Big Decision are BIG

I'm about to make one of the biggest decisions I've ever had to make.

This morning, I saw an email in my inbox that told me I had 24 hours to make a decision. Not a lot of time, and I doubt I'll have some saving grace like they do in the movies.

Yesterday, I was ecstatic.

Today, I'm troubled.

Or...at least I was.

I hope no one at work can tell that I was crying this morning.

I really, really hate decisions like this. You know, between the rock and the hard place...it's not a fun place to be.

But it's the place that I'm in and it's a harsh reality that took me blind this morning. I didn't know which was up and down. My head was saying one thing and my heart was tugged between two other things, not even in the mood to listen to my head. And the whole time, the rest of my body went through it's morning routine.

Get up.
Get dressed.
Morning walk.
Get ready for work.
Eat breakfast

After I finished eating, I recognized I was about to fall into a panic attack. I found it in myself to reach out to my friends first.

My first phone call helped calm me down.

After that, my dad called. (At some point, I had informed my family.)

And during that phone call...I began to cry. I couldn't hold it back. My body was reaching critical levels and was already beginning to shut down. It was not having this.

Yet...my dad was able to get me thinking straight again. His calmness and perspective restarted my systems or rebooted them. Whatever you wanna call it, I was no longer crying over my phone curled up on the floor of my kitchen.

We made an outline of what needs to be done.

A game plan.

Even though I still feel raw and not 100%, I know the decision I'm going to make.

Unfortunately...that decision will leave me in tears as well.

#SaveOurToya

Good Days DO Exist

Because not all days are shit days or 'wtf' situations, this post is proof that I also have good days.

And today...is a really good day.

It's finally hitting me that I've lost over 50lbs since my heaviest weight.

That's right!

FIFTY.

This hasn't been the easiest of accomplishments, but it is the most disbelieving ones I've made. It even outranks that I got a Fulbright to Korea. My weight-loss journey has been a cacophony of ups and downs and corkscrew turns. It comes as no surprise that it's taken me a week to believe the numbers I see on my scale.

I still hope to see more pounds shed as time goes by as I strive to reach my goal weight. I have another 42lbs to go, and they will go.

I've made that promise to myself.

No matter where life takes me this year, I will finally be at my goal weight come summer time. I have and will continue to overcome my bad eating habits and lazy decision making.  I will get myself out of my apartment for my morning walks. I won't let myself down.

Because 50lbs lighter has me feeling good.

Real good.

#SaveOurToya

Feb 2019 Thoughts (See how far I've come in a year)
1) Starring Toya
2) 영어선생님이에요
3) To My Precious Sixth Graders
4) Saturdays

Facebook Official

Did you know I was dating someone?

I sure as hell didn't.

Today at lunch I was asked if I had a boyfriend.

"No...why?"

"Really? Not even in America?"

"...no...?"

At this point, I was starting to second guess myself a little. Just a smidgen.

Like, did this person know something about my relationship status that I was not aware of? Am I about to discover that I have a creepy stalker person or something? Am I dating someone?

"Why do you ask?" I prodded for more information, putting my spoon down.

"Oh well...you've been wearing more makeup and dressing really nicely these days. I thought you had a boyfriend."

Pause.

What?

I have to have a boyfriend significant other to put more effort into my looks?

That...That's trash.

If I'm putting more effort into my looks it's because I'm doing it for myself and no one else. And surprise, surprise...I have more time in the mornings to get ready. In fact, I have about an actual hour of additional time for me to get ready instead of the rushed 10 minutes I used to have.

So, yeah. There's gonna be some eye-shadow and less dark circles (cuz I'm getting more sleep) when you look at my face. Glossy lips and a sweet smile. All because I'm taking care of myself!

Moral of the story here: I'm single and looking damn fine.

#SaveOurToya

*deep breath*

Y'all...I almost threw hands at work.

That is how angry I was. 

In an effort to stop myself from spitting venom and throwing hands, I had to mentally pull myself away from a burning rage.

