아시다시피...

"For five minutes, five, there is no Korean. Only English. If I hear Korean, we restart."

These were the words my 5th grade class got to hear. And I don't know if it's because I've been teaching for almost 1.5 years, the silence/paying attention for once, or all the TEDx talks I've been listening to, but today's lesson went almost perfectly.

The only thing that didn't go well...I didn't get to finish some of the slides. But that's okay. I'll just put them to Friday's lesson as a review for today's lesson.

No sweat.

Yet, despite having a great teaching day so far (I've taught 2 classes, and that 1st class could've gone better, I also know it could've gone A LOT worse, which is why I'm taking my win, thank you very much), I cannot get away from the explosive anger I still feel from last Friday.

Now, before I tell you what happened, let me try to put this anger to words.

I'm not a person who gets angry often. I can be, and I have been, but generally you can see happiness when you see me. Of course, under all that happiness is my social anxiety, depression, and a lack of self-worth, but the point is, no anger.

I like to get along with everyone I meet, but that can be hard. Some people don't vibe well, or they have no interest in being on good terms.

And fair. I respect that.

Boundaries are important.

What I can't respect is blatant disrespect. I don't just get angry. I get pissed.

You may not see smoke coming out of my ears, my face glowing as a visually red thermometer effect is happening, or growls coming from the back of my throat, but I won't be silent.

Unlike some people. (Is this a dig a certain group of people? Oh yes. It is. Keep reading until the end to see who.)

Not sure if I successfully penned out my words, but I did say I would try.

Let's get into what happened.

On Friday, it was lunch time. And lunch time meant soccer. Of course, waiting to let your stomach settle...not exactly on anyone's mind. We were about to have fun.

I promised a student I would be on the pitch, finished up my lunch, and felt pretty relaxed as I hustled to my spot in the goal.

At first, things started off well. I mean, for elementary schoolers playing soccer, there's passing and not bad passes. I see a lot of potential on the field, but all that potential goes out of the window the second these kids started to feel inadequate, ignored, or some other word that starts with 'i' that has a negative connotation.

I may not be a soccer expert, but as someone who played the sport for 9-ish years, playing almost every position (but goalie, ironically), with soccer camps, tournaments, and various teams, I'm definitely proficient enough to understand how the sport goes.

And with soccer, what doesn't fly, is narcissistic bullshit.

Guess who brings their narcissistic bullshit on the pitch?

The school's "best player".

Now, guess who gets hurt by it?

Everybody. The other team, teammates, the "best player".

I don't know what's going on in this kid's life or what may have truly sparked the narcissism (I can guess all I want), but you bring this bullshit on the pitch, people are going to get hurt.

Emotionally.

Physically.

Which is what happened on Friday.

The "best player", in his effort to be first to the ball as this whole game wasn't going his way, was tripped by another child who is 4-5 years younger than him on accident. We all understand how young children are here to play and have fun and what do you mean my limbs don't function the way I want them too?

But our "best player", as he fell and cried on the ground like the best Italian player, he was also up off the ground in the blink of an eye and shoving his "attacker" to the ground and saying spiteful words.

I think I teleported to these kids' sides so fast I broke the sound barrier. And, as a bonus feature, my students got to see what happens when you push me too far. As a daughter of a retired veteran, I've experienced a few...let's call them "army tactics"...when it comes to showing your displeasure with someone without putting your hands on a person.

1) My voice dropped several octaves.
2) I got close.
3) I kept it curt.
4) I didn't blink.

Now...this also comes with an intimidation factor that one should use responsibly. Personally, I don't like using it on children. There are other ways to get correct behavior.

And yet...

*sigh*

In my guilt, I let the game finish. It was much more toned down, except now the "best player" was releasing their anger on me. (Rather me than someone 4-5 years younger than them.)

Five minutes later, I was messaging a friend if they could translate something for me. Between leaving the pitch and sitting at my desk, I realized that what had happened could've been avoided. Sure, I had spoken up in the past when I saw unfair play, but unfortunately, it sometimes happens.

