That people who look like me struggle simply because of our skin color? That school shootings are a fact of life and not a game, back home?

How can I talk about a topic that gives me a panic attack?

Look, I know I've been complaining about the cold (who knew I'd miss central heating), but if it's one thing I'm thankful for during this cold time its the snow. Looking outside the windows at the gently falling snow has been my one of my main solaces during this time of emotional upheaval.

It allows me to focus my thoughts and calm my overworked heart.

I mentioned in my last post about gun violence (The Aftereffects), that I'm working through my feelings. I figured out just what those feelings are; after today's reaction, it was pretty easy to figure out.

I'm afraid of guns.

I'm afraid of how permanent they are. I mean...with a single twitch, I can lose someone dear to me, my loved ones could lose me. (Good lord that sounds selfishly Toya-centered!) So many beautiful souls have been lost to us already, and as it stands, there's no stopping the shooting back home. As of today, there have been roughly 329 shootings in 2018.

We always think...'that wouldn't happen to me', or 'that doesn't happen around here', but guys. You never really know.

#SaveOurToya

The Aftereffects

Trigger Warning: mass shootings, feelings being validated, emotional rambling on triggering topic
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nose clogging.

Throat throbbing.

Eyes watering.

Head aching.

And yet, its the latest news about a mass shooting in a California bar that is making it hard for me to breath. Guys, I don't know where this naive thought came from, but for whatever reason, I thought that once I came to Korea, I'd stop hearing about shootings.

No more heart stopping news.

No more breath quickening to painful levels.

No more.

Joke's on me, I guess.

I'm recovering from a fever right now, not having the most comfortable of week, and it pales in comparison to how I feel.

I am well aware that the topic of mass shootings is a sensitive topic for me. The fact that a fellow Fulbrighter had asked how to broach the topic of mass shootings in America for their Korean students had me tensing, sweating, and breath quickening. It was hint enough that this was a topic that triggered me.

And here's what I recognize.

This is something I need to work through, but I'm not ready to talk nor do I know where to begin. Do I start with the school drills I learned in school for whenever there was a shooter on campus? Or do I start with the attempted mass shooting at my university during my undergrad days? Or the false alarm during grad school? What about Pulse? Parkland?

I keep having to stop typing. My fingers keep stalling.

During the recovery in Orlando after Pulse, I heard from various sources that it's okay to feel what you feel. That your feelings are valid.

That my feelings are valid.

But...maybe its because I'm not surrounded by the community that knew what it was like, or because I've been lulled into a bubble of safety since moving here, but its been getting harder to stay steady whenever I hear about a shooting.

Of all the things to have to prepare myself for with my move, finding support for moments like these was not something I thought I had to do.

I'm working through these emotions, I am.

But it's not easy....hell, writing this post was not easy. I mentioned that I had to stop typing many times. My fingers were literally tensing and causing me to hit the wrong keys. It doesn't help that my thoughts are all over the place and stringing one thought together was so hard.

Partly because of the fever, but mostly because of this topic.

This post was/is more for me than it was for you, I admit. An attempt at putting it all down. Granted, I'm doing better now than I did when I first started this post.

If only it were that easy to move past this.

#SaveOurToya

화이팅 (in More Ways than One)

Many of you have reached out to me, sharing your love and positivity during a time I wasn't able to do the same for myself. That is why this post is for you.

To you, who made me smile when I couldn't muster one up myself.

To you, who reminded me that I'm not alone.

To you, who talked me through my thoughts.

To you, who stood beside me.

To you, who listened.

To you, who cared.

To you...

I give you my thanks, my appreciation, and my affection. I know that many of you have your own problems that you're working through. And they are by no means less than someone else's. So, the fact that you took time to reach out means more to me than I can ever express. Know that if you need a willing ear or just someone to talk to, I am here for you.

Without hesitation.

#SaveOurToya

Day 1 at my Homestay

My first morning here was very nerve-wracking. I was a bit sick to my stomach really.

I had taken a bite of my bread with jam, thinking how different such a familiar thing tasted and suddenly, it was getting really hard to chew.

I really don't know how I did it. And when I swallowed it, it felt like a rock going down. I had to put my bread down and take a sip from my drink. I was so relieved when it went down without an issue.

I had to take a bite, sip at my drink, back and forth for a good ten minutes.

It was the worst wave of homesickness I ever got while being in Korea. I hadn't realized that my cohort had kept so much of the unfamiliar at bay while we were together. Sure, we were kind of isolated in Songdo, but still. Everything around us was very Korean.

During breakfast, I thought I would be struggling with this uncomfortable-ness for the rest of the day, but I didn't.

My Homestay fam took me out and we relaxed in a remote location where I was surrounded by nature and fresh air (featured in my week 7 post!). I didn't even have my phone with me (just my camera!). I don't think I'll ever be able to tell them how thankful I was that they let me join them on their outing.

I really needed it.

It's Day 2 right now, and as it stands...I'm a lot more calm...and confident in my actions and motions.

I know it'll come back...but for now. I will just enjoy the calmness.

#SaveOurToya

I'm Scared...

You ever get to the point where everything is going well, and then a small thing pops up that can spiral into a well of despair?

Yeah...that's currently where I'm at.

I'm trying to rationalize it and keep my mind on the goal, but what if it doesn't work out? And it's that 'what if' that's freaking me out.

Ugh.

Just keep me in good thoughts while I take May to figure myself out and put out fires.

#SaveOurToya