Be Fearless

I've gone back and forth on how to announce this. Should I just tell people as it pops up in conversation? Should I make a post on Facebook and call it a day. Should I only tell..etc.

Silly me.

I forgot I had a blog.

How did I forget? Well...I've been really busy that it slipped my mind.

It happens, okay?

I'd like to see anyone turn their life on its head and try to remember to keep everything straight.

That being said...

I am officially announcing that I have accepted a position stateside and that my time in Korea will come to an end on Feb 15th, 2020.

Below are some Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ) that have been thrown my way recently:

What does this mean? You, leaving?
It means I have one week to finish out the school year (which ends Feb 14), inform my school, pack up my apartment into 2 checked bags (50lbs ea.), say goodbye to friends, find an apartment, go through reverse culture shock, make an extra effort in my Korean studies, and who knows what else.

Through this process, as I have 5 days left until I leave, I've begun to see the realness in some people. For some it's not pretty, and for others, it's a warm feeling. Either way, it's a bitter-sweetness.

Why are you accepting the position?
Because the position I was offered is my dream position.

Where are you moving to? Back to Florida?
Haha, no. Florida and I have decided to see other people, but it was a mutual break up. I am moving to Iowa. I hear they have snow there these days?

What will you be doing?
Stuff.

What does your family think of you doing this?
They're happy for me. As in, very happy.

How does your school feel?
As in all of them? I don't know. I informed my VP this past Friday and she was very happy for me. My coteacher found out later that same day. (For anyone who is thinking of breaking contract, unless the relationship you established between your VP and coteacher is a dynamic where you go to the VP first, please don't do this. You will undermine your coteacher and it may cause you more stress as you prepare to go home.)

My coteacher is happy for me as well, but she has also told me that my departure saddens her. Besides my VP, she and her husband were the first people I met from my school/town. And it is sad to think that I won't see them anymore.

As for my students and the rest of the school staff. I'm not sure when they'll find out...but this last week promises to be an emotional one either way.

Did the racism at your school drive you to leave?
No, but it did help in saying 'yes' to the offer.

When did you start job searching?
In an effort to get started in finding a job for my return in July, I had started job searching at the end of November/beginning of December. The position I wanted is limited and doesn't stay posted for long. I wanted to have my best shot at hopefully obtaining at least a couple of interviews during my second semester.

Surprise of all surprises, I was called for an interview in late December. I was doubtful that I would get the position. After all...It's been a while since I did the whole interview song and dance. Plus, it was a phone interview from Korea. I was 3 hours passed my bed time before I was done. Sleepy interviews and out of practice aside, I must've done something right to look favorable to this office.

Are you excited?
Very much so! But I'm still in a bit of shock that it's happening.

What are you going to do in Iowa?
Figure that out in Iowa, BUT my parents, brother, and some friends have already informed me of what I can do.

I'm pretty sure they're all more excited than I am....

What about Korea?
When I said it was a hard decision to make the other day, I wasn't kidding. Korea was another dream of mine. But in the limited time that I had in making my decision, I realized my time in Korea has more or less come to an end. I was falling back into a pattern of suffering in certain areas of my time here. I was hiding my hurts behind the good and enough was enough.

It would be better if I left Korea with a fond memory and not a struggling one. Which was a fear I had.

Did you tell your school you were facing racism?
I did not.

And here's why. It was easier to go through the day without acknowledging it, then to bring it up. There's a delicate balance here that one constantly fights to keep. When it comes to English, I am considered an expert. But when it comes to social aspects, I'm simply the foreigner and just don't understand how Korean culture works.

I'll tell you this. If it's one thing a Korean national who LOOKS Korean will never understand it's what it is like as a foreigner within their own culture. Like I said...it's a delicate balance and this one person isn't worth the trouble.

Will you miss it?
Of course.

Will you go back?
Yes. I hope to come back in 2025 for vacation. 😎😆

What will happen to your blog?
Nothing??? Just because I leave Korea, doesn't mean my story ends. Sure...this blog was started in the spirit of recording my time here, but it's become much more since then. It's become a place where I am honest with myself and my experiences. My e-diary that I don't mind sharing.

How's your packing?

#SaveOurToya

Good Days DO Exist

Because not all days are shit days or 'wtf' situations, this post is proof that I also have good days.

And today...is a really good day.

It's finally hitting me that I've lost over 50lbs since my heaviest weight.

That's right!

FIFTY.

This hasn't been the easiest of accomplishments, but it is the most disbelieving ones I've made. It even outranks that I got a Fulbright to Korea. My weight-loss journey has been a cacophony of ups and downs and corkscrew turns. It comes as no surprise that it's taken me a week to believe the numbers I see on my scale.

I still hope to see more pounds shed as time goes by as I strive to reach my goal weight. I have another 42lbs to go, and they will go.

I've made that promise to myself.

No matter where life takes me this year, I will finally be at my goal weight come summer time. I have and will continue to overcome my bad eating habits and lazy decision making.  I will get myself out of my apartment for my morning walks. I won't let myself down.

Because 50lbs lighter has me feeling good.

Real good.

#SaveOurToya

Feb 2019 Thoughts (See how far I've come in a year)
1) Starring Toya
2) 영어선생님이에요
3) To My Precious Sixth Graders
4) Saturdays

Facebook Official

Did you know I was dating someone?

I sure as hell didn't.

Today at lunch I was asked if I had a boyfriend.

"No...why?"

"Really? Not even in America?"

"...no...?"

At this point, I was starting to second guess myself a little. Just a smidgen.

Like, did this person know something about my relationship status that I was not aware of? Am I about to discover that I have a creepy stalker person or something? Am I dating someone?

"Why do you ask?" I prodded for more information, putting my spoon down.

"Oh well...you've been wearing more makeup and dressing really nicely these days. I thought you had a boyfriend."

Pause.

What?

I have to have a boyfriend significant other to put more effort into my looks?

That...That's trash.

If I'm putting more effort into my looks it's because I'm doing it for myself and no one else. And surprise, surprise...I have more time in the mornings to get ready. In fact, I have about an actual hour of additional time for me to get ready instead of the rushed 10 minutes I used to have.

So, yeah. There's gonna be some eye-shadow and less dark circles (cuz I'm getting more sleep) when you look at my face. Glossy lips and a sweet smile. All because I'm taking care of myself!

Moral of the story here: I'm single and looking damn fine.

#SaveOurToya

*deep breath*

Y'all...I almost threw hands at work.

That is how angry I was. 

In an effort to stop myself from spitting venom and throwing hands, I had to mentally pull myself away from a burning rage.

Not even a full day back from vacation and the bullshit was back. I had hoped and truly believed that the time I took back at home had refueled my patience after a ROUGH semester.

Apparently, I was wrong.

