Be You, No Matter What

When coming into a new work environment, there's a lot of things you need to adjust for. New work load, new coworkers, new desk, new routines...new, new, new.

Some things are easy to adjust for, others are a little more challenging. However, in the end, depending on how you handle each new thing, is what decides how the new job will be moving forward.

Now, that being said...I'm finding myself at a loss.

What do you do when no one responds to your 'good morning's or 'hello's at the start of your work day?

I never thought such a thing would bother me, but here I am fretting. And not in a, 'do they not like me?' way, but a 'hello...can you be any ruder?' way.

Am I crazy for thinking this? - I hope not. Because I'm not stopping.

I even called someone out when they walked into the office I share with my two other team members and only spoke to the person they came to see. Yeah, that's not going to fly. If you walk into our office, I'm going to expect greetings for all of us. I'm not starting any of this clique-y BS that started in school and filters up into the workforce because people can't leave their childishness in the past.

That toxicity is not needed nor wanted.

I may be one of the youngest, but I'm not letting anyone disrespect me or themselves.

#SaveOurToya

How's Iowa?

What I see when I'm walking into work

It's good. I've been here for three weeks and I haven't had much room to complain. Except for the cold. I'm not sure how I'm gonna do come winter time, but that's for future!Toya to figure out. Right now, I'm enjoying the first touches of spring hitting the area. I can't wait to see life take a new breath this year.

Yesterday alone I saw downtown come to life as people were out and about, seeing the area, enjoying good food, and even going on bike rides. Seeing the happy cyclists is urging me to buy my own bike!

In fact, I have so many plans going in and out of my head that I've begun to overwhelm myself with everything that I want to do and feel frustrated that I can't do it. The impatience I feel right now...I can't recall a time it's ever been this bad.

My home~

This new life I'm leading is nothing like the other times I've had to start over somewhere new. Thanks to my parents, I'm no stranger to it. I've lived on three different continents in four different countries in my 26 years, but I've moved a lot more than that. I'd have to say that I've moved about 10 times, but this latest move has me in a jumble of wants and needs.

But my training at work leaves me exhausted and unwilling.

And there had been the jetlag....

And the no furniture for two weeks....

And my parents visiting....

And the whole 'moving so you're gonna spend a lot of money and should be aware of how LITTLE you have for play time'...

I suppose I should be thankful that my training is telling me to 'calm down'. It has allowed me to get all of the necessary adulting in order. Like my license plate, driver's license, my bills (so pricey!), and establishing my work schedule.

My first view of Iowa

Getting my routine down has helped settle me into my new place better than anything else. It's allowed me to ignore the ache in my heart up until very recently.

In the last 48-ish hours, I've come to the jarring realization that I left a piece of myself in Korea. The part of me that felt like I came home to a place I never knew was...well, home. During my time in Korea, I never felt the culture shock we were told to keep an eye out for. I felt at home almost immediately.

And at that time, I barely knew a thing about Korea except my favorite kdrama and singers.

It's no surprise that after living there for a year and a half that a piece of myself stayed behind.

But you know what else? This isn't the first time I felt like a piece of myself was left behind in a far away land. The first time was when I left Germany, and every time after.

Maybe that's why I cling so tightly to my German heritage when I'm in America. Why I refused to lose my German even a little bit. It's been a long time since I lived in Germany, with only a couple visits back, but it's easier on me to be away. Those departures came knowingly, not abruptly like it did for me to move here.

I found out I was leaving Korea a week before it happened. I didn't have time to prepare myself or even acknowledge that I left. This disconnect is a lot more sensitive...raw.

That being said, I am still looking forward to this new journey.

#SaveOurToya

Heartbreak to Courage

I just read on Facebook that 'heartbreak taught me courage'. And wow...that couldn't be more true in my current situation.

Remember my previous post? (Big Decisions are BIG)

I spoke about having to make a difficult decision within 24 hours.

Well, it broke my heart, but I made it.

I made it and I tried to find ways to ease the pain, but none of my efforts worked. 

At three in the morning with only two hours of sleep, I was in a back and forth email conversation. I tried to finesse something.

None of it worked.

No amount of finessing was working.

While my heart broke, it also felt like it was lighter. Because from that heartbreak...I found the dream I've been seeking since I was 19.

It's finally here and I would be a fool to say 'no' even if it means saying goodbye to what I know.

But that's okay.

I'm ready for this step.

I'm here for it.

#SaveOurToya

The Bystander and the Victim

Ever find yourself in a situation where you have no idea what is going on, but you know you should do something?

Say something?

That happened to me this past weekend. 

At first, I didn't do anything, because I couldn't figure out what I could do. According to Wikipedia's Bystander Effect page, "[t]he bystander effect, or bystander apathy, is a social psychological claim  that individuals are less likely to offer help to a victim when other people are present; the greater the number of bystanders, the less likely it is that one of them will helps". There are many factors that contribute to becoming a bystander. 

A couple of such factors happen to be ambiguity and diffusion of responsibility, and that's what I had to struggle with Saturday night.

What I saw was a well-dressed, emotionally unstable woman (crying, shoving people away) sitting on the ground, surrounded by a group of men.

So badly, I wanted to jump in, ask her if she was okay. But I couldn't.

It wasn't like we were in a dark alley way or some remote location. We were on one of the main roads with heavy traffic. Many people were walking by and were clearly watching what was going on.

And unlike myself, they understood what everyone was saying. 

I had no idea as to what was going on and I didn't know what options I had as a foreigner. You hear enough horror stories that when a foreigner is involved, they get blamed almost automatically. In situations like these, you feel powerless. 

So...so...powerless. 

My friends and I came back later to see what was going on, during that time, I told myself I would ask my school what I should do in those situations moving forward.

Instead of hearing about actions I could make, I heard victim-blaming. 

"That area is known for such things. Very common occurrence."

"A young woman, right?"

"She probably drank a lot."

"She gave herself to a demon."

The fact I wasn't asked, 'what was she wearing?' was an almost bigger shock than what I was hearing.

I was hoping to hear solutions!

Not....this.

But you know what else I noticed? Grand scheme after I worked through my reaction, I wasn't actually that surprised. I was more so effected by how blatant the victim-blaming was compared to the usual underhanded tactics that happen in my day to day.