I realized, I should've been more strict about it.

I realized, I couldn't play with people who couldn't respect the game, let alone each other.

Toya teacher...she was done playing soccer.

Until my students learn to respect each other and the game, they can bet I won't be on that pitch for a single second.

And you know what else?

I wasn't the only teacher playing soccer. There were three other adults, one actively playing with us, who didn't do a damn thing.

Not a single consequence, scolding (outside of mine), nothing.

Where is the accountability?

A lot of people already drop the ball where I am concerned, but the students? Don't drop their ball. Unlike our students, I don't need someone to teach me how to act. I've had my lessons. But these kids....they're still learning. Give them their boundaries. Give them their realities. Give them their responsibilities.

As you know,

#SaveOurToya

Is it Racism?

UPDATED: 10/07/2019

Lately, I've been thinking about the privilege those in my school have. I can't say that I know their lives or what they've been through, but what I can say...they don't know what it's like to be African-American.

Korea is a pre-dominantly homogeneous society, surrounded by countries that are closer to their own characteristics. According to The Korea Times, a little over 3% of the population are foreigners back in 2016. Now, how much of that 3% are of non-Asian descent, or can't be considered 'passing'. As you can see, when you're not Asian, you stick out.

There's no hiding your foreignness.

And for the most part, I've been chill with it. Maybe because I'm a minority back home, or maybe because I'm a minority within my own minority. It's not often I come across half African-American and half German babies like myself. However, within America, we have started the discussion about the 'p' word.

Privilege.

Within American society, there are people who deny its existence. Their reasoning: I've never seen it.

And to no one's surprise, those who've never seen it are also the same ones who have it.

Being privileged in America is like having that famed hall pass. Here, let me explain.

Picture a regular school hallway. Add some lockers, school banners, questionable color schemes, everything that can come to mind when you think 'school hallway'. It's empty of course, as it's class time. Everyone is doing what they're supposed to, or attempting to, within their classrooms. Each classroom has their own rules and codes they have to adhere to, but they all follow the overall school rule of hall passes.

Hall passes allow you to be out of your classroom and walk through the empty hallways per the teacher's reasons. Those reasons can range from bathroom permissions or bringing something to the office. Maybe, it's to run a message to another teacher or go to the infirmary. The hall pass leaves you free from suspicion from the hall monitor that is roaming around the school ensuring order in the hallways.

After all, there are rules!

No one in the halls during class time.

Rules that can be bypassed with a hall pass.

Unless you have a hall pass.

And that's what it's like to have privilege. Someone in power bestows upon you this 'hall pass' at their discretion.

So, what does privilege look like in Korea?

In simpler terms, it looks like a successful Korean man who went to a SKY university, speaks Korean and (American) English who is rich. The way Korean culture has blossomed, has given a traditional importance to social hierarchy within language, both verbal and physical. It's been an interesting time learning the different levels of speaking formally and how to behave when drinking with coworkers.

These social norms have become such a part of my day to day, that I even reflect them when acting with other foreigners. Two hands when pouring them a drink, using casual polite speech when speaking Korean, bowing, etc.

That being said, recently I've been seeing behavior that leaves me...at a loss.

At first, I thought it was 'shyness'.

This person is new to the school and I'm clearly not Korean. It's common to come across many Koreans who are shy to interact with foreigners for a multitude of reasons. I'm not here to judge those reasons and do my best to understand them. I know what it's like to be surrounded by a multitude of cultures, skin colors, and languages. To judge someone not accustomed to such would be in bad taste.

Which is why I do my best to seem inviting. Kind smile, always a 'hello'- polite acknowledgement, really.

But after a couple of months with behavior turning from what appeared like 'shyness' to 'potential racism', I had to take a step back and look at my situation.

Am I quick to throw racism onto the situation? Is it my race that is causing them concern?

Well, I don't know.

So, then I tried to look at behavior. Always having their back to me, avoiding me, never responding to 'hello' in English or Korean, not eating lunch at the same time (anymore), and catching tale end furtive looks. I've seen polite friendliness change to instant disinterest when they realize they're talking to a foreigner.