As you know, last semester wasn't just rough. It really pushed me to my limits. There were times I felt raw and exposed, seconds away from sobbing at my desk. The disgusting sludge that came with racism, the helplessness as an unwanted bystander, and the irritation that comes with ghosting all played their roles in breaking me down. 

In all honesty, there were times I contemplated breaking my contract and going back home while wiping away my tears and figuring out how to deal with my frustrations. 

My vacation home was as much to see my parents as it was to take a break from all of this. I wanted to put myself back into a positive mental space and prove to myself that these next six months were going to be my best months in Korea.

Little did I know that day 1 of being back at work, I barely stopped myself from snapping.

And not just verbally. 

--*--*--

Okay...so here's what happened.

I'm talking to my co-teacher about next semester. My schedule was changing a little bit and I was expressing my concern about (yet again) putting such vastly different English levels in the same classroom. Will things change? Probably not. But I tried.

Our conversation then switched to another topic. Now...my co-teacher's English isn't the best. She's, in fact, the science teacher. Typically, your co-teacher would be the Korean English teacher; however, my small school only has me as an English teacher. I've adjusted and have become quite adept in understanding low-level English. 

My co-teacher was struggling to explain a legal change that is happening in my province and was lacking the sufficient vocabulary to get her point across. However, we were getting through it. 

But...it was during this conversation that a certain somebody decided to be rude as fuck. This same individual who I know is racist and I've done my best to ignore their presence, needed my co-teacher's attention. 

Since I face the staff room doors, I noticed when they walked in, calling for my co-teacher. Her head was down, focused on her phone. As my co-teacher decided to keep talking to me, I focused back on our conversation. 

Had that been it, I would've forgotten the whole situation.

But that wasn't it.

No.

This same somebody called for my co-teacher again, well aware the two of us were having a conversation. 

My co-teacher still kept speaking to me. At this point, I'm actually irritated. Do they not see my co-teacher is talking to me? Do they not see that it's not an easy conversation we're having? 

Do. They. Not. See?

Had that been it, I would've forgotten the whole situation after the weekend.

But that wasn't it.

No.

This same somebody continued to call for my co-teacher, walked over to us and started tapping her fingers on the desk cubicle. 

If I had looked away from my co-teacher, I don't know what would have happened, but I'm pretty sure whatever image my school has of me as 'Toya teacher' was going to be shattered.

Black women in America know what happens when we show our anger at work. We get labelled as 'aggressive', 'illogical', 'ignorant', 'hostile', etc. Never are we 'justified' or 'in the right'. Nope. We have to learn to keep our anger leashed if we want to be taken seriously.

If I had looked away from my co-teacher, it would've started with a 'do you fucking mind?' to...

It is now the following Monday. 

I took the weekend to calm down. There were some flare ups, but I've processed it.

I don't know what I'll do when the BS happens again, but there is one thing that I do know after everything that has happened.

As of today, I only have 23 weekends left of my contract and I don't need this mess to hold me down. 

Let's see what havoc I can unleash between now and my goodbyes.

#SaveOurToya

My Mini Vacation

It's the end of January 2020, and let's all be honest with ourselves...this first month had a lot of surprises.

Probably the most constant on people's minds right now: the Coronavirus

Affectionately called, the beer virus.

Okay, fine!

No one calls it that except for me. (Maybe...?)

I can't be the only one who thought "...like the beer?" when they first heard of it.

As a reminder, there's a lot of misinformation floating around between Karen on Facebook, clickbait headlines, and word of mouth. Your best sources during this 'international public health emergency' is the World Health Organization (WHO) and the Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). I've also included a video below from Dr. Mike where he talks about the truth of Coronavirus as of January 28th, 2020. He cites his sources and he's a qualified, practicing doctor in New York, USA.

It's been a few days since this video was released and more information about the virus is being learned. Like Dr. Mike said, 'be alert, not anxious'.

This virus was a bit of a concern for me as I was actually traveling as the news was breaking. On Jan 18th, 2020, I was boarding my flight to Florida to visit my parents. I hardly told anyone of my trip as it was originally supposed to be a surprise for my parents.

And while I did tell them on Christmas, I still kept it to a small group of people. While I owe no one an explanation as to why I kept it secret, I still felt I needed to explain myself.

So listen up.

My trip home was not to meet and greet. It was to see my parents. Period.

That's it.

If I ran into people I knew, that's great. If not, well...that's fine. I shouldn't have been stateside to begin with.

I spent 10 days stateside where I learnt something about myself that I hadn't expected.

Florida...I think we should see other people.

That's right! I am breaking up with Florida. During those 10 days, I remembered what it was like living there and while good memories were there, so were the bad.

This last year and a half has changed me for the better and Florida...Florida hasn't changed at all. The me now, can't live where the me of the past was.

While some may be sadden to hear this, it is simply my truth. I will not ignore my truth and will take steps to ensure my continued happiness is number one as I make preparations for my return to America.

Wild...isn't it?

I'm on my last 6 months in Korea...before my trip home...it didn't feel real. The fact that I am leaving in a few months. Since I landed, I now hear the clock ticking down.

It was time I started getting everything ready for my return home, while enjoying everything that is Korea.

As always,
#SaveOurToya

The Bystander and the Victim

Ever find yourself in a situation where you have no idea what is going on, but you know you should do something?

Say something?

That happened to me this past weekend. 

At first, I didn't do anything, because I couldn't figure out what I could do. According to Wikipedia's Bystander Effect page, "[t]he bystander effect, or bystander apathy, is a social psychological claim  that individuals are less likely to offer help to a victim when other people are present; the greater the number of bystanders, the less likely it is that one of them will helps". There are many factors that contribute to becoming a bystander. 

A couple of such factors happen to be ambiguity and diffusion of responsibility, and that's what I had to struggle with Saturday night.

What I saw was a well-dressed, emotionally unstable woman (crying, shoving people away) sitting on the ground, surrounded by a group of men.

So badly, I wanted to jump in, ask her if she was okay. But I couldn't.

It wasn't like we were in a dark alley way or some remote location. We were on one of the main roads with heavy traffic. Many people were walking by and were clearly watching what was going on.

And unlike myself, they understood what everyone was saying. 

I had no idea as to what was going on and I didn't know what options I had as a foreigner. You hear enough horror stories that when a foreigner is involved, they get blamed almost automatically. In situations like these, you feel powerless. 

So...so...powerless. 

My friends and I came back later to see what was going on, during that time, I told myself I would ask my school what I should do in those situations moving forward.

Instead of hearing about actions I could make, I heard victim-blaming. 

"That area is known for such things. Very common occurrence."

"A young woman, right?"

"She probably drank a lot."

"She gave herself to a demon."

The fact I wasn't asked, 'what was she wearing?' was an almost bigger shock than what I was hearing.

