Changes Are Coming

It's been about two months since my anxiety attack over trash. Lots of things have happened since then.

I've been to Jeju for the Fulbright Spring Conference, Sports Day at my school, various Korean holidays, and even, my parents came to visit me.

Each moment has something that I could talk about, but for some reason, I found myself struggling to talk about it. At first, I wasn't sure what's been going on, but my words were lacking.

Which is odd.

In Jeju, I was able to hear the ocean every night as I fell asleep.

At Sports Day, I got many awesome pictures of my students being...well, awesome.

During the Korean holidays, I was able to recharge a bit and hang with friends.

With my parents, I've noticed how much I've changed since I left Florida.

These are all good things with stories tied to them!

And yet...I'm left speechless in the worst of ways.

In roughly one month, my first year in Korea will be finished and I think...that's what's stopping me.

In one month, despite the fact that I'm not leaving, I am still saying goodbye to those who are. With each of them goes a part of Korea that has made my time here so memorable. I've already begun to notice it with others who've left that aren't Fulbrighters.

Things are shifting and changing as the circumstances are.

It makes sense, though.

It does.

And I supposed I could say I'm making peace with it.

Now that I'm being honest with myself, I can see the sadness that's holding my voice back.

Changes are coming and I need to find my new voice for the year.

#SaveOurToya

Fourth Point

At some point during our Orientation period, we were told to find our 'fourth point'. Something that had nothing to do with teaching and more along the lines of doing something that interests you. A version of 'self-care' without out-right saying 'self-care'. It's a good concept, but it takes forever to find something to be your 'fourth point'.

At least to me, it did.

And the reason why I don't call it Self-Care (without the quotations marks), is the simple fact that you don't HAVE to have a fourth point during your grant year. But I am of the strong opinion, highly recommended, 10 out of 10 on Yelp, that Self-care is a must.

You need to take care of you, live for you, be for you. Taking a step away from Adulting and the pressures that you find yourself stuck under is a breath of fresh air that actually helps you more than sticking it out.

My Fourth Point never turned into learning a traditional Korean instrument or practicing my Korean. Or going swing dancing. (And yes, these are all versions of Fourth Points currently happening.)

My Fourth Point can be boiled down to three brilliant women who have made my grant year something one of a kind. Somehow, in all the confusion, joy, depression, amusement, anxiety, [insert adjectives here], I've been able to find a quiet joy.

Does that sound underwhelming to you?

Maybe.

But to me, it means more than I can ever put a price to. By the end of our grant year, I'm not sure what I'll do as my new Fourth Point as we all start the next part of our lives. While I am sad that two of three will be returning home, I am so proud of all of them and their continued journeys.

From Grad School to traveling to LSATs to a 2nd Fulbright Grant year.

There's so much I want to say to the three of you and I don't even know where to start.

To Tae: I know that you'll be staying a second year, which is why you're getting the first shout-out. To be honest, I don't even remember what connected us at Orientation, but I don't really care anymore. Whatever it may have been, I'm so thankful for it. You leave me in awe, Tae. The decision for law school and the LSATs...just, wow! I know it wasn't easy picking what you were you doing next, but you finally did it. You have such a caring heart and wonderful outlook on the world. I know that where ever you end up within the Justice System, they'll be lucky to have you.

To Julia: Mokpo was hella cold and you were hella sick, but still took the time to have lunch with us and hosted us for dinner. If that doesn't describe how fantastic you are, I'm at a loss. The bond we share is one-of-a-kind, if I were to be Frank. With you, I feel that I can just...be me. It leaves me in a delicate balance of vulnerability, but also safety. I'm thankful to you for letting me see this side of myself. Travel well, I cannot wait to see your pictures!