That last one is what's stopping me from saying 'racism', but 'xenophobia'. I think this person has a dislike for 'foreign'.

So, why did I think racism, first?

Because that same person who gets to ignore me has had the freedom to be Korean in Korea, where they wouldn't be labeled as criminal simply because you were black. They don't know what it's like to be afraid of the police, that any stop could be your last stop. They didn't inherit the fear, anger, and distrust that I and all my brothers and sisters did.

My coworker has the privilege to act the way the do, not worried about how I would perceive it. To them, it may just seem they're giving an air of dislike, but to me...it's the attitude of a racist.

This person is not only xenophobic, but a racist.

This whole experience has soured my attitude a bit about teaching at my school. Being isolated is common in teaching abroad experiences, and some days it's harder than others. To counteract it, I've found my own ways to settle the feelings of segregation (and ain't that a smack in the face from the past).

And they were going well, until this latest mind-fuck.

#SaveOurToya

High Beginner...I guess?

A while ago, I wrote about reaching a goal point in my language learning. I also mentioned that I was starting up my Korean classes again.

I am officially two weeks into my classes and I already scored 100% on my first test.

My reward: getting popcorn at the movies tonight.

But I didn't just stop at signing up for classes. I also made a language exchange partner! We've met once and speak often on KakaoTalk, but it's still a relatively new relationship. I hope to write more about the experience later.

As to why I got an exchange partner...well, I kind of fell into it. It started with a conversation with a friend about their language acquisition, then downloading an app, and then posting like I was on Facebook, but with less memes and more Korean. Within two weeks of actively using the app, I made a few connections to various people for language exchange, but only one we've agreed to meeting a second time and committing to each other as exchange partners.

I'm really hoping that my speaking will improve. I can do a lot with textbooks, SMS, and Duolingo, but speaking isn't one of them. At work, I'm there to be an English teacher. At home, I want to be able to connect with other English speakers again.

However, a promised exchange is a bit of both worlds.

And so far...it's going great!

Let's just hope it stays that way...

#SaveOurToya

One Small Thing

If we've ever fallen into a discussion about bikes, you would know that I've always wanted to ride my bike into work.

And I've finally done it.

I don't care that it takes me 40 mins, one way.

Or that there's an incline the whole way in to work that you don't really notice except for in your legs.

I also don't care that it cuts into my lesson planning time I have in the morning because now I show up about 15 mins later than I do with the bus.

The time I have on my bike (a whole 40 minutes) before and after work are some of the quietest moments in my day. During that time, my mind only focuses on the road, my bike, and what nature has to offer during my rides.

I mean, look at the first two pictures! As the fog disappears and reveal the country-side! It's actually a really nice balance to my busy workload I have at work. It gets me to pause and just...relax.

It's the self-care I hadn't realized I needed.

Plus...while riding a bike, I get to work those legs muscles of mine. My bike has this goal, and I'm not mad with it.

Time to get these legs in shape!

At my current bike schedule, I do it three times a week. I didn't want to full on commit my whole week to my bike, as I feel that it may demotivated me. So, one of the two days is a rest day. The other one, also a rest day, but also...its the day I have to scoot my way to the big city for my Korean classes.

If I take in the time that I'm allowed to leave from work, can reach the bus terminal, lock my bike up, buy my ticket, early evening snack, and catch my bus...I'll be late for class.

And that's not gonna happen.

I am dedicated to learning Korean and I paid for these 12 classes. No way am I going to miss a single moment of it.

So, yeah. I enjoy riding my bike (when the weather permits) and it's helped in stabilizing my mood in unexpected ways.

#SaveOurToya

The Blue Screen

...of death.

Wasn't even the first thing I saw on my barely a year old laptop.

This is what I actually saw.

This traitor of a laptop decided to tell me, 'ooo gurl. We ain't got no hard disk.'

Now, as the smart and very capable person that I am, I answered, 'haha, you got jokes,'

My laptop did not have jokes. This was very real, and my hard drive was not working. I went to system diagnostics, I did the system test thing. Nada. Nothing.

