Saturdays

I can still remember a time when Saturdays were about lazy wake-ups, family breakfast, and catching my favorite Saturday morning cartoons. There had even been the odd day where I could slip back into bed and catch a few more minutes of sleep before I would be reprimanded into Saturday Cleaning Day fun.

Unfortunately, those Saturdays no longer exist for me. I can't remember when things started to change, or if it's even finished changing. What I do know is that on this sleepless Saturday morning, while walking to my Korean lesson, I made a realization on a matter I've been avoiding since elementary school. At some point during those formative years, I had begun lying to myself. One of the best well-kept known secrets.

This wake up call came while I was in the process of walking by a group of men this morning and did not feel threatened. Now, I cannot speak for all women (cis or trans), but many of us share an unwanted understanding. This awareness that we share is that a group of men does not equal safe. It doesn't matter if we are with friends or walking on the opposite side of the street. Too often have we heard of our sisters being targeted simply for trying to exist.

Rape culture is alive and thriving in this man's world where women are seen more as a way to improve a reputation than a person.

Another human-being.

So yeah. We understand each other's fear.

But this morning, as I walked by this group of men, that fear could not be found. It wasn't because I suddenly felt a sense of womanly empowerment. Or the fact that Korea has felt safer to me than a time in the states. No, fear was no where to be found.

What I felt instead was my anxiety questioning if any of them found me even remotely worth looking at outside of my clearly foreign features. If I was even remotely worth attacking.

Let me say that again.

If I was even remotely worth attacking.

The wave of anger and disappointment that overcame me when I registered what I had just thought was so heavy, I had to sit down. I slipped into the nearest cafe and found a seat. I could ask myself if I lost my damn mind as many times as I wanted, but I wouldn't have been able to answer.

Because there it was.

The secret that has always been there, but I've managed to avoid in an almost comical routine as I pushed through the day. I finally confronted my unspoken secret on the second floor of an Ediya cafe, two hours before my Korean lesson on a Saturday morning.

My lack of self-esteem, my self-worth...they were no longer a secret.

I don't know how this may change me, now that I'm acknowledging what I lack. Maybe I'll find that empowerment or perhaps my self-esteem will get at least a little boost?

Who really knows?

#SaveOurToya

Learning Korean

Friends back home must be shook that I took this long to finally write a post about learning Korean. Unlike my language learning in the past, I have no regrets this go around.

That's right, I used to have regrets when it came to learning languages. Or maybe it was more...guilt? 

Look, either way...there were some negative feelings. Even when I was learning French, which I have a degree in. And at some point, the negativity grew so overwhelming, it hindered me from enjoying French. It hindered me from getting better at French.

It kind of just held me down and wouldn't let go.

Even when I tried getting out of the funk by studying ASL. Things seemed like they were going better, but next thing I knew...

NOPE!

I kind of forgot what it meant to learn a new language. Why I enjoyed it so much. 

Until very recently, anyways. I remembered that the point in learning a new language was having fun with it! If you get fixated on the finer details or shy about your ability, you may end up like I did a few years ago.

A rut.

A rut filled with disappointments and a complete lack of motivation.

All-in-all, my French phase was ROUGH.

Which is why I don't want to slip into that same pattern that took the joy out of language engagement when it comes to learning Korean.

Now, my level may be a shaky step from the starting line, but it's a GOOD step. A step forward, and that's all that matters. I'm going to try my damned hardest not to be shy in my Korean. Nor will I be so obsessed on my Korean being perfect.

What matters is the engagement!

Today in class, while others were making sentences like, '만두 맛있어요!'[Dumplings are delicious!], I'm gonna be that student who says, '손 두개 있어요'. [I have two hands.]

I'm going to be the student who is going to try and take what we learned that day and apply it to me and not just reiterate the same old lingo. (Yes, I do have 2 hands. Wild. I know.)

Every new vocabulary word is going to be added to my Quizlet Word Bank. Even if grammar is out the window, mostly because we haven't studied it yet, at least I am gathering the parts together to at least start the puzzle.

I LOVE puzzles by the way.

And sure, maybe sometimes I'll struggle and get shy. 

But hell...

I'm trying, and that's what matters.

#SaveOurToya

Host Families

May I be frank?