The crap that once happened in my classroom in the Fall of 2018 was much worse than the stuff that happens now. Why? Because I nip it in the bud as soon as I notice something is going down or about to happen.

I've gotten really good at snapping my student's names out. Especially when it's not their nicknames. I'm not afraid to kick a student out of my classroom or give punishment tasks. I would have them scrubbing cauldrons in a heartbeat if this were Hogwarts!

When I hear them go, 'so and so did this', I am quick to have them do their own self-reflection. So-and-so may have done something annoying, but you're the one attempting to hit, kick, or throw their stuff out of the classroom.

Eye for a tooth, and tooth for an eye, any kind of revenge is not tolerated.

Maybe I'm playing hardball here because my classroom is something I can at least pretend I have control over.

I hope my students are learning/seeing what it means to take part and standing up when things aren't going right. Of course, they don't see that I'm floundering about on my best and worst days.

Perhaps a 'see something, say something' lesson is needed.

I don't know...

What I do know is that being powerless sucks.

#SaveOurToya

There's a List

Strap yourselves in boys and girls and people. It's been a couple of weeks since I last posted and who knows what craziness I'm about to impart upon you today.

Best to get the big things out of the way, shall we?



Number 1 (and yes, we have a list.)

Who da fuck spilled coffee on my desk?

It sure as hell wasn't me. I don't drink the hot bean water. To be frank, it's not my cup of tea. (hehe...get it?)

So someone, who I don't know but am quite certain drinks coffee, was sitting at my desk and had a little "oopsie". Thankfully, nothing important got ruined. Just some of my scrap paper that I like to reuse cuz I'm all eco-friendly that way.

But still.

Someone spilled coffee and didn't have the nerve to tell me.

Strike(s): 1


Number 2

Why wasn't I told my class were cancelled?

I'm used to being told the morning of my classes if they were going to be cancelled. After a year of it happening randomly (for me, not so random for everyone else), you build up a casual acceptance of, 'ah...okay'. And if a class is cancelled, it's not the end of the world. You can just move your lesson plan to the next time you have that class. Even if you had a themed event that you really wanted to share with your students because of a holiday, and it really shouldn't be moved, but here we are? Yeah. I know how to roll with the punches, even then.

But when it comes to one of my students informing me the period right before the 'cancelled' class and my co-teacher saying nothing, I have some problems.

I go to confront said teacher, and she goes, 'oh right! Yes, but not really. Only 7th period. It's a chicken party that we knew of for the last two weeks. You will be teaching during 8th period.'

Guess who didn't teach 8th period either...

Strikes: 3 (they got 2 strikes, for the double cancellation)


Number 3

Yesterday, I learned of something worse than last minute class cancellations. Last minute class additions.

Y'all...let me tell you how I work.

Because I've found a self-love for myself during that fuck-up of a time from a few months ago, I no longer bring my work home. Almost everything is done between work hours. Per my contract, that's a total of 40 hours. 22 of those hours, I am teaching (if classes aren't cancelled), and the other 18 are left for lesson planning.

Now, my lesson planning is down to a fine art. I don't prep a week in advance. I wish I could, but I don't. I lesson plan within 24-48 hours before the class.

Why?

Because I want to have taught the class beforehand to understand what needs to be worked on in the next class. Or hey, maybe we didn't get as far as I hoped to and can be less stressed as I ctrl+c and ctrl+v for a hot second.

Or in much, much simpler terms.

If my class is on Wednesday, I start planning on Monday and finialize by the end of my last free period on Tuesday.

Apparently, the teachers in my school thought, 'oh Toya's more than prepared. She always is. Let's just shift 2 classes forward, so now she's teaching 4 class this morning, and she should've already have been in her first class ten minutes ago. She's got this.'

To say I didn't have a mini-freak out and questioned my life choices would be a dirty, dirty lie.

I showed up, 15 mins late to my first (SURPRISE) class. Instead of giving them a proper lesson, we got to watch the wholesome movie Klaus on Netflix. Happy Holidays, y'all.

My other surprise class, I couldn't prepare for either but I showed up on time (small win!). I was still teaching my normal class schedule and those classes sat between my first surprise class and my second surprise class. Aka, no free time. They got to finish watching their semester movie and start watching Home Alone. "Merry Christmas, you filthy animals."

Strikes: 6


Number 4

Since my Wednesday schedule was thrown out of wack, for the last 5 hours, I have been finalizing 4 separate exams that my students will be taking in two weeks. You know, instead of spreading it over two days, alongside lesson planning for the next day, it got all packed into today.

I knew, at some point, that switch inside of me flipped. You know the one.

The fuck it switch.

Grade 3 and 4, sure as hell better be thankful, because Grade 5 and 6, that test is playing hardball. It's the type of test written by those teachers you hear about throughout your entire academic career. The teacher who "won't take your shit, so be sure to do it right the first time".

I meet with my coteacher tomorrow to discuss the exams. Unless there's an error, I'm not feeling to kind to making changes.

That may make me a bad teacher, but the hand-holding needed to stop at some point.  Why not for a competition test that these kids should have been preparing themselves for for the last three months?

Strikes: 10


Number 5

Now, let's rewind to Monday. It's only the second day of December. I was feeling pretty good. No mystery coffee, no cancelled class, no added classes, and no test finalizing.

My classes for the day were prepped on Friday and I had the drafts finished for the big tests done too. My weekend was solid (for once in a really, really, really long time) and I haven't had to deal with any racist bullshit.

The only thing I had to really be concerned about was my Korean test the following evening.

Then my co-teacher showed up and was asking for the Winter Camp lesson plans (that were never requested for until just now).

Which were not done. I had a stickie note of a rough outline, but nothing to be submitted.

So, I asked when she would like it.

Joker had the thought to have them due today. As in, the day the four big exams were due.

I think something in me knew. It just knew, "Don't you fucking agree, La Toya."

I didn't. I asked for it to be due the following week.

Thankfully, she agreed.

Unfortunately, I didn't get the form.

Strikes: 11


Number 6

It's fucking cold.

These days, I'm up to 4 layers when I leave my apartment. It's so cold, my eyes start crying without me even realizing. (It could be from the rage, but I'm like 99% certain it's the cold.)

Strikes: 15 (one strike for every layer)


Real Talk

Despite all these frustrating, mentally exhausting, when is my vacation, headache-inducing stress, some good things are happening too.

