Teacher No Mo'

That's right.

I'm not a teacher anymore.

I'm finally going to start my dream as a federal employee! Yeah, you read that right.

I got a federal job~!

Starting February 18th, 2020...I will be a HR Specialist.

When I graduated high school, the goal was to be a French/German/English translator. The me of then had no idea that not only would my language goals change, but that I would be a teacher.

I don't think I ever thought I would be a teacher.

And yet, here I am.

Well...was.

After I finished my last class, I felt...relieved. Teaching takes a lot of time and effort that you notice...and don't notice. And now, it's finally done.

I think it helps that my next adventure is actually in the realm of what I have actual work experience in. The same work experience that had me pursue the Master's that I did. It's a good feeling that I have.

I'm happy.

Just a few more days now...

#SaveOurToya

Last Day

Today is my official last day of teaching at my elementary school.

Not much is going through my head. Maybe because I still have two more classes left to teacher and it's only 8:30 in the morning. My last two classes are my grade 3s and 4s. While I'm not as connected to them as I am my Grade 6s and 5s, the bond is still thriving just the same.

My Grade 3 class were my first proper class. I got to start their English journey with them. Some days, I don't feel much like a teacher, but I know that with this class...I got them from getting their barely known alphabet to making sentences. I am so proud of how far they've come. While I am sad that I won't be such an intricate part of their journey anymore, I hope they continue their progress!

My Grade 4s....oh boy. It's been a battle since the very first lesson. There has been every nightmare a parent has experienced from their children's Terrible Twos outside of hospital visits. Would I go through it all again? Yeah, I would. Despite the wild emotions, we also had fun! This class took me a lot longer to understand and how to teach, but because of our hardships, the three of us have a solid bond. Even if they picked up my sassiness and use it against me. (Rude.)

I've also seen such growth in my Grade 4s that I get blown away every time in class. And today...today is my last day teaching them.

Now, as I mentioned...I only have two classes to teach. Which means I already finished teaching my 5th and 6th graders. Now these two classes are completely different from each other. My grade 5s...wild. I have no other word for them. My Grade 4s were emotionally wild, this class...they were just everything wild. The question you should ask yourself when it comes to this class: what didn't happen?

I'm not kidding. There was a time I would dread teaching this class. But yesterday, when I walked into their classroom for the last time, I found myself not wanting the lesson to end. I bonded with every single one of them whether it was through English or my (still) boss skills on the soccer pitch.

I remember the lesson that I shared with the VP for our first class together. They told me they knew 53 words. Spelling...not so much. But if they saw the picture, they knew the word. There were no full thoughts in English or even telling me how they were.

Not only can they now tell you how they're feeling, the weather, and what they do on the weekends...they can argue for more playtime.

Of course...that's nothing like my 6th graders who negotiated for American candy that I couldn't buy in Korea.

I was offended and proud at the same damn time. They may not have had all the finer details (a, the, tenses), but I swear. If those kids don't end up in law, the world is missing out on some fantastic negotiators. Korean or English.

I would have to say my Grade 6s were the easiest to get along with and the easiest to teach. They soaked it up and were quick to use what they learned. Be it for the lesson or against me.

I tried teaching them out of the textbook, but that was nothing when we stepped away from the textbook and I showed them a different way. They picked it up much quicker, and I feel confident they will succeed in Middle School and not be left behind.

Which is a common concern when it comes to students who learn rural before heading into the city for middle school.

Wow...I guess a lot is going through my head.

These next two hours, as of course my last two classes are back to back, may go fast or they may go slow.

Either way...they're ending on high note.

#SaveOurToya

Be Fearless

I've gone back and forth on how to announce this. Should I just tell people as it pops up in conversation? Should I make a post on Facebook and call it a day. Should I only tell..etc.

Silly me.

I forgot I had a blog.

How did I forget? Well...I've been really busy that it slipped my mind.

It happens, okay?

I'd like to see anyone turn their life on its head and try to remember to keep everything straight.

That being said...

I am officially announcing that I have accepted a position stateside and that my time in Korea will come to an end on Feb 15th, 2020.

Below are some Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ) that have been thrown my way recently:

What does this mean? You, leaving?
It means I have one week to finish out the school year (which ends Feb 14), inform my school, pack up my apartment into 2 checked bags (50lbs ea.), say goodbye to friends, find an apartment, go through reverse culture shock, make an extra effort in my Korean studies, and who knows what else.

Through this process, as I have 5 days left until I leave, I've begun to see the realness in some people. For some it's not pretty, and for others, it's a warm feeling. Either way, it's a bitter-sweetness.

Why are you accepting the position?
Because the position I was offered is my dream position.

Where are you moving to? Back to Florida?
Haha, no. Florida and I have decided to see other people, but it was a mutual break up. I am moving to Iowa. I hear they have snow there these days?

What will you be doing?
Stuff.

What does your family think of you doing this?
They're happy for me. As in, very happy.

How does your school feel?
As in all of them? I don't know. I informed my VP this past Friday and she was very happy for me. My coteacher found out later that same day. (For anyone who is thinking of breaking contract, unless the relationship you established between your VP and coteacher is a dynamic where you go to the VP first, please don't do this. You will undermine your coteacher and it may cause you more stress as you prepare to go home.)

My coteacher is happy for me as well, but she has also told me that my departure saddens her. Besides my VP, she and her husband were the first people I met from my school/town. And it is sad to think that I won't see them anymore.

As for my students and the rest of the school staff. I'm not sure when they'll find out...but this last week promises to be an emotional one either way.

Did the racism at your school drive you to leave?
No, but it did help in saying 'yes' to the offer.

When did you start job searching?
In an effort to get started in finding a job for my return in July, I had started job searching at the end of November/beginning of December. The position I wanted is limited and doesn't stay posted for long. I wanted to have my best shot at hopefully obtaining at least a couple of interviews during my second semester.