Because I think it's time we've had a real conversation about host families. It's such a big part of the Fulbright Korea experience, after all.

I've mentioned my host family in the past a few times already, both in a positive and not so positive light. I haven't necessarily hidden anything, but I think I've finally figured out how to describe a homestay.

And though you may not like what I'm about to say, its the honest truth.

A homestay family is what you make of it.

Each family is different. And that's the most important thing to understand. No one family is alike. They all have different situations going on, with different plans and ideas. They even have these preconceived ideas of who you are. They worry about what to feed you as they are required to feed you both breakfast and dinner. They make agreements with your school before your arrival.

Or not with your school and everyone finds out last minute or mid-way through your grant year.

Now, none of these statements are excuses. They are simply statements of facts that can and/or will affect your homestay life.

Does that mean that you live as if the other shoe may drop at any second?

Maybe.

But it doesn't have to be that way.

I already said it. Homestay life is what you make of it.

So, how do you handle moments that leave you- well...freaking out?

First, your freakout is totally understandable. There's nothing wrong with it. Nothing.

Its the next part that's a little harder. Making an informed decision of what to do next.

For example. Your homestay family just told you something that basically sounds like you're going to be homeless in a month or two due to them only agreeing to six months of housing you.

That's all they tell you and it's left you floundering for at least a week.

But there's more.

There's always more...

That is why making an informed decision is so hard.

So, you have to give it time, even though you don't want to give it time. No, that's the furthest thing from your mind of what you want to do. Time? Ugh, no. But time you must give. Because then you find out the truth.

The truth why you're only staying for six months.

It can take weeks before you get the full story, but at the same time, you're going crazy from all the thoughts.

Homestays can be hard, they can be challenging in ways you least expect them to be. But you can also have fun and have loads of inside jokes with your homestay family. Half a year can fly by and you don't even know it.

Make what you can at your homestay, and never not try to connect with the people that you live with. You may be surprised who you're living with, whether the situation is bad or good.

#SaveOurToya

Train Naps

All I wanted to do was nap.

Hey everyone, I'm going to be very candid here, and let you know this may be a triggering piece. If the topic of sexual harassment/assault and/or non-consensual makes you uncomfortable, than this post is not for you.

That being said...I want to follow up with, "I'm okay". I went back and forth on whether I should post this, but then I remembered the reasons I started this blog. And one of those reasons was honesty.

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I had a late night on Friday. I had a fabulous dinner at a bulgogi "tent" with a friend in Daegu, followed by a cute cafe. As in, I'm pretty sure I found my favorite cafe in Daegu. It gave me a wholesome feeling and that's what mattered most.

This week had not been kind to me. :(

So, from cafe to hostel, I wasn't asleep until just before midnight. When I went to sleep, I was excited for Saturday. I was going to catch a train to Seoul, do some shopping, German restaurant (!), and see some friends for a five hour meeting (more excited for the friends than the five hour meeting). My Saturday was planned with the precision of a daughter raised by a German mother.

The second I sat on my train at 4:30am, I was ready to nap the whole ride. Seeing as I barely had three hours of sleep.

Clearly,  a nap sounds lovely, doesn't it?

And yet...someone had to ruin it.

Sitting in my window seat, with my large winter coat covering me, listening to my audiobook, eyes closed. I was relaxed and enjoying myself. It was so peaceful that I was about to turn off my audiobook and fall asleep.

I did not give it a second thought. My last few train rides were very chill and relaxed.

I registered that someone had sat down next to me, but that happens. You don't get to pick your seats, the system does. I shifted over a little since I figured the person was a little bigger than me, what with our arms and legs touching.

So, I shift.

But then I felt an arm resting on my side, and a leg pressing against my own...again.

So, I shift over...again.

Then I felt it all over...again.

Which is when I realized, this person is purposely being overly touchy. They're leaning on me, pressing against me, touching me...on purpose.

I hated it. I did not want it. I wanted to shove them away from me. Off of me. But I couldn't find it in me, and that made my frustration build.

In a single moment, this person turned me into an object. An object that they thought they had the right to touch. To invade.

I was uncomfortable...angry...disappointed...scared.

