A Fresh New Look

As promised to a friend, I have changed my background picture. It is no longer myself eating "bistopping" icecream, but a lovely summer picture of N Tower on Namsan in Seoul.

Yes, despite the leaves looking like it's Autumn, I took that picture in early August. The middle of summer.

Hope you enjoy the new look the Save Our Toya blog is experiencing~! 

#SaveOurToya

Wait...I'm 26?

In Korea, your age is a little different than what you're used to when you come from a Western country. To put it simply, when you are born, you don't start with 'so and so months old', you are officially 1-year-old. My understanding of that reasoning is that the months spent in your mother's belly....well, they count too.

Now, I'm not going on to the topic of 'pro-life vs pro-choice', I am simply stating a fact on how your age is determined in Korea.

Therefore, as a person born in the lovely year of 1993 as I am, I am 27 years old in Korea.

And as my birthday was today (Sept 4th), I am 26 years old in the States.

However, as I live in Korea I give out my Korean age.

Talk about a shock to my system when someone told me 'happy 26th birthday' this morning. Well, that was after I read about someone else telling me to wish my dad a happy birthday first.

Now, to put that into context, let me explain. My dad and I don't share a birthday. His is the day before mine. We've never had an issue in all the 27...26 years I'd been alive.

Until now.

I wasn't pissed off or told the person off. I simply took a screenshot and sent it in the family group chat. And then...maybe I was a little petty. I redacted the person's name and photo on the screen, added the something along the lines of 'nothing like getting told to wish someone else happy birthday on your own birthday' and posted it to my Facebook stories. I didn't even care if that person saw it or not.

"But what about the time zones, Toya?"

What about them?

Personally, I find it a slap in the face when a person doesn't take the time to look into such matters. It's really not that difficult, ESPECIALLY with technology. I'm not asking for you to find the position of the sun and calculate the wind speed to find out the time difference (note: I have no clue how to ACTUALLY find out the time difference).

A simple 'hey google? What's the time difference between here and South Korea?" would suffice.

Hell, you could even message me and simply ask first, then write your message appropriately.

"Oh, I didn't realize it was your birthday afterwards!"

I'm not asking you, too. Though it may seem like it, I'm not. However, if you know my dad's, you should know mine. But on the off-chance you don't know my birthday, then I guess you should have my dad's number. Seeing as you can remember his birthday. Then you can call and message him directly. Or hell, message my mother...you know...his wife. Who is actually with him. Not the daughter who lives in South Korea.

Oh...is my pettiness showing?

You know what, no. This isn't pettiness. This is my irritation being vented out.

Fear not! My birthday wasn't all bad~!

My students made it memorable with their wild antics that were calmed down by their more shy classmates. I got a few presents and many well-wishes. I felt their love.

Truly.

After school, I had a goal of going to buy a blueberry cake. The bakery didn't have it, so I settled for a few baked goods that I brought home and enjoyed while watching my new Drama.

Despite how my morning started, my birthday ended pretty well!

#SaveOurToya

Year 2

A beautiful summer view of a Namsan trail

Clearly, it's been over a year since this blog's conception. During that time, I've had some wild and...not so wild adventures; many unforgettable memories to say the least.

Now, as some of you know, I've been a bit unsure of the SaveOurToya blog. My original vision just didn't seem like it would be a good fit anymore for year 2.

However, fret not!

My hot ride around Geochang

(That's right. I said, 'fret'.)

Year 2 won't be any less boring! In fact, it's going to be active.

So...so...active.

If you follow me on instagram (@SaveOurToya), you're well aware that I've started up running again.

A new fondness for archery
>__<!!!

And not just any ol'running. I'm training to run a 5k again. It's been over a year since my last 5k in June 2018, which hadn't focused on beating my PR. The run in June wasn't for breaking my record. It had been for a more personal matter. My best time had been earlier that year, where I'd almost run a complete 5k.

I remember feeling so proud of myself. Sure, I played soccer for roughly 8 years, but...I don't know. Being able to consistently run for that long of a distance without dying of suffocation was pretty fucking awesome for me. I was a lazy sports person back in my day.

I'm not even kidding. I could play a 90mins soccer game straight through, but tell me to go run a mile in gym and I hated everything.

