Be You, No Matter What

When coming into a new work environment, there's a lot of things you need to adjust for. New work load, new coworkers, new desk, new routines...new, new, new.

Some things are easy to adjust for, others are a little more challenging. However, in the end, depending on how you handle each new thing, is what decides how the new job will be moving forward.

Now, that being said...I'm finding myself at a loss.

What do you do when no one responds to your 'good morning's or 'hello's at the start of your work day?

I never thought such a thing would bother me, but here I am fretting. And not in a, 'do they not like me?' way, but a 'hello...can you be any ruder?' way.

Am I crazy for thinking this? - I hope not. Because I'm not stopping.

I even called someone out when they walked into the office I share with my two other team members and only spoke to the person they came to see. Yeah, that's not going to fly. If you walk into our office, I'm going to expect greetings for all of us. I'm not starting any of this clique-y BS that started in school and filters up into the workforce because people can't leave their childishness in the past.

That toxicity is not needed nor wanted.

I may be one of the youngest, but I'm not letting anyone disrespect me or themselves.

#SaveOurToya

How's Iowa?

What I see when I'm walking into work

It's good. I've been here for three weeks and I haven't had much room to complain. Except for the cold. I'm not sure how I'm gonna do come winter time, but that's for future!Toya to figure out. Right now, I'm enjoying the first touches of spring hitting the area. I can't wait to see life take a new breath this year.

Yesterday alone I saw downtown come to life as people were out and about, seeing the area, enjoying good food, and even going on bike rides. Seeing the happy cyclists is urging me to buy my own bike!

In fact, I have so many plans going in and out of my head that I've begun to overwhelm myself with everything that I want to do and feel frustrated that I can't do it. The impatience I feel right now...I can't recall a time it's ever been this bad.

My home~

This new life I'm leading is nothing like the other times I've had to start over somewhere new. Thanks to my parents, I'm no stranger to it. I've lived on three different continents in four different countries in my 26 years, but I've moved a lot more than that. I'd have to say that I've moved about 10 times, but this latest move has me in a jumble of wants and needs.

But my training at work leaves me exhausted and unwilling.

And there had been the jetlag....

And the no furniture for two weeks....

And my parents visiting....

And the whole 'moving so you're gonna spend a lot of money and should be aware of how LITTLE you have for play time'...

I suppose I should be thankful that my training is telling me to 'calm down'. It has allowed me to get all of the necessary adulting in order. Like my license plate, driver's license, my bills (so pricey!), and establishing my work schedule.

My first view of Iowa

Getting my routine down has helped settle me into my new place better than anything else. It's allowed me to ignore the ache in my heart up until very recently.

In the last 48-ish hours, I've come to the jarring realization that I left a piece of myself in Korea. The part of me that felt like I came home to a place I never knew was...well, home. During my time in Korea, I never felt the culture shock we were told to keep an eye out for. I felt at home almost immediately.

And at that time, I barely knew a thing about Korea except my favorite kdrama and singers.

It's no surprise that after living there for a year and a half that a piece of myself stayed behind.

But you know what else? This isn't the first time I felt like a piece of myself was left behind in a far away land. The first time was when I left Germany, and every time after.

Maybe that's why I cling so tightly to my German heritage when I'm in America. Why I refused to lose my German even a little bit. It's been a long time since I lived in Germany, with only a couple visits back, but it's easier on me to be away. Those departures came knowingly, not abruptly like it did for me to move here.

I found out I was leaving Korea a week before it happened. I didn't have time to prepare myself or even acknowledge that I left. This disconnect is a lot more sensitive...raw.

That being said, I am still looking forward to this new journey.

#SaveOurToya

Teacher No Mo'

That's right.

I'm not a teacher anymore.

I'm finally going to start my dream as a federal employee! Yeah, you read that right.

I got a federal job~!

Starting February 18th, 2020...I will be a HR Specialist.

