Just STOP

...Where to even fucking begin...

This job/workload isn't even a drop in what I'm able to take on. This job is easy for me. It is...sure, sometimes I'm at a loss for what to do, simply because the practices are different than what I did before. 

But still. 

A conversation with a Subject Matter Expert later, and I'm back on track.

I know my learning curve can't be the same for the others, and I always do my best to take that into consideration. Critical thinking is something my mother cultivated in me, and that's why HR stuff comes so easily to me. (As well as other things)

But sometimes, I can't be considerate. Sometimes, I really can't help but stare dumbfounded at people.

Not because they ask a dumb question. I can see that it comes from a place of curiosity and their own attempts at connecting things. Which is great. Work your mind how you can.

But when the behavior gets rude, then...then we have a problem. And my consideration goes out the proverbial window. 

Passive aggressive bullshit and microaggressions are distasteful, unprofessional, and childish.

We are grown fucking adults in roles where that shit has no business being in. Honestly, my kindergartners had more respect than some of the behavior I see in people here. And they had no idea how to interact with a foreigner! It's frankly, very disheartening that grown adults bring childhood rudeness into the workplace.

"I'm just saying..."

"It's not fair..."

"Well how was I supposed to..."

Newsflash, complaining isn't going to get you anything from me! You think I don't have the same problems? 

Stop expecting things to be handed to you. Stop expecting things to happen just because you demanded it. Stop with the bullshit childishness. Just STOP.

Take charge in your lack of information and make something of your ignorance. Learn about your resources and cross reference them! Because I can promise you, at the end of it all, you'll feel empowered and confident in yourself and the work product you push out.

In the past, I would say people would just be hurting themselves. But they're not. They need to take some fucking responsibility for their behaviors, because it's hurting those around them too.

Good lord!

Sometimes, I wish I wasn't so helpful or friendly. 

And I can't believe I just wrote that. I like who I am (on most days) at work, but lately it's as if my 'team player' attitude is condoning such shit behavior.

But still...I am polite. I am professional. I get the fucking job done. Because that's what is expected.

I didn't complain back when I had a full time job, part time job, grad school, and a relatively good social life.

I didn't complain back when I had to deal with Korean work politics (Everyone in America should be damn thankful they don't have to deal with that).

You don't see me complaining about this job and the unexpected demands that befall me every fucking day that puts my own training behind. I look at the positives, as much as I can. 

I really do.

But today, if I hear that whiny or demanding tone, don't expect to hear from me for the rest of the day. Because I have had it.

#SaveOurToya

It Goes With Saying

During a discussion about what to get for my school while on a business trip to Taiwan, I accidentally read my friend's message wrong.

What the message said: Yeah, that should be enough.

What I read: You should be enough.

For a hot minute I felt a profound sense of happiness overcome me to the point I almost started blushing in happiness. However, my brain quickly corrected that interpretation.

Silly me, for reading that wrong.

When I told my friend what happened, they told me 'that goes without saying'.

Between calculating how much money I would need to exchange and whether I was an idiot for leaving my American credit card at home, I began to think if phrases like 'you should be enough' truly do go without saying? Could it be that this unspoken norm has damaged society over the years?

Has it damaged me?

I mean, let's think about it.

In its most simplest form, hearing good things about you isn't a bad thing. I would say it's a good thing. For a few seconds there, I felt good about myself. But then, that part of me that doesn't believe in myself, automatically reread my friend's statement and I realized I read wrong. I wasn't being complimented. The amount of money I wanted to exchange was being complimented.

-sigh-

I don't want to weigh my self-worth on the amount of compliments I've received, because it isn't about what other's see in me. It's about what I see in me, but when I'm not sure what it is I should be seeing, a second opinion never hurts.

Until it does.

Being in Korea, I've had my weight made fun of. My skin color has been labelled as dirty. My hair characterized as wild.

The only compliments I've received were in the area of my acne clearing up and my voice sounding like a movie star.

Whereas in the states, I was praised on my work ethic and ability to be empathetic. It's no surprise that I consider these two qualities as my strongest? In fact, I went and got a Master's Degree where I could combine them as a career option for myself.

My quick thinking and adaptability made me competent on the soccer field. My coach and other teammates told me that they liked how I played. After nine years, I'm not the last pick when I play a soccer pick-up game. In fact, my mother told me that had I had the heart in the sport, I probably would be on a professional team. And if I was on a professional team, you know damn well that I would go for a national team.

Just saying.

Would I have gone down a different path had I been complimented in other areas? If my passion would've been stoked more toward soccer or if I had been told my math skills were fantastic as well, instead of teaching English, I could be a professional soccer player who does research within the areas of sociological diligence.

Unfortunately, the past cannot be changed.

What I do have control over is my present and my future.

I have begun complimenting myself when I come across situations that make me uneasy or my anxiety holds me hostage. And good lord are those compliments hard to say, but that's when I need to hear them the most.