Surprise of all surprises, I was called for an interview in late December. I was doubtful that I would get the position. After all...It's been a while since I did the whole interview song and dance. Plus, it was a phone interview from Korea. I was 3 hours passed my bed time before I was done. Sleepy interviews and out of practice aside, I must've done something right to look favorable to this office.

Are you excited?
Very much so! But I'm still in a bit of shock that it's happening.

What are you going to do in Iowa?
Figure that out in Iowa, BUT my parents, brother, and some friends have already informed me of what I can do.

I'm pretty sure they're all more excited than I am....

What about Korea?
When I said it was a hard decision to make the other day, I wasn't kidding. Korea was another dream of mine. But in the limited time that I had in making my decision, I realized my time in Korea has more or less come to an end. I was falling back into a pattern of suffering in certain areas of my time here. I was hiding my hurts behind the good and enough was enough.

It would be better if I left Korea with a fond memory and not a struggling one. Which was a fear I had.

Did you tell your school you were facing racism?
I did not.

And here's why. It was easier to go through the day without acknowledging it, then to bring it up. There's a delicate balance here that one constantly fights to keep. When it comes to English, I am considered an expert. But when it comes to social aspects, I'm simply the foreigner and just don't understand how Korean culture works.

I'll tell you this. If it's one thing a Korean national who LOOKS Korean will never understand it's what it is like as a foreigner within their own culture. Like I said...it's a delicate balance and this one person isn't worth the trouble.

Will you miss it?
Of course.

Will you go back?
Yes. I hope to come back in 2025 for vacation. 😎😆

What will happen to your blog?
Nothing??? Just because I leave Korea, doesn't mean my story ends. Sure...this blog was started in the spirit of recording my time here, but it's become much more since then. It's become a place where I am honest with myself and my experiences. My e-diary that I don't mind sharing.

How's your packing?

#SaveOurToya

Big Decision are BIG

I'm about to make one of the biggest decisions I've ever had to make.

This morning, I saw an email in my inbox that told me I had 24 hours to make a decision. Not a lot of time, and I doubt I'll have some saving grace like they do in the movies.

Yesterday, I was ecstatic.

Today, I'm troubled.

Or...at least I was.

I hope no one at work can tell that I was crying this morning.

I really, really hate decisions like this. You know, between the rock and the hard place...it's not a fun place to be.

But it's the place that I'm in and it's a harsh reality that took me blind this morning. I didn't know which was up and down. My head was saying one thing and my heart was tugged between two other things, not even in the mood to listen to my head. And the whole time, the rest of my body went through it's morning routine.

Get up.
Get dressed.
Morning walk.
Get ready for work.
Eat breakfast

After I finished eating, I recognized I was about to fall into a panic attack. I found it in myself to reach out to my friends first.

My first phone call helped calm me down.

After that, my dad called. (At some point, I had informed my family.)

And during that phone call...I began to cry. I couldn't hold it back. My body was reaching critical levels and was already beginning to shut down. It was not having this.

Yet...my dad was able to get me thinking straight again. His calmness and perspective restarted my systems or rebooted them. Whatever you wanna call it, I was no longer crying over my phone curled up on the floor of my kitchen.

We made an outline of what needs to be done.

A game plan.

Even though I still feel raw and not 100%, I know the decision I'm going to make.

Unfortunately...that decision will leave me in tears as well.

#SaveOurToya

Good Days DO Exist

Because not all days are shit days or 'wtf' situations, this post is proof that I also have good days.

And today...is a really good day.

It's finally hitting me that I've lost over 50lbs since my heaviest weight.

That's right!

FIFTY.

This hasn't been the easiest of accomplishments, but it is the most disbelieving ones I've made. It even outranks that I got a Fulbright to Korea. My weight-loss journey has been a cacophony of ups and downs and corkscrew turns. It comes as no surprise that it's taken me a week to believe the numbers I see on my scale.

I still hope to see more pounds shed as time goes by as I strive to reach my goal weight. I have another 42lbs to go, and they will go.

I've made that promise to myself.

No matter where life takes me this year, I will finally be at my goal weight come summer time. I have and will continue to overcome my bad eating habits and lazy decision making.  I will get myself out of my apartment for my morning walks. I won't let myself down.

Because 50lbs lighter has me feeling good.

Real good.

#SaveOurToya

Feb 2019 Thoughts (See how far I've come in a year)
1) Starring Toya
2) 영어선생님이에요
3) To My Precious Sixth Graders
4) Saturdays

*deep breath*

Y'all...I almost threw hands at work.

That is how angry I was. 

In an effort to stop myself from spitting venom and throwing hands, I had to mentally pull myself away from a burning rage.

Not even a full day back from vacation and the bullshit was back. I had hoped and truly believed that the time I took back at home had refueled my patience after a ROUGH semester.

Apparently, I was wrong.

As you know, last semester wasn't just rough. It really pushed me to my limits. There were times I felt raw and exposed, seconds away from sobbing at my desk. The disgusting sludge that came with racism, the helplessness as an unwanted bystander, and the irritation that comes with ghosting all played their roles in breaking me down. 

In all honesty, there were times I contemplated breaking my contract and going back home while wiping away my tears and figuring out how to deal with my frustrations. 

My vacation home was as much to see my parents as it was to take a break from all of this. I wanted to put myself back into a positive mental space and prove to myself that these next six months were going to be my best months in Korea.

Little did I know that day 1 of being back at work, I barely stopped myself from snapping.

And not just verbally. 

--*--*--

Okay...so here's what happened.

I'm talking to my co-teacher about next semester. My schedule was changing a little bit and I was expressing my concern about (yet again) putting such vastly different English levels in the same classroom. Will things change? Probably not. But I tried.

Our conversation then switched to another topic. Now...my co-teacher's English isn't the best. She's, in fact, the science teacher. Typically, your co-teacher would be the Korean English teacher; however, my small school only has me as an English teacher. I've adjusted and have become quite adept in understanding low-level English. 

My co-teacher was struggling to explain a legal change that is happening in my province and was lacking the sufficient vocabulary to get her point across. However, we were getting through it. 