Not even a full day back from vacation and the bullshit was back. I had hoped and truly believed that the time I took back at home had refueled my patience after a ROUGH semester.

Apparently, I was wrong.

As you know, last semester wasn't just rough. It really pushed me to my limits. There were times I felt raw and exposed, seconds away from sobbing at my desk. The disgusting sludge that came with racism, the helplessness as an unwanted bystander, and the irritation that comes with ghosting all played their roles in breaking me down. 

In all honesty, there were times I contemplated breaking my contract and going back home while wiping away my tears and figuring out how to deal with my frustrations. 

My vacation home was as much to see my parents as it was to take a break from all of this. I wanted to put myself back into a positive mental space and prove to myself that these next six months were going to be my best months in Korea.

Little did I know that day 1 of being back at work, I barely stopped myself from snapping.

And not just verbally. 

--*--*--

Okay...so here's what happened.

I'm talking to my co-teacher about next semester. My schedule was changing a little bit and I was expressing my concern about (yet again) putting such vastly different English levels in the same classroom. Will things change? Probably not. But I tried.

Our conversation then switched to another topic. Now...my co-teacher's English isn't the best. She's, in fact, the science teacher. Typically, your co-teacher would be the Korean English teacher; however, my small school only has me as an English teacher. I've adjusted and have become quite adept in understanding low-level English. 

My co-teacher was struggling to explain a legal change that is happening in my province and was lacking the sufficient vocabulary to get her point across. However, we were getting through it. 

But...it was during this conversation that a certain somebody decided to be rude as fuck. This same individual who I know is racist and I've done my best to ignore their presence, needed my co-teacher's attention. 

Since I face the staff room doors, I noticed when they walked in, calling for my co-teacher. Her head was down, focused on her phone. As my co-teacher decided to keep talking to me, I focused back on our conversation. 

Had that been it, I would've forgotten the whole situation.

But that wasn't it.

No.

This same somebody called for my co-teacher again, well aware the two of us were having a conversation. 

My co-teacher still kept speaking to me. At this point, I'm actually irritated. Do they not see my co-teacher is talking to me? Do they not see that it's not an easy conversation we're having? 

Do. They. Not. See?

Had that been it, I would've forgotten the whole situation after the weekend.

But that wasn't it.

No.

This same somebody continued to call for my co-teacher, walked over to us and started tapping her fingers on the desk cubicle. 

If I had looked away from my co-teacher, I don't know what would have happened, but I'm pretty sure whatever image my school has of me as 'Toya teacher' was going to be shattered.

Black women in America know what happens when we show our anger at work. We get labelled as 'aggressive', 'illogical', 'ignorant', 'hostile', etc. Never are we 'justified' or 'in the right'. Nope. We have to learn to keep our anger leashed if we want to be taken seriously.

If I had looked away from my co-teacher, it would've started with a 'do you fucking mind?' to...

It is now the following Monday. 

I took the weekend to calm down. There were some flare ups, but I've processed it.

I don't know what I'll do when the BS happens again, but there is one thing that I do know after everything that has happened.

As of today, I only have 23 weekends left of my contract and I don't need this mess to hold me down. 

Let's see what havoc I can unleash between now and my goodbyes.

#SaveOurToya

My Mini Vacation

It's the end of January 2020, and let's all be honest with ourselves...this first month had a lot of surprises.

Probably the most constant on people's minds right now: the Coronavirus

Affectionately called, the beer virus.

Okay, fine!

No one calls it that except for me. (Maybe...?)

I can't be the only one who thought "...like the beer?" when they first heard of it.

As a reminder, there's a lot of misinformation floating around between Karen on Facebook, clickbait headlines, and word of mouth. Your best sources during this 'international public health emergency' is the World Health Organization (WHO) and the Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). I've also included a video below from Dr. Mike where he talks about the truth of Coronavirus as of January 28th, 2020. He cites his sources and he's a qualified, practicing doctor in New York, USA.