When I graduated high school, the goal was to be a French/German/English translator. The me of then had no idea that not only would my language goals change, but that I would be a teacher.

I don't think I ever thought I would be a teacher.

And yet, here I am.

Well...was.

After I finished my last class, I felt...relieved. Teaching takes a lot of time and effort that you notice...and don't notice. And now, it's finally done.

I think it helps that my next adventure is actually in the realm of what I have actual work experience in. The same work experience that had me pursue the Master's that I did. It's a good feeling that I have.

I'm happy.

Just a few more days now...

#SaveOurToya

Last Day

Today is my official last day of teaching at my elementary school.

Not much is going through my head. Maybe because I still have two more classes left to teacher and it's only 8:30 in the morning. My last two classes are my grade 3s and 4s. While I'm not as connected to them as I am my Grade 6s and 5s, the bond is still thriving just the same.

My Grade 3 class were my first proper class. I got to start their English journey with them. Some days, I don't feel much like a teacher, but I know that with this class...I got them from getting their barely known alphabet to making sentences. I am so proud of how far they've come. While I am sad that I won't be such an intricate part of their journey anymore, I hope they continue their progress!

My Grade 4s....oh boy. It's been a battle since the very first lesson. There has been every nightmare a parent has experienced from their children's Terrible Twos outside of hospital visits. Would I go through it all again? Yeah, I would. Despite the wild emotions, we also had fun! This class took me a lot longer to understand and how to teach, but because of our hardships, the three of us have a solid bond. Even if they picked up my sassiness and use it against me. (Rude.)

I've also seen such growth in my Grade 4s that I get blown away every time in class. And today...today is my last day teaching them.

Now, as I mentioned...I only have two classes to teach. Which means I already finished teaching my 5th and 6th graders. Now these two classes are completely different from each other. My grade 5s...wild. I have no other word for them. My Grade 4s were emotionally wild, this class...they were just everything wild. The question you should ask yourself when it comes to this class: what didn't happen?

I'm not kidding. There was a time I would dread teaching this class. But yesterday, when I walked into their classroom for the last time, I found myself not wanting the lesson to end. I bonded with every single one of them whether it was through English or my (still) boss skills on the soccer pitch.

I remember the lesson that I shared with the VP for our first class together. They told me they knew 53 words. Spelling...not so much. But if they saw the picture, they knew the word. There were no full thoughts in English or even telling me how they were.

Not only can they now tell you how they're feeling, the weather, and what they do on the weekends...they can argue for more playtime.

Of course...that's nothing like my 6th graders who negotiated for American candy that I couldn't buy in Korea.

I was offended and proud at the same damn time. They may not have had all the finer details (a, the, tenses), but I swear. If those kids don't end up in law, the world is missing out on some fantastic negotiators. Korean or English.

I would have to say my Grade 6s were the easiest to get along with and the easiest to teach. They soaked it up and were quick to use what they learned. Be it for the lesson or against me.

I tried teaching them out of the textbook, but that was nothing when we stepped away from the textbook and I showed them a different way. They picked it up much quicker, and I feel confident they will succeed in Middle School and not be left behind.

Which is a common concern when it comes to students who learn rural before heading into the city for middle school.

Wow...I guess a lot is going through my head.

These next two hours, as of course my last two classes are back to back, may go fast or they may go slow.

Either way...they're ending on high note.

#SaveOurToya

Be Fearless

I've gone back and forth on how to announce this. Should I just tell people as it pops up in conversation? Should I make a post on Facebook and call it a day. Should I only tell..etc.

Silly me.

I forgot I had a blog.

How did I forget? Well...I've been really busy that it slipped my mind.

It happens, okay?

I'd like to see anyone turn their life on its head and try to remember to keep everything straight.

That being said...

I am officially announcing that I have accepted a position stateside and that my time in Korea will come to an end on Feb 15th, 2020.

