Be Fearless

I've gone back and forth on how to announce this. Should I just tell people as it pops up in conversation? Should I make a post on Facebook and call it a day. Should I only tell..etc.

Silly me.

I forgot I had a blog.

How did I forget? Well...I've been really busy that it slipped my mind.

It happens, okay?

I'd like to see anyone turn their life on its head and try to remember to keep everything straight.

That being said...

I am officially announcing that I have accepted a position stateside and that my time in Korea will come to an end on Feb 15th, 2020.

Below are some Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ) that have been thrown my way recently:

What does this mean? You, leaving?
It means I have one week to finish out the school year (which ends Feb 14), inform my school, pack up my apartment into 2 checked bags (50lbs ea.), say goodbye to friends, find an apartment, go through reverse culture shock, make an extra effort in my Korean studies, and who knows what else.

Through this process, as I have 5 days left until I leave, I've begun to see the realness in some people. For some it's not pretty, and for others, it's a warm feeling. Either way, it's a bitter-sweetness.

Why are you accepting the position?
Because the position I was offered is my dream position.

Where are you moving to? Back to Florida?
Haha, no. Florida and I have decided to see other people, but it was a mutual break up. I am moving to Iowa. I hear they have snow there these days?

What will you be doing?
Stuff.

What does your family think of you doing this?
They're happy for me. As in, very happy.

How does your school feel?
As in all of them? I don't know. I informed my VP this past Friday and she was very happy for me. My coteacher found out later that same day. (For anyone who is thinking of breaking contract, unless the relationship you established between your VP and coteacher is a dynamic where you go to the VP first, please don't do this. You will undermine your coteacher and it may cause you more stress as you prepare to go home.)

My coteacher is happy for me as well, but she has also told me that my departure saddens her. Besides my VP, she and her husband were the first people I met from my school/town. And it is sad to think that I won't see them anymore.

As for my students and the rest of the school staff. I'm not sure when they'll find out...but this last week promises to be an emotional one either way.

Did the racism at your school drive you to leave?
No, but it did help in saying 'yes' to the offer.

When did you start job searching?
In an effort to get started in finding a job for my return in July, I had started job searching at the end of November/beginning of December. The position I wanted is limited and doesn't stay posted for long. I wanted to have my best shot at hopefully obtaining at least a couple of interviews during my second semester.

Surprise of all surprises, I was called for an interview in late December. I was doubtful that I would get the position. After all...It's been a while since I did the whole interview song and dance. Plus, it was a phone interview from Korea. I was 3 hours passed my bed time before I was done. Sleepy interviews and out of practice aside, I must've done something right to look favorable to this office.

Are you excited?
Very much so! But I'm still in a bit of shock that it's happening.

What are you going to do in Iowa?
Figure that out in Iowa, BUT my parents, brother, and some friends have already informed me of what I can do.

I'm pretty sure they're all more excited than I am....

What about Korea?
When I said it was a hard decision to make the other day, I wasn't kidding. Korea was another dream of mine. But in the limited time that I had in making my decision, I realized my time in Korea has more or less come to an end. I was falling back into a pattern of suffering in certain areas of my time here. I was hiding my hurts behind the good and enough was enough.

It would be better if I left Korea with a fond memory and not a struggling one. Which was a fear I had.

Did you tell your school you were facing racism?
I did not.

And here's why. It was easier to go through the day without acknowledging it, then to bring it up. There's a delicate balance here that one constantly fights to keep. When it comes to English, I am considered an expert. But when it comes to social aspects, I'm simply the foreigner and just don't understand how Korean culture works.

I'll tell you this. If it's one thing a Korean national who LOOKS Korean will never understand it's what it is like as a foreigner within their own culture. Like I said...it's a delicate balance and this one person isn't worth the trouble.

Will you miss it?
Of course.

Will you go back?
Yes. I hope to come back in 2025 for vacation. 😎😆

What will happen to your blog?
Nothing??? Just because I leave Korea, doesn't mean my story ends. Sure...this blog was started in the spirit of recording my time here, but it's become much more since then. It's become a place where I am honest with myself and my experiences. My e-diary that I don't mind sharing.

How's your packing?

#SaveOurToya

My Mini Vacation

It's the end of January 2020, and let's all be honest with ourselves...this first month had a lot of surprises.

Probably the most constant on people's minds right now: the Coronavirus

Affectionately called, the beer virus.

Okay, fine!

No one calls it that except for me. (Maybe...?)

I can't be the only one who thought "...like the beer?" when they first heard of it.

As a reminder, there's a lot of misinformation floating around between Karen on Facebook, clickbait headlines, and word of mouth. Your best sources during this 'international public health emergency' is the World Health Organization (WHO) and the Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). I've also included a video below from Dr. Mike where he talks about the truth of Coronavirus as of January 28th, 2020. He cites his sources and he's a qualified, practicing doctor in New York, USA.

It's been a few days since this video was released and more information about the virus is being learned. Like Dr. Mike said, 'be alert, not anxious'.

This virus was a bit of a concern for me as I was actually traveling as the news was breaking. On Jan 18th, 2020, I was boarding my flight to Florida to visit my parents. I hardly told anyone of my trip as it was originally supposed to be a surprise for my parents.

And while I did tell them on Christmas, I still kept it to a small group of people. While I owe no one an explanation as to why I kept it secret, I still felt I needed to explain myself.

So listen up.

My trip home was not to meet and greet. It was to see my parents. Period.

That's it.

If I ran into people I knew, that's great. If not, well...that's fine. I shouldn't have been stateside to begin with.

I spent 10 days stateside where I learnt something about myself that I hadn't expected.

Florida...I think we should see other people.

That's right! I am breaking up with Florida. During those 10 days, I remembered what it was like living there and while good memories were there, so were the bad.

This last year and a half has changed me for the better and Florida...Florida hasn't changed at all. The me now, can't live where the me of the past was.

While some may be sadden to hear this, it is simply my truth. I will not ignore my truth and will take steps to ensure my continued happiness is number one as I make preparations for my return to America.