This year, I'm feeling the Christmas spirit. I feel unconditionally happy. I've gone to see Christmas lights and I'm even getting egg nog this year! I signed up to be a Santa Shopper for Samsungwon and doing a Secret Santa thing with my friends. (Which is wild, cuz I suck at shopping for people.) I'm also feeling all, 'let's share the Christmas joy' and want to bake Christmas cookies for my school and share my egg nog with them.

My Korean studies are moving along nicely. I have my big cumulative exam next week, and I'm not even nervous for it. I've made some good friends in that class. It's made the whole trip to Daegu every week more worthwhile. Though, after this test, I am switching back to self-study. I have come to realize that I'm actually pretty good at the self study bit, I just need to be more active in using what I learned. Cuz, yes, I can do it.

I've rekindled my passion for writing. I fully acknowledge that I want to write a book. Badly. No clue who would read it, beside my mom...s. (Yes, I recognize that I have more than one mom.) The funny thing is, what broken my writing hiatus that I've had since 2012 was the fact that I played the Sims4. The game has allowed me to visualize my stories, allowed me to play out various scenes, and when my Sims were on their own, give me plot twists that even leave me astonished.

I love myself. I'm not trying to sound self-absorbed, but I love myself. I really, really do. Finally, the relationship I've had with myself is turning for the better. I can finally see it. I'm pretty fucking amazing. I'm not sure when it all just...snapped into place. Maybe it was me acknowledging my real limits, a Christmas miracle, or I leveled up while I was sleeping, but it's beautiful.

I saw Frozen 2. I'm not going to talk about the songs, or the artwork, or the transformative "qualities" of the movie. What I am going to talk about is that for a solid minute or two, I was in literal body shaking, tears falling, hand slapping, mouth covering hysterics all because of a single snowman who likes warm hugs.

After this month, I have 7-ish months left until I leave Korea. It's a bittersweet thought. I've made a life here. My kids drive me up the wall, but I adore them as well.

And who knows...maybe...I'm just done with teaching in 7-ish months.

#SaveOurToya

It's Funny

Funny, but in that ironic sense of way. A few days ago, I was wondering if I should post something before the end of the month, to give March one more post, but thought against it. I don't like posting to just post.

I prefer to have something of sustenance go up. Something that will give me a good insight to what I was thinking about, without having to flex my brain very hard later down the road, wondering what was going through my mind.

Ah, what can I say, I'm lazy and I embrace it. 

Now, back to the irony of it all. 

Yesterday, someone mentioned that they've been meaning to write again, and really wanted to, but just...[insert half arm flail here...you know the one]. 

My response had been not to stress it. A writing piece will come when it comes. 

Not even 24 hours later, and here I am.

Last night, I was faced with a small anxiety attack that made me question why I wanted to stay in Korea for a second year. Holy hell that had been uncomfortable. I felt clamy and discomfort in my own skin. In my own bed. The moment you're uncomfortable in your own bed, is the moment you know you're not doing well.

It was my bed.

The one place I don't have to be anyone. I can just be a blob of exhaustion and still sass people from the tips of my fingers. The bed is a sacred place. 

And yet because of one 아저시, I was in an unsettled place, because of him and my trash. 

It sounds silly, doesn't it?

An anxiety attack because of the fucking trash.

*sigh*

I don't want to invalidate my experience, by saying it shouldn't have happened. That I am embarrassed by such a tumble of emotions to the point that I will discredit my experience. 

It's so hard though!

I'm internally struggling to find a balance between acknowledging what happened and avoiding it. 

Which is probably why I am writing this post now. 

I am acknowledging that my thoughts spiraled downward so fast any Korean would be proud at the speed. I went from, 'taking my trash out!' to 'did that man just grunt at me?' to 'wait, my trash DOESN'T go here? Well, where the hell does it go?' to 'there's no place for my trash, my life is going to turn into a trash dump...literally' to 'fuck, why is this guy such a dick?'. 

And as I was climbing into bed, to fall asleep for the night, bam! 

Anxiety showed it's ugly head.

The only way, I was able to settle down enough to fall into a restless sleep was by giving myself a game plan for the next day. I would go into work, speak to my co-teacher about the trash, and have her call the building owner. I was going to get my confirmation of where to put the stupid trash, so my life won't physically reflect what it sometimes feels like. 

And guess what I found this morning on my way into work.

Exactly.

I went through all of that last night, for basically nothing. 

Oh wait. I think I'm getting ahead of myself a little. 

Remember the 아저시? For those who don't speak Korean, it translates to a man who is between the age of 40 to 60. He was out smoking his cigarette and saw me drop off the trash at the 'not your spot'. I barely looked at him, mostly focused on my audio-book, when I heard random grunting noises over the narrator. I turned around and he starts talking. 

"Do you live in that building? Yes? Then, you can't put your trash here. Your trash site doesn't exist? It's there. Just look around for it. This place is for this building. Not yours. You understand? Good. This is not for your building."

That's pretty much the gist of what he said, as he points around with his cigarette. It was a surreal experience, that I was able to understand as much as I did, not freak out, and was even able to negotiate that I could leave my trash there for the evening.

I, personally, did not understand why it really mattered, it's all going to the same place on the same garbage truck...but anyways, yeah. Negotiating trash location without freaking out, I counted it as a win.

The freaking out was saved for later.

Now, here I am, sitting at work, well aware of where my trash goes, wondering why I wasn't told about the trash spot to begin with? 

Oh wait. I'm a foreigner. 

#SaveOurToya

Rolling With the Punches

One thing about living in Korea, you tend to find things you don't understand.

For example, why do so many changes happen last minute?

It may not be last minute that the change was going to be implemented, but by the time I found out about it, well...it sometimes fell a little bit after last minute. However, it generally happens within five minutes of the impending event. Remember when I got a three-hour long class that originally was supposed to be only 40 mins long? (See post here)

Exactly.

I've contemplated many ways over these last six months on how to better get informed on the on-goings of my school.

One of those ways was asking for the school calendar. It's definitely all in Korean, but sitting down with it, translating it... It's helped loads. I can now initiate conversation with other teachers to ask what's going on for 'XXX' event or have an idea if a class of mine will get cancelled. And as I get more engaged about certain events, the more willing other teachers were to talk to me without prompting.

Whether it was about school or not.

I was getting informed!

Sometimes, even a month in advanced.