Below are some Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ) that have been thrown my way recently:

What does this mean? You, leaving?
It means I have one week to finish out the school year (which ends Feb 14), inform my school, pack up my apartment into 2 checked bags (50lbs ea.), say goodbye to friends, find an apartment, go through reverse culture shock, make an extra effort in my Korean studies, and who knows what else.

Through this process, as I have 5 days left until I leave, I've begun to see the realness in some people. For some it's not pretty, and for others, it's a warm feeling. Either way, it's a bitter-sweetness.

Why are you accepting the position?
Because the position I was offered is my dream position.

Where are you moving to? Back to Florida?
Haha, no. Florida and I have decided to see other people, but it was a mutual break up. I am moving to Iowa. I hear they have snow there these days?

What will you be doing?
Stuff.

What does your family think of you doing this?
They're happy for me. As in, very happy.

How does your school feel?
As in all of them? I don't know. I informed my VP this past Friday and she was very happy for me. My coteacher found out later that same day. (For anyone who is thinking of breaking contract, unless the relationship you established between your VP and coteacher is a dynamic where you go to the VP first, please don't do this. You will undermine your coteacher and it may cause you more stress as you prepare to go home.)

My coteacher is happy for me as well, but she has also told me that my departure saddens her. Besides my VP, she and her husband were the first people I met from my school/town. And it is sad to think that I won't see them anymore.

As for my students and the rest of the school staff. I'm not sure when they'll find out...but this last week promises to be an emotional one either way.

Did the racism at your school drive you to leave?
No, but it did help in saying 'yes' to the offer.

When did you start job searching?
In an effort to get started in finding a job for my return in July, I had started job searching at the end of November/beginning of December. The position I wanted is limited and doesn't stay posted for long. I wanted to have my best shot at hopefully obtaining at least a couple of interviews during my second semester.

Surprise of all surprises, I was called for an interview in late December. I was doubtful that I would get the position. After all...It's been a while since I did the whole interview song and dance. Plus, it was a phone interview from Korea. I was 3 hours passed my bed time before I was done. Sleepy interviews and out of practice aside, I must've done something right to look favorable to this office.

Are you excited?
Very much so! But I'm still in a bit of shock that it's happening.

What are you going to do in Iowa?
Figure that out in Iowa, BUT my parents, brother, and some friends have already informed me of what I can do.

I'm pretty sure they're all more excited than I am....

What about Korea?
When I said it was a hard decision to make the other day, I wasn't kidding. Korea was another dream of mine. But in the limited time that I had in making my decision, I realized my time in Korea has more or less come to an end. I was falling back into a pattern of suffering in certain areas of my time here. I was hiding my hurts behind the good and enough was enough.

It would be better if I left Korea with a fond memory and not a struggling one. Which was a fear I had.

Did you tell your school you were facing racism?
I did not.

And here's why. It was easier to go through the day without acknowledging it, then to bring it up. There's a delicate balance here that one constantly fights to keep. When it comes to English, I am considered an expert. But when it comes to social aspects, I'm simply the foreigner and just don't understand how Korean culture works.

I'll tell you this. If it's one thing a Korean national who LOOKS Korean will never understand it's what it is like as a foreigner within their own culture. Like I said...it's a delicate balance and this one person isn't worth the trouble.

Will you miss it?
Of course.

Will you go back?
Yes. I hope to come back in 2025 for vacation. 😎😆

What will happen to your blog?
Nothing??? Just because I leave Korea, doesn't mean my story ends. Sure...this blog was started in the spirit of recording my time here, but it's become much more since then. It's become a place where I am honest with myself and my experiences. My e-diary that I don't mind sharing.

How's your packing?

#SaveOurToya

Heartbreak to Courage

I just read on Facebook that 'heartbreak taught me courage'. And wow...that couldn't be more true in my current situation.

Remember my previous post? (Big Decisions are BIG)

I spoke about having to make a difficult decision within 24 hours.