Wild...isn't it?

I'm on my last 6 months in Korea...before my trip home...it didn't feel real. The fact that I am leaving in a few months. Since I landed, I now hear the clock ticking down.

It was time I started getting everything ready for my return home, while enjoying everything that is Korea.

As always,
#SaveOurToya

아시다시피...

"For five minutes, five, there is no Korean. Only English. If I hear Korean, we restart."

These were the words my 5th grade class got to hear. And I don't know if it's because I've been teaching for almost 1.5 years, the silence/paying attention for once, or all the TEDx talks I've been listening to, but today's lesson went almost perfectly.

The only thing that didn't go well...I didn't get to finish some of the slides. But that's okay. I'll just put them to Friday's lesson as a review for today's lesson.

No sweat.

Yet, despite having a great teaching day so far (I've taught 2 classes, and that 1st class could've gone better, I also know it could've gone A LOT worse, which is why I'm taking my win, thank you very much), I cannot get away from the explosive anger I still feel from last Friday.

Now, before I tell you what happened, let me try to put this anger to words.

I'm not a person who gets angry often. I can be, and I have been, but generally you can see happiness when you see me. Of course, under all that happiness is my social anxiety, depression, and a lack of self-worth, but the point is, no anger.

I like to get along with everyone I meet, but that can be hard. Some people don't vibe well, or they have no interest in being on good terms.

And fair. I respect that.

Boundaries are important.

What I can't respect is blatant disrespect. I don't just get angry. I get pissed.

You may not see smoke coming out of my ears, my face glowing as a visually red thermometer effect is happening, or growls coming from the back of my throat, but I won't be silent.

Unlike some people. (Is this a dig a certain group of people? Oh yes. It is. Keep reading until the end to see who.)

Not sure if I successfully penned out my words, but I did say I would try.

Let's get into what happened.

On Friday, it was lunch time. And lunch time meant soccer. Of course, waiting to let your stomach settle...not exactly on anyone's mind. We were about to have fun.

I promised a student I would be on the pitch, finished up my lunch, and felt pretty relaxed as I hustled to my spot in the goal.

At first, things started off well. I mean, for elementary schoolers playing soccer, there's passing and not bad passes. I see a lot of potential on the field, but all that potential goes out of the window the second these kids started to feel inadequate, ignored, or some other word that starts with 'i' that has a negative connotation.

I may not be a soccer expert, but as someone who played the sport for 9-ish years, playing almost every position (but goalie, ironically), with soccer camps, tournaments, and various teams, I'm definitely proficient enough to understand how the sport goes.

And with soccer, what doesn't fly, is narcissistic bullshit.

Guess who brings their narcissistic bullshit on the pitch?

The school's "best player".

Now, guess who gets hurt by it?

Everybody. The other team, teammates, the "best player".

I don't know what's going on in this kid's life or what may have truly sparked the narcissism (I can guess all I want), but you bring this bullshit on the pitch, people are going to get hurt.

Emotionally.

Physically.

Which is what happened on Friday.

The "best player", in his effort to be first to the ball as this whole game wasn't going his way, was tripped by another child who is 4-5 years younger than him on accident. We all understand how young children are here to play and have fun and what do you mean my limbs don't function the way I want them too?

But our "best player", as he fell and cried on the ground like the best Italian player, he was also up off the ground in the blink of an eye and shoving his "attacker" to the ground and saying spiteful words.

I think I teleported to these kids' sides so fast I broke the sound barrier. And, as a bonus feature, my students got to see what happens when you push me too far. As a daughter of a retired veteran, I've experienced a few...let's call them "army tactics"...when it comes to showing your displeasure with someone without putting your hands on a person.

1) My voice dropped several octaves.
2) I got close.
3) I kept it curt.
4) I didn't blink.

Now...this also comes with an intimidation factor that one should use responsibly. Personally, I don't like using it on children. There are other ways to get correct behavior.

And yet...

*sigh*

In my guilt, I let the game finish. It was much more toned down, except now the "best player" was releasing their anger on me. (Rather me than someone 4-5 years younger than them.)

Five minutes later, I was messaging a friend if they could translate something for me. Between leaving the pitch and sitting at my desk, I realized that what had happened could've been avoided. Sure, I had spoken up in the past when I saw unfair play, but unfortunately, it sometimes happens.

I realized, I should've been more strict about it.

I realized, I couldn't play with people who couldn't respect the game, let alone each other.

Toya teacher...she was done playing soccer.

Until my students learn to respect each other and the game, they can bet I won't be on that pitch for a single second.

And you know what else?

I wasn't the only teacher playing soccer. There were three other adults, one actively playing with us, who didn't do a damn thing.

Not a single consequence, scolding (outside of mine), nothing.

Where is the accountability?

A lot of people already drop the ball where I am concerned, but the students? Don't drop their ball. Unlike our students, I don't need someone to teach me how to act. I've had my lessons. But these kids....they're still learning. Give them their boundaries. Give them their realities. Give them their responsibilities.

As you know,

#SaveOurToya

Year 2

A beautiful summer view of a Namsan trail

Clearly, it's been over a year since this blog's conception. During that time, I've had some wild and...not so wild adventures; many unforgettable memories to say the least.

Now, as some of you know, I've been a bit unsure of the SaveOurToya blog. My original vision just didn't seem like it would be a good fit anymore for year 2.

However, fret not!

My hot ride around Geochang

(That's right. I said, 'fret'.)

Year 2 won't be any less boring! In fact, it's going to be active.

So...so...active.

If you follow me on instagram (@SaveOurToya), you're well aware that I've started up running again.

A new fondness for archery
>__<!!!

And not just any ol'running. I'm training to run a 5k again. It's been over a year since my last 5k in June 2018, which hadn't focused on beating my PR. The run in June wasn't for breaking my record. It had been for a more personal matter. My best time had been earlier that year, where I'd almost run a complete 5k.