I was floundering about, trying to find a way to get out of the situation I found myself in. What do you do in a situation like this? Do I shout? Do I push him away? And if I do, what then? What will happen next? Will I be able to defend myself, or will he say its just the talk of a delusional foreigner trying to ruin his reputation? And with my limited Korean, will I properly be able to defend myself?

All these thoughts kept flashing through my head along with just how confident this person was going to be in a public space.

It was a few short minutes, but for me...it felt hours long. I felt trapped in my window seat, with this silencing invader hovering around me, taking away my voice. A voice I fought to have. Continue to fight to have. And yet...at that moment, I couldn't have a voice. It was robbed from me.

I became the object this person thought I was.

At some point, I found something inside of me. Perhaps it was a reminder of who I am or a hidden strength that has belied my actions for years that couldn't stay silent. I don't know what it was, but I'm so thankful for it. Because at that moment, I finally sat up and looked my attacker in the eye.

At this point, he'd already begun touching my thigh with his own hand, still pushed fully against my side.

And just like that, everything changed.

His leg was no longer pressed against mine. His fingers were no longer touching my thigh. His arm was no longer resting on me as if I was the arm rest. An object.

This whole experience was a reminder that while Korea has given me a safer sense of security than the states, there is still dangers. Dangers that can come at you when you're sleeping. Dangers that can take your voice that you continue to fight for.

This was not my first assault, but it was my first one in Korea. And while I hoped that it would never happen, it has. And I know it won't be the last time. My own autonomy is constantly in question, simply because I'm a woman. I'm not even factoring in all my other identities that take my autonomy further away from me.

Sometimes, life isn't easy and right now, I'm struggling with one of those moments. While I could put all my energy into wishing it never happened, it did.

It happened.

#SaveOurToya

If you or someone you know is ever put in a situation that is no bueno, and you need to talk to someone, please check out the information below. Everyone has different ways with coping and moving past a situation, so this is by no means me telling you what to do. I only want you to have all the resources possible.

Migrant Women's Hotline (365 days/years, English and 7 other languages): 02-1577-1366 or outside Seoul, local area code + 1577-1366.

Seoul Call Center: 120 (02-1220 cell phone/outside Seoul) then press '9' for foreign languages

And evidently 112 and 119 sometimes have English options depending on region and shift but they both automatically trace your phone when you do call.

Asia Emergency Association: 790-7561
Which is a bit more roundabout but might be easier if you need a guaranteed English speaker

Permanency

Trigger warning: gun violence at school

Despite my trigger warning, I want it to be said, there was no actual gun violence at my school. No shooting. No injuries. The students and teachers are all okay.

Me?

...not so much.

Y'all, I don't know why this week has been so shitastic, but it's been crazy hard this week. From bad-mood inducing news from my host parents to being bad-touched on a train to a small panic attack during third period on a Thursday.

I would like nothing more than to tell you about a good day, a good moment, or a happy feeling, but frankly...this week has been battling me every step of the way.

As many of you know, I'm half-American. I was raised and educated in the USA, thus my perspective has a multitude of American influences on them.

And today....today, I learned a valuable lesson that I never gave much focus to before.

When walking to my second class today, I noticed that my kids were a little bit more rowdy than usual. It's been a wild week for them to, but in a happier way thankfully, so I left it at that. I'm glad they were having a good week, even if it meant I had to deal with crazy students. At least they were being a good kind of crazy. I was about to walk into the 5th grade classroom, when I noticed something black in the front of the classroom.

I'm so thankful for my observation skills.

So fucking thankful.

Because what I saw was what looked like a fake semiautomatic gun.

I want it also to be said, I was already aware that Korea has a very strict gun policy.

And it was these two things that kept me from being too triggered at the situation I was about to find myself.

When one of my sweetest kids held the gun up, pointed it directly at my chest, and told me I was under arrest, it took a lot for me to not let my fear show. I don't know if my students noticed that for a second, I felt the color drain from my face. I felt my heart pick up speed. I felt my legs about to give out. I felt my lungs about to spaz out.

And this was me reacting to what I knew was a fake gun.

These children do not know what it's like to be black in America. They don't know what it's like to hear about shootings.

They just don't know.

Which was what helped me keep it together.