Well, it broke my heart, but I made it.

I made it and I tried to find ways to ease the pain, but none of my efforts worked. 

At three in the morning with only two hours of sleep, I was in a back and forth email conversation. I tried to finesse something.

None of it worked.

No amount of finessing was working.

While my heart broke, it also felt like it was lighter. Because from that heartbreak...I found the dream I've been seeking since I was 19.

It's finally here and I would be a fool to say 'no' even if it means saying goodbye to what I know.

But that's okay.

I'm ready for this step.

I'm here for it.

#SaveOurToya

Big Decision are BIG

I'm about to make one of the biggest decisions I've ever had to make.

This morning, I saw an email in my inbox that told me I had 24 hours to make a decision. Not a lot of time, and I doubt I'll have some saving grace like they do in the movies.

Yesterday, I was ecstatic.

Today, I'm troubled.

Or...at least I was.

I hope no one at work can tell that I was crying this morning.

I really, really hate decisions like this. You know, between the rock and the hard place...it's not a fun place to be.

But it's the place that I'm in and it's a harsh reality that took me blind this morning. I didn't know which was up and down. My head was saying one thing and my heart was tugged between two other things, not even in the mood to listen to my head. And the whole time, the rest of my body went through it's morning routine.

Get up.
Get dressed.
Morning walk.
Get ready for work.
Eat breakfast

After I finished eating, I recognized I was about to fall into a panic attack. I found it in myself to reach out to my friends first.

My first phone call helped calm me down.

After that, my dad called. (At some point, I had informed my family.)

And during that phone call...I began to cry. I couldn't hold it back. My body was reaching critical levels and was already beginning to shut down. It was not having this.

Yet...my dad was able to get me thinking straight again. His calmness and perspective restarted my systems or rebooted them. Whatever you wanna call it, I was no longer crying over my phone curled up on the floor of my kitchen.

We made an outline of what needs to be done.

A game plan.

Even though I still feel raw and not 100%, I know the decision I'm going to make.

Unfortunately...that decision will leave me in tears as well.

#SaveOurToya

Good Days DO Exist

Because not all days are shit days or 'wtf' situations, this post is proof that I also have good days.

And today...is a really good day.

It's finally hitting me that I've lost over 50lbs since my heaviest weight.

That's right!

FIFTY.

This hasn't been the easiest of accomplishments, but it is the most disbelieving ones I've made. It even outranks that I got a Fulbright to Korea. My weight-loss journey has been a cacophony of ups and downs and corkscrew turns. It comes as no surprise that it's taken me a week to believe the numbers I see on my scale.

I still hope to see more pounds shed as time goes by as I strive to reach my goal weight. I have another 42lbs to go, and they will go.

I've made that promise to myself.

No matter where life takes me this year, I will finally be at my goal weight come summer time. I have and will continue to overcome my bad eating habits and lazy decision making.  I will get myself out of my apartment for my morning walks. I won't let myself down.

Because 50lbs lighter has me feeling good.

Real good.

#SaveOurToya

Feb 2019 Thoughts (See how far I've come in a year)
1) Starring Toya
2) 영어선생님이에요
3) To My Precious Sixth Graders
4) Saturdays

Facebook Official

Did you know I was dating someone?

I sure as hell didn't.

Today at lunch I was asked if I had a boyfriend.

"No...why?"

"Really? Not even in America?"

"...no...?"

At this point, I was starting to second guess myself a little. Just a smidgen.

Like, did this person know something about my relationship status that I was not aware of? Am I about to discover that I have a creepy stalker person or something? Am I dating someone?

"Why do you ask?" I prodded for more information, putting my spoon down.

"Oh well...you've been wearing more makeup and dressing really nicely these days. I thought you had a boyfriend."

Pause.

What?

I have to have a boyfriend significant other to put more effort into my looks?

That...That's trash.

