What was the Click?

Last Friday, I posted about how I got out of my rut. I wasn't very descriptive and there's a reason for that. While something may have clicked, I wasn't ready to talk about it. Not in full detail, anyways.

So let me take this time to describe what all went down.

Since moving back, my emotions have been at an all time high. However, those emotions were not all positive ones. I was excited to start my dream job and the contact high of reaching a dream that I had been waiting for since high school was indescribable. Sometimes, I still can't believe where my life is.

I mean, how many people can say they're doing their dream job? And how many of them can say they achieved it in their 20s?

I'll wait.

But with those positive feelings, come the negative ones. And like a friend said, 'shouldn't they be low ones?'

Fair question. But here's the thing. The way I feel my emotions, even my negative feelings can be described as 'high'. Just because I'm feeling sad or angry, doesn't mean my feelings aren't running over 100%. Honestly, I want to say that I feel my negative emotions more than my positive ones.

Or in other words, I take the good moments for granted.

So, those moments when things click is actually when I remember the good. I take a moment to remember the good in my life. And it's not easy. Lord have mercy, it is not easy.

I've been in Iowa for 3 months and for 3 months I've been teetering on the edge of my emotional fence.

Last week was when I found stability.

The question now remains, how?

How did I find even-footing in the emotional turmoil that my life had become?

The easy answer, "fuck, if I know".

The not-so easy answer, "where do I begin?"

You know that saying, 'you should do what makes you happy?' Well, that's not easy when you're in quarantine or lockdown or whatever you want to call this time we're in. Coronavirus or COVID-19 put a full stop on happiness.

Okay fine, you get to stay home and enjoy not working (or you get to telework), but you're also isolated. Especially if you live alone. And yes, we have online options to keep in touch with people miles away that can help alleviate the loneliness. But it's not the same. It's a temporary fix of a take for granted fact of life. It's rough for those who have the love language of physical touch. Like me...

I could really go for a nice warm hug right about now.

Our current pandemic is scary, terrifying, lonely...I don't know...I can't really put a word to it, but whatever it is, it's negative. At least for me.

Honestly, I thought, 'hey! I have more time for myself and getting things done. I can take all this time and focus on my goals!'

I come to find out, 'what goals do I have?' I couldn't focus on anything, because I couldn't remember what my goals were for. I reached my dream job, but now what? I wanted to study Korean, but why? I wanted to reach my goal weight, but how? I wanted to save money, but to what end?

And this is where my click comes into place.

I finally found the answers to these questions. Which seems pretty standard, but if I didn't believe in those answers, then I wasn't really any closer. When I believe in my answers, I believe in myself.

And that is what was missing.

I forgot how to believe in me.

Somewhere between Korea and Iowa, USA, I lost my sense of purpose. Which is a lot easier than what one thinks.

It's been 4 days since my click and here's what I have to show for it:
1) I know where I want to go on my career journey.
2) I'm studying Korean for myself and for my future.
3) A consistent sleep schedule and healthy eating are my current methods until I can add exercise on a more consistent basis.
4) My money is for family events and future travel plans.

These answers may seem easy or 'duh!' to you, but they weren't for me. They're a lot, plain and simple. I'm building new habits and practicing better self-control. Each day is not easy, but each day I feel a little more secure and a little more ready for the next day.

#SaveOurToya

아시다시피...

"For five minutes, five, there is no Korean. Only English. If I hear Korean, we restart."

These were the words my 5th grade class got to hear. And I don't know if it's because I've been teaching for almost 1.5 years, the silence/paying attention for once, or all the TEDx talks I've been listening to, but today's lesson went almost perfectly.

The only thing that didn't go well...I didn't get to finish some of the slides. But that's okay. I'll just put them to Friday's lesson as a review for today's lesson.

No sweat.

Yet, despite having a great teaching day so far (I've taught 2 classes, and that 1st class could've gone better, I also know it could've gone A LOT worse, which is why I'm taking my win, thank you very much), I cannot get away from the explosive anger I still feel from last Friday.

Now, before I tell you what happened, let me try to put this anger to words.

I'm not a person who gets angry often. I can be, and I have been, but generally you can see happiness when you see me. Of course, under all that happiness is my social anxiety, depression, and a lack of self-worth, but the point is, no anger.

I like to get along with everyone I meet, but that can be hard. Some people don't vibe well, or they have no interest in being on good terms.

And fair. I respect that.

Boundaries are important.

What I can't respect is blatant disrespect. I don't just get angry. I get pissed.

You may not see smoke coming out of my ears, my face glowing as a visually red thermometer effect is happening, or growls coming from the back of my throat, but I won't be silent.

Unlike some people. (Is this a dig a certain group of people? Oh yes. It is. Keep reading until the end to see who.)

Not sure if I successfully penned out my words, but I did say I would try.

Let's get into what happened.

On Friday, it was lunch time. And lunch time meant soccer. Of course, waiting to let your stomach settle...not exactly on anyone's mind. We were about to have fun.

I promised a student I would be on the pitch, finished up my lunch, and felt pretty relaxed as I hustled to my spot in the goal.

At first, things started off well. I mean, for elementary schoolers playing soccer, there's passing and not bad passes. I see a lot of potential on the field, but all that potential goes out of the window the second these kids started to feel inadequate, ignored, or some other word that starts with 'i' that has a negative connotation.

I may not be a soccer expert, but as someone who played the sport for 9-ish years, playing almost every position (but goalie, ironically), with soccer camps, tournaments, and various teams, I'm definitely proficient enough to understand how the sport goes.

And with soccer, what doesn't fly, is narcissistic bullshit.

