Crying At Work

That's right. I was crying at work today.

They weren't sad tears, but relieved ones. 

I think...

After the week from hell, I had another case of students using rude language in the classroom. Do you know what it's like to hear a student say, "what the fuck?" after you give them an assignment? A student who, four years ago was in kindergarten? 

And it's not just one student. It's many students. Who say it at different times, on different days.

I'm well aware that they're kids, who don't have a true understanding of what they're saying...but...come on. 

I've stopped class mid-session and called them out on it.

I've said sternly, many times, "No. We do not say that."

I've even kicked two kids out of my classroom, and spoke to them one-on-one. 

For four months, of constantly telling them to stop, that it makes me sad, that its not nice, I'm finally brought to tears. 

But not because they cursed me out. That, while hurtful, isn't something that could bring me to tears. They're a couple of decades to early for that. 

No, I was brought to tears because of the apology I just received. 

My fourth grade class, the hellion-class, the ones who have tried me every day, just all said their apologies to me in various states of devastation. It came to my attention that the class was made aware of how I felt when they spoke rudely to me, around me, against me. 

And in return, they asked me to meet them in the science classroom, so they could apologize.

Y'all, I don't even care that they said it in Korean (mostly) and that one of the teachers translated for me. I don't even care that they made me ugly cry in front of them. 

All I know and feel, is that my heart isn't as heavy anymore. After their individual apologies, I had a teacher translate my teary response.

Here's what I told them...more or less...

"I am so happy that you've all apologized. I don't think you understand how much it hurts my heart when you speak rudely. I am so far from home, and I want that we have fun together. I want to make good memories with all of you. My heart is much lighter now. Thank you."

Then I gave them all hugs, because hugs make everything better. It didn't matter that I was ugly crying...some of them were ugly crying...no, that's not what mattered. 

What mattered was that we were moving passed this tough time together. That they understood my feelings and I understood their's. 

That is why I don't think I can classify my tears as tears of relief. It wasn't relief that I was feeling...not exactly. I was feeling an overwhelming sense of connection. I felt that finally, we connected. That we understood each other. 

And now for the rest of the day, I have such a delicate balance on my emotions. I can feel myself sometimes tipping over towards, 'gurl, you abou'ta cry', and have to jolt myself back to a steady spot before I ugly cry in the 교무실 and we don't need that. 

No one needs that.

Well, I probably do. But I can cry at home when I have my hot chocolate with some marshmallows that apparently Daiso sells. 

#SaveOurToya