It also helped in connecting with the students. When I knew that a field trip was coming up, or a festival competition, I could start asking the kids if they felt ready or prepared for the event. Generally, I also tagged along, but it's more about the bonding before and after the event that were a great way to connect with the other students.

But, best to keep in mind...it doesn't solve all notification problems.

There is still an established culture of changing things up as they organically come up.

In Korea, you really learn to roll with the punches.

#SaveOurToya

That time I flooded the apartment

This was NOT my fault.

None. 

All I did was wash my dishes. 

The flood came out of nowhere. 

Well, not nowhere. It came from the pot I just emptied, but I emptied the pot into the sink. Remember, I was washing dishes...minding my own business...not at fault.

Okay, so let me start at the beginning...

I'd just finished eating dinner, a delicious meal of spaghetti. Yes, it was made by yours truly, which means I had dishes to wash. No problem.

Unlike the states, I didn't fill up the sink with water as the sink at my homestay doesn't work that way. All the water was in the pot. So much water. You know, you never realize just how much water a decent-sized pot can hold until you're flooding your kitchen. 

But, I'm getting ahead of myself.

So I washed the small dishes first, putting them on the drying rack, and just being a decent houseguest. When I finally got to the pot, I poured the dirty water out (no flood here) and refilled it with enough to continue cleaning. Now, mind you, this was perhaps the second time I'd done it, and there had been no issue.

But it was the third time that did it. 

It's ALWAYS the third time. 

I just pour the whole thing out, oblivious and innocent as all get out when I hear a weird rushing noise. I don't know why I looked down. It wasn't because my feet were soaked, my house slippers prevented that, and it wasn't like the noise was noticeably coming from below me, I just looked.

And there it was. 

Water coming out from below the sink- okay, fine. From the cabinet below the sink. I rush to pull it open to see where the water was coming from, which also meant more water came running out. For those first five seconds, I was devastated. 

I was about to flood my homestay and my host parents weren't even home. They were out of town for the night and I was flooding their house. Even though it wasn't my fault, I was the one home and the water pipe burst (at least that's what I thought had happened in those five seconds).

After those five seconds, I was able to find the source of the water. 

Apparently, this gigantic thermos had fallen on the hose that connected the sink to where ever sinks are connected too. I mean, besides realizing I would be a horrible plumber, I got scared. How the heck was I supposed to finish the dishes if the hose was disconnected? 

Of course, that's when I realized I could probably just...wiggle the hose back on, right?

Oh, and the water had spread into the dinning area by now.

Executive decision making had me wiggling the hose back on, walking intent-fully to my bathroom (running on wet surfaces are dangerous), grabbed towels and threw them at the water. And by towels, I mean hand towels, because those are towels in Korea. Oh my god, those towels did their best but the water soaked through them so quickly; I had to go back to the bathroom two more times.

By the time I felt even an ounce calmer, I stood in a quiet apartment with a pile of wet towels at my feet, missing a sock, and a sore stomach. Oh! And I still had dishes to finish washing. 

#SaveOurToya

Host Families

May I be frank?

Because I think it's time we've had a real conversation about host families. It's such a big part of the Fulbright Korea experience, after all.

I've mentioned my host family in the past a few times already, both in a positive and not so positive light. I haven't necessarily hidden anything, but I think I've finally figured out how to describe a homestay.

And though you may not like what I'm about to say, its the honest truth.

A homestay family is what you make of it.

Each family is different. And that's the most important thing to understand. No one family is alike. They all have different situations going on, with different plans and ideas. They even have these preconceived ideas of who you are. They worry about what to feed you as they are required to feed you both breakfast and dinner. They make agreements with your school before your arrival.

Or not with your school and everyone finds out last minute or mid-way through your grant year.

Now, none of these statements are excuses. They are simply statements of facts that can and/or will affect your homestay life.

Does that mean that you live as if the other shoe may drop at any second?

Maybe.

But it doesn't have to be that way.

I already said it. Homestay life is what you make of it.

So, how do you handle moments that leave you- well...freaking out?

First, your freakout is totally understandable. There's nothing wrong with it. Nothing.

Its the next part that's a little harder. Making an informed decision of what to do next.

For example. Your homestay family just told you something that basically sounds like you're going to be homeless in a month or two due to them only agreeing to six months of housing you.

That's all they tell you and it's left you floundering for at least a week.

But there's more.

There's always more...

That is why making an informed decision is so hard.

So, you have to give it time, even though you don't want to give it time. No, that's the furthest thing from your mind of what you want to do. Time? Ugh, no. But time you must give. Because then you find out the truth.

The truth why you're only staying for six months.

It can take weeks before you get the full story, but at the same time, you're going crazy from all the thoughts.

Homestays can be hard, they can be challenging in ways you least expect them to be. But you can also have fun and have loads of inside jokes with your homestay family. Half a year can fly by and you don't even know it.

Make what you can at your homestay, and never not try to connect with the people that you live with. You may be surprised who you're living with, whether the situation is bad or good.

#SaveOurToya

I don't like being tricked

Today, I found myself silenced again.

But instead of some creep trying to assault me, my host family, with all their good intentions, completely disregarded my wishes.

My voice.

This time, I didn't stay quiet.

I've been fighting off a cold/flu thing this last week. And all week, my host family has been urging me to go to the hospital, to which I have politely declined.

"No, I'm good."

"No, thank you."

"No."

I don't think I could have been any clearer in my wishes of not going to the hospital. And yet...I found myself at a hospital this afternoon (12/31), politely rejecting my host mom from making me an appointment.

Fam, they got me all the way to the hospital before I figured out that the appointment wasn't just for host mom, but also me.

It took longer than it should have for host mom to understand that I was not seeing a doctor, no matter how nice she was trying to make it sound.

"Oh, he's really good for a cough."

"Do it for the experience."

"Host dad is worried."

I don't give a damn about a doctor's credentials. I do not want the experience. And I won't be guilt tripped into making a decision I've said I did not want to do. You took my choice away from me. You disregarded my voice on the matter. And you fucking tricked me.

I don't know how often I've told them that I don't go to the hospital for a cold. It's not a matter of pride or having sub-par health insurance, but a matter of cultural differences. For me, a cold means sleeping it off. Not a trip to a hospital.

A cough means I just got over a cold and I'm working on expelling the mucus. Not a trip to a hospital.