Guess who brings their narcissistic bullshit on the pitch?

The school's "best player".

Now, guess who gets hurt by it?

Everybody. The other team, teammates, the "best player".

I don't know what's going on in this kid's life or what may have truly sparked the narcissism (I can guess all I want), but you bring this bullshit on the pitch, people are going to get hurt.

Emotionally.

Physically.

Which is what happened on Friday.

The "best player", in his effort to be first to the ball as this whole game wasn't going his way, was tripped by another child who is 4-5 years younger than him on accident. We all understand how young children are here to play and have fun and what do you mean my limbs don't function the way I want them too?

But our "best player", as he fell and cried on the ground like the best Italian player, he was also up off the ground in the blink of an eye and shoving his "attacker" to the ground and saying spiteful words.

I think I teleported to these kids' sides so fast I broke the sound barrier. And, as a bonus feature, my students got to see what happens when you push me too far. As a daughter of a retired veteran, I've experienced a few...let's call them "army tactics"...when it comes to showing your displeasure with someone without putting your hands on a person.

1) My voice dropped several octaves.
2) I got close.
3) I kept it curt.
4) I didn't blink.

Now...this also comes with an intimidation factor that one should use responsibly. Personally, I don't like using it on children. There are other ways to get correct behavior.

And yet...

*sigh*

In my guilt, I let the game finish. It was much more toned down, except now the "best player" was releasing their anger on me. (Rather me than someone 4-5 years younger than them.)

Five minutes later, I was messaging a friend if they could translate something for me. Between leaving the pitch and sitting at my desk, I realized that what had happened could've been avoided. Sure, I had spoken up in the past when I saw unfair play, but unfortunately, it sometimes happens.

I realized, I should've been more strict about it.

I realized, I couldn't play with people who couldn't respect the game, let alone each other.

Toya teacher...she was done playing soccer.

Until my students learn to respect each other and the game, they can bet I won't be on that pitch for a single second.

And you know what else?

I wasn't the only teacher playing soccer. There were three other adults, one actively playing with us, who didn't do a damn thing.

Not a single consequence, scolding (outside of mine), nothing.

Where is the accountability?

A lot of people already drop the ball where I am concerned, but the students? Don't drop their ball. Unlike our students, I don't need someone to teach me how to act. I've had my lessons. But these kids....they're still learning. Give them their boundaries. Give them their realities. Give them their responsibilities.

As you know,

#SaveOurToya

Wait...I'm 26?

In Korea, your age is a little different than what you're used to when you come from a Western country. To put it simply, when you are born, you don't start with 'so and so months old', you are officially 1-year-old. My understanding of that reasoning is that the months spent in your mother's belly....well, they count too.

Now, I'm not going on to the topic of 'pro-life vs pro-choice', I am simply stating a fact on how your age is determined in Korea.

Therefore, as a person born in the lovely year of 1993 as I am, I am 27 years old in Korea.

And as my birthday was today (Sept 4th), I am 26 years old in the States.

However, as I live in Korea I give out my Korean age.

Talk about a shock to my system when someone told me 'happy 26th birthday' this morning. Well, that was after I read about someone else telling me to wish my dad a happy birthday first.

Now, to put that into context, let me explain. My dad and I don't share a birthday. His is the day before mine. We've never had an issue in all the 27...26 years I'd been alive.

Until now.

I wasn't pissed off or told the person off. I simply took a screenshot and sent it in the family group chat. And then...maybe I was a little petty. I redacted the person's name and photo on the screen, added the something along the lines of 'nothing like getting told to wish someone else happy birthday on your own birthday' and posted it to my Facebook stories. I didn't even care if that person saw it or not.

"But what about the time zones, Toya?"

What about them?

Personally, I find it a slap in the face when a person doesn't take the time to look into such matters. It's really not that difficult, ESPECIALLY with technology. I'm not asking for you to find the position of the sun and calculate the wind speed to find out the time difference (note: I have no clue how to ACTUALLY find out the time difference).

A simple 'hey google? What's the time difference between here and South Korea?" would suffice.

Hell, you could even message me and simply ask first, then write your message appropriately.

"Oh, I didn't realize it was your birthday afterwards!"

I'm not asking you, too. Though it may seem like it, I'm not. However, if you know my dad's, you should know mine. But on the off-chance you don't know my birthday, then I guess you should have my dad's number. Seeing as you can remember his birthday. Then you can call and message him directly. Or hell, message my mother...you know...his wife. Who is actually with him. Not the daughter who lives in South Korea.

Oh...is my pettiness showing?

You know what, no. This isn't pettiness. This is my irritation being vented out.

Fear not! My birthday wasn't all bad~!

My students made it memorable with their wild antics that were calmed down by their more shy classmates. I got a few presents and many well-wishes. I felt their love.

Truly.

After school, I had a goal of going to buy a blueberry cake. The bakery didn't have it, so I settled for a few baked goods that I brought home and enjoyed while watching my new Drama.

Despite how my morning started, my birthday ended pretty well!

#SaveOurToya

GoodBye

Isn't saying goodbye one of the hardest things to get through?

All these feelings and memories popping up as you say goodbye not giving you a moments' peace.

Ugh.

It's getting harder and harder to write this post.

Apparently, I still haven't found my voice.

Now, this post isn't even a 'see you later' goodbye, but a 'I don't know when I'll ever see you again' goodbye. And I am literally the WORST at those kinds of goodbyes.

I never know what I'm supposed to say or do. I'm like that person who will go for the high five when you go for the fist-bump.

Oh dear god.

I'm that awkward parent trope that's trying to stay woke.