I was hoping to hear solutions!

Not....this.

But you know what else I noticed? Grand scheme after I worked through my reaction, I wasn't actually that surprised. I was more so effected by how blatant the victim-blaming was compared to the usual underhanded tactics that happen in my day to day.

The crap that once happened in my classroom in the Fall of 2018 was much worse than the stuff that happens now. Why? Because I nip it in the bud as soon as I notice something is going down or about to happen.

I've gotten really good at snapping my student's names out. Especially when it's not their nicknames. I'm not afraid to kick a student out of my classroom or give punishment tasks. I would have them scrubbing cauldrons in a heartbeat if this were Hogwarts!

When I hear them go, 'so and so did this', I am quick to have them do their own self-reflection. So-and-so may have done something annoying, but you're the one attempting to hit, kick, or throw their stuff out of the classroom.

Eye for a tooth, and tooth for an eye, any kind of revenge is not tolerated.

Maybe I'm playing hardball here because my classroom is something I can at least pretend I have control over.

I hope my students are learning/seeing what it means to take part and standing up when things aren't going right. Of course, they don't see that I'm floundering about on my best and worst days.

Perhaps a 'see something, say something' lesson is needed.

I don't know...

What I do know is that being powerless sucks.

#SaveOurToya

There's a List

Strap yourselves in boys and girls and people. It's been a couple of weeks since I last posted and who knows what craziness I'm about to impart upon you today.

Best to get the big things out of the way, shall we?



Number 1 (and yes, we have a list.)

Who da fuck spilled coffee on my desk?

It sure as hell wasn't me. I don't drink the hot bean water. To be frank, it's not my cup of tea. (hehe...get it?)

So someone, who I don't know but am quite certain drinks coffee, was sitting at my desk and had a little "oopsie". Thankfully, nothing important got ruined. Just some of my scrap paper that I like to reuse cuz I'm all eco-friendly that way.

But still.

Someone spilled coffee and didn't have the nerve to tell me.

Strike(s): 1


Number 2

Why wasn't I told my class were cancelled?

I'm used to being told the morning of my classes if they were going to be cancelled. After a year of it happening randomly (for me, not so random for everyone else), you build up a casual acceptance of, 'ah...okay'. And if a class is cancelled, it's not the end of the world. You can just move your lesson plan to the next time you have that class. Even if you had a themed event that you really wanted to share with your students because of a holiday, and it really shouldn't be moved, but here we are? Yeah. I know how to roll with the punches, even then.

But when it comes to one of my students informing me the period right before the 'cancelled' class and my co-teacher saying nothing, I have some problems.

I go to confront said teacher, and she goes, 'oh right! Yes, but not really. Only 7th period. It's a chicken party that we knew of for the last two weeks. You will be teaching during 8th period.'

Guess who didn't teach 8th period either...

Strikes: 3 (they got 2 strikes, for the double cancellation)


Number 3

Yesterday, I learned of something worse than last minute class cancellations. Last minute class additions.

Y'all...let me tell you how I work.

Because I've found a self-love for myself during that fuck-up of a time from a few months ago, I no longer bring my work home. Almost everything is done between work hours. Per my contract, that's a total of 40 hours. 22 of those hours, I am teaching (if classes aren't cancelled), and the other 18 are left for lesson planning.

Now, my lesson planning is down to a fine art. I don't prep a week in advance. I wish I could, but I don't. I lesson plan within 24-48 hours before the class.

Why?

Because I want to have taught the class beforehand to understand what needs to be worked on in the next class. Or hey, maybe we didn't get as far as I hoped to and can be less stressed as I ctrl+c and ctrl+v for a hot second.

Or in much, much simpler terms.

If my class is on Wednesday, I start planning on Monday and finialize by the end of my last free period on Tuesday.

Apparently, the teachers in my school thought, 'oh Toya's more than prepared. She always is. Let's just shift 2 classes forward, so now she's teaching 4 class this morning, and she should've already have been in her first class ten minutes ago. She's got this.'

To say I didn't have a mini-freak out and questioned my life choices would be a dirty, dirty lie.

I showed up, 15 mins late to my first (SURPRISE) class. Instead of giving them a proper lesson, we got to watch the wholesome movie Klaus on Netflix. Happy Holidays, y'all.

My other surprise class, I couldn't prepare for either but I showed up on time (small win!). I was still teaching my normal class schedule and those classes sat between my first surprise class and my second surprise class. Aka, no free time. They got to finish watching their semester movie and start watching Home Alone. "Merry Christmas, you filthy animals."

Strikes: 6


Number 4

Since my Wednesday schedule was thrown out of wack, for the last 5 hours, I have been finalizing 4 separate exams that my students will be taking in two weeks. You know, instead of spreading it over two days, alongside lesson planning for the next day, it got all packed into today.

I knew, at some point, that switch inside of me flipped. You know the one.

The fuck it switch.

Grade 3 and 4, sure as hell better be thankful, because Grade 5 and 6, that test is playing hardball. It's the type of test written by those teachers you hear about throughout your entire academic career. The teacher who "won't take your shit, so be sure to do it right the first time".

I meet with my coteacher tomorrow to discuss the exams. Unless there's an error, I'm not feeling to kind to making changes.

That may make me a bad teacher, but the hand-holding needed to stop at some point.  Why not for a competition test that these kids should have been preparing themselves for for the last three months?

Strikes: 10


Number 5

Now, let's rewind to Monday. It's only the second day of December. I was feeling pretty good. No mystery coffee, no cancelled class, no added classes, and no test finalizing.

My classes for the day were prepped on Friday and I had the drafts finished for the big tests done too. My weekend was solid (for once in a really, really, really long time) and I haven't had to deal with any racist bullshit.

The only thing I had to really be concerned about was my Korean test the following evening.

Then my co-teacher showed up and was asking for the Winter Camp lesson plans (that were never requested for until just now).

Which were not done. I had a stickie note of a rough outline, but nothing to be submitted.

So, I asked when she would like it.

Joker had the thought to have them due today. As in, the day the four big exams were due.

I think something in me knew. It just knew, "Don't you fucking agree, La Toya."

I didn't. I asked for it to be due the following week.

Thankfully, she agreed.

Unfortunately, I didn't get the form.

Strikes: 11


Number 6

It's fucking cold.

These days, I'm up to 4 layers when I leave my apartment. It's so cold, my eyes start crying without me even realizing. (It could be from the rage, but I'm like 99% certain it's the cold.)

Strikes: 15 (one strike for every layer)


Real Talk

Despite all these frustrating, mentally exhausting, when is my vacation, headache-inducing stress, some good things are happening too.