I don't know if I've expressed it well enough, but the shit they just pulled?

It was a slap in the face.

I've been told by others that they mean well. Meaning-well is one thing, for which I have nothing against. But disregarding what I've been saying because you think you know better than me, is a completely different story.

See, here's what I seriously don't get. I've mentioned this before, but it bears mentioning again. Why is it, we get all this training about respecting the culture here, but schools and homestays don't get taught to respect our culture? Our thoughts and opinions? Because at the moment, the way I see it, because we're being polite and respectful, we've built this persona that is more or less disregarded by our peers around us. Because they think they know better.

And fine, this is their country. They do know better on how their country works. I can admit I don't get how things work in Korea, and I'm constantly learning new things.

But when it gets to a point where I'm walking out of a hospital pissed, because the people who are supposed to be my "family" have disregarded my wishes, then there's a problem here.

You know what, even when I was completely pissed and extremely tempted to just walk out of the hospital, I still tried my hardest to be respectful and make sure my host mom saved face. Hell, I'm pretty sure I kept that stilted, but polite smile on my face the whole time.

Right now, I honestly don't know how much longer I can stay in a homestay. There are good moments, one's I don't write about, but they exist. They make staying here, a lot of fun. But then things like this happen and it reminds me all over again why I want to have my own place.

#SaveOurToya

Poetry - I am tired

It's a struggle being constantly on.
I never stop smiling
I never stop laughing
I just never stop.
Sometimes, I don't even know why I'm happy.
Have you ever stopped
and thought about it?
Why am I happy?
Why did that make me smile?

It's a struggle being constantly on.
I never stop smiling
I never stop laughing
I just never stop.
I've been on for so long,
I don't even remember what it's like being off.
I imagine there's an inner peace,
cradling me in its arms,
whispering softly that everything was gonna be okay.
That I don't have to try so hard
that I can just drift along
and leave my worries outside my four walls.

It's a struggle being constantly on.
I never stop smiling
I never stop laughing
I just never stop.
I want to say that there was a time
when 'on' read as 'off'
and I didn't have to fight my reflection.

It's a struggle being constantly on.
I never stop smiling
I never stop laughing
I just never stop.
Do you know what it means
to constantly be at odds with your Self?
All I want to do is sleep
and know why I laugh.
But every time I try,
pulling my strength from pools
I didn't even know,
something- someONE
steps in my way
And I'm still running,
running,
running- Where am I running?
I don't know.
My legs are tired.
My laugh is tired.
I am tired.

It's a struggle being constantly on.
I never stop smiling
I never stop laughing
I just never stop.

Permanency

Trigger warning: gun violence at school

Despite my trigger warning, I want it to be said, there was no actual gun violence at my school. No shooting. No injuries. The students and teachers are all okay.

Me?

...not so much.

Y'all, I don't know why this week has been so shitastic, but it's been crazy hard this week. From bad-mood inducing news from my host parents to being bad-touched on a train to a small panic attack during third period on a Thursday.

I would like nothing more than to tell you about a good day, a good moment, or a happy feeling, but frankly...this week has been battling me every step of the way.

As many of you know, I'm half-American. I was raised and educated in the USA, thus my perspective has a multitude of American influences on them.

And today....today, I learned a valuable lesson that I never gave much focus to before.

When walking to my second class today, I noticed that my kids were a little bit more rowdy than usual. It's been a wild week for them to, but in a happier way thankfully, so I left it at that. I'm glad they were having a good week, even if it meant I had to deal with crazy students. At least they were being a good kind of crazy. I was about to walk into the 5th grade classroom, when I noticed something black in the front of the classroom.

I'm so thankful for my observation skills.

So fucking thankful.

Because what I saw was what looked like a fake semiautomatic gun.

I want it also to be said, I was already aware that Korea has a very strict gun policy.

And it was these two things that kept me from being too triggered at the situation I was about to find myself.

When one of my sweetest kids held the gun up, pointed it directly at my chest, and told me I was under arrest, it took a lot for me to not let my fear show. I don't know if my students noticed that for a second, I felt the color drain from my face. I felt my heart pick up speed. I felt my legs about to give out. I felt my lungs about to spaz out.

And this was me reacting to what I knew was a fake gun.

These children do not know what it's like to be black in America. They don't know what it's like to hear about shootings.

They just don't know.

Which was what helped me keep it together.

I kept telling myself over and over, 'they don't know'  as I tried to teach them about phone call etiquette and not looking at the spot where the "gun" was placed. It was probably one of the hardest classes I had to push through thus far.

I know that moments like these are great moments to educate someone. And while I would've loved for them to know and realize what their actions can produce in someone, what I just went through, I was also aware that my head-space wasn't in the right place for it.

How can I tell my precious students that the police scare me? That guns scare me? That people who look like me struggle simply because of our skin color? That school shootings are a fact of life and not a game, back home?

How can I talk about a topic that gives me a panic attack?

Look, I know I've been complaining about the cold (who knew I'd miss central heating), but if it's one thing I'm thankful for during this cold time its the snow. Looking outside the windows at the gently falling snow has been my one of my main solaces during this time of emotional upheaval.

It allows me to focus my thoughts and calm my overworked heart.

I mentioned in my last post about gun violence (The Aftereffects), that I'm working through my feelings. I figured out just what those feelings are; after today's reaction, it was pretty easy to figure out.

I'm afraid of guns.

I'm afraid of how permanent they are. I mean...with a single twitch, I can lose someone dear to me, my loved ones could lose me. (Good lord that sounds selfishly Toya-centered!) So many beautiful souls have been lost to us already, and as it stands, there's no stopping the shooting back home. As of today, there have been roughly 329 shootings in 2018.

We always think...'that wouldn't happen to me', or 'that doesn't happen around here', but guys. You never really know.

#SaveOurToya

WILD

Y'all, last night was WILD.

Remember how I was struggling with some problems about Christmas caroling for the festival my school held? Well...the festival has come and gone and things got wild afterwards.

After all my tough times, I want to tell y'all about something fun. And what happened last night, embodies fun in its entirety. But bear with me, I'm hungover as I'm typing this.

I also only had 2 hours of sleep.

I'm apologizing now for any typos, grammatical errors, and English tomfoolery I'm about to unleash in this post.