If I'm putting more effort into my looks it's because I'm doing it for myself and no one else. And surprise, surprise...I have more time in the mornings to get ready. In fact, I have about an actual hour of additional time for me to get ready instead of the rushed 10 minutes I used to have.

So, yeah. There's gonna be some eye-shadow and less dark circles (cuz I'm getting more sleep) when you look at my face. Glossy lips and a sweet smile. All because I'm taking care of myself!

Moral of the story here: I'm single and looking damn fine.

#SaveOurToya

*deep breath*

Y'all...I almost threw hands at work.

That is how angry I was. 

In an effort to stop myself from spitting venom and throwing hands, I had to mentally pull myself away from a burning rage.

Not even a full day back from vacation and the bullshit was back. I had hoped and truly believed that the time I took back at home had refueled my patience after a ROUGH semester.

Apparently, I was wrong.

As you know, last semester wasn't just rough. It really pushed me to my limits. There were times I felt raw and exposed, seconds away from sobbing at my desk. The disgusting sludge that came with racism, the helplessness as an unwanted bystander, and the irritation that comes with ghosting all played their roles in breaking me down. 

In all honesty, there were times I contemplated breaking my contract and going back home while wiping away my tears and figuring out how to deal with my frustrations. 

My vacation home was as much to see my parents as it was to take a break from all of this. I wanted to put myself back into a positive mental space and prove to myself that these next six months were going to be my best months in Korea.

Little did I know that day 1 of being back at work, I barely stopped myself from snapping.

And not just verbally. 

--*--*--

Okay...so here's what happened.

I'm talking to my co-teacher about next semester. My schedule was changing a little bit and I was expressing my concern about (yet again) putting such vastly different English levels in the same classroom. Will things change? Probably not. But I tried.

Our conversation then switched to another topic. Now...my co-teacher's English isn't the best. She's, in fact, the science teacher. Typically, your co-teacher would be the Korean English teacher; however, my small school only has me as an English teacher. I've adjusted and have become quite adept in understanding low-level English. 

My co-teacher was struggling to explain a legal change that is happening in my province and was lacking the sufficient vocabulary to get her point across. However, we were getting through it. 

But...it was during this conversation that a certain somebody decided to be rude as fuck. This same individual who I know is racist and I've done my best to ignore their presence, needed my co-teacher's attention. 

Since I face the staff room doors, I noticed when they walked in, calling for my co-teacher. Her head was down, focused on her phone. As my co-teacher decided to keep talking to me, I focused back on our conversation. 

Had that been it, I would've forgotten the whole situation.

But that wasn't it.

No.

This same somebody called for my co-teacher again, well aware the two of us were having a conversation. 

My co-teacher still kept speaking to me. At this point, I'm actually irritated. Do they not see my co-teacher is talking to me? Do they not see that it's not an easy conversation we're having? 

Do. They. Not. See?

Had that been it, I would've forgotten the whole situation after the weekend.

But that wasn't it.

No.

This same somebody continued to call for my co-teacher, walked over to us and started tapping her fingers on the desk cubicle. 

If I had looked away from my co-teacher, I don't know what would have happened, but I'm pretty sure whatever image my school has of me as 'Toya teacher' was going to be shattered.

Black women in America know what happens when we show our anger at work. We get labelled as 'aggressive', 'illogical', 'ignorant', 'hostile', etc. Never are we 'justified' or 'in the right'. Nope. We have to learn to keep our anger leashed if we want to be taken seriously.

If I had looked away from my co-teacher, it would've started with a 'do you fucking mind?' to...

It is now the following Monday. 

I took the weekend to calm down. There were some flare ups, but I've processed it.

I don't know what I'll do when the BS happens again, but there is one thing that I do know after everything that has happened.

As of today, I only have 23 weekends left of my contract and I don't need this mess to hold me down. 

Let's see what havoc I can unleash between now and my goodbyes.

#SaveOurToya