But...it was during this conversation that a certain somebody decided to be rude as fuck. This same individual who I know is racist and I've done my best to ignore their presence, needed my co-teacher's attention. 

Since I face the staff room doors, I noticed when they walked in, calling for my co-teacher. Her head was down, focused on her phone. As my co-teacher decided to keep talking to me, I focused back on our conversation. 

Had that been it, I would've forgotten the whole situation.

But that wasn't it.

No.

This same somebody called for my co-teacher again, well aware the two of us were having a conversation. 

My co-teacher still kept speaking to me. At this point, I'm actually irritated. Do they not see my co-teacher is talking to me? Do they not see that it's not an easy conversation we're having? 

Do. They. Not. See?

Had that been it, I would've forgotten the whole situation after the weekend.

But that wasn't it.

No.

This same somebody continued to call for my co-teacher, walked over to us and started tapping her fingers on the desk cubicle. 

If I had looked away from my co-teacher, I don't know what would have happened, but I'm pretty sure whatever image my school has of me as 'Toya teacher' was going to be shattered.

Black women in America know what happens when we show our anger at work. We get labelled as 'aggressive', 'illogical', 'ignorant', 'hostile', etc. Never are we 'justified' or 'in the right'. Nope. We have to learn to keep our anger leashed if we want to be taken seriously.

If I had looked away from my co-teacher, it would've started with a 'do you fucking mind?' to...

It is now the following Monday. 

I took the weekend to calm down. There were some flare ups, but I've processed it.

I don't know what I'll do when the BS happens again, but there is one thing that I do know after everything that has happened.

As of today, I only have 23 weekends left of my contract and I don't need this mess to hold me down. 

Let's see what havoc I can unleash between now and my goodbyes.

#SaveOurToya

My Mini Vacation

It's the end of January 2020, and let's all be honest with ourselves...this first month had a lot of surprises.

Probably the most constant on people's minds right now: the Coronavirus

Affectionately called, the beer virus.

Okay, fine!

No one calls it that except for me. (Maybe...?)

I can't be the only one who thought "...like the beer?" when they first heard of it.

As a reminder, there's a lot of misinformation floating around between Karen on Facebook, clickbait headlines, and word of mouth. Your best sources during this 'international public health emergency' is the World Health Organization (WHO) and the Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). I've also included a video below from Dr. Mike where he talks about the truth of Coronavirus as of January 28th, 2020. He cites his sources and he's a qualified, practicing doctor in New York, USA.

It's been a few days since this video was released and more information about the virus is being learned. Like Dr. Mike said, 'be alert, not anxious'.

This virus was a bit of a concern for me as I was actually traveling as the news was breaking. On Jan 18th, 2020, I was boarding my flight to Florida to visit my parents. I hardly told anyone of my trip as it was originally supposed to be a surprise for my parents.

And while I did tell them on Christmas, I still kept it to a small group of people. While I owe no one an explanation as to why I kept it secret, I still felt I needed to explain myself.

So listen up.

My trip home was not to meet and greet. It was to see my parents. Period.

That's it.

If I ran into people I knew, that's great. If not, well...that's fine. I shouldn't have been stateside to begin with.

I spent 10 days stateside where I learnt something about myself that I hadn't expected.

Florida...I think we should see other people.

That's right! I am breaking up with Florida. During those 10 days, I remembered what it was like living there and while good memories were there, so were the bad.

This last year and a half has changed me for the better and Florida...Florida hasn't changed at all. The me now, can't live where the me of the past was.

While some may be sadden to hear this, it is simply my truth. I will not ignore my truth and will take steps to ensure my continued happiness is number one as I make preparations for my return to America.

Wild...isn't it?

I'm on my last 6 months in Korea...before my trip home...it didn't feel real. The fact that I am leaving in a few months. Since I landed, I now hear the clock ticking down.

It was time I started getting everything ready for my return home, while enjoying everything that is Korea.

As always,
#SaveOurToya

The End of 2019

I can't believe it.

2019 is almost over. And unlike last year I'm feeling much better. I'm not typing this post with a glare, but a smile.

(From left to right)Charlotte, Kay-leigh, Pi, Darlene, Me, Kim

Because I am feeling good.

This is what I wanted for myself when the decade first started. In 2009, I was still in high school, not a clue about my future, with exams and soccer matches being the most challenging part of my day.

Past me has nothing to worry about, and that's all I wanted.

I know what I'm doing and where I want to go.

I haven't felt this settled in a long time- God, this feels great!

Just can't keep this smile off my face!!!

A big part of this happiness comes from the Christmas Party my friends and I had on Christmas Eve. It was a small gathering of dinner, snacks, and Secret Santa. I really couldn't have asked for more. It didn't matter that half of the decorations were handmade by us or that it was a boogie ratchet Christmas.

It was with my family away from home~

The six of us even took the time to come up with two New Years Resolutions, and with some smart goals to be able to meet those goals! Cuz if we're going to do them, let's do them right!

-------

Our decorations and resolutions for 2020

My goals:
1 - Staying Connected.
Many of us are going our separate ways in 2020. Back to our home countries to either pursue further education or get a job within our field. Teaching has been fun, but it takes a real hero to stick with it.

Within our group, I'm the only one going back to the US. Which is a big factor of why I don't want to lose touch with the five of them.

I don't want to lose them despite the distance that will separate us in the future.

2 - High Intermediate Korean
I've been saying this for months now, but I'm definitely taking my language study more seriously than ever. I've completed level 1A with the YMCA, finished level 3 of the Talk to Me in Korean grammar books recently, and now....

Now I'm working on getting a tutor.

I'm trying as much as I can to reach my goal before leaving Korea!

-------

I think what helps is that I've already started on meeting these goals. No...I don't think.

I know.

And perhaps the very best part of Christmas happened when I got to speak with my family back home. A two hour phone call that was filled with laughter, drunk ramblings, mom's phone not working, and dad showing up late to the party despite being right next to mom.