I remember feeling so proud of myself. Sure, I played soccer for roughly 8 years, but...I don't know. Being able to consistently run for that long of a distance without dying of suffocation was pretty fucking awesome for me. I was a lazy sports person back in my day.

I'm not even kidding. I could play a 90mins soccer game straight through, but tell me to go run a mile in gym and I hated everything.

I also remembered that on that day of my almost 100%-5k-run, I felt almost unstoppable in my journey to get fit.

And I want that feeling back.

So, here's to my new health goals!

Otter pond at 5:30am with mountains slowly peaking out
from the fog. 

1) Run a 5k in Korea. (If I can buy the damn ticket: Seoul Marvel Run 2019 this October.)
2) Lose 27kg/60lbs. (Already lost about 3kg/6lbs, but the first few are always the easiest to lose!)
3) Get 8 to 9 consistent hours of sleep. (I've struggled with this since high school, but I will win!)
4) Become part of the Geochang early af community. (I'm already greeted by some ahjummas with '굿모닝' and its the cutest thing.)

And my last goal...

Geochang at dusk

5) Officially drop 10 pants sizes from my biggest size in October 2017 (I've already dropped 6 since then, soooooo 4 more to go~!)

Just thinking about the journey I've started sometimes leaves me overwhelmed. I can best sum it up as: Toya = GAH!

Wish me luck, yall.

I'll need it.

#SaveOurToya

GoodBye

Isn't saying goodbye one of the hardest things to get through?

All these feelings and memories popping up as you say goodbye not giving you a moments' peace.

Ugh.

It's getting harder and harder to write this post.

Apparently, I still haven't found my voice.

Now, this post isn't even a 'see you later' goodbye, but a 'I don't know when I'll ever see you again' goodbye. And I am literally the WORST at those kinds of goodbyes.

I never know what I'm supposed to say or do. I'm like that person who will go for the high five when you go for the fist-bump.

Oh dear god.

I'm that awkward parent trope that's trying to stay woke.

I know I act like a retired grandma who is 100% done with people's shit and wondering when I get my next nap, but really? Have I truly made it to the point that I can't do social interactions anymore?

**DEEP BREATH**

Okay. I can do this.

This post is about goodbyes.

This week, a majority of the Fulbright 2018-19 cohort are going home, saying goodbye to their time in Korea and hello to their next part in life. It's a kind of...bittersweet change. Though I wasn't very travel or social heavy like the rest of my cohort (retired grumpy grandma, remember?), it's still odd to think that after this week, they won't be in the country to reach out to. Those 79 people that survived an 8-week Orientation with, not crossing a river boundary, reluctantly obeying FEP dress regulation DESPITE the heat, battling for the washer and dryers, and enjoying soju outside the nearby 7/11s.

Mentioned in an earlier post, I described how I was at a loss of words during this transitioning time.

I'm still clearly affected, but...I can feel that I'm also just so much closer to my voice for the coming year.

On August 19th, 2018, I wrote about 79 goodbyes and 80 hellos. I wished my cohort all the best during their time in Korea. Now, as it closes out for most of them, I wish to extend similar well -wishes to them as they move to their next journey.

To those who are renewing a second year like I am, may this second year be just as fantastic (if not more) than our first year!

And to the new first years...may you forge new memories that you may never forget!

#SaveOurToya

Never Ending Semester

You ever get to the point where you would stare into a coat closet for a good long moment, wondering why you couldn't find your mug?

No?

Well dang.

Guess it's just me.

Now, I suppose saying I'm tired is a bit of an understatement, no?

And look, I've checked my sleeping patterns (technology is cool like that) and it's not that I'm tired.

So, what is it?

Well...can someone explain to me how it is almost July and I'm still teaching? How am I not on summer break? How did I fall into this situation where I will still be teaching all the way up to August?

Y'all. I'm not tired. I'm exhausted, in that way that I need a vacation to recharge and not a good night's rest.

Not too sure how I'm still functioning right now.

No, wait....

Am I even "functioning"?

Coat closets don't hold mugs.

Working through this exhaustion has been a noticeable challenge. I'm putting it up there with the senioritis I was internally crying through during Grad School. But like the last two years, I wouldn't give it up. There's been some good moments this last month that I wouldn't give up either.

Fresh veggies from the school farm.

Homemade yogurt.

Laughing like no ones watching.

New friends.

Makes me wonder where I'll be this time next year. Will I be looking in the copier for my mug or will I grab it from its actual location that its always in?

This semester may be never ending in an almost painful way, but its also been a time for me to enjoy the small moments that I used to let pass me by. In 3 days, June will be over and it will officially be July. My second year in Korea will officially start as the clock starts ticking down to the finish line.

As I said in a Facebook post, I hope to keep this blog going and talk more about my adventures and the awesome people that I have met and will meet.

Just gotta get through another month of teaching before I can be on vacation!

Oh, and before I forget.

My mug was on my desk...

#SaveOurToya

Changes Are Coming

It's been about two months since my anxiety attack over trash. Lots of things have happened since then.

I've been to Jeju for the Fulbright Spring Conference, Sports Day at my school, various Korean holidays, and even, my parents came to visit me.

Each moment has something that I could talk about, but for some reason, I found myself struggling to talk about it. At first, I wasn't sure what's been going on, but my words were lacking.

Which is odd.

In Jeju, I was able to hear the ocean every night as I fell asleep.

At Sports Day, I got many awesome pictures of my students being...well, awesome.

During the Korean holidays, I was able to recharge a bit and hang with friends.

With my parents, I've noticed how much I've changed since I left Florida.

These are all good things with stories tied to them!

And yet...I'm left speechless in the worst of ways.

In roughly one month, my first year in Korea will be finished and I think...that's what's stopping me.

In one month, despite the fact that I'm not leaving, I am still saying goodbye to those who are. With each of them goes a part of Korea that has made my time here so memorable. I've already begun to notice it with others who've left that aren't Fulbrighters.

Things are shifting and changing as the circumstances are.

It makes sense, though.

It does.