First, I'm happy to announce my kids nailed it last night. Wish me luck as I start teaching them some Lion King songs in honor of Lion King being in South Korea. The school is taking a field trip in December to see the show. Gotta get these kids ready.

Anyways, the show ends, parents are going home, teachers are passing out school fliers and helping parents gather their children together. I'm trying to figure out what time my car pool was heading home. It's 9-ish in the evening and I thought I heard we were staying until 10pm.

So, as I'm trying to work out what time we're leaving, which ended up more of a 'we gotta nunchi this', one of the teachers asks, "Who wants to go drinking?"

The speed that many teachers were willing to put cleaning up to tomorrow and have some downtime was eye opening. I hadn't realized just how exhausted they all were. My coworkers hide their struggles very well. And when that invite came my way, I was quick to say 'yes'.

Now, I also thought it would just be for an hour.

Oh no. I didn't start making my way home until 4am. But that's jumping ahead in the story.

Where was I...oh right! So we go to a bar named Cheers. No one there knew my name. But I had 500cc of beer in my hand within seconds of the head teacher sitting down. For those of you who don't know what 500cc is, its equivalent to 500ml. It was a good amount of beer. I had roughly 4 of those as the night passed.

There was also a bottle of soju thrown in there, because why not?

Alright, so I got the alcohol covered, here's what floored me. My co-workers were so relaxed and comfortable, that the intimidation of the language barrier lowered. I was able to speak to many of my coworkers last night and gotten to know them better. It was such a wholesome feeling that I got from them.

And then...one of the teachers told me, outside of work hours, I could call her 언니. Basically, our relationship leveled the fuck up. We also considered ourselves platonic soulmates because we understood each other so well. And I mean, really well. Practically thinking the same thoughts when we're conversing.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the table, the bromance between the guy teachers was very real, which sparked a conversation about LGBTQIA+. And those of us in the conversation agreed, love is love is love.

The night was literally a beautiful night.

But...the second one of us actually fell asleep at the table mid-conversation, that should've been my clue that things were about to get wild.

Everything that follows feels like it happened so quickly, but I know it happened over a 3 hour time-frame.

Five of us looked for a 노래방 (karaoke), and realized we're in a small rural town and that things don't stay open that late.

I called a taxi for one of the teachers, she was drunk after one of her three 500cc mugs.

Philosophical conversations in English and Korean. Both being quite slurred, but having the best of intentions as we try to figure out how to best work with an obstinate student.

Lost and found cell phones. Never mine...I was still aware enough to know where my phone was...

Oh my god! Let's talk about the bathroom situation. There was one bathroom with a regular stall and a urinal that was more or less covered up by one of those bathroom divider things. It was a gender neutral bathroom. And you never knew if someone was in there using it or not...Of the three times I went to the bathroom, I know for a fact, one time...there was a guy using the urinal. I don't know if he ever realized that I was in there as the same time as him...

By 1am, one of the most docile teachers announces to the group, 'We're not going home. We go to next place. More beer' in her best English. Normally she's so shy and hesitant to speak English, but brah...she took charge and it was in English.

I definitely need to reach out more to the teachers at this school. Extend my hand further, because the wholesome feeling from last night was something I want them all to enjoy more often.

Wait...does this mean we need to go drinking more?

Well we're in luck! Despite coming up with a group name (we're called AM...not sure why...but it made sense last night, I guess?), we also have plans to meet up on Monday in the evening.

Anyways, we're all getting ready to go, being the last group at the bar by the way. Cheering and laughing and speaking a mix of Korean and English. I think some of the teachers were slightly startled at the amount of Korean I could speak. Which isn't much, but enough that I can get my thought across at times...

ANYWAYS! 6 from the original 11, went right ahead to the next drinking spot. And yes...that included me. And not to worry, we took a taxi! Oh! Before I forget...our next drinking spot was going to be a 노래방. (Yes...we tried finding 노래방 again. No regrets.) But realized, again, that there wasn't one open, we went to a...I actually don't know the name of the place.

It's a place you can eat hot Korean food and keep drinking for a cheap price. Which is what happened for the next three hours.

By 4am, I was finally falling asleep and the night was called. Time to go home.

Now, I was going to call a taxi, but host mom was all, 'No! We'll walk! Together! Let's go!' It's below the freezing point, we're both drunk, and she wants to walk home?

Well, we got home around 4:30.

Now, had it been a normal Thursday turned Friday situation, I would've just gone to bed.

I didn't.

I packed my bag since after work today, my traveling for the weekend began. One night in Daegu and the following in Seoul. I got to sleep around 5am. Did I say something different earlier in the post? Bah, that's wrong. I went to bed around 5am, just to wake up at 7:45am for work.

And what I thought would be a regular morning was not the case.

Apparently, host mom had the bus driver's keys and phone. I had wondered last night where she'd gotten the bag that she suddenly acquired, but...I was busy trying to stay warm at the time.

And we needed to go get the car from the bar.

And breakfast.

One second, I was about to make myself a bagel and the next I was climbing into host dad's truck to be driven to the bar to get the car, but host mom and I went to GS25 (a convenience store) and looked for breakfast before heading into work.

And when we get to work, thirty minutes later than usual, but still on time...I realized...one of the cars back at the bar has been one of the teacher's cars. She hadn't gotten it yet.

Was she...was she not coming in?

Sis rolled in at the start of first period...

And now I have a raging headache and have to go teach one of my rowdiest classes in about twenty minutes.

#SaveOurToya

13 Days Later...

It's been a while! 

Guess who's back~!


C'est moi!

That's right everyone, I am back. And crazily, on the thirteenth day...

As far as I'm concerned, that's not an unlucky number, especially since it's October. Goes well with the theme, don't you think?

I hope you've all taken care of yourselves while I've been away? If not, let's talk! My time away has given me breath and space that has helped me reach a calmer inner peace. A lot has happened, and over the next coming days, I hope to put up posts about most of it!

But first, I want to bring attention to my Thank You post. It's just a small thank you to everyone who reached out to me while I was away. That's really all I'm going to say on the matter as the post itself is rather self-explanatory.

I plan to update this post with links to the other posts that will reflect what happened while I was on my hiatus. And if any of you follow my Insta, I'm sure you have an idea of what I've been up to!  Everything will be linked below~!

I have just one more thing to say.

It feels good to be back.