This year, I'm feeling the Christmas spirit. I feel unconditionally happy. I've gone to see Christmas lights and I'm even getting egg nog this year! I signed up to be a Santa Shopper for Samsungwon and doing a Secret Santa thing with my friends. (Which is wild, cuz I suck at shopping for people.) I'm also feeling all, 'let's share the Christmas joy' and want to bake Christmas cookies for my school and share my egg nog with them.

My Korean studies are moving along nicely. I have my big cumulative exam next week, and I'm not even nervous for it. I've made some good friends in that class. It's made the whole trip to Daegu every week more worthwhile. Though, after this test, I am switching back to self-study. I have come to realize that I'm actually pretty good at the self study bit, I just need to be more active in using what I learned. Cuz, yes, I can do it.

I've rekindled my passion for writing. I fully acknowledge that I want to write a book. Badly. No clue who would read it, beside my mom...s. (Yes, I recognize that I have more than one mom.) The funny thing is, what broken my writing hiatus that I've had since 2012 was the fact that I played the Sims4. The game has allowed me to visualize my stories, allowed me to play out various scenes, and when my Sims were on their own, give me plot twists that even leave me astonished.

I love myself. I'm not trying to sound self-absorbed, but I love myself. I really, really do. Finally, the relationship I've had with myself is turning for the better. I can finally see it. I'm pretty fucking amazing. I'm not sure when it all just...snapped into place. Maybe it was me acknowledging my real limits, a Christmas miracle, or I leveled up while I was sleeping, but it's beautiful.

I saw Frozen 2. I'm not going to talk about the songs, or the artwork, or the transformative "qualities" of the movie. What I am going to talk about is that for a solid minute or two, I was in literal body shaking, tears falling, hand slapping, mouth covering hysterics all because of a single snowman who likes warm hugs.

After this month, I have 7-ish months left until I leave Korea. It's a bittersweet thought. I've made a life here. My kids drive me up the wall, but I adore them as well.

And who knows...maybe...I'm just done with teaching in 7-ish months.

#SaveOurToya

Is it Racism?

UPDATED: 10/07/2019

Lately, I've been thinking about the privilege those in my school have. I can't say that I know their lives or what they've been through, but what I can say...they don't know what it's like to be African-American.

Korea is a pre-dominantly homogeneous society, surrounded by countries that are closer to their own characteristics. According to The Korea Times, a little over 3% of the population are foreigners back in 2016. Now, how much of that 3% are of non-Asian descent, or can't be considered 'passing'. As you can see, when you're not Asian, you stick out.

There's no hiding your foreignness.

And for the most part, I've been chill with it. Maybe because I'm a minority back home, or maybe because I'm a minority within my own minority. It's not often I come across half African-American and half German babies like myself. However, within America, we have started the discussion about the 'p' word.

Privilege.

Within American society, there are people who deny its existence. Their reasoning: I've never seen it.

And to no one's surprise, those who've never seen it are also the same ones who have it.

Being privileged in America is like having that famed hall pass. Here, let me explain.

Picture a regular school hallway. Add some lockers, school banners, questionable color schemes, everything that can come to mind when you think 'school hallway'. It's empty of course, as it's class time. Everyone is doing what they're supposed to, or attempting to, within their classrooms. Each classroom has their own rules and codes they have to adhere to, but they all follow the overall school rule of hall passes.

Hall passes allow you to be out of your classroom and walk through the empty hallways per the teacher's reasons. Those reasons can range from bathroom permissions or bringing something to the office. Maybe, it's to run a message to another teacher or go to the infirmary. The hall pass leaves you free from suspicion from the hall monitor that is roaming around the school ensuring order in the hallways.

After all, there are rules!

No one in the halls during class time.

Rules that can be bypassed with a hall pass.

Unless you have a hall pass.

And that's what it's like to have privilege. Someone in power bestows upon you this 'hall pass' at their discretion.

So, what does privilege look like in Korea?

In simpler terms, it looks like a successful Korean man who went to a SKY university, speaks Korean and (American) English who is rich. The way Korean culture has blossomed, has given a traditional importance to social hierarchy within language, both verbal and physical. It's been an interesting time learning the different levels of speaking formally and how to behave when drinking with coworkers.

These social norms have become such a part of my day to day, that I even reflect them when acting with other foreigners. Two hands when pouring them a drink, using casual polite speech when speaking Korean, bowing, etc.

That being said, recently I've been seeing behavior that leaves me...at a loss.

At first, I thought it was 'shyness'.

This person is new to the school and I'm clearly not Korean. It's common to come across many Koreans who are shy to interact with foreigners for a multitude of reasons. I'm not here to judge those reasons and do my best to understand them. I know what it's like to be surrounded by a multitude of cultures, skin colors, and languages. To judge someone not accustomed to such would be in bad taste.

Which is why I do my best to seem inviting. Kind smile, always a 'hello'- polite acknowledgement, really.

But after a couple of months with behavior turning from what appeared like 'shyness' to 'potential racism', I had to take a step back and look at my situation.

Am I quick to throw racism onto the situation? Is it my race that is causing them concern?

Well, I don't know.

So, then I tried to look at behavior. Always having their back to me, avoiding me, never responding to 'hello' in English or Korean, not eating lunch at the same time (anymore), and catching tale end furtive looks. I've seen polite friendliness change to instant disinterest when they realize they're talking to a foreigner.

That last one is what's stopping me from saying 'racism', but 'xenophobia'. I think this person has a dislike for 'foreign'.

So, why did I think racism, first?

Because that same person who gets to ignore me has had the freedom to be Korean in Korea, where they wouldn't be labeled as criminal simply because you were black. They don't know what it's like to be afraid of the police, that any stop could be your last stop. They didn't inherit the fear, anger, and distrust that I and all my brothers and sisters did.

My coworker has the privilege to act the way the do, not worried about how I would perceive it. To them, it may just seem they're giving an air of dislike, but to me...it's the attitude of a racist.

This person is not only xenophobic, but a racist.

This whole experience has soured my attitude a bit about teaching at my school. Being isolated is common in teaching abroad experiences, and some days it's harder than others. To counteract it, I've found my own ways to settle the feelings of segregation (and ain't that a smack in the face from the past).

And they were going well, until this latest mind-fuck.

#SaveOurToya

The Blue Screen

...of death.

Wasn't even the first thing I saw on my barely a year old laptop.

This is what I actually saw.

This traitor of a laptop decided to tell me, 'ooo gurl. We ain't got no hard disk.'

Now, as the smart and very capable person that I am, I answered, 'haha, you got jokes,'

My laptop did not have jokes. This was very real, and my hard drive was not working. I went to system diagnostics, I did the system test thing. Nada. Nothing.

We ain't got no hard disk.

Which meant a few things:

1) I'm about to spend money I had no plans on spending.
2) I needed to find a computer store (preferably one that spoke English)
3) I can't lesson plan.
4) I CAN'T LESSON PLAN. 