And I supposed I could say I'm making peace with it.

Now that I'm being honest with myself, I can see the sadness that's holding my voice back.

Changes are coming and I need to find my new voice for the year.

#SaveOurToya

It's Funny

Funny, but in that ironic sense of way. A few days ago, I was wondering if I should post something before the end of the month, to give March one more post, but thought against it. I don't like posting to just post.

I prefer to have something of sustenance go up. Something that will give me a good insight to what I was thinking about, without having to flex my brain very hard later down the road, wondering what was going through my mind.

Ah, what can I say, I'm lazy and I embrace it. 

Now, back to the irony of it all. 

Yesterday, someone mentioned that they've been meaning to write again, and really wanted to, but just...[insert half arm flail here...you know the one]. 

My response had been not to stress it. A writing piece will come when it comes. 

Not even 24 hours later, and here I am.

Last night, I was faced with a small anxiety attack that made me question why I wanted to stay in Korea for a second year. Holy hell that had been uncomfortable. I felt clamy and discomfort in my own skin. In my own bed. The moment you're uncomfortable in your own bed, is the moment you know you're not doing well.

It was my bed.

The one place I don't have to be anyone. I can just be a blob of exhaustion and still sass people from the tips of my fingers. The bed is a sacred place. 

And yet because of one 아저시, I was in an unsettled place, because of him and my trash. 

It sounds silly, doesn't it?

An anxiety attack because of the fucking trash.

*sigh*

I don't want to invalidate my experience, by saying it shouldn't have happened. That I am embarrassed by such a tumble of emotions to the point that I will discredit my experience. 

It's so hard though!

I'm internally struggling to find a balance between acknowledging what happened and avoiding it. 

Which is probably why I am writing this post now. 

I am acknowledging that my thoughts spiraled downward so fast any Korean would be proud at the speed. I went from, 'taking my trash out!' to 'did that man just grunt at me?' to 'wait, my trash DOESN'T go here? Well, where the hell does it go?' to 'there's no place for my trash, my life is going to turn into a trash dump...literally' to 'fuck, why is this guy such a dick?'. 

And as I was climbing into bed, to fall asleep for the night, bam! 

Anxiety showed it's ugly head.

The only way, I was able to settle down enough to fall into a restless sleep was by giving myself a game plan for the next day. I would go into work, speak to my co-teacher about the trash, and have her call the building owner. I was going to get my confirmation of where to put the stupid trash, so my life won't physically reflect what it sometimes feels like. 

And guess what I found this morning on my way into work.

Exactly.

I went through all of that last night, for basically nothing. 

Oh wait. I think I'm getting ahead of myself a little. 

Remember the 아저시? For those who don't speak Korean, it translates to a man who is between the age of 40 to 60. He was out smoking his cigarette and saw me drop off the trash at the 'not your spot'. I barely looked at him, mostly focused on my audio-book, when I heard random grunting noises over the narrator. I turned around and he starts talking. 

"Do you live in that building? Yes? Then, you can't put your trash here. Your trash site doesn't exist? It's there. Just look around for it. This place is for this building. Not yours. You understand? Good. This is not for your building."

That's pretty much the gist of what he said, as he points around with his cigarette. It was a surreal experience, that I was able to understand as much as I did, not freak out, and was even able to negotiate that I could leave my trash there for the evening.

I, personally, did not understand why it really mattered, it's all going to the same place on the same garbage truck...but anyways, yeah. Negotiating trash location without freaking out, I counted it as a win.

The freaking out was saved for later.

Now, here I am, sitting at work, well aware of where my trash goes, wondering why I wasn't told about the trash spot to begin with? 

Oh wait. I'm a foreigner. 

#SaveOurToya

Spring - 봄

Small confession time.

I submitted a small piece to Infusion, Fulbright Korea's magazine. Per it's about section, "[t]he magazine aims to capture the diversity of the Fulbright Korea experience by publishing work from Fulbright Korea senior scholars, junior researchers, English teaching assistants, and program alumni".

Though I aimed to see my name in print, I'd been offered the opportunity for a web publication. Which is still a fantastic opportunity!

My editor and I worked on my piece I titled "Spring - 봄" for a little over a week. Between our teaching schedules, life schedules, and sleep schedules, we were able to create the piece below. I want to give a special thanks to Kyle, for seeing my piece's potential and helping it bloom.

Unfortunately, it wasn't published online. But that's okay. You win some, you lose some.

However, fortunately for me, I have an online platform that allows me to publish whatever I want.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Springtime is for new beginnings and cleaning up the hot messes you’ve carried through your life the previous year.

As 2019 began to trickle in, I noticed bits of 2018 overflowing into the new year.

And the thing is?

I felt every moment of it.

I'm pretty sure most, if not all of us can summarize 2018 exhaustively as, 'What the what?'

Not to worry, I'm not about to relive 2018. I'm talking about new beginnings, remember? While others are busy spring cleaning and getting ready for the next year, Fulbrighters in Korea are focused on whether they choose to renew or not.

For some of us, the decision is easy, while others struggle. Like the onslaught of pollen, so many thoughts fly around clogging up the path towards decisions we wish to make, and really...we just want to breath again. At the beginning of our grant years, we all came with goals in mind.

As each day gets carried off by the falling leaves, frozen fingers are challenged to keep up with the changing seasons and its new demands. Through our grant year we are tested and we change our minds about our goals, possibly multiple times.

I've spoken with various Fulbrighters in Korea. Some of them have similar stories, whereas others are definitely having a much different experience during this 'should I stay or should I go' period. Just like the beginnings of spring, it's a hot/cold situation. Winter still clinging despite everyone hoping to see flowers bloom and not wear long padding anymore.

A Fulbrighter explained it as a game of Uno when someone plays the Reverse Uno card. In one breath, the decision is going down a steady path, and the next...it's going the complete opposite. It's these moments that we weather out. We talk to our fellow Fulbrighters, we continue having our experiences in Korea without pause. A few of us are at ease during this time, and they are the lucky ones. They get to play an Uno game without many plot twists. The other game that is being played has a multitude of unexpected twists and turns, and there isn't an end in sight until all the cards have been played.