We ain't got no hard disk.

Which meant a few things:

1) I'm about to spend money I had no plans on spending.
2) I needed to find a computer store (preferably one that spoke English)
3) I can't lesson plan.
4) I CAN'T LESSON PLAN. 

Some things needed to be repeated, and number three echoed in my head. At first, I thought it would be okay. I'm teaching at the same school for the second year. I'll be fine. Everything is mostly done anyways.

But then I got my final-final-final class schedule (it took a few tries to get it finalized for realsies) when my brain pointed out, 'ooo gurl. We got some new classes to prep for.'

It was not the same schedule as my first semester, unfortunately. I got 12 different classes. That's over half of my workload. And we ain't got no hard disk.

There was a small panic, not gonna lie. I flipped a bit.

Then Mom, awesome brilliant Mom reminded me I know people who could help me out. At least, on getting my laptop fixed. And while it was getting fixed, I realized, I could probably get my lesson planning done at work between my classes.

It's not the easiest. Lord have mercy on my exhausted brain, because it is a challenge to put lessons together in a busy office and dealing with potential racism. Trying to stay focused and work out what was happening around me and staying at 110% at all times was a juggling act I hadn't signed up for.

So, why not add Korean Language classes?

#SaveOurToya

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?!?!

See, there's an interesting answer to that.

And it's: nowhere...everywhere.

Wait, what?

Exactly. This last month has flown by (despite a few stagnant days) and during that time I have kept myself extremely busy, but I've also just been doing my thing in my little town.

I do have a few things I want to talk about, and I'll post those next; but to explain why I've been radio silent it all has to do with the fact that I've been surviving without a laptop for a whole month. 

That's right. 

No laptop.

I've also started up Korean classes again.

I have a language exchange partner, now.

I'm doing TikTok videos, or at least starting to...

Oh! And most recently...I've agreed to give a small talk at the next Fulbright Conference later this month.

It's been a hell of a month, and I expect nothing less during my birthday month. Between going to the Geochang Festival, riding my bike into work, typhoons, and potential racism at work, I've kept myself busy.

Keep an eye out as I update my blog on my latest truths!

#SaveOurToya

Ps. all the blue (or red!) words are links to other posts~!

A Fresh New Look

As promised to a friend, I have changed my background picture. It is no longer myself eating "bistopping" icecream, but a lovely summer picture of N Tower on Namsan in Seoul.

Yes, despite the leaves looking like it's Autumn, I took that picture in early August. The middle of summer.

Hope you enjoy the new look the Save Our Toya blog is experiencing~! 

#SaveOurToya

Wait...I'm 26?

In Korea, your age is a little different than what you're used to when you come from a Western country. To put it simply, when you are born, you don't start with 'so and so months old', you are officially 1-year-old. My understanding of that reasoning is that the months spent in your mother's belly....well, they count too.

Now, I'm not going on to the topic of 'pro-life vs pro-choice', I am simply stating a fact on how your age is determined in Korea.

Therefore, as a person born in the lovely year of 1993 as I am, I am 27 years old in Korea.

And as my birthday was today (Sept 4th), I am 26 years old in the States.

However, as I live in Korea I give out my Korean age.

Talk about a shock to my system when someone told me 'happy 26th birthday' this morning. Well, that was after I read about someone else telling me to wish my dad a happy birthday first.

Now, to put that into context, let me explain. My dad and I don't share a birthday. His is the day before mine. We've never had an issue in all the 27...26 years I'd been alive.

Until now.

I wasn't pissed off or told the person off. I simply took a screenshot and sent it in the family group chat. And then...maybe I was a little petty. I redacted the person's name and photo on the screen, added the something along the lines of 'nothing like getting told to wish someone else happy birthday on your own birthday' and posted it to my Facebook stories. I didn't even care if that person saw it or not.

"But what about the time zones, Toya?"

What about them?