I am thankful that in this final year of the decade that I found the joy that had been lacking more and more with each year.

Sounds sad to hear, doesn't it?

But that's what I've been battling at the end of every year. I was worried it would be the same again this year.

But now...it's 6 days before the end of the decade and there's only one way I can end this post.

#ToyaSavesHerself

300 Questions

As a teacher, I've learned that writing my own tests is essential to my students' education.

There are, of course, pros and cons.

Pros:
- Vocab is definitely something they've studied
- Format is familiar
- Directions are simplified

Cons:
- Takes a lot of time
- Students still don't read the directions
- Could be very long

My usual practice of assessing my student's abilities are vocabulary quizzes. They don't know this, but next year, they'll be tested on more than just spelling. This year, I have taken the time to gear them up to be more effective in their English. Speaking sentences and a better grasp on their spelling and listening abilities. I've also worked on their reading abilities. But the only  TEST  they've had are spelling tests.

In addition, my school likes to challenge the students in creative or 'not so creative' ways. For English, they've come up with the idea of a semester exam. The exam is completely voluntary, covers the entire semester, and they could win a prize depending on how many points they earn on it!

I think it's a fun idea.

What's not so fun about it is that it is a test that I write.

Four different times.

During everything that has been happening this last semester, I wrote up 4 exams with a total of  300 questions. Each exam has 7 parts that cover their textbook information, storybook stuff, and whatever other shenanigans we may have covered that semester. If I was going to write this exam and the students could win something, I am going to test. them.

It took me two weeks to complete these exams. Matching the formatting, working with Korean Microsoft Word, and keeping my students' varied levels in mind, I completed the task asked of me.

I'm pretty proud of the exams that I wrote.

And I think the reason I was so proud of them is because my students were at a level that I felt comfortable challenging them the way I did. They've come so far in their English.

I am extremely proud in their abilities!!

Now, as many of my posts, there is a 'can someone explain to me' moment that follows right after setting the stage.

That moment is now.

Can someone explain to me why I was told that 'so-and-so' would be printing out these exams so I don't have to worry about it, and yet someone still came looking for me, asking where the exams were?

Also, why was this person told I was proctoring (invigilating) the exam? I didn't even know when the exam would be today.

The only exam I knew about was the one during 5th period due to extenuating circumstances. I had to sit on that one, and I didn't mind. I wasn't teaching and could do it.

Clearly, there was some miscommunication (yet again).

While I knew the exam was today, I didn't know 100% if I would be sitting in on it or not. I had hoped that if I was needed for the exam, someone would come tell me within 5 minutes of the exam per their usual MO.

Alas, what actually happened wasn't that.

There was me who had no idea who was taking the test, when exactly the test was, and if I needed to be there.

There was the test organizer who I have no idea where they were or what they arranged.

There was the admin person who was supposed to print them out, but didn't know? (I think...)

There was the test proctor (invigilator) who thought I was handling the printing and would join.

So!

When the test was supposed to start (7th period, surprise, surprise), whatever false sense of security was felt for this exam went out the window. I don't know who dropped the ball and I'm not mad at them.

The only thing I hope is that people will start to wake up and see what is happening. It's a bit painful to put so much time and effort into my projects, but get little return.

Did you know I wasn't even included in the teacher group photo they had this week?

#SaveOurToya

Nice, really nice...

With emotions rubbed tender, the air quality reaching unhealthy levels, and soon to be thrown under the bus (not really, I just wasn't expecting it) by my classmates, I found myself apathetically taking my Korean Exam last night.

The exam could've been much harder, and I am thankful that it wasn't. By the end of it, I finished my final semester off with a 98% on my exam, a certificate of completion, and (to my utter surprise) an award of excellence (모범상). Unlike the Korean class during my Orientation period, I did much better.

So much better.

And I also got a cute present with my 모범상. A reusable cup that also works as a cellphone stand and two chocolate lollipops.

When I got home last night, it seemed as many of my worries from the day were gone.

It was nice.

Really nice. :)

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For about an hour.

Then I found myself unable to fall asleep for reasons unknown. -__-

#SaveOurToya

The Bystander and the Victim

Ever find yourself in a situation where you have no idea what is going on, but you know you should do something?

Say something?

That happened to me this past weekend. 

At first, I didn't do anything, because I couldn't figure out what I could do. According to Wikipedia's Bystander Effect page, "[t]he bystander effect, or bystander apathy, is a social psychological claim  that individuals are less likely to offer help to a victim when other people are present; the greater the number of bystanders, the less likely it is that one of them will helps". There are many factors that contribute to becoming a bystander. 

A couple of such factors happen to be ambiguity and diffusion of responsibility, and that's what I had to struggle with Saturday night.

What I saw was a well-dressed, emotionally unstable woman (crying, shoving people away) sitting on the ground, surrounded by a group of men.

So badly, I wanted to jump in, ask her if she was okay. But I couldn't.

It wasn't like we were in a dark alley way or some remote location. We were on one of the main roads with heavy traffic. Many people were walking by and were clearly watching what was going on.

And unlike myself, they understood what everyone was saying. 

I had no idea as to what was going on and I didn't know what options I had as a foreigner. You hear enough horror stories that when a foreigner is involved, they get blamed almost automatically. In situations like these, you feel powerless. 

So...so...powerless. 

My friends and I came back later to see what was going on, during that time, I told myself I would ask my school what I should do in those situations moving forward.

Instead of hearing about actions I could make, I heard victim-blaming. 

"That area is known for such things. Very common occurrence."

"A young woman, right?"

"She probably drank a lot."

"She gave herself to a demon."

The fact I wasn't asked, 'what was she wearing?' was an almost bigger shock than what I was hearing.

I was hoping to hear solutions!

Not....this.

But you know what else I noticed? Grand scheme after I worked through my reaction, I wasn't actually that surprised. I was more so effected by how blatant the victim-blaming was compared to the usual underhanded tactics that happen in my day to day.