It's been a few days since this video was released and more information about the virus is being learned. Like Dr. Mike said, 'be alert, not anxious'.

This virus was a bit of a concern for me as I was actually traveling as the news was breaking. On Jan 18th, 2020, I was boarding my flight to Florida to visit my parents. I hardly told anyone of my trip as it was originally supposed to be a surprise for my parents.

And while I did tell them on Christmas, I still kept it to a small group of people. While I owe no one an explanation as to why I kept it secret, I still felt I needed to explain myself.

So listen up.

My trip home was not to meet and greet. It was to see my parents. Period.

That's it.

If I ran into people I knew, that's great. If not, well...that's fine. I shouldn't have been stateside to begin with.

I spent 10 days stateside where I learnt something about myself that I hadn't expected.

Florida...I think we should see other people.

That's right! I am breaking up with Florida. During those 10 days, I remembered what it was like living there and while good memories were there, so were the bad.

This last year and a half has changed me for the better and Florida...Florida hasn't changed at all. The me now, can't live where the me of the past was.

While some may be sadden to hear this, it is simply my truth. I will not ignore my truth and will take steps to ensure my continued happiness is number one as I make preparations for my return to America.

Wild...isn't it?

I'm on my last 6 months in Korea...before my trip home...it didn't feel real. The fact that I am leaving in a few months. Since I landed, I now hear the clock ticking down.

It was time I started getting everything ready for my return home, while enjoying everything that is Korea.

As always,
#SaveOurToya

Extra, Ambitious, Wild

These are the three words that a Buzzfeed wordsearch informed me were the vibes I'd be bringing into 2020. We're on day 3 of 2020 and all I can say is that the only vibe I'm feeling, is ambitious.

Sure, it's the new year, everyone has their resolutions. Me too.

But there's something about this year that makes me believe I'm actually bringing all the good things forward in a can't stop/won't stop mentality.

I feel more hopeful and positive toward my goals then any year before now. I'm not sure why I feel different than before, but I do.

I'm sure you must be wondering what I've been getting up to these last three days, right? Well, to be honest with you, I actually started everything back in 2019. I didn't want to delay my resolutions until the new year. I wanted to be on top of everything already by the time the new year hit.

That's why my resolutions started in December already. Here's what my average work day looks like:

5:30am - Get up and get dressed
5:50am - Start my morning walk
6:40am - Finish morning walk and get ready for day/work
7:00am - Make breakfast and prepare lunch
7:40am - Head to bus stop (Jusang)
8:10am - Get to school and prepare for the school day ahead
9:10am - Classes or School day start
4:15pm - Head to bus stop (Geochang)
4:45pm - Drop things off at home and go on evening walk
6:00pm - Dinner
7:00pm - Korean Tutor (1hr)
9:00pm - Bed time

This schedule lets me do so much.

- Sleep goals met (8+ hours)
- Step goals met (10,000 steps)
- Clean eating (So many veggies. So many fruits.)
- Korean Studying (Tutor, if not tutor, self-study)
- Know my free time (aka, when to cook for the next day, if I can hang out, watch Netflix, clean, etc.)

In two weeks, I'm going on vacation for 2 weeks. So, we'll see how my schedule will be effected. Hopefully, I will still play it smart!

Not sure when 'wild' and 'extra' will pop in, but I look forward to seeing how they may play out!

Here's a picture from this morning's walk!

It's cold AF.

How's your 2020 been so far? What goals are you hoping to meet? How will you maintain your goals? Let's talk about it~

#SaveOurToya

The End of 2019

I can't believe it.

2019 is almost over. And unlike last year I'm feeling much better. I'm not typing this post with a glare, but a smile.

(From left to right)Charlotte, Kay-leigh, Pi, Darlene, Me, Kim

Because I am feeling good.

This is what I wanted for myself when the decade first started. In 2009, I was still in high school, not a clue about my future, with exams and soccer matches being the most challenging part of my day.

Past me has nothing to worry about, and that's all I wanted.