Please click the 'FOLLOW' button on the right to get updates on my latest shenanigans in Korea.

#SaveOurToya

9/26 - Hiatus
9/28 to 30 - Seoul and the Hospital
10/3 - The Mini-Break
10/6 - Busan

So I went to Seoul....

Even though this was planned before I decided to take my hiatus, my trip to Seoul was extremely well timed.


That's right, I took a trip to Seoul!

I could probably bore/interest you with some facts about Seoul, largest city in Korea and has 25% of the South Korean population in its city limits or whatever; however, that would only be a small part of my weekend trip. And stop being lazy, go to Wiki and look it up yourself.

The original intention for my trip up to Seoul was to have some American food.

Breakfast food.

That hassle was real

It had been way too long since I had American breakfast food and I was really missing it. Like really missing it. Missing it so much, I made a whole weekend trip to go get some.

Okay...sort of planned a trip.

True story, I was kind of freaking out about the whole time.

Packed bus to Seoul

Sure, I've gone to Daegu many times, since I barely live an hour away from it...but Seoul? That's  basically a three hour drive. In fact...I think it was more...?

Gongcha and bus riding

And while I've been in country for three months by then, public transportation is still very daunting for someone who rarely used it. Back home, I have my own car. I was very privileged in that fact. I had a car since I was of age. And...school buses aren't really public transportation.


So, yeah.

I had to figure out the online reservation, which surprise of all suprises, the English site does not work. You can only make reservations via the Korean version. Am I the only one who thinks that's...odd? I wonder how common this is? Are sites in America like this as well? What about other countries?

Empty bus to Geochang

Figuring out the ticket system took a hot minute. I had to ask other foreign teachers, 'brah, what do?' I did find out that if you use google chrome as your browser, it'll translate most of the site for you, so that was a small blessing. But you have to be careful. It translates a lot of things into literal translations. Particularly city names. Moments like these, it's good to have a grasp in Hangul.

Most of the reservation is self-explanatory, but then the purchasing part is a little different than what I was familiar with. Instead of entering the CVV code (those 3 numbers on the back of the card), I had to enter the first two digits of my 4-digit passcode as a card password?

A literal process.

Do I look tired?

But doable.

It just takes patience and not being afraid to ask for help.

Bus ticket aside...I got to Seoul easy enough, but very exhausted. It was after a long day at work (taught 6 lessons that day, because Fridays are a day to overwork yourself??), and then I had to find my friend.

Who was lost.

At a different bus terminal.

Thankfully in Seoul.

I made sure that we went over the Metro protocol Saturday.

It's as if this post has only been focusing on transportation...doesn't it? I haven't even gotten started on the taxi life...but I'll save that for a different post. But, most of my taxi experiences have been good and reasonably priced!

Now, let's talk Seoul...shall we?

Just the Oncology building at
Severance Hospital. SO BIG.

Since I was already in Seoul, I made an appointment with Severance Hospital. One of the very few hospitals Fulbright ETAs can go to where we don't have to worry about the two to six month reimbursement process. I had an appointment for my foot since it was now going on for 3 weeks of PAIN.

I couldn't wake up without my Achilles aching in pain. Or walk up stairs. Or play soccer. Or volleyball. Probably the reason I ended up tearing my muscle while playing soccer too.

This burger gave me life

Severance Hospital...oh my god. I don't even know how to explain it. It's huge and wonderful and I'm pretty sure it's also a mall? I had maybe one of the best burgers there.

Anyways, I had my foot checked out and found out I had tendinitis. I was told one month of 'no soccer, no volleyball, no hiking'.

Me: lol, k.

As soon as November hits, I'm going to go on a nice, relaxing hike. Enjoy nature and all that.

Outside of the hospital, we found a random music festival and looked around in some shopping options but didn't get too crazy into it. Personally, I felt very overwhelmed with how shopping happens here. In the states and Germany (the two places I'm familiar with), everything (literally, EVERYTHING) wasn't displayed for you to look through right on the shelves. But here....it's just all...there. I guess it has something with not having a 'back area' or something? Spacing difficulties? I probably need to look at stores one or four more times before I would feel comfortable/know what I want to buy.

So yeah. Overwhelming.

I did see a sale on face masks though. 1+1 (BOGO in America), I got 30 face masks for 15,000원. Yes, I literally paid $0.44 for one face mask. It was a beautiful moment.

And then finally Sunday came around...

Breakfast.

We went to the Original Pancake House in Itaewon (barely a five minute walk from the Metro stop). I will let the pictures do most of the talking, but I will say this. If you're looking for a place that serves Ihop-styled food....this is the place to go while being in Korea.

Sooooo, worth it. 

And not to worry! All of the employees speak English and the menu is in English (and Korean). I will definitely be making a trip again...maybe in November...after my hiking day?

What I haven't mentioned: The crazy thing Friday Night at 7/11.

#SaveOurToya

Temporary Hiatus

Hey everyone,

Nothing amazing to post about except that I'll be going on a hiatus for a bit.

Not sure when I'll be back, but I need to focus on myself. A lot of self-realizations have come up lately and I need to work through them.

I hope I won't be gone for too long, but...I know self-care is very important. I will be taking all the time that I need to get through this.

On that note, I hadn't planned on posting anything about my departure, but I feel that it's important that people hear about moments of self-care. Because if you can't care for yourself, who will? No one else owes it to you, but you. If you notice that somethings not right, take a step back. Treat yo'self. Tell people 'no'. Speak up. Do what you need to do to help you.

We only have one chance in this life and it's better to live it happy than miserable.

If you want to get updates on the latest #SaveOurToya shenanigans, please hit the FOLLOW button to the right.

So until I get back, take care of yourselves and live your best life!

#SaveOurToya

Week 10 - Korean Bathhouses

I really shouldn't worry about not having something to post about. Because every week, I do something or see something that is blog worthy. Work was rough this week, but I also went to a Korean bathhouse and relaxed like nobody's business.

Between the two, I'm sure you can guess what I'm gonna talk about it (you know, if the title of the post didn't give it away...)

You: "Oh, you took a bath? Good for you."

Ha!

I didn't just take a bath. I took a bath with 30 other women. 

Well...basically.

We weren't all in the same bath, but I saw more naked people in 1 hour than I ever have in my whole life combined. It was quite the experience!

Many of you back home must be wondering just what am I getting myself into over in Korea?