And a decision has been made.

If a Fulbrighter isn't jumping between hot/cold and Reverse cards, then did they really move abroad? Did they truly challenge themselves and commit to being cultural ambassadors?

A Fulbrighter's first year is a year of realizations and new experiences. From humid summer days at Orientation to cool evenings during our first months of teaching to the freezing winds bringing snow, we start to learn more about a country so different from our own.

A country that thrives despite the weather or hardships around them. Just like a Fulbrighter.

As snow melts and the cherry blossoms touch the sky, we begin to make our final decisions. The decision that will outline the next three hundred and sixty-five days of our revolving lives.

Do we stay for a second year, and deepen our bond with Korea?

Do we stay for a third?

Do we switch programs, because we just completed our third year and aren't ready to leave yet?

Do we stay calm, because the decision was never really a problem to begin with?

Or do we go home, and see what happens next?

So, perhaps Spring time isn't just about new beginnings, but for the hope of something more.

And maybe that’s something worth carrying into the Summer.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

There you have it. My first adventure into being published (not on my blog). Tell me your thoughts. What did you think about Spring? Could you move across the world for a year? What would you do in Korea if you could visit? Would you stay for a second or third year? Don't be shy!

And as always,

#SaveOurToya

Fourth Point

At some point during our Orientation period, we were told to find our 'fourth point'. Something that had nothing to do with teaching and more along the lines of doing something that interests you. A version of 'self-care' without out-right saying 'self-care'. It's a good concept, but it takes forever to find something to be your 'fourth point'.

At least to me, it did.

And the reason why I don't call it Self-Care (without the quotations marks), is the simple fact that you don't HAVE to have a fourth point during your grant year. But I am of the strong opinion, highly recommended, 10 out of 10 on Yelp, that Self-care is a must.

You need to take care of you, live for you, be for you. Taking a step away from Adulting and the pressures that you find yourself stuck under is a breath of fresh air that actually helps you more than sticking it out.

My Fourth Point never turned into learning a traditional Korean instrument or practicing my Korean. Or going swing dancing. (And yes, these are all versions of Fourth Points currently happening.)

My Fourth Point can be boiled down to three brilliant women who have made my grant year something one of a kind. Somehow, in all the confusion, joy, depression, amusement, anxiety, [insert adjectives here], I've been able to find a quiet joy.

Does that sound underwhelming to you?

Maybe.

But to me, it means more than I can ever put a price to. By the end of our grant year, I'm not sure what I'll do as my new Fourth Point as we all start the next part of our lives. While I am sad that two of three will be returning home, I am so proud of all of them and their continued journeys.

From Grad School to traveling to LSATs to a 2nd Fulbright Grant year.

There's so much I want to say to the three of you and I don't even know where to start.

To Tae: I know that you'll be staying a second year, which is why you're getting the first shout-out. To be honest, I don't even remember what connected us at Orientation, but I don't really care anymore. Whatever it may have been, I'm so thankful for it. You leave me in awe, Tae. The decision for law school and the LSATs...just, wow! I know it wasn't easy picking what you were you doing next, but you finally did it. You have such a caring heart and wonderful outlook on the world. I know that where ever you end up within the Justice System, they'll be lucky to have you.

To Julia: Mokpo was hella cold and you were hella sick, but still took the time to have lunch with us and hosted us for dinner. If that doesn't describe how fantastic you are, I'm at a loss. The bond we share is one-of-a-kind, if I were to be Frank. With you, I feel that I can just...be me. It leaves me in a delicate balance of vulnerability, but also safety. I'm thankful to you for letting me see this side of myself. Travel well, I cannot wait to see your pictures!

To Anni: I don't know how you do it, Anni. I really don't. It may be your dimples that get compliments, but it's really your soul that should receive praise. The amount of care I have seen you put to situations that I would disregard has left me in various states of confusion, amusement, exasperation, and fondness. Despite how your care for others may hinder you, you still don't change your ways. Some may call it stubbornness or self-destructive, but the way I see it, it's pure. Pure in that I knew I could rely on you when I needed someone during a very shaky time. It's a characteristic that will make you an amazing teacher. Have a great time in grad school!

There's so much more I can say to the three of you, but I'm going to leave it here.

No wait. That's a lie. One last thing.

Thank you for inviting me to your homestays and getting me out of Geochang. Yes, I'm "small town living", especially compared to the three of you, but it suits me. I'm a creature of habit, after all. I would not have settled in as well to Korea, if it weren't for you three forcing my hand and getting out of Geochang.

My Fourth Point = priceless.

#SaveOurToya

Undermining

In Korea, it's important in saving face. It shows respect to those around you that you keep potentially embarrassing conversations out of the ears of others.

I have mixed feelings about it, as I tend to confront situations head on, but I do my best to respect Korean culture. I am a guest of the culture. Not my place to say anything. Sometimes, people wait to tell me something, or they'll say it right then. I'm fine with either way.

Except when it undermines my authority as a teacher.

Then I just get pissed off.

I have established an "English Hour" in one of the many classes my fifth and sixth graders get to see me. It isn't even a full hour. Classes run for 40 mins, and I usually wait five minutes into class before establishing the English Hour rules. So really, these kids have 35 minutes where they have to only speak English. I didn't think I was asking for much.

I've had many language teachers pull that out on me at all levels of language acquisition. And my 5th and 6th graders have had 2 to 3 years of English education by now.

And yet...when another teacher subbed in for their usual homeroom teacher, she not only spoke Korean to them during that time (despite usually speaking more English...?), she confronted me in front of the class that and "English Hour" is too challenging for them.

What? Does she think moving to a whole new country where you don't speak the language and then have to teach a subject that is not in your area of expertise is easy? Do my students think it's easy for me to have a language barrier in all aspects of my life while in Korea?