I can't rely on someone else to praise me. I need to believe more in myself anyway.

Remember when I mentioned I was going to Taiwan for a workshop? Here are some truths that I've been trying to overcome these last two months in preparation for Taiwan.

1. Many times I wanted to decline going. I do not think I will make a good impression due to all my nerves. I'm making things burdensome for my school.

2. Many times I felt financially unbalanced. In my goal to save money this year, I've been hit with a few purchases in the last month that has left me not meeting my target goals. And while I'm not paying for a majority of this trip, I still worry that I'll spend more money than I need too.

3. Many times I had to remind myself to be social while in Taiwan. I wouldn't say that I am at hermit levels of being social, I still tend to shy away from large crowds or being social at a normal level. I've been working hard on this, but I still have my backslides. I didn't want one to happen while in Taiwan.

4. Many times I needed to tell myself that I earned this opportunity. And while I'm not sure what part of my Fulbright profile made me qualify for this opportunity, something stood out to the Commission. I just only wish I knew what it was.

It was during these many times that I would tell myself a compliment.

1. I am smart.

2. I am strong.

3. I am amazing.

4. I am worthy.

Each time, it got easier to get through the negative. My voice got firmer.

It goes without saying?

No. It goes with saying.

#SaveOurToya

Saturdays

I can still remember a time when Saturdays were about lazy wake-ups, family breakfast, and catching my favorite Saturday morning cartoons. There had even been the odd day where I could slip back into bed and catch a few more minutes of sleep before I would be reprimanded into Saturday Cleaning Day fun.

Unfortunately, those Saturdays no longer exist for me. I can't remember when things started to change, or if it's even finished changing. What I do know is that on this sleepless Saturday morning, while walking to my Korean lesson, I made a realization on a matter I've been avoiding since elementary school. At some point during those formative years, I had begun lying to myself. One of the best well-kept known secrets.

This wake up call came while I was in the process of walking by a group of men this morning and did not feel threatened. Now, I cannot speak for all women (cis or trans), but many of us share an unwanted understanding. This awareness that we share is that a group of men does not equal safe. It doesn't matter if we are with friends or walking on the opposite side of the street. Too often have we heard of our sisters being targeted simply for trying to exist.

Rape culture is alive and thriving in this man's world where women are seen more as a way to improve a reputation than a person.

Another human-being.

So yeah. We understand each other's fear.

But this morning, as I walked by this group of men, that fear could not be found. It wasn't because I suddenly felt a sense of womanly empowerment. Or the fact that Korea has felt safer to me than a time in the states. No, fear was no where to be found.

What I felt instead was my anxiety questioning if any of them found me even remotely worth looking at outside of my clearly foreign features. If I was even remotely worth attacking.

Let me say that again.

If I was even remotely worth attacking.

The wave of anger and disappointment that overcame me when I registered what I had just thought was so heavy, I had to sit down. I slipped into the nearest cafe and found a seat. I could ask myself if I lost my damn mind as many times as I wanted, but I wouldn't have been able to answer.

Because there it was.

The secret that has always been there, but I've managed to avoid in an almost comical routine as I pushed through the day. I finally confronted my unspoken secret on the second floor of an Ediya cafe, two hours before my Korean lesson on a Saturday morning.

My lack of self-esteem, my self-worth...they were no longer a secret.

I don't know how this may change me, now that I'm acknowledging what I lack. Maybe I'll find that empowerment or perhaps my self-esteem will get at least a little boost?

Who really knows?

#SaveOurToya

I don't like being tricked

Today, I found myself silenced again.

But instead of some creep trying to assault me, my host family, with all their good intentions, completely disregarded my wishes.

My voice.

This time, I didn't stay quiet.

I've been fighting off a cold/flu thing this last week. And all week, my host family has been urging me to go to the hospital, to which I have politely declined.

"No, I'm good."

"No, thank you."

"No."

I don't think I could have been any clearer in my wishes of not going to the hospital. And yet...I found myself at a hospital this afternoon (12/31), politely rejecting my host mom from making me an appointment.

Fam, they got me all the way to the hospital before I figured out that the appointment wasn't just for host mom, but also me.

It took longer than it should have for host mom to understand that I was not seeing a doctor, no matter how nice she was trying to make it sound.

"Oh, he's really good for a cough."

"Do it for the experience."

"Host dad is worried."

I don't give a damn about a doctor's credentials. I do not want the experience. And I won't be guilt tripped into making a decision I've said I did not want to do. You took my choice away from me. You disregarded my voice on the matter. And you fucking tricked me.

I don't know how often I've told them that I don't go to the hospital for a cold. It's not a matter of pride or having sub-par health insurance, but a matter of cultural differences. For me, a cold means sleeping it off. Not a trip to a hospital.

A cough means I just got over a cold and I'm working on expelling the mucus. Not a trip to a hospital.

I don't know if I've expressed it well enough, but the shit they just pulled?

It was a slap in the face.

