Permanency

Trigger warning: gun violence at school

Despite my trigger warning, I want it to be said, there was no actual gun violence at my school. No shooting. No injuries. The students and teachers are all okay.

Me?

...not so much.

Y'all, I don't know why this week has been so shitastic, but it's been crazy hard this week. From bad-mood inducing news from my host parents to being bad-touched on a train to a small panic attack during third period on a Thursday.

I would like nothing more than to tell you about a good day, a good moment, or a happy feeling, but frankly...this week has been battling me every step of the way.

As many of you know, I'm half-American. I was raised and educated in the USA, thus my perspective has a multitude of American influences on them.

And today....today, I learned a valuable lesson that I never gave much focus to before.

When walking to my second class today, I noticed that my kids were a little bit more rowdy than usual. It's been a wild week for them to, but in a happier way thankfully, so I left it at that. I'm glad they were having a good week, even if it meant I had to deal with crazy students. At least they were being a good kind of crazy. I was about to walk into the 5th grade classroom, when I noticed something black in the front of the classroom.

I'm so thankful for my observation skills.

So fucking thankful.

Because what I saw was what looked like a fake semiautomatic gun.

I want it also to be said, I was already aware that Korea has a very strict gun policy.

And it was these two things that kept me from being too triggered at the situation I was about to find myself.

When one of my sweetest kids held the gun up, pointed it directly at my chest, and told me I was under arrest, it took a lot for me to not let my fear show. I don't know if my students noticed that for a second, I felt the color drain from my face. I felt my heart pick up speed. I felt my legs about to give out. I felt my lungs about to spaz out.

And this was me reacting to what I knew was a fake gun.

These children do not know what it's like to be black in America. They don't know what it's like to hear about shootings.

They just don't know.

Which was what helped me keep it together.

I kept telling myself over and over, 'they don't know'  as I tried to teach them about phone call etiquette and not looking at the spot where the "gun" was placed. It was probably one of the hardest classes I had to push through thus far.

I know that moments like these are great moments to educate someone. And while I would've loved for them to know and realize what their actions can produce in someone, what I just went through, I was also aware that my head-space wasn't in the right place for it.

How can I tell my precious students that the police scare me? That guns scare me? That people who look like me struggle simply because of our skin color? That school shootings are a fact of life and not a game, back home?

How can I talk about a topic that gives me a panic attack?

Look, I know I've been complaining about the cold (who knew I'd miss central heating), but if it's one thing I'm thankful for during this cold time its the snow. Looking outside the windows at the gently falling snow has been my one of my main solaces during this time of emotional upheaval.

It allows me to focus my thoughts and calm my overworked heart.

I mentioned in my last post about gun violence (The Aftereffects), that I'm working through my feelings. I figured out just what those feelings are; after today's reaction, it was pretty easy to figure out.

I'm afraid of guns.

I'm afraid of how permanent they are. I mean...with a single twitch, I can lose someone dear to me, my loved ones could lose me. (Good lord that sounds selfishly Toya-centered!) So many beautiful souls have been lost to us already, and as it stands, there's no stopping the shooting back home. As of today, there have been roughly 329 shootings in 2018.

We always think...'that wouldn't happen to me', or 'that doesn't happen around here', but guys. You never really know.

#SaveOurToya