Isn't saying goodbye one of the hardest things to get through?
All these feelings and memories popping up as you say goodbye not giving you a moments' peace.
Ugh.
It's getting harder and harder to write this post.
Apparently, I still haven't found my voice.
Now, this post isn't even a 'see you later' goodbye, but a 'I don't know when I'll ever see you again' goodbye. And I am literally the WORST at those kinds of goodbyes.
I never know what I'm supposed to say or do. I'm like that person who will go for the high five when you go for the fist-bump.
Oh dear god.
I'm that awkward parent trope that's trying to stay woke.
I know I act like a retired grandma who is 100% done with people's shit and wondering when I get my next nap, but really? Have I truly made it to the point that I can't do social interactions anymore?
**DEEP BREATH**
Okay. I can do this.
This post is about goodbyes.
This week, a majority of the Fulbright 2018-19 cohort are going home, saying goodbye to their time in Korea and hello to their next part in life. It's a kind of...bittersweet change. Though I wasn't very travel or social heavy like the rest of my cohort (retired grumpy grandma, remember?), it's still odd to think that after this week, they won't be in the country to reach out to. Those 79 people that survived an 8-week Orientation with, not crossing a river boundary, reluctantly obeying FEP dress regulation DESPITE the heat, battling for the washer and dryers, and enjoying soju outside the nearby 7/11s.
Mentioned in an earlier post, I described how I was at a loss of words during this transitioning time.
I'm still clearly affected, but...I can feel that I'm also just so much closer to my voice for the coming year.
On August 19th, 2018, I wrote about 79 goodbyes and 80 hellos. I wished my cohort all the best during their time in Korea. Now, as it closes out for most of them, I wish to extend similar well -wishes to them as they move to their next journey.
To those who are renewing a second year like I am, may this second year be just as fantastic (if not more) than our first year!
And to the new first years...may you forge new memories that you may never forget!
#SaveOurToya
Showing posts with label Fulbright Taiwan. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Fulbright Taiwan. Show all posts
15 July, 2019
28 May, 2019
Changes Are Coming
I've been to Jeju for the Fulbright Spring Conference, Sports Day at my school, various Korean holidays, and even, my parents came to visit me.
Each moment has something that I could talk about, but for some reason, I found myself struggling to talk about it. At first, I wasn't sure what's been going on, but my words were lacking.
Which is odd.
In Jeju, I was able to hear the ocean every night as I fell asleep.
At Sports Day, I got many awesome pictures of my students being...well, awesome.
During the Korean holidays, I was able to recharge a bit and hang with friends.
With my parents, I've noticed how much I've changed since I left Florida.
These are all good things with stories tied to them!
And yet...I'm left speechless in the worst of ways.
In roughly one month, my first year in Korea will be finished and I think...that's what's stopping me.
In one month, despite the fact that I'm not leaving, I am still saying goodbye to those who are. With each of them goes a part of Korea that has made my time here so memorable. I've already begun to notice it with others who've left that aren't Fulbrighters.Things are shifting and changing as the circumstances are.
It makes sense, though.
It does.
And I supposed I could say I'm making peace with it.
Now that I'm being honest with myself, I can see the sadness that's holding my voice back.
Changes are coming and I need to find my new voice for the year.
#SaveOurToya
08 March, 2019
It Goes With Saying
During a discussion about what to get for my school while on a business trip to Taiwan, I accidentally read my friend's message wrong.
What the message said: Yeah, that should be enough.
What I read: You should be enough.
For a hot minute I felt a profound sense of happiness overcome me to the point I almost started blushing in happiness. However, my brain quickly corrected that interpretation.
Silly me, for reading that wrong.
When I told my friend what happened, they told me 'that goes without saying'.
Between calculating how much money I would need to exchange and whether I was an idiot for leaving my American credit card at home, I began to think if phrases like 'you should be enough' truly do go without saying? Could it be that this unspoken norm has damaged society over the years?
Has it damaged me?
I mean, let's think about it.
In its most simplest form, hearing good things about you isn't a bad thing. I would say it's a good thing. For a few seconds there, I felt good about myself. But then, that part of me that doesn't believe in myself, automatically reread my friend's statement and I realized I read wrong. I wasn't being complimented. The amount of money I wanted to exchange was being complimented.
-sigh-
I don't want to weigh my self-worth on the amount of compliments I've received, because it isn't about what other's see in me. It's about what I see in me, but when I'm not sure what it is I should be seeing, a second opinion never hurts.
Until it does.
Being in Korea, I've had my weight made fun of. My skin color has been labelled as dirty. My hair characterized as wild.
The only compliments I've received were in the area of my acne clearing up and my voice sounding like a movie star.
Whereas in the states, I was praised on my work ethic and ability to be empathetic. It's no surprise that I consider these two qualities as my strongest? In fact, I went and got a Master's Degree where I could combine them as a career option for myself.
My quick thinking and adaptability made me competent on the soccer field. My coach and other teammates told me that they liked how I played. After nine years, I'm not the last pick when I play a soccer pick-up game. In fact, my mother told me that had I had the heart in the sport, I probably would be on a professional team. And if I was on a professional team, you know damn well that I would go for a national team.
Just saying.