I've been told by others that they mean well. Meaning-well is one thing, for which I have nothing against. But disregarding what I've been saying because you think you know better than me, is a completely different story.

See, here's what I seriously don't get. I've mentioned this before, but it bears mentioning again. Why is it, we get all this training about respecting the culture here, but schools and homestays don't get taught to respect our culture? Our thoughts and opinions? Because at the moment, the way I see it, because we're being polite and respectful, we've built this persona that is more or less disregarded by our peers around us. Because they think they know better.

And fine, this is their country. They do know better on how their country works. I can admit I don't get how things work in Korea, and I'm constantly learning new things.

But when it gets to a point where I'm walking out of a hospital pissed, because the people who are supposed to be my "family" have disregarded my wishes, then there's a problem here.

You know what, even when I was completely pissed and extremely tempted to just walk out of the hospital, I still tried my hardest to be respectful and make sure my host mom saved face. Hell, I'm pretty sure I kept that stilted, but polite smile on my face the whole time.

Right now, I honestly don't know how much longer I can stay in a homestay. There are good moments, one's I don't write about, but they exist. They make staying here, a lot of fun. But then things like this happen and it reminds me all over again why I want to have my own place.

#SaveOurToya

Crying At Work

That's right. I was crying at work today.

They weren't sad tears, but relieved ones. 

I think...

After the week from hell, I had another case of students using rude language in the classroom. Do you know what it's like to hear a student say, "what the fuck?" after you give them an assignment? A student who, four years ago was in kindergarten? 

And it's not just one student. It's many students. Who say it at different times, on different days.

I'm well aware that they're kids, who don't have a true understanding of what they're saying...but...come on. 

I've stopped class mid-session and called them out on it.

I've said sternly, many times, "No. We do not say that."

I've even kicked two kids out of my classroom, and spoke to them one-on-one. 

For four months, of constantly telling them to stop, that it makes me sad, that its not nice, I'm finally brought to tears. 

But not because they cursed me out. That, while hurtful, isn't something that could bring me to tears. They're a couple of decades to early for that. 

No, I was brought to tears because of the apology I just received. 

My fourth grade class, the hellion-class, the ones who have tried me every day, just all said their apologies to me in various states of devastation. It came to my attention that the class was made aware of how I felt when they spoke rudely to me, around me, against me. 

And in return, they asked me to meet them in the science classroom, so they could apologize.

Y'all, I don't even care that they said it in Korean (mostly) and that one of the teachers translated for me. I don't even care that they made me ugly cry in front of them. 

All I know and feel, is that my heart isn't as heavy anymore. After their individual apologies, I had a teacher translate my teary response.

Here's what I told them...more or less...

"I am so happy that you've all apologized. I don't think you understand how much it hurts my heart when you speak rudely. I am so far from home, and I want that we have fun together. I want to make good memories with all of you. My heart is much lighter now. Thank you."

Then I gave them all hugs, because hugs make everything better. It didn't matter that I was ugly crying...some of them were ugly crying...no, that's not what mattered. 

What mattered was that we were moving passed this tough time together. That they understood my feelings and I understood their's. 

That is why I don't think I can classify my tears as tears of relief. It wasn't relief that I was feeling...not exactly. I was feeling an overwhelming sense of connection. I felt that finally, we connected. That we understood each other. 

And now for the rest of the day, I have such a delicate balance on my emotions. I can feel myself sometimes tipping over towards, 'gurl, you abou'ta cry', and have to jolt myself back to a steady spot before I ugly cry in the 교무실 and we don't need that. 

No one needs that.

Well, I probably do. But I can cry at home when I have my hot chocolate with some marshmallows that apparently Daiso sells. 

#SaveOurToya

Baker's Table - A Restaurant Review...sorta

One of the goals I made for myself this grant year was to find a German restaurant in South Korea. While I know how to make most German dishes that I crave from time to time, sometimes I just want someone else to cook. That's right, I admit it. I like being lazy.

Big shocker.

A couple of weeks ago, I found a place called Baker's Table. It had a pretty intensive menu that put a smile on my face and a dinner date in my planner. 

Finally the day came. I was so excited! I found some time before my meeting to scope out where the place would be, so I could head straight there after my meeting and make the most of it before catching my bus.

I don't think I can convey just how much I needed this to be a good moment for me.

No, not good.

It needed to be wonderful, exciting...brilliant.

When I finally stepped foot into the place, I...was kinda disappointed. 

In a single glance around the place, I noticed it was packed to the point of being uncomfortable. Which meant, there would be a long wait.

Really long.

I would miss my bus, long.

You know, big picture here...with the week that I had, I wasn't too surprised that this wasn't working out for me either. Disappointed, but not surprised.

Instead of focusing on the crippling disappointment and crying in a room full of strangers, I decided to grab some stuff from their bakery and then take off. It'll give me the chance to pop into a clothing store I've been eyeing (OKBT) before heading to the Nambu Bus Terminal.