Spoilers, it's not. I've had to adapt and adjust as needed. I've learned key Korean phrases. I've had improve my non-verbal speaking skills. I've had to stay respectful to those I would've snapped at months ago. I've had to find a new balance for the sake of my sanity. I've faced more fears living in Korea these last 9 months than I've had in the states.

English Hour is not only a place to indirectly test the students in their knowledge, but also to help them develop other acquisition skills when words FAIL them. Have them draw what they're trying to say. Have them use their body as an instrument of language. Use other words to say the word you don't know. Hell, ask to use my phone for google translate.

Anything, as long as it's not in Korean.

And yet...

...my students still speak Korean. The teachers don't respect my request for English only.

It's frustrating, but it's a fact. One that I'll have to work with throughout the year. I am hopeful that I can get some if not more than half of my students respecting my English Hour request. It'll just take time.

#SaveOurToya

The Gendering

(Warning: foul language thanks to the patriarchy, and an abundance of Captain Holt gifs from Brooklyn Nine-Nine)

Amidst the recent news of male K-Pop celebrities and their criminalizing actions, I feel an overwhelming amount of rage, frustration, and irritation. Which sucks! I'd much rather be writing my blog about my conference in Taipei, Taiwan, but instead here I am telling you that I feel as if everything is garbage. 

I'm not going to go into the details about the current K-Pop trash that's happening as the full story has yet to be released; however, knowing that one of the idols that brought me into the realm of K-Pop did such disgusting actions has left me betrayed.

And perhaps that's why I had to hold myself from snapping at my coteacher today. I was so raw from the news last night that I couldn't handle hearing, "it's too hard for girl students to play [soccer] with boy students".

I'm sorry, Fuck that noise. 

I will not be apologetic for believing that my girl students are just as capable as my boy students. All of my students have the potential to play soccer with anyone in this school. 

Don't get me wrong, I did want to rearrange my students within my English Soccer class, but not for that shit reason. Last week, I noticed a distinct lack of interest in my girl students. They didn't really want to play soccer, and I understand that. Sometimes, you don't want to play a sport. I remember more than enough times back in P.E. when I hated the gym activity and just made the motions. 

I can't say what drove their lack of interest in soccer, and maybe it's because the class is boy-dominated and some (one - and you know the one) of the students play dirty. Maybe they hate soccer or doing sports. 

Either way, what I saw was a lack of skill in the sport. Therefore, I would rather have placed my fifth grade girls with the 3rd and 4th graders, simply so the skill set was matched. And my 5th grade boys would go with my 6th grade boys (its this group that's usually playing soccer after lunch anyways). 

Now that I have my class divided on the premise that "it's too hard for girl students to play [soccer] with boy students", I feel irritated at my school. 

At my teachers. 

At my students. 

I know! I know its not their fault.

It's the fault of their socialization within a society that reinforces girls being soft, delicate, and precious as children and as adults, they're seen for their usefulness to their male-counterparts. I weep at the thought of not being able to express my frustrations to my school. 

Am I giving up before I even started?

No. 

What I recognize is that talking to my coteacher or even the administration won't get the point across. Unfortunately. Instead, I'm going to work with my students directly and empower them. Language barrier there may be, but a good cheerleader I am. (3-ish years as a cheerleader before I switched to 9-ish years of playing soccer.) 

Sure, the point is about teaching English through the use of soccer, but I can also show them they have it all within them. I may doubt my teaching ability from time to time, but rarely do I doubt my ability to stand with someone. 

Today, I stand with my students. Not to say "you're wrong!", but to say "you can do it!"

#SaveOurToya

It Goes With Saying

During a discussion about what to get for my school while on a business trip to Taiwan, I accidentally read my friend's message wrong.

What the message said: Yeah, that should be enough.

What I read: You should be enough.

For a hot minute I felt a profound sense of happiness overcome me to the point I almost started blushing in happiness. However, my brain quickly corrected that interpretation.

Silly me, for reading that wrong.

When I told my friend what happened, they told me 'that goes without saying'.

Between calculating how much money I would need to exchange and whether I was an idiot for leaving my American credit card at home, I began to think if phrases like 'you should be enough' truly do go without saying? Could it be that this unspoken norm has damaged society over the years?

Has it damaged me?

I mean, let's think about it.

In its most simplest form, hearing good things about you isn't a bad thing. I would say it's a good thing. For a few seconds there, I felt good about myself. But then, that part of me that doesn't believe in myself, automatically reread my friend's statement and I realized I read wrong. I wasn't being complimented. The amount of money I wanted to exchange was being complimented.

-sigh-

I don't want to weigh my self-worth on the amount of compliments I've received, because it isn't about what other's see in me. It's about what I see in me, but when I'm not sure what it is I should be seeing, a second opinion never hurts.

Until it does.

Being in Korea, I've had my weight made fun of. My skin color has been labelled as dirty. My hair characterized as wild.

The only compliments I've received were in the area of my acne clearing up and my voice sounding like a movie star.

Whereas in the states, I was praised on my work ethic and ability to be empathetic. It's no surprise that I consider these two qualities as my strongest? In fact, I went and got a Master's Degree where I could combine them as a career option for myself.

My quick thinking and adaptability made me competent on the soccer field. My coach and other teammates told me that they liked how I played. After nine years, I'm not the last pick when I play a soccer pick-up game. In fact, my mother told me that had I had the heart in the sport, I probably would be on a professional team. And if I was on a professional team, you know damn well that I would go for a national team.

Just saying.

Would I have gone down a different path had I been complimented in other areas? If my passion would've been stoked more toward soccer or if I had been told my math skills were fantastic as well, instead of teaching English, I could be a professional soccer player who does research within the areas of sociological diligence.

Unfortunately, the past cannot be changed.

What I do have control over is my present and my future.

I have begun complimenting myself when I come across situations that make me uneasy or my anxiety holds me hostage. And good lord are those compliments hard to say, but that's when I need to hear them the most.

I can't rely on someone else to praise me. I need to believe more in myself anyway.