Some things needed to be repeated, and number three echoed in my head. At first, I thought it would be okay. I'm teaching at the same school for the second year. I'll be fine. Everything is mostly done anyways.

But then I got my final-final-final class schedule (it took a few tries to get it finalized for realsies) when my brain pointed out, 'ooo gurl. We got some new classes to prep for.'

It was not the same schedule as my first semester, unfortunately. I got 12 different classes. That's over half of my workload. And we ain't got no hard disk.

There was a small panic, not gonna lie. I flipped a bit.

Then Mom, awesome brilliant Mom reminded me I know people who could help me out. At least, on getting my laptop fixed. And while it was getting fixed, I realized, I could probably get my lesson planning done at work between my classes.

It's not the easiest. Lord have mercy on my exhausted brain, because it is a challenge to put lessons together in a busy office and dealing with potential racism. Trying to stay focused and work out what was happening around me and staying at 110% at all times was a juggling act I hadn't signed up for.

So, why not add Korean Language classes?

#SaveOurToya

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?!?!

See, there's an interesting answer to that.

And it's: nowhere...everywhere.

Wait, what?

Exactly. This last month has flown by (despite a few stagnant days) and during that time I have kept myself extremely busy, but I've also just been doing my thing in my little town.

I do have a few things I want to talk about, and I'll post those next; but to explain why I've been radio silent it all has to do with the fact that I've been surviving without a laptop for a whole month. 

That's right. 

No laptop.

I've also started up Korean classes again.

I have a language exchange partner, now.

I'm doing TikTok videos, or at least starting to...

Oh! And most recently...I've agreed to give a small talk at the next Fulbright Conference later this month.

It's been a hell of a month, and I expect nothing less during my birthday month. Between going to the Geochang Festival, riding my bike into work, typhoons, and potential racism at work, I've kept myself busy.

Keep an eye out as I update my blog on my latest truths!

#SaveOurToya

Ps. all the blue (or red!) words are links to other posts~!

Wait...I'm 26?

In Korea, your age is a little different than what you're used to when you come from a Western country. To put it simply, when you are born, you don't start with 'so and so months old', you are officially 1-year-old. My understanding of that reasoning is that the months spent in your mother's belly....well, they count too.

Now, I'm not going on to the topic of 'pro-life vs pro-choice', I am simply stating a fact on how your age is determined in Korea.

Therefore, as a person born in the lovely year of 1993 as I am, I am 27 years old in Korea.

And as my birthday was today (Sept 4th), I am 26 years old in the States.

However, as I live in Korea I give out my Korean age.

Talk about a shock to my system when someone told me 'happy 26th birthday' this morning. Well, that was after I read about someone else telling me to wish my dad a happy birthday first.

Now, to put that into context, let me explain. My dad and I don't share a birthday. His is the day before mine. We've never had an issue in all the 27...26 years I'd been alive.

Until now.

I wasn't pissed off or told the person off. I simply took a screenshot and sent it in the family group chat. And then...maybe I was a little petty. I redacted the person's name and photo on the screen, added the something along the lines of 'nothing like getting told to wish someone else happy birthday on your own birthday' and posted it to my Facebook stories. I didn't even care if that person saw it or not.

"But what about the time zones, Toya?"

What about them?

Personally, I find it a slap in the face when a person doesn't take the time to look into such matters. It's really not that difficult, ESPECIALLY with technology. I'm not asking for you to find the position of the sun and calculate the wind speed to find out the time difference (note: I have no clue how to ACTUALLY find out the time difference).

A simple 'hey google? What's the time difference between here and South Korea?" would suffice.

Hell, you could even message me and simply ask first, then write your message appropriately.

"Oh, I didn't realize it was your birthday afterwards!"

I'm not asking you, too. Though it may seem like it, I'm not. However, if you know my dad's, you should know mine. But on the off-chance you don't know my birthday, then I guess you should have my dad's number. Seeing as you can remember his birthday. Then you can call and message him directly. Or hell, message my mother...you know...his wife. Who is actually with him. Not the daughter who lives in South Korea.

Oh...is my pettiness showing?

You know what, no. This isn't pettiness. This is my irritation being vented out.

Fear not! My birthday wasn't all bad~!

My students made it memorable with their wild antics that were calmed down by their more shy classmates. I got a few presents and many well-wishes. I felt their love.

Truly.

After school, I had a goal of going to buy a blueberry cake. The bakery didn't have it, so I settled for a few baked goods that I brought home and enjoyed while watching my new Drama.

Despite how my morning started, my birthday ended pretty well!

#SaveOurToya

Year 2

A beautiful summer view of a Namsan trail

Clearly, it's been over a year since this blog's conception. During that time, I've had some wild and...not so wild adventures; many unforgettable memories to say the least.

Now, as some of you know, I've been a bit unsure of the SaveOurToya blog. My original vision just didn't seem like it would be a good fit anymore for year 2.

However, fret not!

My hot ride around Geochang

(That's right. I said, 'fret'.)

Year 2 won't be any less boring! In fact, it's going to be active.

So...so...active.

If you follow me on instagram (@SaveOurToya), you're well aware that I've started up running again.

A new fondness for archery
>__<!!!

And not just any ol'running. I'm training to run a 5k again. It's been over a year since my last 5k in June 2018, which hadn't focused on beating my PR. The run in June wasn't for breaking my record. It had been for a more personal matter. My best time had been earlier that year, where I'd almost run a complete 5k.

I remember feeling so proud of myself. Sure, I played soccer for roughly 8 years, but...I don't know. Being able to consistently run for that long of a distance without dying of suffocation was pretty fucking awesome for me. I was a lazy sports person back in my day.

I'm not even kidding. I could play a 90mins soccer game straight through, but tell me to go run a mile in gym and I hated everything.

I also remembered that on that day of my almost 100%-5k-run, I felt almost unstoppable in my journey to get fit.

And I want that feeling back.

So, here's to my new health goals!

Otter pond at 5:30am with mountains slowly peaking out
from the fog. 

1) Run a 5k in Korea. (If I can buy the damn ticket: Seoul Marvel Run 2019 this October.)
2) Lose 27kg/60lbs. (Already lost about 3kg/6lbs, but the first few are always the easiest to lose!)
3) Get 8 to 9 consistent hours of sleep. (I've struggled with this since high school, but I will win!)
4) Become part of the Geochang early af community. (I'm already greeted by some ahjummas with '굿모닝' and its the cutest thing.)

And my last goal...

Geochang at dusk

5) Officially drop 10 pants sizes from my biggest size in October 2017 (I've already dropped 6 since then, soooooo 4 more to go~!)

Just thinking about the journey I've started sometimes leaves me overwhelmed. I can best sum it up as: Toya = GAH!