Sometimes, I'm really thankful that my brain can make rational decisions while the rest of me is trying to figure out which way was up. 

I'll have to try again another day, but...at least their baked goods were rather delicious. Which I had to wait about ten minutes to get together. 

Here are some pictures of the bakery:

#SaveOurToya

Curious about the week I had? I recommend reading the following posts: Lost, Permanency, and Train Naps. They all happened within a week's time marks one of the roughest weeks I've had in 2018.

Lost

Just when I thought things were going right. That I was happy...

Host mom just dropped some news on me that has left me upset.

Ho ho ho, Merry Christmas to me.

Now, it's been some time since I last posted, and that's due to not feeling the season. This time of year is pretty special to many people, no matter what they celebrate and hold dear to them. For me, this is a time of family, good cheer, Hallmark movies, egg nog, and hot cocoa.

And I've been trying very hard to get into the spirit of the holidays, but it hadn't been working until this morning when I was sitting in a Starbucks. I could smell the coffee brewing, listening to Sam Smith's version of Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas, surrounded by Christmas decoration, and having a laugh with good friends. That was when I felt it. That spark of warmth.

I felt genuinely happy this morning.

Little did I know that eight hours later, I would hear some news that...well, I'm pretty sure that feeling I had was extinguished.

I've lost it...the feeling of home.

#SaveOurToya

WILD

Y'all, last night was WILD.

Remember how I was struggling with some problems about Christmas caroling for the festival my school held? Well...the festival has come and gone and things got wild afterwards.

After all my tough times, I want to tell y'all about something fun. And what happened last night, embodies fun in its entirety. But bear with me, I'm hungover as I'm typing this.

I also only had 2 hours of sleep.

I'm apologizing now for any typos, grammatical errors, and English tomfoolery I'm about to unleash in this post.

First, I'm happy to announce my kids nailed it last night. Wish me luck as I start teaching them some Lion King songs in honor of Lion King being in South Korea. The school is taking a field trip in December to see the show. Gotta get these kids ready.

Anyways, the show ends, parents are going home, teachers are passing out school fliers and helping parents gather their children together. I'm trying to figure out what time my car pool was heading home. It's 9-ish in the evening and I thought I heard we were staying until 10pm.

So, as I'm trying to work out what time we're leaving, which ended up more of a 'we gotta nunchi this', one of the teachers asks, "Who wants to go drinking?"

The speed that many teachers were willing to put cleaning up to tomorrow and have some downtime was eye opening. I hadn't realized just how exhausted they all were. My coworkers hide their struggles very well. And when that invite came my way, I was quick to say 'yes'.

Now, I also thought it would just be for an hour.

Oh no. I didn't start making my way home until 4am. But that's jumping ahead in the story.

Where was I...oh right! So we go to a bar named Cheers. No one there knew my name. But I had 500cc of beer in my hand within seconds of the head teacher sitting down. For those of you who don't know what 500cc is, its equivalent to 500ml. It was a good amount of beer. I had roughly 4 of those as the night passed.

There was also a bottle of soju thrown in there, because why not?

Alright, so I got the alcohol covered, here's what floored me. My co-workers were so relaxed and comfortable, that the intimidation of the language barrier lowered. I was able to speak to many of my coworkers last night and gotten to know them better. It was such a wholesome feeling that I got from them.

And then...one of the teachers told me, outside of work hours, I could call her 언니. Basically, our relationship leveled the fuck up. We also considered ourselves platonic soulmates because we understood each other so well. And I mean, really well. Practically thinking the same thoughts when we're conversing.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the table, the bromance between the guy teachers was very real, which sparked a conversation about LGBTQIA+. And those of us in the conversation agreed, love is love is love.

The night was literally a beautiful night.

But...the second one of us actually fell asleep at the table mid-conversation, that should've been my clue that things were about to get wild.

Everything that follows feels like it happened so quickly, but I know it happened over a 3 hour time-frame.

Five of us looked for a 노래방 (karaoke), and realized we're in a small rural town and that things don't stay open that late.

I called a taxi for one of the teachers, she was drunk after one of her three 500cc mugs.

Philosophical conversations in English and Korean. Both being quite slurred, but having the best of intentions as we try to figure out how to best work with an obstinate student.

Lost and found cell phones. Never mine...I was still aware enough to know where my phone was...

Oh my god! Let's talk about the bathroom situation. There was one bathroom with a regular stall and a urinal that was more or less covered up by one of those bathroom divider things. It was a gender neutral bathroom. And you never knew if someone was in there using it or not...Of the three times I went to the bathroom, I know for a fact, one time...there was a guy using the urinal. I don't know if he ever realized that I was in there as the same time as him...

By 1am, one of the most docile teachers announces to the group, 'We're not going home. We go to next place. More beer' in her best English. Normally she's so shy and hesitant to speak English, but brah...she took charge and it was in English.