I know I act like a retired grandma who is 100% done with people's shit and wondering when I get my next nap, but really? Have I truly made it to the point that I can't do social interactions anymore?

**DEEP BREATH**

Okay. I can do this.

This post is about goodbyes.

This week, a majority of the Fulbright 2018-19 cohort are going home, saying goodbye to their time in Korea and hello to their next part in life. It's a kind of...bittersweet change. Though I wasn't very travel or social heavy like the rest of my cohort (retired grumpy grandma, remember?), it's still odd to think that after this week, they won't be in the country to reach out to. Those 79 people that survived an 8-week Orientation with, not crossing a river boundary, reluctantly obeying FEP dress regulation DESPITE the heat, battling for the washer and dryers, and enjoying soju outside the nearby 7/11s.

Mentioned in an earlier post, I described how I was at a loss of words during this transitioning time.

I'm still clearly affected, but...I can feel that I'm also just so much closer to my voice for the coming year.

On August 19th, 2018, I wrote about 79 goodbyes and 80 hellos. I wished my cohort all the best during their time in Korea. Now, as it closes out for most of them, I wish to extend similar well -wishes to them as they move to their next journey.

To those who are renewing a second year like I am, may this second year be just as fantastic (if not more) than our first year!

And to the new first years...may you forge new memories that you may never forget!

#SaveOurToya

Never Ending Semester

You ever get to the point where you would stare into a coat closet for a good long moment, wondering why you couldn't find your mug?

No?

Well dang.

Guess it's just me.

Now, I suppose saying I'm tired is a bit of an understatement, no?

And look, I've checked my sleeping patterns (technology is cool like that) and it's not that I'm tired.

So, what is it?

Well...can someone explain to me how it is almost July and I'm still teaching? How am I not on summer break? How did I fall into this situation where I will still be teaching all the way up to August?

Y'all. I'm not tired. I'm exhausted, in that way that I need a vacation to recharge and not a good night's rest.

Not too sure how I'm still functioning right now.

No, wait....

Am I even "functioning"?

Coat closets don't hold mugs.

Working through this exhaustion has been a noticeable challenge. I'm putting it up there with the senioritis I was internally crying through during Grad School. But like the last two years, I wouldn't give it up. There's been some good moments this last month that I wouldn't give up either.

Fresh veggies from the school farm.

Homemade yogurt.

Laughing like no ones watching.

New friends.

Makes me wonder where I'll be this time next year. Will I be looking in the copier for my mug or will I grab it from its actual location that its always in?

This semester may be never ending in an almost painful way, but its also been a time for me to enjoy the small moments that I used to let pass me by. In 3 days, June will be over and it will officially be July. My second year in Korea will officially start as the clock starts ticking down to the finish line.

As I said in a Facebook post, I hope to keep this blog going and talk more about my adventures and the awesome people that I have met and will meet.

Just gotta get through another month of teaching before I can be on vacation!

Oh, and before I forget.

My mug was on my desk...

#SaveOurToya

It Goes With Saying

During a discussion about what to get for my school while on a business trip to Taiwan, I accidentally read my friend's message wrong.

What the message said: Yeah, that should be enough.

What I read: You should be enough.

For a hot minute I felt a profound sense of happiness overcome me to the point I almost started blushing in happiness. However, my brain quickly corrected that interpretation.

Silly me, for reading that wrong.

When I told my friend what happened, they told me 'that goes without saying'.

Between calculating how much money I would need to exchange and whether I was an idiot for leaving my American credit card at home, I began to think if phrases like 'you should be enough' truly do go without saying? Could it be that this unspoken norm has damaged society over the years?

Has it damaged me?

I mean, let's think about it.

In its most simplest form, hearing good things about you isn't a bad thing. I would say it's a good thing. For a few seconds there, I felt good about myself. But then, that part of me that doesn't believe in myself, automatically reread my friend's statement and I realized I read wrong. I wasn't being complimented. The amount of money I wanted to exchange was being complimented.

-sigh-

I don't want to weigh my self-worth on the amount of compliments I've received, because it isn't about what other's see in me. It's about what I see in me, but when I'm not sure what it is I should be seeing, a second opinion never hurts.

Until it does.

Being in Korea, I've had my weight made fun of. My skin color has been labelled as dirty. My hair characterized as wild.

The only compliments I've received were in the area of my acne clearing up and my voice sounding like a movie star.

Whereas in the states, I was praised on my work ethic and ability to be empathetic. It's no surprise that I consider these two qualities as my strongest? In fact, I went and got a Master's Degree where I could combine them as a career option for myself.

My quick thinking and adaptability made me competent on the soccer field. My coach and other teammates told me that they liked how I played. After nine years, I'm not the last pick when I play a soccer pick-up game. In fact, my mother told me that had I had the heart in the sport, I probably would be on a professional team. And if I was on a professional team, you know damn well that I would go for a national team.

Just saying.

Would I have gone down a different path had I been complimented in other areas? If my passion would've been stoked more toward soccer or if I had been told my math skills were fantastic as well, instead of teaching English, I could be a professional soccer player who does research within the areas of sociological diligence.

Unfortunately, the past cannot be changed.

What I do have control over is my present and my future.

I have begun complimenting myself when I come across situations that make me uneasy or my anxiety holds me hostage. And good lord are those compliments hard to say, but that's when I need to hear them the most.

I can't rely on someone else to praise me. I need to believe more in myself anyway.

Remember when I mentioned I was going to Taiwan for a workshop? Here are some truths that I've been trying to overcome these last two months in preparation for Taiwan.

1. Many times I wanted to decline going. I do not think I will make a good impression due to all my nerves. I'm making things burdensome for my school.