Wish me luck, yall.

I'll need it.

#SaveOurToya

Goal Point~!

Just now...I finished Mango Languages' Basic Korean unit, and I can't even contain how I feel right now! I had to rush to SaveOurToya and talk about this!!!

I don't know about you, but when it comes to language studying, it's hard to stay committed. It is so easy to just....stop studying, because of xyz reason. It happens. Alot.

Without fail.

At least it did for me. (Still does, who am I kidding.)

Anyways. 

My goal when I came to Korea was to be at an intermediate level where I could have at least casual conversations with people.

And while what I do when I talk to be people isn't comfortable or even casual, I'm still having conversations! (I swear, this one taxi driver....every morning, he's trying to pull me into conversation about one thing or another.) However, I don't know if I could be considered at an 'intermediate level' right now. Perhaps a 'high beginner'?

That being said and having accomplished this one goal, one of many that I have for learning Korean...it is time that I switch my studying up again. (Can't stick to one resource, after all~!) Despite the exhaustion I have thinking about it, I am going to commit to taking Korean lessons at the YMCA in Daegu, once again, starting in September.

I look forward to seeing how my Korean will improve by the time Christmas comes around! Who knows, maybe I'll be able to write a post in Korean?

#SaveOurToya

GoodBye

Isn't saying goodbye one of the hardest things to get through?

All these feelings and memories popping up as you say goodbye not giving you a moments' peace.

Ugh.

It's getting harder and harder to write this post.

Apparently, I still haven't found my voice.

Now, this post isn't even a 'see you later' goodbye, but a 'I don't know when I'll ever see you again' goodbye. And I am literally the WORST at those kinds of goodbyes.

I never know what I'm supposed to say or do. I'm like that person who will go for the high five when you go for the fist-bump.

Oh dear god.

I'm that awkward parent trope that's trying to stay woke.

I know I act like a retired grandma who is 100% done with people's shit and wondering when I get my next nap, but really? Have I truly made it to the point that I can't do social interactions anymore?

**DEEP BREATH**

Okay. I can do this.

This post is about goodbyes.

This week, a majority of the Fulbright 2018-19 cohort are going home, saying goodbye to their time in Korea and hello to their next part in life. It's a kind of...bittersweet change. Though I wasn't very travel or social heavy like the rest of my cohort (retired grumpy grandma, remember?), it's still odd to think that after this week, they won't be in the country to reach out to. Those 79 people that survived an 8-week Orientation with, not crossing a river boundary, reluctantly obeying FEP dress regulation DESPITE the heat, battling for the washer and dryers, and enjoying soju outside the nearby 7/11s.

Mentioned in an earlier post, I described how I was at a loss of words during this transitioning time.

I'm still clearly affected, but...I can feel that I'm also just so much closer to my voice for the coming year.

On August 19th, 2018, I wrote about 79 goodbyes and 80 hellos. I wished my cohort all the best during their time in Korea. Now, as it closes out for most of them, I wish to extend similar well -wishes to them as they move to their next journey.

To those who are renewing a second year like I am, may this second year be just as fantastic (if not more) than our first year!

And to the new first years...may you forge new memories that you may never forget!

#SaveOurToya

Never Ending Semester

You ever get to the point where you would stare into a coat closet for a good long moment, wondering why you couldn't find your mug?

No?

Well dang.

Guess it's just me.

Now, I suppose saying I'm tired is a bit of an understatement, no?

And look, I've checked my sleeping patterns (technology is cool like that) and it's not that I'm tired.

So, what is it?

Well...can someone explain to me how it is almost July and I'm still teaching? How am I not on summer break? How did I fall into this situation where I will still be teaching all the way up to August?

Y'all. I'm not tired. I'm exhausted, in that way that I need a vacation to recharge and not a good night's rest.

Not too sure how I'm still functioning right now.

No, wait....

Am I even "functioning"?

Coat closets don't hold mugs.

Working through this exhaustion has been a noticeable challenge. I'm putting it up there with the senioritis I was internally crying through during Grad School. But like the last two years, I wouldn't give it up. There's been some good moments this last month that I wouldn't give up either.

Fresh veggies from the school farm.

Homemade yogurt.

Laughing like no ones watching.

New friends.

Makes me wonder where I'll be this time next year. Will I be looking in the copier for my mug or will I grab it from its actual location that its always in?

This semester may be never ending in an almost painful way, but its also been a time for me to enjoy the small moments that I used to let pass me by. In 3 days, June will be over and it will officially be July. My second year in Korea will officially start as the clock starts ticking down to the finish line.

As I said in a Facebook post, I hope to keep this blog going and talk more about my adventures and the awesome people that I have met and will meet.

Just gotta get through another month of teaching before I can be on vacation!

Oh, and before I forget.

My mug was on my desk...

#SaveOurToya

It's Funny

Funny, but in that ironic sense of way. A few days ago, I was wondering if I should post something before the end of the month, to give March one more post, but thought against it. I don't like posting to just post.

I prefer to have something of sustenance go up. Something that will give me a good insight to what I was thinking about, without having to flex my brain very hard later down the road, wondering what was going through my mind.

Ah, what can I say, I'm lazy and I embrace it. 

Now, back to the irony of it all. 

Yesterday, someone mentioned that they've been meaning to write again, and really wanted to, but just...[insert half arm flail here...you know the one]. 

My response had been not to stress it. A writing piece will come when it comes. 

Not even 24 hours later, and here I am.

Last night, I was faced with a small anxiety attack that made me question why I wanted to stay in Korea for a second year. Holy hell that had been uncomfortable. I felt clamy and discomfort in my own skin. In my own bed. The moment you're uncomfortable in your own bed, is the moment you know you're not doing well.

It was my bed.

The one place I don't have to be anyone. I can just be a blob of exhaustion and still sass people from the tips of my fingers. The bed is a sacred place. 

And yet because of one 아저시, I was in an unsettled place, because of him and my trash. 

It sounds silly, doesn't it?

An anxiety attack because of the fucking trash.

*sigh*

I don't want to invalidate my experience, by saying it shouldn't have happened. That I am embarrassed by such a tumble of emotions to the point that I will discredit my experience. 

It's so hard though!

I'm internally struggling to find a balance between acknowledging what happened and avoiding it. 

Which is probably why I am writing this post now. 

I am acknowledging that my thoughts spiraled downward so fast any Korean would be proud at the speed. I went from, 'taking my trash out!' to 'did that man just grunt at me?' to 'wait, my trash DOESN'T go here? Well, where the hell does it go?' to 'there's no place for my trash, my life is going to turn into a trash dump...literally' to 'fuck, why is this guy such a dick?'. 

And as I was climbing into bed, to fall asleep for the night, bam! 

Anxiety showed it's ugly head.