I definitely need to reach out more to the teachers at this school. Extend my hand further, because the wholesome feeling from last night was something I want them all to enjoy more often.

Wait...does this mean we need to go drinking more?

Well we're in luck! Despite coming up with a group name (we're called AM...not sure why...but it made sense last night, I guess?), we also have plans to meet up on Monday in the evening.

Anyways, we're all getting ready to go, being the last group at the bar by the way. Cheering and laughing and speaking a mix of Korean and English. I think some of the teachers were slightly startled at the amount of Korean I could speak. Which isn't much, but enough that I can get my thought across at times...

ANYWAYS! 6 from the original 11, went right ahead to the next drinking spot. And yes...that included me. And not to worry, we took a taxi! Oh! Before I forget...our next drinking spot was going to be a 노래방. (Yes...we tried finding 노래방 again. No regrets.) But realized, again, that there wasn't one open, we went to a...I actually don't know the name of the place.

It's a place you can eat hot Korean food and keep drinking for a cheap price. Which is what happened for the next three hours.

By 4am, I was finally falling asleep and the night was called. Time to go home.

Now, I was going to call a taxi, but host mom was all, 'No! We'll walk! Together! Let's go!' It's below the freezing point, we're both drunk, and she wants to walk home?

Well, we got home around 4:30.

Now, had it been a normal Thursday turned Friday situation, I would've just gone to bed.

I didn't.

I packed my bag since after work today, my traveling for the weekend began. One night in Daegu and the following in Seoul. I got to sleep around 5am. Did I say something different earlier in the post? Bah, that's wrong. I went to bed around 5am, just to wake up at 7:45am for work.

And what I thought would be a regular morning was not the case.

Apparently, host mom had the bus driver's keys and phone. I had wondered last night where she'd gotten the bag that she suddenly acquired, but...I was busy trying to stay warm at the time.

And we needed to go get the car from the bar.

And breakfast.

One second, I was about to make myself a bagel and the next I was climbing into host dad's truck to be driven to the bar to get the car, but host mom and I went to GS25 (a convenience store) and looked for breakfast before heading into work.

And when we get to work, thirty minutes later than usual, but still on time...I realized...one of the cars back at the bar has been one of the teacher's cars. She hadn't gotten it yet.

Was she...was she not coming in?

Sis rolled in at the start of first period...

And now I have a raging headache and have to go teach one of my rowdiest classes in about twenty minutes.

#SaveOurToya

Can You Not?

I feel like it's been years since I've written a happy post. Which is preposterous...this blog came alive in May. It's barely been six months. And yet...this feeling persists.

So, what brings me back for my latest update?

Christmas carols.

I bet you didn't see that coming.

And yes, I know, Thanksgiving hasn't come and gone yet, but here we are anyways.

My school is hosting a festival of sorts on 11/22 (yes, Thanksgiving day), and I was asked last month to get the kids ready to sing an English song.

My reaction: Um...okay? What song?

Now, take a moment to be in my shoes. It's been some odd years since I was in Elementary School. But, I'm pretty sure we never had a festival. Maybe a Christmas pageant, but even then...it was all done in one language that a majority (if not all) of the students spoke. I was so lost on what the school was looking for.

Teacher mode flipped on and I decided that I wanted to find an easy song that also ties in the season (making decisions like a boss). I landed on, 'We Wish You a Merry Christmas'. Side note, did you know it was considered a Thanksgiving song back in the day? I didn't. And! There was a readily available ESL version. I was gonna have them all do an A Cappella version, like Christmas carolers. Being able to slide in a cultural piece, beautiful, right?

Well, I was told they needed to do more.

Brah...you want them to do two English songs?

And you want them to do Let It Go?

Somehow, I was able to scale the song back to them only having to sing a 30-second part of the song. The "easiest" part I could find.

They got it down with some struggles, but its good. Timing may be off a smidge, but they know the words.

Phew. Okay, easy breathing.

They're still struggling with We Wish You a Merry Christmas, but they're getting the hang of it. Slowly.

Mostly okay breathing, then.

This morning, when we did a final rehearsal, I was so proud of them. I sat in front of them and mouthed the words, but they did it! The whole way through without me having to fix pronunciation. Word order is still a bit off, but the pronunciation was good!

I even did a little happy squeal afterwards. That's how happy I was!

However...

The VP didn't approve...not completely. She wants to add music or a piano in the background to the song. And her reasoning, 'the timing is off'.

Honey, it's not the timing. It's their confidence in the words. It's an English song with words like 'figgy pudding' and 'good tidings' in it. And now, when they're finally getting the hang of the song, you want to introduce a piano to freak them out even more?

No.

Also, I told her I wanted to do the song in a traditional caroling way. Aka, no music, just voices.

But instead of respecting the culture that I'm introducing to your students, school, community, you'd rather add a piano because it'll make you feel better?

No.