2. Many times I felt financially unbalanced. In my goal to save money this year, I've been hit with a few purchases in the last month that has left me not meeting my target goals. And while I'm not paying for a majority of this trip, I still worry that I'll spend more money than I need too.

3. Many times I had to remind myself to be social while in Taiwan. I wouldn't say that I am at hermit levels of being social, I still tend to shy away from large crowds or being social at a normal level. I've been working hard on this, but I still have my backslides. I didn't want one to happen while in Taiwan.

4. Many times I needed to tell myself that I earned this opportunity. And while I'm not sure what part of my Fulbright profile made me qualify for this opportunity, something stood out to the Commission. I just only wish I knew what it was.

It was during these many times that I would tell myself a compliment.

1. I am smart.

2. I am strong.

3. I am amazing.

4. I am worthy.

Each time, it got easier to get through the negative. My voice got firmer.

It goes without saying?

No. It goes with saying.

#SaveOurToya

Saturdays

I can still remember a time when Saturdays were about lazy wake-ups, family breakfast, and catching my favorite Saturday morning cartoons. There had even been the odd day where I could slip back into bed and catch a few more minutes of sleep before I would be reprimanded into Saturday Cleaning Day fun.

Unfortunately, those Saturdays no longer exist for me. I can't remember when things started to change, or if it's even finished changing. What I do know is that on this sleepless Saturday morning, while walking to my Korean lesson, I made a realization on a matter I've been avoiding since elementary school. At some point during those formative years, I had begun lying to myself. One of the best well-kept known secrets.

This wake up call came while I was in the process of walking by a group of men this morning and did not feel threatened. Now, I cannot speak for all women (cis or trans), but many of us share an unwanted understanding. This awareness that we share is that a group of men does not equal safe. It doesn't matter if we are with friends or walking on the opposite side of the street. Too often have we heard of our sisters being targeted simply for trying to exist.

Rape culture is alive and thriving in this man's world where women are seen more as a way to improve a reputation than a person.

Another human-being.

So yeah. We understand each other's fear.

But this morning, as I walked by this group of men, that fear could not be found. It wasn't because I suddenly felt a sense of womanly empowerment. Or the fact that Korea has felt safer to me than a time in the states. No, fear was no where to be found.

What I felt instead was my anxiety questioning if any of them found me even remotely worth looking at outside of my clearly foreign features. If I was even remotely worth attacking.

Let me say that again.

If I was even remotely worth attacking.

The wave of anger and disappointment that overcame me when I registered what I had just thought was so heavy, I had to sit down. I slipped into the nearest cafe and found a seat. I could ask myself if I lost my damn mind as many times as I wanted, but I wouldn't have been able to answer.

Because there it was.

The secret that has always been there, but I've managed to avoid in an almost comical routine as I pushed through the day. I finally confronted my unspoken secret on the second floor of an Ediya cafe, two hours before my Korean lesson on a Saturday morning.

My lack of self-esteem, my self-worth...they were no longer a secret.

I don't know how this may change me, now that I'm acknowledging what I lack. Maybe I'll find that empowerment or perhaps my self-esteem will get at least a little boost?

Who really knows?

#SaveOurToya

I don't like being tricked

Today, I found myself silenced again.

But instead of some creep trying to assault me, my host family, with all their good intentions, completely disregarded my wishes.

My voice.

This time, I didn't stay quiet.

I've been fighting off a cold/flu thing this last week. And all week, my host family has been urging me to go to the hospital, to which I have politely declined.

"No, I'm good."

"No, thank you."

"No."

I don't think I could have been any clearer in my wishes of not going to the hospital. And yet...I found myself at a hospital this afternoon (12/31), politely rejecting my host mom from making me an appointment.

Fam, they got me all the way to the hospital before I figured out that the appointment wasn't just for host mom, but also me.

It took longer than it should have for host mom to understand that I was not seeing a doctor, no matter how nice she was trying to make it sound.

"Oh, he's really good for a cough."

"Do it for the experience."

"Host dad is worried."

I don't give a damn about a doctor's credentials. I do not want the experience. And I won't be guilt tripped into making a decision I've said I did not want to do. You took my choice away from me. You disregarded my voice on the matter. And you fucking tricked me.

I don't know how often I've told them that I don't go to the hospital for a cold. It's not a matter of pride or having sub-par health insurance, but a matter of cultural differences. For me, a cold means sleeping it off. Not a trip to a hospital.

A cough means I just got over a cold and I'm working on expelling the mucus. Not a trip to a hospital.

I don't know if I've expressed it well enough, but the shit they just pulled?

It was a slap in the face.

I've been told by others that they mean well. Meaning-well is one thing, for which I have nothing against. But disregarding what I've been saying because you think you know better than me, is a completely different story.

See, here's what I seriously don't get. I've mentioned this before, but it bears mentioning again. Why is it, we get all this training about respecting the culture here, but schools and homestays don't get taught to respect our culture? Our thoughts and opinions? Because at the moment, the way I see it, because we're being polite and respectful, we've built this persona that is more or less disregarded by our peers around us. Because they think they know better.

And fine, this is their country. They do know better on how their country works. I can admit I don't get how things work in Korea, and I'm constantly learning new things.

But when it gets to a point where I'm walking out of a hospital pissed, because the people who are supposed to be my "family" have disregarded my wishes, then there's a problem here.

You know what, even when I was completely pissed and extremely tempted to just walk out of the hospital, I still tried my hardest to be respectful and make sure my host mom saved face. Hell, I'm pretty sure I kept that stilted, but polite smile on my face the whole time.