The crap that once happened in my classroom in the Fall of 2018 was much worse than the stuff that happens now. Why? Because I nip it in the bud as soon as I notice something is going down or about to happen.

I've gotten really good at snapping my student's names out. Especially when it's not their nicknames. I'm not afraid to kick a student out of my classroom or give punishment tasks. I would have them scrubbing cauldrons in a heartbeat if this were Hogwarts!

When I hear them go, 'so and so did this', I am quick to have them do their own self-reflection. So-and-so may have done something annoying, but you're the one attempting to hit, kick, or throw their stuff out of the classroom.

Eye for a tooth, and tooth for an eye, any kind of revenge is not tolerated.

Maybe I'm playing hardball here because my classroom is something I can at least pretend I have control over.

I hope my students are learning/seeing what it means to take part and standing up when things aren't going right. Of course, they don't see that I'm floundering about on my best and worst days.

Perhaps a 'see something, say something' lesson is needed.

I don't know...

What I do know is that being powerless sucks.

#SaveOurToya

There's a List

Strap yourselves in boys and girls and people. It's been a couple of weeks since I last posted and who knows what craziness I'm about to impart upon you today.

Best to get the big things out of the way, shall we?



Number 1 (and yes, we have a list.)

Who da fuck spilled coffee on my desk?

It sure as hell wasn't me. I don't drink the hot bean water. To be frank, it's not my cup of tea. (hehe...get it?)

So someone, who I don't know but am quite certain drinks coffee, was sitting at my desk and had a little "oopsie". Thankfully, nothing important got ruined. Just some of my scrap paper that I like to reuse cuz I'm all eco-friendly that way.

But still.

Someone spilled coffee and didn't have the nerve to tell me.

Strike(s): 1


Number 2

Why wasn't I told my class were cancelled?

I'm used to being told the morning of my classes if they were going to be cancelled. After a year of it happening randomly (for me, not so random for everyone else), you build up a casual acceptance of, 'ah...okay'. And if a class is cancelled, it's not the end of the world. You can just move your lesson plan to the next time you have that class. Even if you had a themed event that you really wanted to share with your students because of a holiday, and it really shouldn't be moved, but here we are? Yeah. I know how to roll with the punches, even then.

But when it comes to one of my students informing me the period right before the 'cancelled' class and my co-teacher saying nothing, I have some problems.

I go to confront said teacher, and she goes, 'oh right! Yes, but not really. Only 7th period. It's a chicken party that we knew of for the last two weeks. You will be teaching during 8th period.'

Guess who didn't teach 8th period either...

Strikes: 3 (they got 2 strikes, for the double cancellation)


Number 3

Yesterday, I learned of something worse than last minute class cancellations. Last minute class additions.

Y'all...let me tell you how I work.

Because I've found a self-love for myself during that fuck-up of a time from a few months ago, I no longer bring my work home. Almost everything is done between work hours. Per my contract, that's a total of 40 hours. 22 of those hours, I am teaching (if classes aren't cancelled), and the other 18 are left for lesson planning.

Now, my lesson planning is down to a fine art. I don't prep a week in advance. I wish I could, but I don't. I lesson plan within 24-48 hours before the class.

Why?

Because I want to have taught the class beforehand to understand what needs to be worked on in the next class. Or hey, maybe we didn't get as far as I hoped to and can be less stressed as I ctrl+c and ctrl+v for a hot second.

Or in much, much simpler terms.

If my class is on Wednesday, I start planning on Monday and finialize by the end of my last free period on Tuesday.

Apparently, the teachers in my school thought, 'oh Toya's more than prepared. She always is. Let's just shift 2 classes forward, so now she's teaching 4 class this morning, and she should've already have been in her first class ten minutes ago. She's got this.'

To say I didn't have a mini-freak out and questioned my life choices would be a dirty, dirty lie.

I showed up, 15 mins late to my first (SURPRISE) class. Instead of giving them a proper lesson, we got to watch the wholesome movie Klaus on Netflix. Happy Holidays, y'all.

My other surprise class, I couldn't prepare for either but I showed up on time (small win!). I was still teaching my normal class schedule and those classes sat between my first surprise class and my second surprise class. Aka, no free time. They got to finish watching their semester movie and start watching Home Alone. "Merry Christmas, you filthy animals."

Strikes: 6


Number 4

Since my Wednesday schedule was thrown out of wack, for the last 5 hours, I have been finalizing 4 separate exams that my students will be taking in two weeks. You know, instead of spreading it over two days, alongside lesson planning for the next day, it got all packed into today.

I knew, at some point, that switch inside of me flipped. You know the one.

The fuck it switch.

Grade 3 and 4, sure as hell better be thankful, because Grade 5 and 6, that test is playing hardball. It's the type of test written by those teachers you hear about throughout your entire academic career. The teacher who "won't take your shit, so be sure to do it right the first time".

I meet with my coteacher tomorrow to discuss the exams. Unless there's an error, I'm not feeling to kind to making changes.

That may make me a bad teacher, but the hand-holding needed to stop at some point.  Why not for a competition test that these kids should have been preparing themselves for for the last three months?

Strikes: 10


Number 5

Now, let's rewind to Monday. It's only the second day of December. I was feeling pretty good. No mystery coffee, no cancelled class, no added classes, and no test finalizing.

My classes for the day were prepped on Friday and I had the drafts finished for the big tests done too. My weekend was solid (for once in a really, really, really long time) and I haven't had to deal with any racist bullshit.

The only thing I had to really be concerned about was my Korean test the following evening.

Then my co-teacher showed up and was asking for the Winter Camp lesson plans (that were never requested for until just now).

Which were not done. I had a stickie note of a rough outline, but nothing to be submitted.

So, I asked when she would like it.

Joker had the thought to have them due today. As in, the day the four big exams were due.

I think something in me knew. It just knew, "Don't you fucking agree, La Toya."

I didn't. I asked for it to be due the following week.