I also remembered that on that day of my almost 100%-5k-run, I felt almost unstoppable in my journey to get fit.

And I want that feeling back.

So, here's to my new health goals!

Otter pond at 5:30am with mountains slowly peaking out
from the fog. 

1) Run a 5k in Korea. (If I can buy the damn ticket: Seoul Marvel Run 2019 this October.)
2) Lose 27kg/60lbs. (Already lost about 3kg/6lbs, but the first few are always the easiest to lose!)
3) Get 8 to 9 consistent hours of sleep. (I've struggled with this since high school, but I will win!)
4) Become part of the Geochang early af community. (I'm already greeted by some ahjummas with '굿모닝' and its the cutest thing.)

And my last goal...

Geochang at dusk

5) Officially drop 10 pants sizes from my biggest size in October 2017 (I've already dropped 6 since then, soooooo 4 more to go~!)

Just thinking about the journey I've started sometimes leaves me overwhelmed. I can best sum it up as: Toya = GAH!

Wish me luck, yall.

I'll need it.

#SaveOurToya

Where did it Go?

Where has the time gone?

One minute I was enjoying my time in Busan with friends and the next, I've started my second year in Korea with changes everywhere I look.

And with my second year, I've contemplated what I wanted to do with my blog. My original intention was to highlight my time in Fulbright/Korea, but now...I'm not sure what I want to post anymore. It's become a bit of a challenge.

I've contemplated a few things, like switching to a podcast or video format.

I guess this post is just a warning. A warning that I might be switching things up in the next few months.

Keep an eye out~!

#SaveOurToya

Goal Point~!

Just now...I finished Mango Languages' Basic Korean unit, and I can't even contain how I feel right now! I had to rush to SaveOurToya and talk about this!!!

I don't know about you, but when it comes to language studying, it's hard to stay committed. It is so easy to just....stop studying, because of xyz reason. It happens. Alot.

Without fail.

At least it did for me. (Still does, who am I kidding.)

Anyways. 

My goal when I came to Korea was to be at an intermediate level where I could have at least casual conversations with people.

And while what I do when I talk to be people isn't comfortable or even casual, I'm still having conversations! (I swear, this one taxi driver....every morning, he's trying to pull me into conversation about one thing or another.) However, I don't know if I could be considered at an 'intermediate level' right now. Perhaps a 'high beginner'?

That being said and having accomplished this one goal, one of many that I have for learning Korean...it is time that I switch my studying up again. (Can't stick to one resource, after all~!) Despite the exhaustion I have thinking about it, I am going to commit to taking Korean lessons at the YMCA in Daegu, once again, starting in September.

I look forward to seeing how my Korean will improve by the time Christmas comes around! Who knows, maybe I'll be able to write a post in Korean?

#SaveOurToya

To be Away from it All

How nice it must be to be oblivious.

...to be ignorant.

...to be young.

...to be naive.

I've watched as my students run around, smiles on their faces and mischief sparkling in their eyes. Demands for ice cream and "American" candy, or even that blessed "movie day".

I am so glad they are enjoying life

Meanwhile, as I'm asking them to quiet down and stop negotiating for "American candy that can't be bought in Korea, teacher, as that's cheating", I find myself hating that I'm an adult.

Especially when I wake up to headlines that read children are dying, women's rights have been rolled back by 50 years or that racist attacks have been renewed.

To know that they center around the U.S. President leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

Mostly, because I want to throw up.

The presidency is supposed to be the person who looks out for ALL of their constituents. Not just the one's that they like. To ensure the country's safety and to be the face of America to other countries around the world. The President is supposed to be fair and just as they execute and enforce laws. Afterall, it is their fellow American that they are looking out for.

The President should not lead with fear or hate.

And yet...each day I read another headline that leaves me disgusted with the current President.

When I was a child, I never thought during all those days I was sitting in my history classes, that I would have to fight for my rights. (Naivete) Can you believe that? Somehow, history was given to me in ways that made me, a bi-racial half-immigrant/half-American woman, think that I wouldn't have to fight for my rights?

Now, I know better. I know soooooo much better. Not a single one of my identities is safe.

Not.
A.
Single.
One.