Right now, I honestly don't know how much longer I can stay in a homestay. There are good moments, one's I don't write about, but they exist. They make staying here, a lot of fun. But then things like this happen and it reminds me all over again why I want to have my own place.

#SaveOurToya

Poetry - I am tired

It's a struggle being constantly on.
I never stop smiling
I never stop laughing
I just never stop.
Sometimes, I don't even know why I'm happy.
Have you ever stopped
and thought about it?
Why am I happy?
Why did that make me smile?

It's a struggle being constantly on.
I never stop smiling
I never stop laughing
I just never stop.
I've been on for so long,
I don't even remember what it's like being off.
I imagine there's an inner peace,
cradling me in its arms,
whispering softly that everything was gonna be okay.
That I don't have to try so hard
that I can just drift along
and leave my worries outside my four walls.

It's a struggle being constantly on.
I never stop smiling
I never stop laughing
I just never stop.
I want to say that there was a time
when 'on' read as 'off'
and I didn't have to fight my reflection.

It's a struggle being constantly on.
I never stop smiling
I never stop laughing
I just never stop.
Do you know what it means
to constantly be at odds with your Self?
All I want to do is sleep
and know why I laugh.
But every time I try,
pulling my strength from pools
I didn't even know,
something- someONE
steps in my way
And I'm still running,
running,
running- Where am I running?
I don't know.
My legs are tired.
My laugh is tired.
I am tired.

It's a struggle being constantly on.
I never stop smiling
I never stop laughing
I just never stop.

Crying At Work

That's right. I was crying at work today.

They weren't sad tears, but relieved ones. 

I think...

After the week from hell, I had another case of students using rude language in the classroom. Do you know what it's like to hear a student say, "what the fuck?" after you give them an assignment? A student who, four years ago was in kindergarten? 

And it's not just one student. It's many students. Who say it at different times, on different days.

I'm well aware that they're kids, who don't have a true understanding of what they're saying...but...come on. 

I've stopped class mid-session and called them out on it.

I've said sternly, many times, "No. We do not say that."

I've even kicked two kids out of my classroom, and spoke to them one-on-one. 

For four months, of constantly telling them to stop, that it makes me sad, that its not nice, I'm finally brought to tears. 

But not because they cursed me out. That, while hurtful, isn't something that could bring me to tears. They're a couple of decades to early for that. 

No, I was brought to tears because of the apology I just received. 

My fourth grade class, the hellion-class, the ones who have tried me every day, just all said their apologies to me in various states of devastation. It came to my attention that the class was made aware of how I felt when they spoke rudely to me, around me, against me. 

And in return, they asked me to meet them in the science classroom, so they could apologize.

Y'all, I don't even care that they said it in Korean (mostly) and that one of the teachers translated for me. I don't even care that they made me ugly cry in front of them. 

All I know and feel, is that my heart isn't as heavy anymore. After their individual apologies, I had a teacher translate my teary response.

Here's what I told them...more or less...

"I am so happy that you've all apologized. I don't think you understand how much it hurts my heart when you speak rudely. I am so far from home, and I want that we have fun together. I want to make good memories with all of you. My heart is much lighter now. Thank you."

Then I gave them all hugs, because hugs make everything better. It didn't matter that I was ugly crying...some of them were ugly crying...no, that's not what mattered. 

What mattered was that we were moving passed this tough time together. That they understood my feelings and I understood their's. 

That is why I don't think I can classify my tears as tears of relief. It wasn't relief that I was feeling...not exactly. I was feeling an overwhelming sense of connection. I felt that finally, we connected. That we understood each other. 

And now for the rest of the day, I have such a delicate balance on my emotions. I can feel myself sometimes tipping over towards, 'gurl, you abou'ta cry', and have to jolt myself back to a steady spot before I ugly cry in the 교무실 and we don't need that. 

No one needs that.

Well, I probably do. But I can cry at home when I have my hot chocolate with some marshmallows that apparently Daiso sells. 

#SaveOurToya

Baker's Table - A Restaurant Review...sorta

One of the goals I made for myself this grant year was to find a German restaurant in South Korea. While I know how to make most German dishes that I crave from time to time, sometimes I just want someone else to cook. That's right, I admit it. I like being lazy.

Big shocker.

A couple of weeks ago, I found a place called Baker's Table. It had a pretty intensive menu that put a smile on my face and a dinner date in my planner. 

Finally the day came. I was so excited! I found some time before my meeting to scope out where the place would be, so I could head straight there after my meeting and make the most of it before catching my bus.

I don't think I can convey just how much I needed this to be a good moment for me.

No, not good.

It needed to be wonderful, exciting...brilliant.

When I finally stepped foot into the place, I...was kinda disappointed. 

In a single glance around the place, I noticed it was packed to the point of being uncomfortable. Which meant, there would be a long wait.

Really long.

I would miss my bus, long.

You know, big picture here...with the week that I had, I wasn't too surprised that this wasn't working out for me either. Disappointed, but not surprised.

Instead of focusing on the crippling disappointment and crying in a room full of strangers, I decided to grab some stuff from their bakery and then take off. It'll give me the chance to pop into a clothing store I've been eyeing (OKBT) before heading to the Nambu Bus Terminal.

Sometimes, I'm really thankful that my brain can make rational decisions while the rest of me is trying to figure out which way was up. 

I'll have to try again another day, but...at least their baked goods were rather delicious. Which I had to wait about ten minutes to get together. 

Here are some pictures of the bakery:

#SaveOurToya

Curious about the week I had? I recommend reading the following posts: Lost, Permanency, and Train Naps. They all happened within a week's time marks one of the roughest weeks I've had in 2018.