Would I have gone down a different path had I been complimented in other areas? If my passion would've been stoked more toward soccer or if I had been told my math skills were fantastic as well, instead of teaching English, I could be a professional soccer player who does research within the areas of sociological diligence.
Unfortunately, the past cannot be changed.
What I do have control over is my present and my future.
I have begun complimenting myself when I come across situations that make me uneasy or my anxiety holds me hostage. And good lord are those compliments hard to say, but that's when I need to hear them the most.
I can't rely on someone else to praise me. I need to believe more in myself anyway.
Remember when I mentioned I was going to Taiwan for a workshop? Here are some truths that I've been trying to overcome these last two months in preparation for Taiwan.
1. Many times I wanted to decline going. I do not think I will make a good impression due to all my nerves. I'm making things burdensome for my school.
2. Many times I felt financially unbalanced. In my goal to save money this year, I've been hit with a few purchases in the last month that has left me not meeting my target goals. And while I'm not paying for a majority of this trip, I still worry that I'll spend more money than I need too.
3. Many times I had to remind myself to be social while in Taiwan. I wouldn't say that I am at hermit levels of being social, I still tend to shy away from large crowds or being social at a normal level. I've been working hard on this, but I still have my backslides. I didn't want one to happen while in Taiwan.
4. Many times I needed to tell myself that I earned this opportunity. And while I'm not sure what part of my Fulbright profile made me qualify for this opportunity, something stood out to the Commission. I just only wish I knew what it was.
It was during these many times that I would tell myself a compliment.
1. I am smart.
2. I am strong.
3. I am amazing.
4. I am worthy.
Each time, it got easier to get through the negative. My voice got firmer.
It goes without saying?
No. It goes with saying.
#SaveOurToya
What the message said: Yeah, that should be enough.
What I read: You should be enough.
For a hot minute I felt a profound sense of happiness overcome me to the point I almost started blushing in happiness. However, my brain quickly corrected that interpretation.
Silly me, for reading that wrong.
When I told my friend what happened, they told me 'that goes without saying'.
Between calculating how much money I would need to exchange and whether I was an idiot for leaving my American credit card at home, I began to think if phrases like 'you should be enough' truly do go without saying? Could it be that this unspoken norm has damaged society over the years?
Has it damaged me?
I mean, let's think about it.
In its most simplest form, hearing good things about you isn't a bad thing. I would say it's a good thing. For a few seconds there, I felt good about myself. But then, that part of me that doesn't believe in myself, automatically reread my friend's statement and I realized I read wrong. I wasn't being complimented. The amount of money I wanted to exchange was being complimented.
-sigh-
I don't want to weigh my self-worth on the amount of compliments I've received, because it isn't about what other's see in me. It's about what I see in me, but when I'm not sure what it is I should be seeing, a second opinion never hurts.
Until it does.
Being in Korea, I've had my weight made fun of. My skin color has been labelled as dirty. My hair characterized as wild.
The only compliments I've received were in the area of my acne clearing up and my voice sounding like a movie star.
Whereas in the states, I was praised on my work ethic and ability to be empathetic. It's no surprise that I consider these two qualities as my strongest? In fact, I went and got a Master's Degree where I could combine them as a career option for myself.
My quick thinking and adaptability made me competent on the soccer field. My coach and other teammates told me that they liked how I played. After nine years, I'm not the last pick when I play a soccer pick-up game. In fact, my mother told me that had I had the heart in the sport, I probably would be on a professional team. And if I was on a professional team, you know damn well that I would go for a national team.
Just saying.
Would I have gone down a different path had I been complimented in other areas? If my passion would've been stoked more toward soccer or if I had been told my math skills were fantastic as well, instead of teaching English, I could be a professional soccer player who does research within the areas of sociological diligence.
Unfortunately, the past cannot be changed.
What I do have control over is my present and my future.
I have begun complimenting myself when I come across situations that make me uneasy or my anxiety holds me hostage. And good lord are those compliments hard to say, but that's when I need to hear them the most.
I can't rely on someone else to praise me. I need to believe more in myself anyway.
Remember when I mentioned I was going to Taiwan for a workshop? Here are some truths that I've been trying to overcome these last two months in preparation for Taiwan.
1. Many times I wanted to decline going. I do not think I will make a good impression due to all my nerves. I'm making things burdensome for my school.
2. Many times I felt financially unbalanced. In my goal to save money this year, I've been hit with a few purchases in the last month that has left me not meeting my target goals. And while I'm not paying for a majority of this trip, I still worry that I'll spend more money than I need too.
3. Many times I had to remind myself to be social while in Taiwan. I wouldn't say that I am at hermit levels of being social, I still tend to shy away from large crowds or being social at a normal level. I've been working hard on this, but I still have my backslides. I didn't want one to happen while in Taiwan.
4. Many times I needed to tell myself that I earned this opportunity. And while I'm not sure what part of my Fulbright profile made me qualify for this opportunity, something stood out to the Commission. I just only wish I knew what it was.
It was during these many times that I would tell myself a compliment.
1. I am smart.
2. I am strong.
3. I am amazing.
4. I am worthy.
Each time, it got easier to get through the negative. My voice got firmer.
It goes without saying?
No. It goes with saying.
#SaveOurToya
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