Remember when I mentioned I was going to Taiwan for a workshop? Here are some truths that I've been trying to overcome these last two months in preparation for Taiwan.

1. Many times I wanted to decline going. I do not think I will make a good impression due to all my nerves. I'm making things burdensome for my school.

2. Many times I felt financially unbalanced. In my goal to save money this year, I've been hit with a few purchases in the last month that has left me not meeting my target goals. And while I'm not paying for a majority of this trip, I still worry that I'll spend more money than I need too.

3. Many times I had to remind myself to be social while in Taiwan. I wouldn't say that I am at hermit levels of being social, I still tend to shy away from large crowds or being social at a normal level. I've been working hard on this, but I still have my backslides. I didn't want one to happen while in Taiwan.

4. Many times I needed to tell myself that I earned this opportunity. And while I'm not sure what part of my Fulbright profile made me qualify for this opportunity, something stood out to the Commission. I just only wish I knew what it was.

It was during these many times that I would tell myself a compliment.

1. I am smart.

2. I am strong.

3. I am amazing.

4. I am worthy.

Each time, it got easier to get through the negative. My voice got firmer.

It goes without saying?

No. It goes with saying.

#SaveOurToya

영어선생님이에요

Today my Vice Principal told me my teaching style has greatly improved. In fact, she said I deserve a certificate for being a real teacher.

And yet...I have mixed feelings about this statement...

One is joyful and the other one is resentful.

I'm well aware that I wasn't exactly a teacher when I first started out back in September. Before then, I'd taught only two classes with another English teacher. Outside of that, I've only given presentations to my peers (woo, class presentations~!). So, to hear that I've improved is fantastic!

But...why didn't she give me any tips or suggestions on how to get better?

Yes, I have a TEFL and TESOL certificate that say I am qualified to teach English to non-English speakers, but let's be honest...attending classes, drafting lesson plans, reading methodologies...theory is one thing, and the practical is a whole other beast.

Some days I struggled, other days I was able to keep my head over the water. There were even some days that I could stand in the water with confidence. Those first six months were rough, but they were doable. I'm proud that I was able to achieve what I have.

But...a little help would've been great. Not going to lie. Especially since I never really knew what I needed to ask to improve. Knowing what I do now, it was getting to know the students and having them know me. It was through this process that I was able to figure out what kind of teacher I was.

I connect with my students by being silly with them. I get my students improving by sticking to a routine. Heck, even the usage of my minimal Korean has shown my students that as they try to learn my language, I'm also learning their's. I kid you not, the second I told them to get out their 공책, they not only flipped out, they got more attentive.

Did I have to learn Korean to be a better teacher? Maybe. For the position that I am in, at the school that I am in, it did make me a better teacher. Had my circumstances been different, it may not have been what made me "better".

What did make me a better teacher was the amount of time I've put in for my students and for myself. I feel that at the beginning, I'd only been doing half of that. I was putting in too much effort for one of those, and it was hurting me. Until I figured out my balance, I wasn't doing anyone any good. Not my students, and definitely not me.

Six months to get comfortable in a new land.

Six months of teaching young children to first get comfortable with English.

Six months from when I left everything that I knew.

I can now say, with confidence, I am an English teacher.

영어선생님이에요.

#SaveOurToya

Starring Toya

February is here!

What will become of our wandering heroine, you may ask? Or you don't really care...

Either way!

February is here and I'm happy.

Everything has worked itself out for me, somehow...

These last six-ish months, were as much up as they were down. It was a bit WILD, to be honest.

But now...now, things have settled and feel...like a cliche moment.

Wait a minute... Am I seriously living a cliche? It's as if my movie suddenly did a wrap, everything just...works itself out.

Oh dear god.

I'm living a cliche...

#SaveOurToya

Depends on your school

Some of you who've found my blog, may be contemplating Fulbright Korea? If so, then this post may be of interest to you!

As right now, I'm about to drop some knowledge about the program that you don't see until you're in the program.

Everything can be boiled down to four words: depends on your school.

How many classes you teach? - depends on your school.

What kind of classes you teach? - depends on your school.

Homestay Family? - depends on your school.

Coteacher's interaction with you? - depends on your school.

None of us ETAs have the same story. From one ETA who teaches 8 classes to another who teaches 25. Oh yeah, you may be teaching over 22 hours a week. Of course, you'll be paid for the extra work, but still. It's overwhelming and intimidating, but once you get into the flow of things, it's doable. You may be lucky that you don't have to create a new lesson for each hour and that you can use the same lesson for all the same grade levels. Unless, you're like me...

Me, being an Elementary ETA who teaches a total of 20 students, with my smallest class being 2 students big and my largest class being 11 students small. Practically creating new lessons at a constant rate. 

Fulbright can prepare you for some of the cultural differences and potential misunderstandings during Orientation. They can also help with your language skills. Oh! And polish some of your teaching skills through workshops and FEP teaching .

But, once you leave Orientation and you're at your placement...your school is who guides you through the rest of your year. You will get tested emotionally, physically, mentally, psychologically, and any other '-ally' that I can't think of right now. 

It is literally like any other job, if I were honest. Your first month at a new job will have you thinking, 'I love this job!' to 'Ugh, why did I take this job?'. When you become a teacher abroad, it's a bit longer than a month. And once you feel at peace with your job, you realize it's been about six months. That is why a lot of people who teach abroad tell you, 'the first six months are the hardest'. 

Probably a little harder than they need to be, but a positive attitude helps you get through the worst of it. How you look at your situations, every single one of them, will shape your experience during your grant year. While a lot of your day to day is dependent on your school, all of it is dependent on you.

Are you going to look at your situation in a negative way, making it worse, or are you going to be positive, and make the best of what you have?

I could be upset that I have to create 22 new lesson plans a week, or I could just take this as an opportunity to show my students more fun ways to learn English.

#SaveOurToya

Rolling With the Punches

One thing about living in Korea, you tend to find things you don't understand.

For example, why do so many changes happen last minute?