Train Naps

All I wanted to do was nap.

Hey everyone, I'm going to be very candid here, and let you know this may be a triggering piece. If the topic of sexual harassment/assault and/or non-consensual makes you uncomfortable, than this post is not for you.

That being said...I want to follow up with, "I'm okay". I went back and forth on whether I should post this, but then I remembered the reasons I started this blog. And one of those reasons was honesty.

-----------------------

I had a late night on Friday. I had a fabulous dinner at a bulgogi "tent" with a friend in Daegu, followed by a cute cafe. As in, I'm pretty sure I found my favorite cafe in Daegu. It gave me a wholesome feeling and that's what mattered most.

This week had not been kind to me. :(

So, from cafe to hostel, I wasn't asleep until just before midnight. When I went to sleep, I was excited for Saturday. I was going to catch a train to Seoul, do some shopping, German restaurant (!), and see some friends for a five hour meeting (more excited for the friends than the five hour meeting). My Saturday was planned with the precision of a daughter raised by a German mother.

The second I sat on my train at 4:30am, I was ready to nap the whole ride. Seeing as I barely had three hours of sleep.

Clearly,  a nap sounds lovely, doesn't it?

And yet...someone had to ruin it.

Sitting in my window seat, with my large winter coat covering me, listening to my audiobook, eyes closed. I was relaxed and enjoying myself. It was so peaceful that I was about to turn off my audiobook and fall asleep.

I did not give it a second thought. My last few train rides were very chill and relaxed.

I registered that someone had sat down next to me, but that happens. You don't get to pick your seats, the system does. I shifted over a little since I figured the person was a little bigger than me, what with our arms and legs touching.

So, I shift.

But then I felt an arm resting on my side, and a leg pressing against my own...again.

So, I shift over...again.

Then I felt it all over...again.

Which is when I realized, this person is purposely being overly touchy. They're leaning on me, pressing against me, touching me...on purpose.

I hated it. I did not want it. I wanted to shove them away from me. Off of me. But I couldn't find it in me, and that made my frustration build.

In a single moment, this person turned me into an object. An object that they thought they had the right to touch. To invade.

I was uncomfortable...angry...disappointed...scared.

I was floundering about, trying to find a way to get out of the situation I found myself in. What do you do in a situation like this? Do I shout? Do I push him away? And if I do, what then? What will happen next? Will I be able to defend myself, or will he say its just the talk of a delusional foreigner trying to ruin his reputation? And with my limited Korean, will I properly be able to defend myself?

All these thoughts kept flashing through my head along with just how confident this person was going to be in a public space.

It was a few short minutes, but for me...it felt hours long. I felt trapped in my window seat, with this silencing invader hovering around me, taking away my voice. A voice I fought to have. Continue to fight to have. And yet...at that moment, I couldn't have a voice. It was robbed from me.

I became the object this person thought I was.

At some point, I found something inside of me. Perhaps it was a reminder of who I am or a hidden strength that has belied my actions for years that couldn't stay silent. I don't know what it was, but I'm so thankful for it. Because at that moment, I finally sat up and looked my attacker in the eye.

At this point, he'd already begun touching my thigh with his own hand, still pushed fully against my side.

And just like that, everything changed.

His leg was no longer pressed against mine. His fingers were no longer touching my thigh. His arm was no longer resting on me as if I was the arm rest. An object.

This whole experience was a reminder that while Korea has given me a safer sense of security than the states, there is still dangers. Dangers that can come at you when you're sleeping. Dangers that can take your voice that you continue to fight for.

This was not my first assault, but it was my first one in Korea. And while I hoped that it would never happen, it has. And I know it won't be the last time. My own autonomy is constantly in question, simply because I'm a woman. I'm not even factoring in all my other identities that take my autonomy further away from me.

Sometimes, life isn't easy and right now, I'm struggling with one of those moments. While I could put all my energy into wishing it never happened, it did.

It happened.

#SaveOurToya

If you or someone you know is ever put in a situation that is no bueno, and you need to talk to someone, please check out the information below. Everyone has different ways with coping and moving past a situation, so this is by no means me telling you what to do. I only want you to have all the resources possible.

Migrant Women's Hotline (365 days/years, English and 7 other languages): 02-1577-1366 or outside Seoul, local area code + 1577-1366.

Seoul Call Center: 120 (02-1220 cell phone/outside Seoul) then press '9' for foreign languages

And evidently 112 and 119 sometimes have English options depending on region and shift but they both automatically trace your phone when you do call.

Asia Emergency Association: 790-7561
Which is a bit more roundabout but might be easier if you need a guaranteed English speaker

Lost

Just when I thought things were going right. That I was happy...

Host mom just dropped some news on me that has left me upset.

Ho ho ho, Merry Christmas to me.

Now, it's been some time since I last posted, and that's due to not feeling the season. This time of year is pretty special to many people, no matter what they celebrate and hold dear to them. For me, this is a time of family, good cheer, Hallmark movies, egg nog, and hot cocoa.

And I've been trying very hard to get into the spirit of the holidays, but it hadn't been working until this morning when I was sitting in a Starbucks. I could smell the coffee brewing, listening to Sam Smith's version of Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas, surrounded by Christmas decoration, and having a laugh with good friends. That was when I felt it. That spark of warmth.

I felt genuinely happy this morning.

Little did I know that eight hours later, I would hear some news that...well, I'm pretty sure that feeling I had was extinguished.

I've lost it...the feeling of home.

#SaveOurToya

Those Little...

You ever get so frustrated to the point of wanting to cry, but you can't because you're just so angry?