But are we surprised that I ended up believing such imaginations? I was taught white winning American history. I was told:

'Yay, women got their right to vote!'
'Yay, blacks got their civil rights!'
'Yay, America has the dream, come live here!'

Yay. Yay. Yay.

You know what history classes aren't telling us?

That despite women getting their right to vote in 1920, that it took until the late 1970s for domestic violence laws to be looked at and seen to be lacking. It took for a wife to suffer through 12 years of brutal spousal violence to set her husband and his bed on fire for there to be change. For even a semblance of our safety to appear.

That despite blacks "getting" their civil rights, we're still seen as instant criminals, no good, something to be rid of. Do you know what it's like to be scared of the police? The police! The people we're told in Elementary Schools would protect us from the bad guys, that if you have a problem you can go to them? What they didn't mention was that we were the bad guys.

That despite America having this 'great' dream and anyone can make it here, being an immigrant means you're "one of them". Other. That you will never belong. That you're "taking" all of the jobs even though you can't get any because your qualifications don't work in America.

It doesn't even end here.

Let's be honest, there isn't even an end in sight!

Young, innocent, oblivious, ignorant me was able to have a nice childhood. Not having to worry about whether a neighbor would call 911 because she was walking in a nice neighborhood (where her parents live). Not having to worry about being underpaid or be seen as a 'mad black women' if showing anything but friendliness at work. Not having to worry about her American-ness being in question since she sounds American and doesn't have an accent.

Despite that time being 'easier', I'm much better off.

At least now, I know what I need to fight for, what I must defend, and what I want for a better future.

#SaveOurToya

GoodBye

Isn't saying goodbye one of the hardest things to get through?

All these feelings and memories popping up as you say goodbye not giving you a moments' peace.

Ugh.

It's getting harder and harder to write this post.

Apparently, I still haven't found my voice.

Now, this post isn't even a 'see you later' goodbye, but a 'I don't know when I'll ever see you again' goodbye. And I am literally the WORST at those kinds of goodbyes.

I never know what I'm supposed to say or do. I'm like that person who will go for the high five when you go for the fist-bump.

Oh dear god.

I'm that awkward parent trope that's trying to stay woke.

I know I act like a retired grandma who is 100% done with people's shit and wondering when I get my next nap, but really? Have I truly made it to the point that I can't do social interactions anymore?

**DEEP BREATH**

Okay. I can do this.

This post is about goodbyes.

This week, a majority of the Fulbright 2018-19 cohort are going home, saying goodbye to their time in Korea and hello to their next part in life. It's a kind of...bittersweet change. Though I wasn't very travel or social heavy like the rest of my cohort (retired grumpy grandma, remember?), it's still odd to think that after this week, they won't be in the country to reach out to. Those 79 people that survived an 8-week Orientation with, not crossing a river boundary, reluctantly obeying FEP dress regulation DESPITE the heat, battling for the washer and dryers, and enjoying soju outside the nearby 7/11s.

Mentioned in an earlier post, I described how I was at a loss of words during this transitioning time.

I'm still clearly affected, but...I can feel that I'm also just so much closer to my voice for the coming year.

On August 19th, 2018, I wrote about 79 goodbyes and 80 hellos. I wished my cohort all the best during their time in Korea. Now, as it closes out for most of them, I wish to extend similar well -wishes to them as they move to their next journey.

To those who are renewing a second year like I am, may this second year be just as fantastic (if not more) than our first year!

And to the new first years...may you forge new memories that you may never forget!

#SaveOurToya

Never Ending Semester

You ever get to the point where you would stare into a coat closet for a good long moment, wondering why you couldn't find your mug?

No?

Well dang.

Guess it's just me.

Now, I suppose saying I'm tired is a bit of an understatement, no?

And look, I've checked my sleeping patterns (technology is cool like that) and it's not that I'm tired.

So, what is it?

Well...can someone explain to me how it is almost July and I'm still teaching? How am I not on summer break? How did I fall into this situation where I will still be teaching all the way up to August?

Y'all. I'm not tired. I'm exhausted, in that way that I need a vacation to recharge and not a good night's rest.

Not too sure how I'm still functioning right now.

No, wait....

Am I even "functioning"?

Coat closets don't hold mugs.