Thankfully, she agreed.

Unfortunately, I didn't get the form.

Strikes: 11


Number 6

It's fucking cold.

These days, I'm up to 4 layers when I leave my apartment. It's so cold, my eyes start crying without me even realizing. (It could be from the rage, but I'm like 99% certain it's the cold.)

Strikes: 15 (one strike for every layer)


Real Talk

Despite all these frustrating, mentally exhausting, when is my vacation, headache-inducing stress, some good things are happening too.

This year, I'm feeling the Christmas spirit. I feel unconditionally happy. I've gone to see Christmas lights and I'm even getting egg nog this year! I signed up to be a Santa Shopper for Samsungwon and doing a Secret Santa thing with my friends. (Which is wild, cuz I suck at shopping for people.) I'm also feeling all, 'let's share the Christmas joy' and want to bake Christmas cookies for my school and share my egg nog with them.

My Korean studies are moving along nicely. I have my big cumulative exam next week, and I'm not even nervous for it. I've made some good friends in that class. It's made the whole trip to Daegu every week more worthwhile. Though, after this test, I am switching back to self-study. I have come to realize that I'm actually pretty good at the self study bit, I just need to be more active in using what I learned. Cuz, yes, I can do it.

I've rekindled my passion for writing. I fully acknowledge that I want to write a book. Badly. No clue who would read it, beside my mom...s. (Yes, I recognize that I have more than one mom.) The funny thing is, what broken my writing hiatus that I've had since 2012 was the fact that I played the Sims4. The game has allowed me to visualize my stories, allowed me to play out various scenes, and when my Sims were on their own, give me plot twists that even leave me astonished.

I love myself. I'm not trying to sound self-absorbed, but I love myself. I really, really do. Finally, the relationship I've had with myself is turning for the better. I can finally see it. I'm pretty fucking amazing. I'm not sure when it all just...snapped into place. Maybe it was me acknowledging my real limits, a Christmas miracle, or I leveled up while I was sleeping, but it's beautiful.

I saw Frozen 2. I'm not going to talk about the songs, or the artwork, or the transformative "qualities" of the movie. What I am going to talk about is that for a solid minute or two, I was in literal body shaking, tears falling, hand slapping, mouth covering hysterics all because of a single snowman who likes warm hugs.

After this month, I have 7-ish months left until I leave Korea. It's a bittersweet thought. I've made a life here. My kids drive me up the wall, but I adore them as well.

And who knows...maybe...I'm just done with teaching in 7-ish months.

#SaveOurToya

아시다시피...

"For five minutes, five, there is no Korean. Only English. If I hear Korean, we restart."

These were the words my 5th grade class got to hear. And I don't know if it's because I've been teaching for almost 1.5 years, the silence/paying attention for once, or all the TEDx talks I've been listening to, but today's lesson went almost perfectly.

The only thing that didn't go well...I didn't get to finish some of the slides. But that's okay. I'll just put them to Friday's lesson as a review for today's lesson.

No sweat.

Yet, despite having a great teaching day so far (I've taught 2 classes, and that 1st class could've gone better, I also know it could've gone A LOT worse, which is why I'm taking my win, thank you very much), I cannot get away from the explosive anger I still feel from last Friday.

Now, before I tell you what happened, let me try to put this anger to words.

I'm not a person who gets angry often. I can be, and I have been, but generally you can see happiness when you see me. Of course, under all that happiness is my social anxiety, depression, and a lack of self-worth, but the point is, no anger.

I like to get along with everyone I meet, but that can be hard. Some people don't vibe well, or they have no interest in being on good terms.

And fair. I respect that.

Boundaries are important.

What I can't respect is blatant disrespect. I don't just get angry. I get pissed.

You may not see smoke coming out of my ears, my face glowing as a visually red thermometer effect is happening, or growls coming from the back of my throat, but I won't be silent.

Unlike some people. (Is this a dig a certain group of people? Oh yes. It is. Keep reading until the end to see who.)

Not sure if I successfully penned out my words, but I did say I would try.

Let's get into what happened.

On Friday, it was lunch time. And lunch time meant soccer. Of course, waiting to let your stomach settle...not exactly on anyone's mind. We were about to have fun.

I promised a student I would be on the pitch, finished up my lunch, and felt pretty relaxed as I hustled to my spot in the goal.

At first, things started off well. I mean, for elementary schoolers playing soccer, there's passing and not bad passes. I see a lot of potential on the field, but all that potential goes out of the window the second these kids started to feel inadequate, ignored, or some other word that starts with 'i' that has a negative connotation.

I may not be a soccer expert, but as someone who played the sport for 9-ish years, playing almost every position (but goalie, ironically), with soccer camps, tournaments, and various teams, I'm definitely proficient enough to understand how the sport goes.

And with soccer, what doesn't fly, is narcissistic bullshit.

Guess who brings their narcissistic bullshit on the pitch?

The school's "best player".

Now, guess who gets hurt by it?

Everybody. The other team, teammates, the "best player".

I don't know what's going on in this kid's life or what may have truly sparked the narcissism (I can guess all I want), but you bring this bullshit on the pitch, people are going to get hurt.

Emotionally.

Physically.

Which is what happened on Friday.

The "best player", in his effort to be first to the ball as this whole game wasn't going his way, was tripped by another child who is 4-5 years younger than him on accident. We all understand how young children are here to play and have fun and what do you mean my limbs don't function the way I want them too?

But our "best player", as he fell and cried on the ground like the best Italian player, he was also up off the ground in the blink of an eye and shoving his "attacker" to the ground and saying spiteful words.

I think I teleported to these kids' sides so fast I broke the sound barrier. And, as a bonus feature, my students got to see what happens when you push me too far. As a daughter of a retired veteran, I've experienced a few...let's call them "army tactics"...when it comes to showing your displeasure with someone without putting your hands on a person.

1) My voice dropped several octaves.
2) I got close.
3) I kept it curt.
4) I didn't blink.