As of right now, I'm not sure what's going on anymore. I'm pretty sure common sense has been forcibly thrown out the window and children are having run of the town...uh, school.

How else can all the crap that has happened...well, happen?

These kids need a whole lot of stability and consequences.

These kids need a super nanny.

But what these kids have is baby-glove-consequences.

And me.

And I don't know about those baby-glove-consequences, but I'm ready to do this. These kids can either act right, or go down to the Staff room and tell the adults why I sent them. Hell, I might even go over to Daiso, find myself some nice stationary, so I can write down the truth (because I can't trust them to tell them why they were sent), and then tell the student to go bring it to the VP.

"Today, I told the teacher she'll die."

"Today, I told a student if they wanted to die."

"I'd rather scream across the classroom than listen to the teacher."

"I decided to assault another student."

This list could go on.

No, really...it can.

I don't know about other English teachers abroad, but is this common behavior in your classes? I can only speak of my own teaching experiences and what I remember from when I was in school. I can never remember things getting so OUT OF HAND...

And back in the states, we had a whole list of consequences. There was no tolerance for violence in school.

Detention.

In-school suspension.

Out-of-school suspension.

Expulsion.

You can ask me if these things exist at this school, and I can honestly tell you that only one does...and its explusion.

Listen. I understand when things go bad, you want to get rid of the problem. And sometimes, that's what you have to do. But before you do that, you have to work with the problem. And I mean actually work with the problem.

Not just hope for the best.

For good behavior, reward it.

For bad behavior, acknowledge it and work through it. Together.

Clearly, a kid has anger issues. And clearly, many of the students don't know how to express themselves without getting physical, period.

So...less baby gloves and more actually helping these kids.

At this point, you might be wondering, "Damn Toya, that's a good point. But what are you doing to make a difference in these kids lives?"
Fair question, Fam.

And I'm not saying that I'll hold a culture class titled, 'mad, black woman' and teach them the ins and outs of where that stereotype came from, but these kids will learn something new about me.

I've already instilled my 'heads down' policy. I only use it when it gets too loud and no one is listening. Today, all I wanted them to do was write their vocabulary words. Instead, I had shouting across the classroom and students not staying in their seats. Three minutes in, I had had enough. Yesterday, a student assaulted another student with some scissors. This child could've been very badly hurt. Thankfully, there's only a few scratches. I have no idea what started that altercation or who said what, but frankly...it shouldn't have gotten that far to begin with.

That's why, three minutes in, heads down was activated. But, it was a little different than normal...

I put a touch of...'if ya'll don't put cho'heads down r'ght now, I'mma give you a reason ta be screamin' across this room' into my tone. It was the quickest I've ever seen them shut up and quiet down.

Oh ho ho, Toya-teacher don't play.

And what a wonderful lesson to learn!

That being said...

I'm about to go teach a class with all of my students in it, so that's roughly twenty students, and it's to practice singing an English song for the festival next week. And we both know, things are about to get wild.

#SaveOurToya

If you wanna keep up with the shenangians that are...well, my students at this point...go ahead and hit the 'follow' button on the right! And if something spoke to you at all during this post, please don't hesitate to leave a comment!

The Aftereffects

Trigger Warning: mass shootings, feelings being validated, emotional rambling on triggering topic
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nose clogging.

Throat throbbing.

Eyes watering.

Head aching.

And yet, its the latest news about a mass shooting in a California bar that is making it hard for me to breath. Guys, I don't know where this naive thought came from, but for whatever reason, I thought that once I came to Korea, I'd stop hearing about shootings.

No more heart stopping news.

No more breath quickening to painful levels.

No more.

Joke's on me, I guess.

I'm recovering from a fever right now, not having the most comfortable of week, and it pales in comparison to how I feel.

I am well aware that the topic of mass shootings is a sensitive topic for me. The fact that a fellow Fulbrighter had asked how to broach the topic of mass shootings in America for their Korean students had me tensing, sweating, and breath quickening. It was hint enough that this was a topic that triggered me.

And here's what I recognize.

This is something I need to work through, but I'm not ready to talk nor do I know where to begin. Do I start with the school drills I learned in school for whenever there was a shooter on campus? Or do I start with the attempted mass shooting at my university during my undergrad days? Or the false alarm during grad school? What about Pulse? Parkland?

I keep having to stop typing. My fingers keep stalling.

During the recovery in Orlando after Pulse, I heard from various sources that it's okay to feel what you feel. That your feelings are valid.

That my feelings are valid.

But...maybe its because I'm not surrounded by the community that knew what it was like, or because I've been lulled into a bubble of safety since moving here, but its been getting harder to stay steady whenever I hear about a shooting.

Of all the things to have to prepare myself for with my move, finding support for moments like these was not something I thought I had to do.

I'm working through these emotions, I am.

But it's not easy....hell, writing this post was not easy. I mentioned that I had to stop typing many times. My fingers were literally tensing and causing me to hit the wrong keys. It doesn't help that my thoughts are all over the place and stringing one thought together was so hard.

Partly because of the fever, but mostly because of this topic.

This post was/is more for me than it was for you, I admit. An attempt at putting it all down. Granted, I'm doing better now than I did when I first started this post.

If only it were that easy to move past this.

#SaveOurToya

13 Days Later...

It's been a while! 

Guess who's back~!


C'est moi!

That's right everyone, I am back. And crazily, on the thirteenth day...

As far as I'm concerned, that's not an unlucky number, especially since it's October. Goes well with the theme, don't you think?

I hope you've all taken care of yourselves while I've been away? If not, let's talk! My time away has given me breath and space that has helped me reach a calmer inner peace. A lot has happened, and over the next coming days, I hope to put up posts about most of it!