I've recognized that for many people at the school, saying 'no' is hard to do. And sometimes, it is for me too, not wanting to disrespect them, their teaching experience, and their culture. All I ask, is the same be afforded to me.

And when it isn't...in what language do you want me to say 'no'. I got five I can give you, right here, right now.

Here's the other thing...why am I constantly told, "respect the Korean culture", when the same is not told to the workplace that has requested a foreign teacher to respect the foreigner's culture? Do they not get a training session on what to do when you have a foreigner in your office?

Perhaps this is my own privilege/entitlement coming out right now...I definitely can see how foreigners back home can feel intimidated, startled, uncomfortable, and coerced with a few words. This is definitely a learning moment for myself for when I get back home.

Moral of the story, I'm irritated. This isn't the first time I've been put in an uncomfortable situation due to cultural differences, but it is the first time I've had enough and won't let it slide.

#SaveOurToya

Curious whether I'm about to burn a bridge with the VP or not, hit the 'FOLLOW' button to find out!

The Aftereffects

Trigger Warning: mass shootings, feelings being validated, emotional rambling on triggering topic
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Nose clogging.

Throat throbbing.

Eyes watering.

Head aching.

And yet, its the latest news about a mass shooting in a California bar that is making it hard for me to breath. Guys, I don't know where this naive thought came from, but for whatever reason, I thought that once I came to Korea, I'd stop hearing about shootings.

No more heart stopping news.

No more breath quickening to painful levels.

No more.

Joke's on me, I guess.

I'm recovering from a fever right now, not having the most comfortable of week, and it pales in comparison to how I feel.

I am well aware that the topic of mass shootings is a sensitive topic for me. The fact that a fellow Fulbrighter had asked how to broach the topic of mass shootings in America for their Korean students had me tensing, sweating, and breath quickening. It was hint enough that this was a topic that triggered me.

And here's what I recognize.

This is something I need to work through, but I'm not ready to talk nor do I know where to begin. Do I start with the school drills I learned in school for whenever there was a shooter on campus? Or do I start with the attempted mass shooting at my university during my undergrad days? Or the false alarm during grad school? What about Pulse? Parkland?

I keep having to stop typing. My fingers keep stalling.

During the recovery in Orlando after Pulse, I heard from various sources that it's okay to feel what you feel. That your feelings are valid.

That my feelings are valid.

But...maybe its because I'm not surrounded by the community that knew what it was like, or because I've been lulled into a bubble of safety since moving here, but its been getting harder to stay steady whenever I hear about a shooting.

Of all the things to have to prepare myself for with my move, finding support for moments like these was not something I thought I had to do.

I'm working through these emotions, I am.

But it's not easy....hell, writing this post was not easy. I mentioned that I had to stop typing many times. My fingers were literally tensing and causing me to hit the wrong keys. It doesn't help that my thoughts are all over the place and stringing one thought together was so hard.

Partly because of the fever, but mostly because of this topic.

This post was/is more for me than it was for you, I admit. An attempt at putting it all down. Granted, I'm doing better now than I did when I first started this post.

If only it were that easy to move past this.

#SaveOurToya

13 Days Later...

It's been a while! 

Guess who's back~!


C'est moi!

That's right everyone, I am back. And crazily, on the thirteenth day...

As far as I'm concerned, that's not an unlucky number, especially since it's October. Goes well with the theme, don't you think?

I hope you've all taken care of yourselves while I've been away? If not, let's talk! My time away has given me breath and space that has helped me reach a calmer inner peace. A lot has happened, and over the next coming days, I hope to put up posts about most of it!

But first, I want to bring attention to my Thank You post. It's just a small thank you to everyone who reached out to me while I was away. That's really all I'm going to say on the matter as the post itself is rather self-explanatory.

I plan to update this post with links to the other posts that will reflect what happened while I was on my hiatus. And if any of you follow my Insta, I'm sure you have an idea of what I've been up to!  Everything will be linked below~!

I have just one more thing to say.

It feels good to be back.

Please click the 'FOLLOW' button on the right to get updates on my latest shenanigans in Korea.

#SaveOurToya

9/26 - Hiatus
9/28 to 30 - Seoul and the Hospital
10/3 - The Mini-Break
10/6 - Busan

화이팅 (in More Ways than One)

Many of you have reached out to me, sharing your love and positivity during a time I wasn't able to do the same for myself. That is why this post is for you.

To you, who made me smile when I couldn't muster one up myself.

To you, who reminded me that I'm not alone.

To you, who talked me through my thoughts.

To you, who stood beside me.

To you, who listened.

To you, who cared.

To you...

I give you my thanks, my appreciation, and my affection. I know that many of you have your own problems that you're working through. And they are by no means less than someone else's. So, the fact that you took time to reach out means more to me than I can ever express. Know that if you need a willing ear or just someone to talk to, I am here for you.

Without hesitation.

#SaveOurToya

Temporary Hiatus

Hey everyone,

Nothing amazing to post about except that I'll be going on a hiatus for a bit.