Now...this also comes with an intimidation factor that one should use responsibly. Personally, I don't like using it on children. There are other ways to get correct behavior.

And yet...

*sigh*

In my guilt, I let the game finish. It was much more toned down, except now the "best player" was releasing their anger on me. (Rather me than someone 4-5 years younger than them.)

Five minutes later, I was messaging a friend if they could translate something for me. Between leaving the pitch and sitting at my desk, I realized that what had happened could've been avoided. Sure, I had spoken up in the past when I saw unfair play, but unfortunately, it sometimes happens.

I realized, I should've been more strict about it.

I realized, I couldn't play with people who couldn't respect the game, let alone each other.

Toya teacher...she was done playing soccer.

Until my students learn to respect each other and the game, they can bet I won't be on that pitch for a single second.

And you know what else?

I wasn't the only teacher playing soccer. There were three other adults, one actively playing with us, who didn't do a damn thing.

Not a single consequence, scolding (outside of mine), nothing.

Where is the accountability?

A lot of people already drop the ball where I am concerned, but the students? Don't drop their ball. Unlike our students, I don't need someone to teach me how to act. I've had my lessons. But these kids....they're still learning. Give them their boundaries. Give them their realities. Give them their responsibilities.

As you know,

#SaveOurToya

High Beginner...I guess?

A while ago, I wrote about reaching a goal point in my language learning. I also mentioned that I was starting up my Korean classes again.

I am officially two weeks into my classes and I already scored 100% on my first test.

My reward: getting popcorn at the movies tonight.

But I didn't just stop at signing up for classes. I also made a language exchange partner! We've met once and speak often on KakaoTalk, but it's still a relatively new relationship. I hope to write more about the experience later.

As to why I got an exchange partner...well, I kind of fell into it. It started with a conversation with a friend about their language acquisition, then downloading an app, and then posting like I was on Facebook, but with less memes and more Korean. Within two weeks of actively using the app, I made a few connections to various people for language exchange, but only one we've agreed to meeting a second time and committing to each other as exchange partners.

I'm really hoping that my speaking will improve. I can do a lot with textbooks, SMS, and Duolingo, but speaking isn't one of them. At work, I'm there to be an English teacher. At home, I want to be able to connect with other English speakers again.

However, a promised exchange is a bit of both worlds.

And so far...it's going great!

Let's just hope it stays that way...

#SaveOurToya

One Small Thing

If we've ever fallen into a discussion about bikes, you would know that I've always wanted to ride my bike into work.

And I've finally done it.

I don't care that it takes me 40 mins, one way.

Or that there's an incline the whole way in to work that you don't really notice except for in your legs.

I also don't care that it cuts into my lesson planning time I have in the morning because now I show up about 15 mins later than I do with the bus.

The time I have on my bike (a whole 40 minutes) before and after work are some of the quietest moments in my day. During that time, my mind only focuses on the road, my bike, and what nature has to offer during my rides.

I mean, look at the first two pictures! As the fog disappears and reveal the country-side! It's actually a really nice balance to my busy workload I have at work. It gets me to pause and just...relax.

It's the self-care I hadn't realized I needed.

Plus...while riding a bike, I get to work those legs muscles of mine. My bike has this goal, and I'm not mad with it.

Time to get these legs in shape!

At my current bike schedule, I do it three times a week. I didn't want to full on commit my whole week to my bike, as I feel that it may demotivated me. So, one of the two days is a rest day. The other one, also a rest day, but also...its the day I have to scoot my way to the big city for my Korean classes.

If I take in the time that I'm allowed to leave from work, can reach the bus terminal, lock my bike up, buy my ticket, early evening snack, and catch my bus...I'll be late for class.

And that's not gonna happen.

I am dedicated to learning Korean and I paid for these 12 classes. No way am I going to miss a single moment of it.

So, yeah. I enjoy riding my bike (when the weather permits) and it's helped in stabilizing my mood in unexpected ways.

#SaveOurToya

The Blue Screen

...of death.

Wasn't even the first thing I saw on my barely a year old laptop.

This is what I actually saw.

This traitor of a laptop decided to tell me, 'ooo gurl. We ain't got no hard disk.'

Now, as the smart and very capable person that I am, I answered, 'haha, you got jokes,'

My laptop did not have jokes. This was very real, and my hard drive was not working. I went to system diagnostics, I did the system test thing. Nada. Nothing.

We ain't got no hard disk.

Which meant a few things:

1) I'm about to spend money I had no plans on spending.
2) I needed to find a computer store (preferably one that spoke English)
3) I can't lesson plan.
4) I CAN'T LESSON PLAN. 

Some things needed to be repeated, and number three echoed in my head. At first, I thought it would be okay. I'm teaching at the same school for the second year. I'll be fine. Everything is mostly done anyways.

But then I got my final-final-final class schedule (it took a few tries to get it finalized for realsies) when my brain pointed out, 'ooo gurl. We got some new classes to prep for.'

It was not the same schedule as my first semester, unfortunately. I got 12 different classes. That's over half of my workload. And we ain't got no hard disk.

There was a small panic, not gonna lie. I flipped a bit.

Then Mom, awesome brilliant Mom reminded me I know people who could help me out. At least, on getting my laptop fixed. And while it was getting fixed, I realized, I could probably get my lesson planning done at work between my classes.

It's not the easiest. Lord have mercy on my exhausted brain, because it is a challenge to put lessons together in a busy office and dealing with potential racism. Trying to stay focused and work out what was happening around me and staying at 110% at all times was a juggling act I hadn't signed up for.

So, why not add Korean Language classes?

#SaveOurToya

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?!?!

See, there's an interesting answer to that.

And it's: nowhere...everywhere.

Wait, what?

Exactly. This last month has flown by (despite a few stagnant days) and during that time I have kept myself extremely busy, but I've also just been doing my thing in my little town.

I do have a few things I want to talk about, and I'll post those next; but to explain why I've been radio silent it all has to do with the fact that I've been surviving without a laptop for a whole month. 