The only way, I was able to settle down enough to fall into a restless sleep was by giving myself a game plan for the next day. I would go into work, speak to my co-teacher about the trash, and have her call the building owner. I was going to get my confirmation of where to put the stupid trash, so my life won't physically reflect what it sometimes feels like. 

And guess what I found this morning on my way into work.

Exactly.

I went through all of that last night, for basically nothing. 

Oh wait. I think I'm getting ahead of myself a little. 

Remember the 아저시? For those who don't speak Korean, it translates to a man who is between the age of 40 to 60. He was out smoking his cigarette and saw me drop off the trash at the 'not your spot'. I barely looked at him, mostly focused on my audio-book, when I heard random grunting noises over the narrator. I turned around and he starts talking. 

"Do you live in that building? Yes? Then, you can't put your trash here. Your trash site doesn't exist? It's there. Just look around for it. This place is for this building. Not yours. You understand? Good. This is not for your building."

That's pretty much the gist of what he said, as he points around with his cigarette. It was a surreal experience, that I was able to understand as much as I did, not freak out, and was even able to negotiate that I could leave my trash there for the evening.

I, personally, did not understand why it really mattered, it's all going to the same place on the same garbage truck...but anyways, yeah. Negotiating trash location without freaking out, I counted it as a win.

The freaking out was saved for later.

Now, here I am, sitting at work, well aware of where my trash goes, wondering why I wasn't told about the trash spot to begin with? 

Oh wait. I'm a foreigner. 

#SaveOurToya

Spring - 봄

Small confession time.

I submitted a small piece to Infusion, Fulbright Korea's magazine. Per it's about section, "[t]he magazine aims to capture the diversity of the Fulbright Korea experience by publishing work from Fulbright Korea senior scholars, junior researchers, English teaching assistants, and program alumni".

Though I aimed to see my name in print, I'd been offered the opportunity for a web publication. Which is still a fantastic opportunity!

My editor and I worked on my piece I titled "Spring - 봄" for a little over a week. Between our teaching schedules, life schedules, and sleep schedules, we were able to create the piece below. I want to give a special thanks to Kyle, for seeing my piece's potential and helping it bloom.

Unfortunately, it wasn't published online. But that's okay. You win some, you lose some.

However, fortunately for me, I have an online platform that allows me to publish whatever I want.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Springtime is for new beginnings and cleaning up the hot messes you’ve carried through your life the previous year.

As 2019 began to trickle in, I noticed bits of 2018 overflowing into the new year.

And the thing is?

I felt every moment of it.

I'm pretty sure most, if not all of us can summarize 2018 exhaustively as, 'What the what?'

Not to worry, I'm not about to relive 2018. I'm talking about new beginnings, remember? While others are busy spring cleaning and getting ready for the next year, Fulbrighters in Korea are focused on whether they choose to renew or not.

For some of us, the decision is easy, while others struggle. Like the onslaught of pollen, so many thoughts fly around clogging up the path towards decisions we wish to make, and really...we just want to breath again. At the beginning of our grant years, we all came with goals in mind.

As each day gets carried off by the falling leaves, frozen fingers are challenged to keep up with the changing seasons and its new demands. Through our grant year we are tested and we change our minds about our goals, possibly multiple times.

I've spoken with various Fulbrighters in Korea. Some of them have similar stories, whereas others are definitely having a much different experience during this 'should I stay or should I go' period. Just like the beginnings of spring, it's a hot/cold situation. Winter still clinging despite everyone hoping to see flowers bloom and not wear long padding anymore.

A Fulbrighter explained it as a game of Uno when someone plays the Reverse Uno card. In one breath, the decision is going down a steady path, and the next...it's going the complete opposite. It's these moments that we weather out. We talk to our fellow Fulbrighters, we continue having our experiences in Korea without pause. A few of us are at ease during this time, and they are the lucky ones. They get to play an Uno game without many plot twists. The other game that is being played has a multitude of unexpected twists and turns, and there isn't an end in sight until all the cards have been played.

And a decision has been made.

If a Fulbrighter isn't jumping between hot/cold and Reverse cards, then did they really move abroad? Did they truly challenge themselves and commit to being cultural ambassadors?

A Fulbrighter's first year is a year of realizations and new experiences. From humid summer days at Orientation to cool evenings during our first months of teaching to the freezing winds bringing snow, we start to learn more about a country so different from our own.

A country that thrives despite the weather or hardships around them. Just like a Fulbrighter.

As snow melts and the cherry blossoms touch the sky, we begin to make our final decisions. The decision that will outline the next three hundred and sixty-five days of our revolving lives.

Do we stay for a second year, and deepen our bond with Korea?

Do we stay for a third?

Do we switch programs, because we just completed our third year and aren't ready to leave yet?

Do we stay calm, because the decision was never really a problem to begin with?

Or do we go home, and see what happens next?

So, perhaps Spring time isn't just about new beginnings, but for the hope of something more.

And maybe that’s something worth carrying into the Summer.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

There you have it. My first adventure into being published (not on my blog). Tell me your thoughts. What did you think about Spring? Could you move across the world for a year? What would you do in Korea if you could visit? Would you stay for a second or third year? Don't be shy!

And as always,

#SaveOurToya

The Gendering

(Warning: foul language thanks to the patriarchy, and an abundance of Captain Holt gifs from Brooklyn Nine-Nine)

Amidst the recent news of male K-Pop celebrities and their criminalizing actions, I feel an overwhelming amount of rage, frustration, and irritation. Which sucks! I'd much rather be writing my blog about my conference in Taipei, Taiwan, but instead here I am telling you that I feel as if everything is garbage. 

I'm not going to go into the details about the current K-Pop trash that's happening as the full story has yet to be released; however, knowing that one of the idols that brought me into the realm of K-Pop did such disgusting actions has left me betrayed.

And perhaps that's why I had to hold myself from snapping at my coteacher today. I was so raw from the news last night that I couldn't handle hearing, "it's too hard for girl students to play [soccer] with boy students".

I'm sorry, Fuck that noise. 

I will not be apologetic for believing that my girl students are just as capable as my boy students. All of my students have the potential to play soccer with anyone in this school. 

Don't get me wrong, I did want to rearrange my students within my English Soccer class, but not for that shit reason. Last week, I noticed a distinct lack of interest in my girl students. They didn't really want to play soccer, and I understand that. Sometimes, you don't want to play a sport. I remember more than enough times back in P.E. when I hated the gym activity and just made the motions. 

I can't say what drove their lack of interest in soccer, and maybe it's because the class is boy-dominated and some (one - and you know the one) of the students play dirty. Maybe they hate soccer or doing sports. 

Either way, what I saw was a lack of skill in the sport. Therefore, I would rather have placed my fifth grade girls with the 3rd and 4th graders, simply so the skill set was matched. And my 5th grade boys would go with my 6th grade boys (its this group that's usually playing soccer after lunch anyways). 