It may not be last minute that the change was going to be implemented, but by the time I found out about it, well...it sometimes fell a little bit after last minute. However, it generally happens within five minutes of the impending event. Remember when I got a three-hour long class that originally was supposed to be only 40 mins long? (See post here)

Exactly.

I've contemplated many ways over these last six months on how to better get informed on the on-goings of my school.

One of those ways was asking for the school calendar. It's definitely all in Korean, but sitting down with it, translating it... It's helped loads. I can now initiate conversation with other teachers to ask what's going on for 'XXX' event or have an idea if a class of mine will get cancelled. And as I get more engaged about certain events, the more willing other teachers were to talk to me without prompting.

Whether it was about school or not.

I was getting informed!

Sometimes, even a month in advanced.

It also helped in connecting with the students. When I knew that a field trip was coming up, or a festival competition, I could start asking the kids if they felt ready or prepared for the event. Generally, I also tagged along, but it's more about the bonding before and after the event that were a great way to connect with the other students.

But, best to keep in mind...it doesn't solve all notification problems.

There is still an established culture of changing things up as they organically come up.

In Korea, you really learn to roll with the punches.

#SaveOurToya

Learning Korean

Friends back home must be shook that I took this long to finally write a post about learning Korean. Unlike my language learning in the past, I have no regrets this go around.

That's right, I used to have regrets when it came to learning languages. Or maybe it was more...guilt? 

Look, either way...there were some negative feelings. Even when I was learning French, which I have a degree in. And at some point, the negativity grew so overwhelming, it hindered me from enjoying French. It hindered me from getting better at French.

It kind of just held me down and wouldn't let go.

Even when I tried getting out of the funk by studying ASL. Things seemed like they were going better, but next thing I knew...

NOPE!

I kind of forgot what it meant to learn a new language. Why I enjoyed it so much. 

Until very recently, anyways. I remembered that the point in learning a new language was having fun with it! If you get fixated on the finer details or shy about your ability, you may end up like I did a few years ago.

A rut.

A rut filled with disappointments and a complete lack of motivation.

All-in-all, my French phase was ROUGH.

Which is why I don't want to slip into that same pattern that took the joy out of language engagement when it comes to learning Korean.

Now, my level may be a shaky step from the starting line, but it's a GOOD step. A step forward, and that's all that matters. I'm going to try my damned hardest not to be shy in my Korean. Nor will I be so obsessed on my Korean being perfect.

What matters is the engagement!

Today in class, while others were making sentences like, '만두 맛있어요!'[Dumplings are delicious!], I'm gonna be that student who says, '손 두개 있어요'. [I have two hands.]

I'm going to be the student who is going to try and take what we learned that day and apply it to me and not just reiterate the same old lingo. (Yes, I do have 2 hands. Wild. I know.)

Every new vocabulary word is going to be added to my Quizlet Word Bank. Even if grammar is out the window, mostly because we haven't studied it yet, at least I am gathering the parts together to at least start the puzzle.

I LOVE puzzles by the way.

And sure, maybe sometimes I'll struggle and get shy. 

But hell...

I'm trying, and that's what matters.

#SaveOurToya

A Good Day

Today's been a good day.

For once, I have nothing to say in the matter of negativity. I woke up to fantastic news. I put off breakfast for even better news. And, I actually completed all my errands today.

Let's also not forget that today's Chicken Day.

Today has been so good to me, I wanted to share it with all of you!

Fantastic News: One of my oldest friends is being stationed in Korea starting August. That means...she'll be here all of my second year!

Even Better News: My parents booked their tickets and will be visiting me come May~! No clue how they'll like Korea, but I'm hoping they'll see how well I've adjusted and get to enjoy their time here.

My Errands: Finally able to finish two particular errands that I've been putting off for a week or so now. I even found the post office. I sent letters.

Chicken Day: A day I hang out with a few of the other foreigners in my town and we get to enjoy chicken, good company, a wonderful playlist, and relax!

All-in-all, this Wednesday is my kind of Wednesday.

#SaveOurToya

Host Families

May I be frank?

Because I think it's time we've had a real conversation about host families. It's such a big part of the Fulbright Korea experience, after all.

I've mentioned my host family in the past a few times already, both in a positive and not so positive light. I haven't necessarily hidden anything, but I think I've finally figured out how to describe a homestay.

And though you may not like what I'm about to say, its the honest truth.

A homestay family is what you make of it.

Each family is different. And that's the most important thing to understand. No one family is alike. They all have different situations going on, with different plans and ideas. They even have these preconceived ideas of who you are. They worry about what to feed you as they are required to feed you both breakfast and dinner. They make agreements with your school before your arrival.

Or not with your school and everyone finds out last minute or mid-way through your grant year.

Now, none of these statements are excuses. They are simply statements of facts that can and/or will affect your homestay life.

Does that mean that you live as if the other shoe may drop at any second?

Maybe.

But it doesn't have to be that way.

I already said it. Homestay life is what you make of it.

So, how do you handle moments that leave you- well...freaking out?

First, your freakout is totally understandable. There's nothing wrong with it. Nothing.

Its the next part that's a little harder. Making an informed decision of what to do next.

For example. Your homestay family just told you something that basically sounds like you're going to be homeless in a month or two due to them only agreeing to six months of housing you.

That's all they tell you and it's left you floundering for at least a week.

But there's more.

There's always more...

That is why making an informed decision is so hard.

So, you have to give it time, even though you don't want to give it time. No, that's the furthest thing from your mind of what you want to do. Time? Ugh, no. But time you must give. Because then you find out the truth.

The truth why you're only staying for six months.

It can take weeks before you get the full story, but at the same time, you're going crazy from all the thoughts.

Homestays can be hard, they can be challenging in ways you least expect them to be. But you can also have fun and have loads of inside jokes with your homestay family. Half a year can fly by and you don't even know it.

Make what you can at your homestay, and never not try to connect with the people that you live with. You may be surprised who you're living with, whether the situation is bad or good.

#SaveOurToya