I kept telling myself over and over, 'they don't know'  as I tried to teach them about phone call etiquette and not looking at the spot where the "gun" was placed. It was probably one of the hardest classes I had to push through thus far.

I know that moments like these are great moments to educate someone. And while I would've loved for them to know and realize what their actions can produce in someone, what I just went through, I was also aware that my head-space wasn't in the right place for it.

How can I tell my precious students that the police scare me? That guns scare me? That people who look like me struggle simply because of our skin color? That school shootings are a fact of life and not a game, back home?

How can I talk about a topic that gives me a panic attack?

Look, I know I've been complaining about the cold (who knew I'd miss central heating), but if it's one thing I'm thankful for during this cold time its the snow. Looking outside the windows at the gently falling snow has been my one of my main solaces during this time of emotional upheaval.

It allows me to focus my thoughts and calm my overworked heart.

I mentioned in my last post about gun violence (The Aftereffects), that I'm working through my feelings. I figured out just what those feelings are; after today's reaction, it was pretty easy to figure out.

I'm afraid of guns.

I'm afraid of how permanent they are. I mean...with a single twitch, I can lose someone dear to me, my loved ones could lose me. (Good lord that sounds selfishly Toya-centered!) So many beautiful souls have been lost to us already, and as it stands, there's no stopping the shooting back home. As of today, there have been roughly 329 shootings in 2018.

We always think...'that wouldn't happen to me', or 'that doesn't happen around here', but guys. You never really know.

#SaveOurToya

The Aftereffects

Trigger Warning: mass shootings, feelings being validated, emotional rambling on triggering topic
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Nose clogging.

Throat throbbing.

Eyes watering.

Head aching.

And yet, its the latest news about a mass shooting in a California bar that is making it hard for me to breath. Guys, I don't know where this naive thought came from, but for whatever reason, I thought that once I came to Korea, I'd stop hearing about shootings.

No more heart stopping news.

No more breath quickening to painful levels.

No more.

Joke's on me, I guess.

I'm recovering from a fever right now, not having the most comfortable of week, and it pales in comparison to how I feel.

I am well aware that the topic of mass shootings is a sensitive topic for me. The fact that a fellow Fulbrighter had asked how to broach the topic of mass shootings in America for their Korean students had me tensing, sweating, and breath quickening. It was hint enough that this was a topic that triggered me.

And here's what I recognize.

This is something I need to work through, but I'm not ready to talk nor do I know where to begin. Do I start with the school drills I learned in school for whenever there was a shooter on campus? Or do I start with the attempted mass shooting at my university during my undergrad days? Or the false alarm during grad school? What about Pulse? Parkland?

I keep having to stop typing. My fingers keep stalling.

During the recovery in Orlando after Pulse, I heard from various sources that it's okay to feel what you feel. That your feelings are valid.

That my feelings are valid.

But...maybe its because I'm not surrounded by the community that knew what it was like, or because I've been lulled into a bubble of safety since moving here, but its been getting harder to stay steady whenever I hear about a shooting.

Of all the things to have to prepare myself for with my move, finding support for moments like these was not something I thought I had to do.

I'm working through these emotions, I am.

But it's not easy....hell, writing this post was not easy. I mentioned that I had to stop typing many times. My fingers were literally tensing and causing me to hit the wrong keys. It doesn't help that my thoughts are all over the place and stringing one thought together was so hard.

Partly because of the fever, but mostly because of this topic.

This post was/is more for me than it was for you, I admit. An attempt at putting it all down. Granted, I'm doing better now than I did when I first started this post.

If only it were that easy to move past this.

#SaveOurToya

화이팅 (in More Ways than One)

Many of you have reached out to me, sharing your love and positivity during a time I wasn't able to do the same for myself. That is why this post is for you.

To you, who made me smile when I couldn't muster one up myself.

To you, who reminded me that I'm not alone.

To you, who talked me through my thoughts.

To you, who stood beside me.

To you, who listened.

To you, who cared.

To you...

I give you my thanks, my appreciation, and my affection. I know that many of you have your own problems that you're working through. And they are by no means less than someone else's. So, the fact that you took time to reach out means more to me than I can ever express. Know that if you need a willing ear or just someone to talk to, I am here for you.

Without hesitation.