Now that I have my class divided on the premise that "it's too hard for girl students to play [soccer] with boy students", I feel irritated at my school. 

At my teachers. 

At my students. 

I know! I know its not their fault.

It's the fault of their socialization within a society that reinforces girls being soft, delicate, and precious as children and as adults, they're seen for their usefulness to their male-counterparts. I weep at the thought of not being able to express my frustrations to my school. 

Am I giving up before I even started?

No. 

What I recognize is that talking to my coteacher or even the administration won't get the point across. Unfortunately. Instead, I'm going to work with my students directly and empower them. Language barrier there may be, but a good cheerleader I am. (3-ish years as a cheerleader before I switched to 9-ish years of playing soccer.) 

Sure, the point is about teaching English through the use of soccer, but I can also show them they have it all within them. I may doubt my teaching ability from time to time, but rarely do I doubt my ability to stand with someone. 

Today, I stand with my students. Not to say "you're wrong!", but to say "you can do it!"

#SaveOurToya

It Goes With Saying

During a discussion about what to get for my school while on a business trip to Taiwan, I accidentally read my friend's message wrong.

What the message said: Yeah, that should be enough.

What I read: You should be enough.

For a hot minute I felt a profound sense of happiness overcome me to the point I almost started blushing in happiness. However, my brain quickly corrected that interpretation.

Silly me, for reading that wrong.

When I told my friend what happened, they told me 'that goes without saying'.

Between calculating how much money I would need to exchange and whether I was an idiot for leaving my American credit card at home, I began to think if phrases like 'you should be enough' truly do go without saying? Could it be that this unspoken norm has damaged society over the years?

Has it damaged me?

I mean, let's think about it.

In its most simplest form, hearing good things about you isn't a bad thing. I would say it's a good thing. For a few seconds there, I felt good about myself. But then, that part of me that doesn't believe in myself, automatically reread my friend's statement and I realized I read wrong. I wasn't being complimented. The amount of money I wanted to exchange was being complimented.

-sigh-

I don't want to weigh my self-worth on the amount of compliments I've received, because it isn't about what other's see in me. It's about what I see in me, but when I'm not sure what it is I should be seeing, a second opinion never hurts.

Until it does.

Being in Korea, I've had my weight made fun of. My skin color has been labelled as dirty. My hair characterized as wild.

The only compliments I've received were in the area of my acne clearing up and my voice sounding like a movie star.

Whereas in the states, I was praised on my work ethic and ability to be empathetic. It's no surprise that I consider these two qualities as my strongest? In fact, I went and got a Master's Degree where I could combine them as a career option for myself.

My quick thinking and adaptability made me competent on the soccer field. My coach and other teammates told me that they liked how I played. After nine years, I'm not the last pick when I play a soccer pick-up game. In fact, my mother told me that had I had the heart in the sport, I probably would be on a professional team. And if I was on a professional team, you know damn well that I would go for a national team.

Just saying.

Would I have gone down a different path had I been complimented in other areas? If my passion would've been stoked more toward soccer or if I had been told my math skills were fantastic as well, instead of teaching English, I could be a professional soccer player who does research within the areas of sociological diligence.

Unfortunately, the past cannot be changed.

What I do have control over is my present and my future.

I have begun complimenting myself when I come across situations that make me uneasy or my anxiety holds me hostage. And good lord are those compliments hard to say, but that's when I need to hear them the most.

I can't rely on someone else to praise me. I need to believe more in myself anyway.

Remember when I mentioned I was going to Taiwan for a workshop? Here are some truths that I've been trying to overcome these last two months in preparation for Taiwan.

1. Many times I wanted to decline going. I do not think I will make a good impression due to all my nerves. I'm making things burdensome for my school.

2. Many times I felt financially unbalanced. In my goal to save money this year, I've been hit with a few purchases in the last month that has left me not meeting my target goals. And while I'm not paying for a majority of this trip, I still worry that I'll spend more money than I need too.

3. Many times I had to remind myself to be social while in Taiwan. I wouldn't say that I am at hermit levels of being social, I still tend to shy away from large crowds or being social at a normal level. I've been working hard on this, but I still have my backslides. I didn't want one to happen while in Taiwan.

4. Many times I needed to tell myself that I earned this opportunity. And while I'm not sure what part of my Fulbright profile made me qualify for this opportunity, something stood out to the Commission. I just only wish I knew what it was.

It was during these many times that I would tell myself a compliment.

1. I am smart.

2. I am strong.

3. I am amazing.

4. I am worthy.

Each time, it got easier to get through the negative. My voice got firmer.

It goes without saying?

No. It goes with saying.

#SaveOurToya

영어선생님이에요

Today my Vice Principal told me my teaching style has greatly improved. In fact, she said I deserve a certificate for being a real teacher.

And yet...I have mixed feelings about this statement...

One is joyful and the other one is resentful.

I'm well aware that I wasn't exactly a teacher when I first started out back in September. Before then, I'd taught only two classes with another English teacher. Outside of that, I've only given presentations to my peers (woo, class presentations~!). So, to hear that I've improved is fantastic!

But...why didn't she give me any tips or suggestions on how to get better?

Yes, I have a TEFL and TESOL certificate that say I am qualified to teach English to non-English speakers, but let's be honest...attending classes, drafting lesson plans, reading methodologies...theory is one thing, and the practical is a whole other beast.

Some days I struggled, other days I was able to keep my head over the water. There were even some days that I could stand in the water with confidence. Those first six months were rough, but they were doable. I'm proud that I was able to achieve what I have.

But...a little help would've been great. Not going to lie. Especially since I never really knew what I needed to ask to improve. Knowing what I do now, it was getting to know the students and having them know me. It was through this process that I was able to figure out what kind of teacher I was.

I connect with my students by being silly with them. I get my students improving by sticking to a routine. Heck, even the usage of my minimal Korean has shown my students that as they try to learn my language, I'm also learning their's. I kid you not, the second I told them to get out their 공책, they not only flipped out, they got more attentive.

Did I have to learn Korean to be a better teacher? Maybe. For the position that I am in, at the school that I am in, it did make me a better teacher. Had my circumstances been different, it may not have been what made me "better".

What did make me a better teacher was the amount of time I've put in for my students and for myself. I feel that at the beginning, I'd only been doing half of that. I was putting in too much effort for one of those, and it was hurting me. Until I figured out my balance, I wasn't doing anyone any good. Not my students, and definitely not me.

Six months to get comfortable in a new land.

Six months of teaching young children to first get comfortable with English.

Six months from when I left everything that I knew.

I can now say, with confidence, I am an English teacher.

영어선생님이에요.

#SaveOurToya