Not sure when I'll be back, but I need to focus on myself. A lot of self-realizations have come up lately and I need to work through them.

I hope I won't be gone for too long, but...I know self-care is very important. I will be taking all the time that I need to get through this.

On that note, I hadn't planned on posting anything about my departure, but I feel that it's important that people hear about moments of self-care. Because if you can't care for yourself, who will? No one else owes it to you, but you. If you notice that somethings not right, take a step back. Treat yo'self. Tell people 'no'. Speak up. Do what you need to do to help you.

We only have one chance in this life and it's better to live it happy than miserable.

If you want to get updates on the latest #SaveOurToya shenanigans, please hit the FOLLOW button to the right.

So until I get back, take care of yourselves and live your best life!

#SaveOurToya

First Day Nerves

This is it. 

Today is my last night before I become a real teacher at Jusang Elementary School. What makes me finally 'real', you must be wondering?

I'm finally teaching a literal class tomorrow. 

I'm teaching four classes and yes, I am nervous as fuck.

Not so much in my teaching ability, but if I lesson planned well enough? Does that even make sense? 

If not...here's my defense: I've been sitting in the living room of my Homestay for the last 4 hours, making out my lesson plans. And before that, I was making a powerpoint for about an hour or so. It would've been less time, had I gotten more accurate information on where to start my lesson planning to begin with. 

The hardest part in a new job is the starting point. 

The messier your information, the harder it is to get your mind around everything.

I do pride myself in being able to sort out things out quickly and efficiently. But still...I'm allowed to be nervous!

It's normal!!!!

At least that's what I keep telling myself. 

So here's what I'm jumping into:

There has never been a Fulbright ETA at this school before me. They have one traveling teacher, who jumps between three schools. I am in contact with her, and bless that I am. Knowing where the kids left off before their break is much better on where to start, than suddenly being two chapters ahead. 

Which was the information I got on Friday. And on Friday, I banged out like four lesson plans, they were beautiful. But now...nevermind. Gotta use them later. Maybe in October?

I almost forgot!!

Don't let it fool you. This is not set.

Annndddddd, let's not forget that I don't even know my full schedule yet. I'll find out tomorrow. 

During go time. 

I feel like I'm a new driver with one foot on the gas, the other on the break, and another on the clutch. It's like I have three feet, two legs, with the street signs blown away by the typhoon. 

Gah.

So. Much. Gah.

Lesson learned (pun NOT intended): At the end of each class, semester, year, whatever...write where you left off. It's not only a good benefit for yourself, but also the next person coming in. You definitely want your administrative staff to be aware as well. 

Communication is so important, folks. I mean...don't leave home without it, important. 

There's so many other things going on, why make it harder?

My next post will be on Week 8 to talk about my first week in class. Any predictions on what's going to happen? I'd love to hear about it!

If you want to get updates on the latest #SaveOurToya shenanigans, please hit the FOLLOW  button to the right. I mean, why not? 

I'm a peach.

#SaveOurToya

Week 6 - 79 Goodbyes...80 Hellos

Wow. I don't even know where to start...

Usually I have a good jumping off point (at least, I feel like I do...), but today...I'm truly lost in what to say.

Let's start with some facts.

1- Week 6 is the final week of my Orientation period. That's right friends and family, I have been here for 6 weeks, and my Orientation is officially up.

2- I have completed 110 hours of Korean Language Instruction at Yonsei University at the Songdo Campus. Still need to work on it though...

3- I taught in two separate English classes at an English Summer Camp (FEP). Which had been nerve-wracking at first, but has made me more confident as a teacher in the long run~!

4- I was at the US Embassy in Seoul where I met the Ambassador. Was not expecting that...

5- Vacationed in Sokcho for a weekend. Will definitely be going again!

6- Had a fantastic roommate for the whole Orientation period. Truly. Thanks again, Kaby! These last six weeks would've been a different kind of adventure if it weren't for you.

7- ...

You know what? I think I'm going to stop this list here. Because at this rate, I'll just keep going with no end in sight...

But, bonus points...I figured out what I wanted to write about!

My cohort.

Looking back, I don't think I've really spoken about them...not really...right?

It's not because they're horrible people. Far from it. It's because I had no idea on how to discuss 80 people in a single post without it being excessively long.

Spoilers: ...I can't.

80 people is way too long to give individual shoutouts. You can trust me on this. We have to count to 80 for attendance. (We spice things up by counting down to 1.) Even something as small as saying a number can be a challenge...apparently.

So unfortunately, I won't be giving individual shoutouts.

Now then...this cohort...the 2018-19 Fulbright Korea cohort...

In a single word?

친구 - Friends

What had once been 79 strangers are now 79 people who I can look to for support, laughter, exasperation, safety, and even irritation. For what is family without someone to be irritating?