To Anni: I don't know how you do it, Anni. I really don't. It may be your dimples that get compliments, but it's really your soul that should receive praise. The amount of care I have seen you put to situations that I would disregard has left me in various states of confusion, amusement, exasperation, and fondness. Despite how your care for others may hinder you, you still don't change your ways. Some may call it stubbornness or self-destructive, but the way I see it, it's pure. Pure in that I knew I could rely on you when I needed someone during a very shaky time. It's a characteristic that will make you an amazing teacher. Have a great time in grad school!

There's so much more I can say to the three of you, but I'm going to leave it here.

No wait. That's a lie. One last thing.

Thank you for inviting me to your homestays and getting me out of Geochang. Yes, I'm "small town living", especially compared to the three of you, but it suits me. I'm a creature of habit, after all. I would not have settled in as well to Korea, if it weren't for you three forcing my hand and getting out of Geochang.

My Fourth Point = priceless.

#SaveOurToya

To My Precious Sixth Graders

Though our time was short, I have seen each of you grow in different ways. I'm very sad that we won't be able to spend more time together, but I wish you the very best! I only ask that you always try in your English classes! Right or wrong, just try. You can do it, I believe in you! 화이팅~!

화이팅 (in More Ways than One)

Many of you have reached out to me, sharing your love and positivity during a time I wasn't able to do the same for myself. That is why this post is for you.

To you, who made me smile when I couldn't muster one up myself.

To you, who reminded me that I'm not alone.

To you, who talked me through my thoughts.

To you, who stood beside me.

To you, who listened.

To you, who cared.

To you...

I give you my thanks, my appreciation, and my affection. I know that many of you have your own problems that you're working through. And they are by no means less than someone else's. So, the fact that you took time to reach out means more to me than I can ever express. Know that if you need a willing ear or just someone to talk to, I am here for you.

Without hesitation.

#SaveOurToya

The Mini-Break

During my hiatus, I thought a lot about my status of renewing my contract or not. We had October 3rd off for 개천절. And thank goodness that we did, because I was emotionally dead by that point.

It's why I was thinking about renewing my contract. It got real rough at work.

Given, I've been here for a short time in the grand scheme, and it's not something I need to make decision about now.

But.

My thoughts still wandered and I decided to give it some serious thought. Especially since I was on a hiatus and was taking the time to care for myself. Ignoring my thoughts or feelings is the exact opposite of what I told myself I needed to do.

Now, as many of you know, I want to do all three years with Fulbright.

At least...I did...

And I'm not saying that I'll switch over to EPIK or maybe go to a different country. I've seriously contemplated going back home after this year.

Crazy! I know!

But, at the current moment, that's just where my head is and I wanted to make note of it. I'm not disregarding this feeling or thought because I made it during a not so good time for myself. It's still a very real feeling.

It's not shade at Korea or anything.

I'm just contemplating if teaching is really my thing...

It's especially hard when you're faced with misbehaving children. And I'm not talking about tantrum-ready, screaming children. I'm talking about kids who are quicker to curse you out and call you a pig. I've always said kids were mean, but sometimes...they can be particularly vicious.

Behavior like this is hard to correct. It's doable, but hard. And since we have a language barrier between each other, it's even harder. But you can be proud of me. I did not let it stop me. I'm not afraid to stop a lesson midway through and get serious. 

And why should I be afraid to do that? It'll ruin the lesson? Let's be real. The misbehavior has already ruined it.

I had had enough and pulled a full halt on everything. I cut them off. I stared them down. I spoke over them. I made sure I had everyone's attention. Then in as simple as possible with words I know they know, I told them: "No. I do not like bad words. You will not say 'fuck you', 'what the fuck', or 'mother fucker'. That is bad. No more."

Of course, there had to be that one kid who called me a 'pig' to lighten the mood. Shut that right down as well.

I've yet to escalate this to their homeroom teachers or my coteacher. Honestly, I don't know why I haven't. Maybe, it's because I want to try to handle it on my own, as I hadn't tried yet. It could be because of anything. As far as I see it, if it does happen again, I'll get serious again and bring it up to their teachers then.