I know what I'm doing and where I want to go.

I haven't felt this settled in a long time- God, this feels great!

Just can't keep this smile off my face!!!

A big part of this happiness comes from the Christmas Party my friends and I had on Christmas Eve. It was a small gathering of dinner, snacks, and Secret Santa. I really couldn't have asked for more. It didn't matter that half of the decorations were handmade by us or that it was a boogie ratchet Christmas.

It was with my family away from home~

The six of us even took the time to come up with two New Years Resolutions, and with some smart goals to be able to meet those goals! Cuz if we're going to do them, let's do them right!

-------

Our decorations and resolutions for 2020

My goals:
1 - Staying Connected.
Many of us are going our separate ways in 2020. Back to our home countries to either pursue further education or get a job within our field. Teaching has been fun, but it takes a real hero to stick with it.

Within our group, I'm the only one going back to the US. Which is a big factor of why I don't want to lose touch with the five of them.

I don't want to lose them despite the distance that will separate us in the future.

2 - High Intermediate Korean
I've been saying this for months now, but I'm definitely taking my language study more seriously than ever. I've completed level 1A with the YMCA, finished level 3 of the Talk to Me in Korean grammar books recently, and now....

Now I'm working on getting a tutor.

I'm trying as much as I can to reach my goal before leaving Korea!

-------

I think what helps is that I've already started on meeting these goals. No...I don't think.

I know.

And perhaps the very best part of Christmas happened when I got to speak with my family back home. A two hour phone call that was filled with laughter, drunk ramblings, mom's phone not working, and dad showing up late to the party despite being right next to mom.

I am thankful that in this final year of the decade that I found the joy that had been lacking more and more with each year.

Sounds sad to hear, doesn't it?

But that's what I've been battling at the end of every year. I was worried it would be the same again this year.

But now...it's 6 days before the end of the decade and there's only one way I can end this post.

#ToyaSavesHerself

300 Questions

As a teacher, I've learned that writing my own tests is essential to my students' education.

There are, of course, pros and cons.

Pros:
- Vocab is definitely something they've studied
- Format is familiar
- Directions are simplified

Cons:
- Takes a lot of time
- Students still don't read the directions
- Could be very long

My usual practice of assessing my student's abilities are vocabulary quizzes. They don't know this, but next year, they'll be tested on more than just spelling. This year, I have taken the time to gear them up to be more effective in their English. Speaking sentences and a better grasp on their spelling and listening abilities. I've also worked on their reading abilities. But the only  TEST  they've had are spelling tests.

In addition, my school likes to challenge the students in creative or 'not so creative' ways. For English, they've come up with the idea of a semester exam. The exam is completely voluntary, covers the entire semester, and they could win a prize depending on how many points they earn on it!

I think it's a fun idea.

What's not so fun about it is that it is a test that I write.

Four different times.

During everything that has been happening this last semester, I wrote up 4 exams with a total of  300 questions. Each exam has 7 parts that cover their textbook information, storybook stuff, and whatever other shenanigans we may have covered that semester. If I was going to write this exam and the students could win something, I am going to test. them.

It took me two weeks to complete these exams. Matching the formatting, working with Korean Microsoft Word, and keeping my students' varied levels in mind, I completed the task asked of me.

I'm pretty proud of the exams that I wrote.

And I think the reason I was so proud of them is because my students were at a level that I felt comfortable challenging them the way I did. They've come so far in their English.

I am extremely proud in their abilities!!

Now, as many of my posts, there is a 'can someone explain to me' moment that follows right after setting the stage.

That moment is now.

Can someone explain to me why I was told that 'so-and-so' would be printing out these exams so I don't have to worry about it, and yet someone still came looking for me, asking where the exams were?

Also, why was this person told I was proctoring (invigilating) the exam? I didn't even know when the exam would be today.

The only exam I knew about was the one during 5th period due to extenuating circumstances. I had to sit on that one, and I didn't mind. I wasn't teaching and could do it.