That's right. 

No laptop.

I've also started up Korean classes again.

I have a language exchange partner, now.

I'm doing TikTok videos, or at least starting to...

Oh! And most recently...I've agreed to give a small talk at the next Fulbright Conference later this month.

It's been a hell of a month, and I expect nothing less during my birthday month. Between going to the Geochang Festival, riding my bike into work, typhoons, and potential racism at work, I've kept myself busy.

Keep an eye out as I update my blog on my latest truths!

#SaveOurToya

Ps. all the blue (or red!) words are links to other posts~!

Wait...I'm 26?

In Korea, your age is a little different than what you're used to when you come from a Western country. To put it simply, when you are born, you don't start with 'so and so months old', you are officially 1-year-old. My understanding of that reasoning is that the months spent in your mother's belly....well, they count too.

Now, I'm not going on to the topic of 'pro-life vs pro-choice', I am simply stating a fact on how your age is determined in Korea.

Therefore, as a person born in the lovely year of 1993 as I am, I am 27 years old in Korea.

And as my birthday was today (Sept 4th), I am 26 years old in the States.

However, as I live in Korea I give out my Korean age.

Talk about a shock to my system when someone told me 'happy 26th birthday' this morning. Well, that was after I read about someone else telling me to wish my dad a happy birthday first.

Now, to put that into context, let me explain. My dad and I don't share a birthday. His is the day before mine. We've never had an issue in all the 27...26 years I'd been alive.

Until now.

I wasn't pissed off or told the person off. I simply took a screenshot and sent it in the family group chat. And then...maybe I was a little petty. I redacted the person's name and photo on the screen, added the something along the lines of 'nothing like getting told to wish someone else happy birthday on your own birthday' and posted it to my Facebook stories. I didn't even care if that person saw it or not.

"But what about the time zones, Toya?"

What about them?

Personally, I find it a slap in the face when a person doesn't take the time to look into such matters. It's really not that difficult, ESPECIALLY with technology. I'm not asking for you to find the position of the sun and calculate the wind speed to find out the time difference (note: I have no clue how to ACTUALLY find out the time difference).

A simple 'hey google? What's the time difference between here and South Korea?" would suffice.

Hell, you could even message me and simply ask first, then write your message appropriately.

"Oh, I didn't realize it was your birthday afterwards!"

I'm not asking you, too. Though it may seem like it, I'm not. However, if you know my dad's, you should know mine. But on the off-chance you don't know my birthday, then I guess you should have my dad's number. Seeing as you can remember his birthday. Then you can call and message him directly. Or hell, message my mother...you know...his wife. Who is actually with him. Not the daughter who lives in South Korea.

Oh...is my pettiness showing?

You know what, no. This isn't pettiness. This is my irritation being vented out.

Fear not! My birthday wasn't all bad~!

My students made it memorable with their wild antics that were calmed down by their more shy classmates. I got a few presents and many well-wishes. I felt their love.

Truly.

After school, I had a goal of going to buy a blueberry cake. The bakery didn't have it, so I settled for a few baked goods that I brought home and enjoyed while watching my new Drama.

Despite how my morning started, my birthday ended pretty well!

#SaveOurToya

Year 2

A beautiful summer view of a Namsan trail

Clearly, it's been over a year since this blog's conception. During that time, I've had some wild and...not so wild adventures; many unforgettable memories to say the least.

Now, as some of you know, I've been a bit unsure of the SaveOurToya blog. My original vision just didn't seem like it would be a good fit anymore for year 2.

However, fret not!

My hot ride around Geochang

(That's right. I said, 'fret'.)

Year 2 won't be any less boring! In fact, it's going to be active.

So...so...active.

If you follow me on instagram (@SaveOurToya), you're well aware that I've started up running again.

A new fondness for archery
>__<!!!

And not just any ol'running. I'm training to run a 5k again. It's been over a year since my last 5k in June 2018, which hadn't focused on beating my PR. The run in June wasn't for breaking my record. It had been for a more personal matter. My best time had been earlier that year, where I'd almost run a complete 5k.

I remember feeling so proud of myself. Sure, I played soccer for roughly 8 years, but...I don't know. Being able to consistently run for that long of a distance without dying of suffocation was pretty fucking awesome for me. I was a lazy sports person back in my day.

I'm not even kidding. I could play a 90mins soccer game straight through, but tell me to go run a mile in gym and I hated everything.

I also remembered that on that day of my almost 100%-5k-run, I felt almost unstoppable in my journey to get fit.

And I want that feeling back.

So, here's to my new health goals!

Otter pond at 5:30am with mountains slowly peaking out
from the fog. 

1) Run a 5k in Korea. (If I can buy the damn ticket: Seoul Marvel Run 2019 this October.)
2) Lose 27kg/60lbs. (Already lost about 3kg/6lbs, but the first few are always the easiest to lose!)
3) Get 8 to 9 consistent hours of sleep. (I've struggled with this since high school, but I will win!)
4) Become part of the Geochang early af community. (I'm already greeted by some ahjummas with '굿모닝' and its the cutest thing.)

And my last goal...

Geochang at dusk

5) Officially drop 10 pants sizes from my biggest size in October 2017 (I've already dropped 6 since then, soooooo 4 more to go~!)

Just thinking about the journey I've started sometimes leaves me overwhelmed. I can best sum it up as: Toya = GAH!

Wish me luck, yall.

I'll need it.

#SaveOurToya

Where did it Go?

Where has the time gone?

One minute I was enjoying my time in Busan with friends and the next, I've started my second year in Korea with changes everywhere I look.

And with my second year, I've contemplated what I wanted to do with my blog. My original intention was to highlight my time in Fulbright/Korea, but now...I'm not sure what I want to post anymore. It's become a bit of a challenge.

I've contemplated a few things, like switching to a podcast or video format.

I guess this post is just a warning. A warning that I might be switching things up in the next few months.

Keep an eye out~!

#SaveOurToya