Working through this exhaustion has been a noticeable challenge. I'm putting it up there with the senioritis I was internally crying through during Grad School. But like the last two years, I wouldn't give it up. There's been some good moments this last month that I wouldn't give up either.

Fresh veggies from the school farm.

Homemade yogurt.

Laughing like no ones watching.

New friends.

Makes me wonder where I'll be this time next year. Will I be looking in the copier for my mug or will I grab it from its actual location that its always in?

This semester may be never ending in an almost painful way, but its also been a time for me to enjoy the small moments that I used to let pass me by. In 3 days, June will be over and it will officially be July. My second year in Korea will officially start as the clock starts ticking down to the finish line.

As I said in a Facebook post, I hope to keep this blog going and talk more about my adventures and the awesome people that I have met and will meet.

Just gotta get through another month of teaching before I can be on vacation!

Oh, and before I forget.

My mug was on my desk...

#SaveOurToya

Pulse

What does a person say when struck with the inability to form words?

It's hard.

Hell, it feels downright impossible right now.

It feels like there's something lodged in the back of my throat, blocking anything and everything.

Words.

Thoughts.

Air.

In the past, I would go to vigils where those hurt the most found the strength to speak about their pain and their memories of the ones we lost. 49 beautiful souls gone, and yet through our collective hurt, there were those who could speak. They found their words.

Seeing their strength and hearing their words helped me find my own. Though I never spoke them out loud, I was able to find solace internally.

I was able to release what troubled me.

I was able to make it through the day.

Or so I thought.

There's no vigil for me to go to this time.

There's no one to speak and help me find the words that I lack.

There's no release.

There's no strength.

I may be dressed in pride colors today, a shirt that says "Love Wins", but what can I do on this day to reflect and find inner peace? Here, it is not the anniversary, but just another work day.

So far, I have only gone through the motions leading up to today.

Wake up. Get ready. Go to work. Teach. Go home. Gym. Bed.

There's no vigil.

No memorial.

No one here that I can walk into their office, close their door, and cry in front of.

No hugs to help keep it together when I can't find the strength to do it myself.

But, here we are.

Here I am.

June 12th, 2019.

On this day, three years ago, a 29-year-old American security guard, killed 49 people and wounded 53 others in a mass shooting inside Pulse, a gay nightclub in Orlando, Florida. This attack, this act of terror, is the deadliest act of violence in the LGBT+ community has seen today.

In return, we responded with words of love. The speed that various entities responded with in the face of this terror was relieving. I saw hope that people still cared. That despite the hate that others use as their motivating drive, there are even more who won't let them win.

Practically overnight, I saw a change take over Orlando. And it's not with the sudden pride colors popping up everywhere or the various murals that leave you breathless.

It was in the people and what they were saying.

We are Orlando. We are United. We are Love.

We will not let hate win.

I may be half way around the world, struggling to find my words as I work through my emotions, but I know one thing that I won't do.

I won't forget. I will remember. I am Orlando Strong.

And I won't stop dancing.

Changes Are Coming

It's been about two months since my anxiety attack over trash. Lots of things have happened since then.

I've been to Jeju for the Fulbright Spring Conference, Sports Day at my school, various Korean holidays, and even, my parents came to visit me.

Each moment has something that I could talk about, but for some reason, I found myself struggling to talk about it. At first, I wasn't sure what's been going on, but my words were lacking.

Which is odd.

In Jeju, I was able to hear the ocean every night as I fell asleep.

At Sports Day, I got many awesome pictures of my students being...well, awesome.

During the Korean holidays, I was able to recharge a bit and hang with friends.

With my parents, I've noticed how much I've changed since I left Florida.

These are all good things with stories tied to them!

And yet...I'm left speechless in the worst of ways.

In roughly one month, my first year in Korea will be finished and I think...that's what's stopping me.

In one month, despite the fact that I'm not leaving, I am still saying goodbye to those who are. With each of them goes a part of Korea that has made my time here so memorable. I've already begun to notice it with others who've left that aren't Fulbrighters.

Things are shifting and changing as the circumstances are.

It makes sense, though.

It does.

And I supposed I could say I'm making peace with it.

Now that I'm being honest with myself, I can see the sadness that's holding my voice back.

Changes are coming and I need to find my new voice for the year.

#SaveOurToya