#SaveOurToya

Week 10 - Korean Bathhouses

I really shouldn't worry about not having something to post about. Because every week, I do something or see something that is blog worthy. Work was rough this week, but I also went to a Korean bathhouse and relaxed like nobody's business.

Between the two, I'm sure you can guess what I'm gonna talk about it (you know, if the title of the post didn't give it away...)

You: "Oh, you took a bath? Good for you."

Ha!

I didn't just take a bath. I took a bath with 30 other women. 

Well...basically.

We weren't all in the same bath, but I saw more naked people in 1 hour than I ever have in my whole life combined. It was quite the experience!

Many of you back home must be wondering just what am I getting myself into over in Korea?

It's not signing myself up for an unexpected trip unknowingly...at least not in this post. I purposefully agreed to go to the Korean bathhouse, or as it is known in Korea a 찜질방. And yes, I knew I would be stripping down naked where other women can see me. I did not go into this blind.

I went into this experience as one should, open-minded. A 찜질방 is a very common and popular place for Korean families to come and relax or have a weekend getaway. And while I'm not Korean, and trust me, we all knew that I wasn't, I didn't feel singled out or uncomfortable. 

Being Black in America comes with a lot of extra baggage that your forced to deal with whether you want to or not. And being staring at, no matter where I go or what I do, is quite common.

Get ready to have your mind blown, but I think I got less stares in the bath than I did on the street.

Crazy, right?

Here I am, naked as the day I was born, getting less stares, where I could literally stand in the middle of the street, conservatively dressed, and be the focus of people at all times.

It boggles the mind.

That aside, I had a great time! I was at the bathhouse to celebrate a friend's birthday, which may sound weird, but I low key wish I had thought of it first. I was so relaxed after a month of teaching and adjusting to my new life here in Korea.

We also stayed the night and were never short of snackage or good conversation. I do wish, that I hadn't been as tired as I was. I was so tired that my contacts were doing the thing where you can't see anything.

By the time we checked out, my body was completely relaxed, my vision was back, my skin was ridiculously smooth, and I was ready to face the day in a way I haven't in quite some weeks!

My advice is this: if you ever find yourself the chance of going to a bathhouse, go! It might be a little nerve-wracking (what with the naked part...), but you won't regret it!

#SaveOurToya

I hope you had a great birthday Matt! Though the 찜질방 threw me for a loop as a birthday location, you chose well~! May this year bring your many experiences with even better memories!

Week 8 - Consistency is a Thing of the Past...Apparently

For a second there, I didn't know what I was going to post about...

But then I remember something that happened during Day 2 of teaching.

I don't think you'll ever guess what happened. (Unless we happened to speak to each other during this week.)

Five minutes before I was about to teach my last class of the day, literally FIVE minutes, I get a "Toya-teacher, hi. Can you teach for three hours...straight?" (There was a lot more stop and go, with mistranslations and lots of confusion. But it boils down to that.)

Please note, that I only had a single lesson plan in my hand, wasn't even that good of a lesson plan, that would last for 40 minutes.

Now, I haven't had a math class in quite some time...BUT! Crazy thing, I do know that 40 minutes does not equal three hours.

In my head, "FUCK."

What I actually said, "Three hours? Where? The computer room? Okay!" And skipped my internally freaking out behind back to the first floor where the kids were waiting for me.

Y'all...I really don't know how I survived it. But somehow...I did it.

Looking back, I can hear what one of my favorite coworkers use to say all the time. "Consistency is key!" Out of everyone in our office, she was the one to remain consistent for the two years that I was working there. And she has a point.

Consistency is so important. It helps keep things organized and succinct.

But the way I'm feeling it while being in Korea...not so much.

But before we get all 'rawr rawr' about it, there are some things to keep in mind. Yes, it was day two, and WTF!?, but also. It was Day 2. My schedule is still tentative as they try out having a full-time English teacher. And yes. I am the English teacher. Not the assistant.

There is definitely a language barrier. And that can be really intimidating on getting information across quickly and confidently. Not that it's an excuse, but it is a factor that plays a role whether we like it or not.

Also, did I mention I was their first full-time ETA? Yeah. It's all a bit crazy.

Hopefully, things get better for next week!