I did not fly all the way across the planet to be disrespected or made fun of. And yes, kids are kids. But it doesn't mean they have to be horrible. That crap won't fly in the real world. And frankly, it doesn't matter that they're only elementary school kids, because they're still in the real world. I'm in the real world.

This behavior definitely will play a part in influencing whether I want to be here another year or not. To do three years would be beautiful, but...if reality is telling me differently, then it's telling me differently.

Are any of you having these thoughts of renewing your contracts or staying at your place of employment for another year?

If you wanna see what else I get up to while in Korea, please hit the 'FOLLOW' button on the right!

#SaveOurToya

Week 8 - Consistency is a Thing of the Past...Apparently

For a second there, I didn't know what I was going to post about...

But then I remember something that happened during Day 2 of teaching.

I don't think you'll ever guess what happened. (Unless we happened to speak to each other during this week.)

Five minutes before I was about to teach my last class of the day, literally FIVE minutes, I get a "Toya-teacher, hi. Can you teach for three hours...straight?" (There was a lot more stop and go, with mistranslations and lots of confusion. But it boils down to that.)

Please note, that I only had a single lesson plan in my hand, wasn't even that good of a lesson plan, that would last for 40 minutes.

Now, I haven't had a math class in quite some time...BUT! Crazy thing, I do know that 40 minutes does not equal three hours.

In my head, "FUCK."

What I actually said, "Three hours? Where? The computer room? Okay!" And skipped my internally freaking out behind back to the first floor where the kids were waiting for me.

Y'all...I really don't know how I survived it. But somehow...I did it.

Looking back, I can hear what one of my favorite coworkers use to say all the time. "Consistency is key!" Out of everyone in our office, she was the one to remain consistent for the two years that I was working there. And she has a point.

Consistency is so important. It helps keep things organized and succinct.

But the way I'm feeling it while being in Korea...not so much.

But before we get all 'rawr rawr' about it, there are some things to keep in mind. Yes, it was day two, and WTF!?, but also. It was Day 2. My schedule is still tentative as they try out having a full-time English teacher. And yes. I am the English teacher. Not the assistant.

There is definitely a language barrier. And that can be really intimidating on getting information across quickly and confidently. Not that it's an excuse, but it is a factor that plays a role whether we like it or not.

Also, did I mention I was their first full-time ETA? Yeah. It's all a bit crazy.

Hopefully, things get better for next week!

So, I want to hear your thoughts! Do you think you'd be okay with someone springing a three-hour class on you all of a sudden? What are your thoughts on consistency? How would you have handled this situation?

If you want to get updates on the latest #SaveOurToya shenanigans, please hit the FOLLOW  button to the right. I mean, why not?

#SaveOurToya

Day 1 at my Homestay

My first morning here was very nerve-wracking. I was a bit sick to my stomach really.

I had taken a bite of my bread with jam, thinking how different such a familiar thing tasted and suddenly, it was getting really hard to chew.

I really don't know how I did it. And when I swallowed it, it felt like a rock going down. I had to put my bread down and take a sip from my drink. I was so relieved when it went down without an issue.

I had to take a bite, sip at my drink, back and forth for a good ten minutes.

It was the worst wave of homesickness I ever got while being in Korea. I hadn't realized that my cohort had kept so much of the unfamiliar at bay while we were together. Sure, we were kind of isolated in Songdo, but still. Everything around us was very Korean.

During breakfast, I thought I would be struggling with this uncomfortable-ness for the rest of the day, but I didn't.

My Homestay fam took me out and we relaxed in a remote location where I was surrounded by nature and fresh air (featured in my week 7 post!). I didn't even have my phone with me (just my camera!). I don't think I'll ever be able to tell them how thankful I was that they let me join them on their outing.

I really needed it.

It's Day 2 right now, and as it stands...I'm a lot more calm...and confident in my actions and motions.