It's not signing myself up for an unexpected trip unknowingly...at least not in this post. I purposefully agreed to go to the Korean bathhouse, or as it is known in Korea a 찜질방. And yes, I knew I would be stripping down naked where other women can see me. I did not go into this blind.

I went into this experience as one should, open-minded. A 찜질방 is a very common and popular place for Korean families to come and relax or have a weekend getaway. And while I'm not Korean, and trust me, we all knew that I wasn't, I didn't feel singled out or uncomfortable. 

Being Black in America comes with a lot of extra baggage that your forced to deal with whether you want to or not. And being staring at, no matter where I go or what I do, is quite common.

Get ready to have your mind blown, but I think I got less stares in the bath than I did on the street.

Crazy, right?

Here I am, naked as the day I was born, getting less stares, where I could literally stand in the middle of the street, conservatively dressed, and be the focus of people at all times.

It boggles the mind.

That aside, I had a great time! I was at the bathhouse to celebrate a friend's birthday, which may sound weird, but I low key wish I had thought of it first. I was so relaxed after a month of teaching and adjusting to my new life here in Korea.

We also stayed the night and were never short of snackage or good conversation. I do wish, that I hadn't been as tired as I was. I was so tired that my contacts were doing the thing where you can't see anything.

By the time we checked out, my body was completely relaxed, my vision was back, my skin was ridiculously smooth, and I was ready to face the day in a way I haven't in quite some weeks!

My advice is this: if you ever find yourself the chance of going to a bathhouse, go! It might be a little nerve-wracking (what with the naked part...), but you won't regret it!

#SaveOurToya

I hope you had a great birthday Matt! Though the 찜질방 threw me for a loop as a birthday location, you chose well~! May this year bring your many experiences with even better memories!

Week 9 - Festival in Geochang

Already at week 9? Wow. Okay. Time is seriously flying...and here I thought it would be kinda slow...what with figuring out how to juggle teaching 22 different classes a week (yes, I am writing 22 different lesson plans) and figuring out my social life.

There's kind of two things I wanted to highlight in this week's post. And instead of making one very long post, I decided to have two posts. I was a bit iffy on what to highlight for Week 9 since two very awesome things happened this week.

But, I figured my birthday post, should be its own.

So! Guess what my small town decides to have Week 2 of me being here?

That's right, a festival.

Before going, I had no idea what it was even about. Everyone kept saying 'festival! festival!' and I'm all, 'okay, but what kind of festival?' I would just get the same answer...I figured it would be easier to just go and find out myself.

Okay, small lie. I knew it was about Geochang. So, I guessed it would probably be something about apples? The town has apple things everywhere. I thought it was a pretty solid guess.

After attending one of the first days of the festival, I'm honestly still not too sure what it was for? All I know is that there was good food, rides, performances, and an indoor garden. There wasn't just one thing to look out for and honestly I'm okay with that. I got to grow closer with my Homestay family that my Host Dad now let's me call him 아버지, which means that I have built some serious 정.

I really enjoyed the festival and hope that I get more chances to go to others! (be it with the host fam or with friends!!)

Oh...and did I forget to mention I ate larvae?

#SaveOurToya

...Ya'll, they were cooking in a LEGITIMATE cauldron	My favorite festival snack!
아버지 was "shooting" tonight. (aka, he picked up the bill)	Foods you could order!
아버지 and I being cool af	Aren't I cute?
Still cute, nothing's changed.	Like I mentioned....FRUIT.
The 2018 Geochang Hanmadang Festival!	So Korean. Chicken and Beer

First Day Nerves

This is it. 

Today is my last night before I become a real teacher at Jusang Elementary School. What makes me finally 'real', you must be wondering?

I'm finally teaching a literal class tomorrow. 

I'm teaching four classes and yes, I am nervous as fuck.

Not so much in my teaching ability, but if I lesson planned well enough? Does that even make sense? 

If not...here's my defense: I've been sitting in the living room of my Homestay for the last 4 hours, making out my lesson plans. And before that, I was making a powerpoint for about an hour or so. It would've been less time, had I gotten more accurate information on where to start my lesson planning to begin with. 

The hardest part in a new job is the starting point. 

The messier your information, the harder it is to get your mind around everything.

I do pride myself in being able to sort out things out quickly and efficiently. But still...I'm allowed to be nervous!

It's normal!!!!

At least that's what I keep telling myself. 

So here's what I'm jumping into:

There has never been a Fulbright ETA at this school before me. They have one traveling teacher, who jumps between three schools. I am in contact with her, and bless that I am. Knowing where the kids left off before their break is much better on where to start, than suddenly being two chapters ahead. 

Which was the information I got on Friday. And on Friday, I banged out like four lesson plans, they were beautiful. But now...nevermind. Gotta use them later. Maybe in October?

I almost forgot!!

Don't let it fool you. This is not set.

Annndddddd, let's not forget that I don't even know my full schedule yet. I'll find out tomorrow. 

During go time. 

I feel like I'm a new driver with one foot on the gas, the other on the break, and another on the clutch. It's like I have three feet, two legs, with the street signs blown away by the typhoon. 

Gah.

So. Much. Gah.

Lesson learned (pun NOT intended): At the end of each class, semester, year, whatever...write where you left off. It's not only a good benefit for yourself, but also the next person coming in. You definitely want your administrative staff to be aware as well. 

Communication is so important, folks. I mean...don't leave home without it, important. 

There's so many other things going on, why make it harder?

My next post will be on Week 8 to talk about my first week in class. Any predictions on what's going to happen? I'd love to hear about it!

If you want to get updates on the latest #SaveOurToya shenanigans, please hit the FOLLOW  button to the right. I mean, why not? 

I'm a peach.

#SaveOurToya

First Day Lesson Planning

Before Orientation ended, we had to create a lesson plan for our first day. I was trying to be all smart and proactive by creating it on Google Slides so that I'll have access to it wherever and whenever.

But guess what I found out a few days ago.

No wifi.

So, no internet in the classroom...unless I'm willing to use my phone has a hot spot. Mmm, Mama ain't got that kinda data plan.

Which is why these last two days, I've been reworking my lesson plan to a none online source, that isn't Microsoft Powerpoint (since I lost access to it due to a whole other problem).

Y'all, my life is a hot mess and I don't know why...

#SaveOurToya