So, I want to hear your thoughts! Do you think you'd be okay with someone springing a three-hour class on you all of a sudden? What are your thoughts on consistency? How would you have handled this situation?

If you want to get updates on the latest #SaveOurToya shenanigans, please hit the FOLLOW  button to the right. I mean, why not?

#SaveOurToya

Day 1 at my Homestay

My first morning here was very nerve-wracking. I was a bit sick to my stomach really.

I had taken a bite of my bread with jam, thinking how different such a familiar thing tasted and suddenly, it was getting really hard to chew.

I really don't know how I did it. And when I swallowed it, it felt like a rock going down. I had to put my bread down and take a sip from my drink. I was so relieved when it went down without an issue.

I had to take a bite, sip at my drink, back and forth for a good ten minutes.

It was the worst wave of homesickness I ever got while being in Korea. I hadn't realized that my cohort had kept so much of the unfamiliar at bay while we were together. Sure, we were kind of isolated in Songdo, but still. Everything around us was very Korean.

During breakfast, I thought I would be struggling with this uncomfortable-ness for the rest of the day, but I didn't.

My Homestay fam took me out and we relaxed in a remote location where I was surrounded by nature and fresh air (featured in my week 7 post!). I didn't even have my phone with me (just my camera!). I don't think I'll ever be able to tell them how thankful I was that they let me join them on their outing.

I really needed it.

It's Day 2 right now, and as it stands...I'm a lot more calm...and confident in my actions and motions.

I know it'll come back...but for now. I will just enjoy the calmness.

#SaveOurToya

Stronger than I Look - First Month Update

My feelings have reached a new level of exasperation. I am frustrated, apathetic, amused, challenged content, tired, disappointed, excited, and inspired. So much has happened in this month between meeting everyone in my cohort, teaching for the first time, workshops, and trying to figure out what this year will bring me.

Instead of studying for my midterm, I wanted to get something off my chest.

This last week has been...a challenge. I'm not too sure if I can get the words out- hell, I don't even think I can properly express these emotions properly.

Please be patient as I try to put feelings into words. This may be all over the place, but...meh. I'm okay with that.

During one of our workshops, Culture Shock was explained to us. It's not the first time I've heard of it, and I've learned some techniques to handle it during my many travels/moves. Thankfully, I haven't had to experience the intensity that Culture Shock can reach in my past.

But maybe I'll feel it while in South Korea? The culture is quite different from home and anywhere else I've traveled. It's still undetermined, but I'm hopeful that everything will work itself out the way it needs to.

I'm mentioning Culture Shock, because that's probably the first thing others bring up when what I'm about to express is used as an explanation for my feelings. And fine, it may play a role, but if it's one thing I know well, it's that there's more to a story, person, and feeling.

Everything has an origin story, but so much goes into that story that leaving anything out is not only a disservice to the story, but something else entirely. I cannot blame my emotions on Culture Shock, not alone.

Alright, enough stalling. Time to jump right in to the heart of the matter.

I want to read my posts from April and May, to see where my emotions were back then, but I'm hesitant. I had hopes and goals that I wanted to meet. I fear that reading those posts will bring my disappointment to the forefront. No one likes being disappointed in themselves. One day, I'll look at them again, but I don't think I'm in the right place currently to do that.

Why is dealing with emotions such a struggle?

I think I've reached a point in my Orientation where I'm asking myself why am I here. Yes...I have a duty as a cultural ambassador while here under Fulbright's name. A responsibility I am honored to uphold and wish nothing more than to be successful for my country and my communities that I represent, support, and adore.

I want nothing more than to do right by my students and my Homestay Family.

But...I want to do something more.

And yet...what is that more?

I titled this post Stronger than I Look, for two reasons. 1) A friend of mine recently gave me news that I'm on the right path that I need to be on. I will come across trials that may appear daunting, but I have what it takes to get passed it.

And 2) a shout-out to my past. Since as far back as I can recall, I've always took on many tasks and have made it my point to exceed all expectations no matter the request. Of course, I also know how to say 'no'. But more often than not, my quick mind comes up with multiple solutions or answers before I turn to 'no'.