I know it'll come back...but for now. I will just enjoy the calmness.

#SaveOurToya

Week 6 - 79 Goodbyes...80 Hellos

Wow. I don't even know where to start...

Usually I have a good jumping off point (at least, I feel like I do...), but today...I'm truly lost in what to say.

Let's start with some facts.

1- Week 6 is the final week of my Orientation period. That's right friends and family, I have been here for 6 weeks, and my Orientation is officially up.

2- I have completed 110 hours of Korean Language Instruction at Yonsei University at the Songdo Campus. Still need to work on it though...

3- I taught in two separate English classes at an English Summer Camp (FEP). Which had been nerve-wracking at first, but has made me more confident as a teacher in the long run~!

4- I was at the US Embassy in Seoul where I met the Ambassador. Was not expecting that...

5- Vacationed in Sokcho for a weekend. Will definitely be going again!

6- Had a fantastic roommate for the whole Orientation period. Truly. Thanks again, Kaby! These last six weeks would've been a different kind of adventure if it weren't for you.

7- ...

You know what? I think I'm going to stop this list here. Because at this rate, I'll just keep going with no end in sight...

But, bonus points...I figured out what I wanted to write about!

My cohort.

Looking back, I don't think I've really spoken about them...not really...right?

It's not because they're horrible people. Far from it. It's because I had no idea on how to discuss 80 people in a single post without it being excessively long.

Spoilers: ...I can't.

80 people is way too long to give individual shoutouts. You can trust me on this. We have to count to 80 for attendance. (We spice things up by counting down to 1.) Even something as small as saying a number can be a challenge...apparently.

So unfortunately, I won't be giving individual shoutouts.

Now then...this cohort...the 2018-19 Fulbright Korea cohort...

In a single word?

친구 - Friends

What had once been 79 strangers are now 79 people who I can look to for support, laughter, exasperation, safety, and even irritation. For what is family without someone to be irritating?

This week- no...these six weeks, the 80 of us have gone through so many challenges and have come out better for it in the end. I am proud to be in this cohort, regardless of the passive aggressive memes. I am happy that we had six weeks to orient ourselves in this country as much as we could before going to our placement. In some way or another, each person has inspired me to be better.

Do better.

Even those individuals who I've barely spoken to. Crazy as that may sound, there are some individuals that I've barely spoken to in this cohort. It's not because of avoidance, but just...so much is happening that I'm already at Week 6/heading to my placement before I had the chance to really sit down catch my breath.

Where has the time gone, Fam?

Before I get all emotional and start crying on my laptop, I want to send warm wishes to my cohort! We'll all be in separate corners of this country, some lucky enough to be in the same city- or by ourselves (like me!), but we'll still be connected to each other because of these six weeks.

I know we'll have our good days. And definitely our bad days.

But I want you all to know, you're not alone. You have 79 guaranteed friends that are a group chat away. Share with us the good. The bad. The ugly. The beautiful. Let us laugh with you. Cry with you. Hold you.

You will all be wonderful and talented teachers!

So really, this isn't 79 goodbyes.

It's 80 hellos to new places. New experiences. And new memories!

#SaveOurToya

Stronger than I Look - First Month Update

My feelings have reached a new level of exasperation. I am frustrated, apathetic, amused, challenged content, tired, disappointed, excited, and inspired. So much has happened in this month between meeting everyone in my cohort, teaching for the first time, workshops, and trying to figure out what this year will bring me.

Instead of studying for my midterm, I wanted to get something off my chest.

This last week has been...a challenge. I'm not too sure if I can get the words out- hell, I don't even think I can properly express these emotions properly.

Please be patient as I try to put feelings into words. This may be all over the place, but...meh. I'm okay with that.

During one of our workshops, Culture Shock was explained to us. It's not the first time I've heard of it, and I've learned some techniques to handle it during my many travels/moves. Thankfully, I haven't had to experience the intensity that Culture Shock can reach in my past.