But first, I want to bring attention to my Thank You post. It's just a small thank you to everyone who reached out to me while I was away. That's really all I'm going to say on the matter as the post itself is rather self-explanatory.

I plan to update this post with links to the other posts that will reflect what happened while I was on my hiatus. And if any of you follow my Insta, I'm sure you have an idea of what I've been up to!  Everything will be linked below~!

I have just one more thing to say.

It feels good to be back.

Please click the 'FOLLOW' button on the right to get updates on my latest shenanigans in Korea.

#SaveOurToya

9/26 - Hiatus
9/28 to 30 - Seoul and the Hospital
10/3 - The Mini-Break
10/6 - Busan

화이팅 (in More Ways than One)

Many of you have reached out to me, sharing your love and positivity during a time I wasn't able to do the same for myself. That is why this post is for you.

To you, who made me smile when I couldn't muster one up myself.

To you, who reminded me that I'm not alone.

To you, who talked me through my thoughts.

To you, who stood beside me.

To you, who listened.

To you, who cared.

To you...

I give you my thanks, my appreciation, and my affection. I know that many of you have your own problems that you're working through. And they are by no means less than someone else's. So, the fact that you took time to reach out means more to me than I can ever express. Know that if you need a willing ear or just someone to talk to, I am here for you.

Without hesitation.

#SaveOurToya

Temporary Hiatus

Hey everyone,

Nothing amazing to post about except that I'll be going on a hiatus for a bit.

Not sure when I'll be back, but I need to focus on myself. A lot of self-realizations have come up lately and I need to work through them.

I hope I won't be gone for too long, but...I know self-care is very important. I will be taking all the time that I need to get through this.

On that note, I hadn't planned on posting anything about my departure, but I feel that it's important that people hear about moments of self-care. Because if you can't care for yourself, who will? No one else owes it to you, but you. If you notice that somethings not right, take a step back. Treat yo'self. Tell people 'no'. Speak up. Do what you need to do to help you.

We only have one chance in this life and it's better to live it happy than miserable.

If you want to get updates on the latest #SaveOurToya shenanigans, please hit the FOLLOW button to the right.

So until I get back, take care of yourselves and live your best life!

#SaveOurToya

Happy Birthday to Toya!

Birthday cake - Blueberry
from Paris Baguette

My birthday fell this week in an odd case of 'Wait, its September?' I don't know what happened, but I don't think it clicked for me that after August came September, until I was in my 5th grade class asking them, "What is today?" 

To everyone's surprise, mine included, it was my birthday.

Birthday dinner was delicious!

Nonetheless, I had a very happy birthday! 

My host family surprised me with a birthday cake and a traditional Korean birthday dinner. It was a night of good food, good conversation, and good people. I couldn't have asked for a better host family! 

I was so very happy!

Outside of the homestay, my friends and family reached out, not letting a little distance come between us. I don't think I'll be able to express how much the well wishes meant to me. It may sound silly, but in all honesty...the fact that people from home reached out to me, it was like they still remembered I existed. It's so easy getting caught up in the day-to-day and the on-goings of everything around you; its so easy to just rely on someone's physical presence as a casual reminder that they exist. Since I'm no longer in the city beautiful, I don't hold it against others when they don't reach out. I understand and am guilty of it myself. 

Apsan with a view~!

In summation (scrabble word of the day), I was grateful and thankful.

Since my birthday fell on a weekday, I was perfectly alright with the small party. I was tired anyways, I was in no mood to get turnt.

However...the following weekend, I went to Daegu and had a such a blast!

Let's just say I climbed a mountain (again!), went to Costco, found cheap good vodka, and didn't make it to bed until 3am. 

This is what 25 years old looks like. At least for me it was. 

#SaveOurToya

Week 7 - Future Goals

Hi.

Can we take a minute to talk about my host family? Particularly, my host parents?

Because these are the lives I want to have.

They are happily married, sixth sense, and doing the happy couple thing. That's great and all things cute.

But. It's this next part that is, in my opinion, the best part.

Despite being extremely happy with their jobs, fully employed and well off, they live like they're retirees.

Not a care in the world, but completely determined. (Only retirees can be so paradoxical.)

They have a cabin. In the woods. Not just any woods. Up on a mountain.

Where they spend just as much time as they do in their town home. Pretty sure they'd rather be in their cabin on the mountain than in their town home. Not that it's a crazy bad town. It's cute and relaxing.

You can see the whole town from their apartment. I love it!

So hi. I'm Toya. I'm 24 years old and want to be a retiree.

Moving right along...

My host parents have been very nice to me, and quite funny. I want to say that they've gotten comfortable with me rather quickly and I with them.

Well, let me rephrase that. I don't feel hesitant to ask questions or to stumble through our language barrier.

That language barrier? It's there. There's no way it'll just disappear. Fact is fact.

But, I try here and there to add what little Korean I know, so that I can lessen the burden on their side.

What I do worry about is that I hope they're okay with me being a quiet person. I tend to be on the more quiet side until I'm comfortable and relaxed. Who knows when that part of me appears, but that'll happen at it's own time. And hey! Maybe by then, my Korean will be better?

They have been so kind to me, fixing my Korean whenever I stumble through or teaching me new words. I've learned how to say, 'what a waste'. Sounds like something my retiree persona would say all the time...

What do you guys think are some other phrases I should learn how to say?

Also! Before I forget, I wanted to show off the beautiful mountains that surround my little town! Please enjoy them~! (The last three are pictures from up on the mountain!)

당동	당동	당동

#SaveOurToya