This week- no...these six weeks, the 80 of us have gone through so many challenges and have come out better for it in the end. I am proud to be in this cohort, regardless of the passive aggressive memes. I am happy that we had six weeks to orient ourselves in this country as much as we could before going to our placement. In some way or another, each person has inspired me to be better.

Do better.

Even those individuals who I've barely spoken to. Crazy as that may sound, there are some individuals that I've barely spoken to in this cohort. It's not because of avoidance, but just...so much is happening that I'm already at Week 6/heading to my placement before I had the chance to really sit down catch my breath.

Where has the time gone, Fam?

Before I get all emotional and start crying on my laptop, I want to send warm wishes to my cohort! We'll all be in separate corners of this country, some lucky enough to be in the same city- or by ourselves (like me!), but we'll still be connected to each other because of these six weeks.

I know we'll have our good days. And definitely our bad days.

But I want you all to know, you're not alone. You have 79 guaranteed friends that are a group chat away. Share with us the good. The bad. The ugly. The beautiful. Let us laugh with you. Cry with you. Hold you.

You will all be wonderful and talented teachers!

So really, this isn't 79 goodbyes.

It's 80 hellos to new places. New experiences. And new memories!

#SaveOurToya

Stronger than I Look - First Month Update

My feelings have reached a new level of exasperation. I am frustrated, apathetic, amused, challenged content, tired, disappointed, excited, and inspired. So much has happened in this month between meeting everyone in my cohort, teaching for the first time, workshops, and trying to figure out what this year will bring me.

Instead of studying for my midterm, I wanted to get something off my chest.

This last week has been...a challenge. I'm not too sure if I can get the words out- hell, I don't even think I can properly express these emotions properly.

Please be patient as I try to put feelings into words. This may be all over the place, but...meh. I'm okay with that.

During one of our workshops, Culture Shock was explained to us. It's not the first time I've heard of it, and I've learned some techniques to handle it during my many travels/moves. Thankfully, I haven't had to experience the intensity that Culture Shock can reach in my past.

But maybe I'll feel it while in South Korea? The culture is quite different from home and anywhere else I've traveled. It's still undetermined, but I'm hopeful that everything will work itself out the way it needs to.

I'm mentioning Culture Shock, because that's probably the first thing others bring up when what I'm about to express is used as an explanation for my feelings. And fine, it may play a role, but if it's one thing I know well, it's that there's more to a story, person, and feeling.

Everything has an origin story, but so much goes into that story that leaving anything out is not only a disservice to the story, but something else entirely. I cannot blame my emotions on Culture Shock, not alone.

Alright, enough stalling. Time to jump right in to the heart of the matter.

I want to read my posts from April and May, to see where my emotions were back then, but I'm hesitant. I had hopes and goals that I wanted to meet. I fear that reading those posts will bring my disappointment to the forefront. No one likes being disappointed in themselves. One day, I'll look at them again, but I don't think I'm in the right place currently to do that.

Why is dealing with emotions such a struggle?

I think I've reached a point in my Orientation where I'm asking myself why am I here. Yes...I have a duty as a cultural ambassador while here under Fulbright's name. A responsibility I am honored to uphold and wish nothing more than to be successful for my country and my communities that I represent, support, and adore.

I want nothing more than to do right by my students and my Homestay Family.

But...I want to do something more.

And yet...what is that more?

I titled this post Stronger than I Look, for two reasons. 1) A friend of mine recently gave me news that I'm on the right path that I need to be on. I will come across trials that may appear daunting, but I have what it takes to get passed it.

And 2) a shout-out to my past. Since as far back as I can recall, I've always took on many tasks and have made it my point to exceed all expectations no matter the request. Of course, I also know how to say 'no'. But more often than not, my quick mind comes up with multiple solutions or answers before I turn to 'no'.

Though my strength exists...I'm also tired. Perhaps, I should hold off on the more and take my time to live a life without the demands that I'm familiar with. I'm still not done with my journey, but there's no shame in getting off at a nearby rest stop. Who knows when I'll get this chance again to stretch my legs, using the bathroom, and restock?

What are my emotions?

What are my actions?

Who knows. But as of now, with one month behind me since I've come to Korea, guess we'll just have to wait and see what I get up to.

#SaveOurToya

Guess What...

At the end of the month, I will be holding my first lesson. Together with another ETA, we will be holding a small lesson (by small, I mean 45 mins in length) and I am excited and nervous at the same time!

Ugh, this feeling is lowkey frustrating!!!!

Having never taught a class and using what skills I've picked up while getting my TEFL certificate and certification in TESOL, I'm keeping my fingers crossed that my partner and I will be fantastic and awesome. 😎

Which we totally are.

But...nerves are normal and natural. Just...gotta...get to the point where I'm in the classroom and doing the thing.

The teaching thing.

...!

In other news, I hope to take part in all of the activities outside of the classroom that FEP will be holding in addition. These kids sound like an awesome bunch already.

And who knows! Might end up teaching one of them one day...

Keep your fingers crossed for me~!

#SaveOurToya