Personally, I find it a slap in the face when a person doesn't take the time to look into such matters. It's really not that difficult, ESPECIALLY with technology. I'm not asking for you to find the position of the sun and calculate the wind speed to find out the time difference (note: I have no clue how to ACTUALLY find out the time difference).

A simple 'hey google? What's the time difference between here and South Korea?" would suffice.

Hell, you could even message me and simply ask first, then write your message appropriately.

"Oh, I didn't realize it was your birthday afterwards!"

I'm not asking you, too. Though it may seem like it, I'm not. However, if you know my dad's, you should know mine. But on the off-chance you don't know my birthday, then I guess you should have my dad's number. Seeing as you can remember his birthday. Then you can call and message him directly. Or hell, message my mother...you know...his wife. Who is actually with him. Not the daughter who lives in South Korea.

Oh...is my pettiness showing?

You know what, no. This isn't pettiness. This is my irritation being vented out.

Fear not! My birthday wasn't all bad~!

My students made it memorable with their wild antics that were calmed down by their more shy classmates. I got a few presents and many well-wishes. I felt their love.

Truly.

After school, I had a goal of going to buy a blueberry cake. The bakery didn't have it, so I settled for a few baked goods that I brought home and enjoyed while watching my new Drama.

Despite how my morning started, my birthday ended pretty well!

#SaveOurToya

Year 2

A beautiful summer view of a Namsan trail

Clearly, it's been over a year since this blog's conception. During that time, I've had some wild and...not so wild adventures; many unforgettable memories to say the least.

Now, as some of you know, I've been a bit unsure of the SaveOurToya blog. My original vision just didn't seem like it would be a good fit anymore for year 2.

However, fret not!

My hot ride around Geochang

(That's right. I said, 'fret'.)

Year 2 won't be any less boring! In fact, it's going to be active.

So...so...active.

If you follow me on instagram (@SaveOurToya), you're well aware that I've started up running again.

A new fondness for archery
>__<!!!

And not just any ol'running. I'm training to run a 5k again. It's been over a year since my last 5k in June 2018, which hadn't focused on beating my PR. The run in June wasn't for breaking my record. It had been for a more personal matter. My best time had been earlier that year, where I'd almost run a complete 5k.

I remember feeling so proud of myself. Sure, I played soccer for roughly 8 years, but...I don't know. Being able to consistently run for that long of a distance without dying of suffocation was pretty fucking awesome for me. I was a lazy sports person back in my day.

I'm not even kidding. I could play a 90mins soccer game straight through, but tell me to go run a mile in gym and I hated everything.

I also remembered that on that day of my almost 100%-5k-run, I felt almost unstoppable in my journey to get fit.

And I want that feeling back.

So, here's to my new health goals!

Otter pond at 5:30am with mountains slowly peaking out
from the fog. 

1) Run a 5k in Korea. (If I can buy the damn ticket: Seoul Marvel Run 2019 this October.)
2) Lose 27kg/60lbs. (Already lost about 3kg/6lbs, but the first few are always the easiest to lose!)
3) Get 8 to 9 consistent hours of sleep. (I've struggled with this since high school, but I will win!)
4) Become part of the Geochang early af community. (I'm already greeted by some ahjummas with '굿모닝' and its the cutest thing.)

And my last goal...

Geochang at dusk

5) Officially drop 10 pants sizes from my biggest size in October 2017 (I've already dropped 6 since then, soooooo 4 more to go~!)

Just thinking about the journey I've started sometimes leaves me overwhelmed. I can best sum it up as: Toya = GAH!

Wish me luck, yall.

I'll need it.

#SaveOurToya

Where did it Go?

Where has the time gone?

One minute I was enjoying my time in Busan with friends and the next, I've started my second year in Korea with changes everywhere I look.

And with my second year, I've contemplated what I wanted to do with my blog. My original intention was to highlight my time in Fulbright/Korea, but now...I'm not sure what I want to post anymore. It's become a bit of a challenge.

I've contemplated a few things, like switching to a podcast or video format.

I guess this post is just a warning. A warning that I might be switching things up in the next few months.

Keep an eye out~!

#SaveOurToya