Clearly, there was some miscommunication (yet again).

While I knew the exam was today, I didn't know 100% if I would be sitting in on it or not. I had hoped that if I was needed for the exam, someone would come tell me within 5 minutes of the exam per their usual MO.

Alas, what actually happened wasn't that.

There was me who had no idea who was taking the test, when exactly the test was, and if I needed to be there.

There was the test organizer who I have no idea where they were or what they arranged.

There was the admin person who was supposed to print them out, but didn't know? (I think...)

There was the test proctor (invigilator) who thought I was handling the printing and would join.

So!

When the test was supposed to start (7th period, surprise, surprise), whatever false sense of security was felt for this exam went out the window. I don't know who dropped the ball and I'm not mad at them.

The only thing I hope is that people will start to wake up and see what is happening. It's a bit painful to put so much time and effort into my projects, but get little return.

Did you know I wasn't even included in the teacher group photo they had this week?

#SaveOurToya

This Needs to Stop

RANT TIME.

Cuz what the fuck is this?!

I got so angry about this dumb situation that I had to call my mom to calm down.

Last week, I was told that I had no classes to teach on Monday. None. Nada. Nix. Zero.

So, like the sensible person I was, I went ahead and got started for my monster of a class load on Tuesday. I have 7 classes on Tuesdays. If I can take more time for lesson planning, that's fantastic!

-Monday-

Now...can someone please tell me why I was told this morning why I was told I was teaching forty minutes before the lesson. Oh, and it's only for 20 minutes.

Of course, I can totally throw something together for this, but here's the thing...

I didn't wanna.

Last week, something similar happened. I was told ten minutes into a lesson that the class was back on my schedule at it's normal time and not the time it was adjusted to for a field trip. Because the students took the trip earlier in the week.

Not that I was told.

Nope.

That time, I had a lesson prepped, as the class time was just moved to later in the day.

But this time. I had no lesson.

My brilliant students finished their textbook last week and are technically done with 6th grade English class.

Okay, so there I was, being told I have to teach a 20 minutes lesson and had 40 minutes to prep. I came up with something, and it required minimal teacher input. It was very student-centered in that they were leading the class and my job would only require to ask leading questions to guide the conversation.

Now, before I continue, I would like to say that my nerves were already testy. I only had 3 hours of sleep last night. And anyone who suffers from sleep deprivation knows how delicate your grasp on your emotions can be. If you're not god awful tired and at the point of giving 'no fucks', you're balancing on a delicate ledge that a puff of breath can and will push you off.

This impromptu change in my schedule had me struggling to find my balance, but in the end I found it.

I walk up to the classroom I'd be teaching in (science room), and guess...fucking...what....

No one...

...showed up...

...at fucking all. 

I had to message friends asking if my irritation was justified and it wasn't the sleep deprivation talking.

I had to call my mother to get myself back into a 'social' function that wouldn't have me snapping anyone's head off.

Last year, I didn't get to feel the 'Christmas spirit' because of nonsense like this. Now, with a year and a half under my belt, I'm not letting this shit break me.

It won't.

It...can't.

If it does, I don't think I'll be able to make it until July.

#SaveOurToya

Nice, really nice...

With emotions rubbed tender, the air quality reaching unhealthy levels, and soon to be thrown under the bus (not really, I just wasn't expecting it) by my classmates, I found myself apathetically taking my Korean Exam last night.

The exam could've been much harder, and I am thankful that it wasn't. By the end of it, I finished my final semester off with a 98% on my exam, a certificate of completion, and (to my utter surprise) an award of excellence (모범상). Unlike the Korean class during my Orientation period, I did much better.

So much better.

And I also got a cute present with my 모범상. A reusable cup that also works as a cellphone stand and two chocolate lollipops.

When I got home last night, it seemed as many of my worries from the day were gone.

It was nice.

Really nice. :)

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For about an hour.

Then I found myself unable to fall asleep for reasons unknown. -__-

#SaveOurToya