Though my strength exists...I'm also tired. Perhaps, I should hold off on the more and take my time to live a life without the demands that I'm familiar with. I'm still not done with my journey, but there's no shame in getting off at a nearby rest stop. Who knows when I'll get this chance again to stretch my legs, using the bathroom, and restock?

What are my emotions?

What are my actions?

Who knows. But as of now, with one month behind me since I've come to Korea, guess we'll just have to wait and see what I get up to.

#SaveOurToya

Week 2 - La's Placement

Hands slightly shaking with sweaty palms. Breaths coming faster, but controlled. Blood rushing to my ears. Clenching fingers squeeze briefly before letting go.

It was go time.

When I heard my name, all the worries and noises went away. I knew what I had to do during my Placement Ceremony. 

It was go time.

Paper in hand, standing straight in front of Director Shim, I gave a 90-degree bow and was then off to place my sticker on the map. 

It was go time.

Clearly...its in the red part...

I have the honor to be teaching at 주상초등학교 (Jusang Elementary School) in 거창군 (Geochang county). It is the province of 경상남도(Gyeongsangnam-do). And by the looks of it, it's a small village school! While some of my fellow ETAs are going to be teaching 500+ students, I will be teaching what looks to be 19 students. 

That's right, Fam.

You read that right.

19 students.

As in ten plus nine equals nineteen! 

I will be taking whatever chance I can to practice/learn Korean as my students will be working hard to learn English! If teacher can do it, so can they!

Relatedly, I don't know how well y'all know your Korean education systems, but elementary school goes up to sixth grade. And since ETAs start teaching at third grade, I will have 3rd, 4th, 5th, and 6th graders. My fourth grade class looks to be the biggest with ten students. My smallest classes have three students. 

Fam, I can't lie here. These are literally the numbers I was given/researched through the internet.

Do I have any concerns?

Well, I did. I mean, I went from city beautiful, to what looks to be a mountain township. It'll be a big change. And I think I'm ready for that. This is what I've been waiting for these last three years - a challenge! - and I'm ready!

But what I am preparing myself for is being the first black person the people in my township may be meeting. It doesn't look like there were any former ETAs at this school, it's a small place and up in a mountainous area. Then here I come in all my wonderful, beautiful glory or a hot mess. Not only am I representing America and Fulbright, but the black community for this township.

I am really thankful that I've had the chance to talk to former/renewing ETAs who are black and discussed their experiences. It's helped settle a lot of my concerns.

However, I don't think I can get rid of my all of my concern just yet. Not until I'm there and have established myself!

With my placement mostly out of the way, it's all about meeting my Placement Family now! I'll be working hard on my Korean!

Until next week's post...make good choices Fam (like dropping a comment!)

#SaveOurToya

Guess What...

At the end of the month, I will be holding my first lesson. Together with another ETA, we will be holding a small lesson (by small, I mean 45 mins in length) and I am excited and nervous at the same time!

Ugh, this feeling is lowkey frustrating!!!!

Having never taught a class and using what skills I've picked up while getting my TEFL certificate and certification in TESOL, I'm keeping my fingers crossed that my partner and I will be fantastic and awesome. 😎

Which we totally are.

But...nerves are normal and natural. Just...gotta...get to the point where I'm in the classroom and doing the thing.

The teaching thing.

...!

In other news, I hope to take part in all of the activities outside of the classroom that FEP will be holding in addition. These kids sound like an awesome bunch already.

And who knows! Might end up teaching one of them one day...

Keep your fingers crossed for me~!

#SaveOurToya

The Nerves are Here

Oh my gaaaawwwwdddd.

I'm so energized that I can't even sleep. I got maybe, maybe, 3 hours of sleep. And all because I fell asleep watching TV (I seriously need to rewatch that episode of GoT).Waking up on the couch was really startling.

So yes. Energized with a sleepless-ish night!

*takes a deep breath*

I leave for the airport in 6 hours...

...it's almost here and I'm feeling all the emotions. Excitement-anxiety. Happiness-fear. Joy-sad.

The only emotion I'm not feeling is anger. There's no room for that hot mess.

It's five am, I could be do something more productive than trolling on Facebook while listening to showtunes. I mean, I just have a few small things left to pack and that's only because I need them to get ready in the morning.

Sorry for the disjointed thoughts here. I'm a bit all over right now!

#SaveOurToya