But maybe I'll feel it while in South Korea? The culture is quite different from home and anywhere else I've traveled. It's still undetermined, but I'm hopeful that everything will work itself out the way it needs to.

I'm mentioning Culture Shock, because that's probably the first thing others bring up when what I'm about to express is used as an explanation for my feelings. And fine, it may play a role, but if it's one thing I know well, it's that there's more to a story, person, and feeling.

Everything has an origin story, but so much goes into that story that leaving anything out is not only a disservice to the story, but something else entirely. I cannot blame my emotions on Culture Shock, not alone.

Alright, enough stalling. Time to jump right in to the heart of the matter.

I want to read my posts from April and May, to see where my emotions were back then, but I'm hesitant. I had hopes and goals that I wanted to meet. I fear that reading those posts will bring my disappointment to the forefront. No one likes being disappointed in themselves. One day, I'll look at them again, but I don't think I'm in the right place currently to do that.

Why is dealing with emotions such a struggle?

I think I've reached a point in my Orientation where I'm asking myself why am I here. Yes...I have a duty as a cultural ambassador while here under Fulbright's name. A responsibility I am honored to uphold and wish nothing more than to be successful for my country and my communities that I represent, support, and adore.

I want nothing more than to do right by my students and my Homestay Family.

But...I want to do something more.

And yet...what is that more?

I titled this post Stronger than I Look, for two reasons. 1) A friend of mine recently gave me news that I'm on the right path that I need to be on. I will come across trials that may appear daunting, but I have what it takes to get passed it.

And 2) a shout-out to my past. Since as far back as I can recall, I've always took on many tasks and have made it my point to exceed all expectations no matter the request. Of course, I also know how to say 'no'. But more often than not, my quick mind comes up with multiple solutions or answers before I turn to 'no'.

Though my strength exists...I'm also tired. Perhaps, I should hold off on the more and take my time to live a life without the demands that I'm familiar with. I'm still not done with my journey, but there's no shame in getting off at a nearby rest stop. Who knows when I'll get this chance again to stretch my legs, using the bathroom, and restock?

What are my emotions?

What are my actions?

Who knows. But as of now, with one month behind me since I've come to Korea, guess we'll just have to wait and see what I get up to.

#SaveOurToya

Sokcho - 속초시

Oh my gosh! A post that isn't on Sunday!?

Haha, yeah it's been a while...a little over a week....maybe?

You might hate me, but I've finally got around to making my post about Sokcho! (All pictures can be found at the end of the post if they are not strategically placed within the post~!)As you can see in the header of this post, I even included the Korean spelling! Sokcho is a city on the east coast of South Korea. If you were to google it, you'd see that it's pretty close to the DMZ. In fact, it was the only time I actually saw military anything while being here.

And even then, it wasn't like they were armed. They were going to the convenience store for a snack or waiting for the bus. Nothing crazy army-like.

Sokcho is known for its beaches and back in July 2016, it was the only place in South Korea where you could play Pokémon GO. Government mapping restrictions...according to Wikipedia.

And if you know me, I don't play Pokémon GO, but I do like going to the beach!

It was a nice reminder of home, to be honest.

Temple we went to

Friday: The bus ride was nice going there. It was roughly four hours long, with a stop around mid-way through. When we got there, it was a little bit past noon. We had limited programming, where we learnt about Buddhism and Korea. It was rather interesting, and I enjoyed seeing the Buddhist temple afterwards. Despite the hot humidity and glaring down on you sun, it was a nice temple visit. We even had dinner at the temple, which was a unique experience in itself!

All I gotta say is: dem potatoes tho!!!!

After the temple, a few of us found our way to a 7/11, grabbed a variety of soju bottles and snackies, grabbed a table outside and had fun. After two intense weeks of Orientation with two following weeks of FEP, we needed a moment to just relax and realize that we were definitely not in America anymore.

Before I forget, we stayed in the Class 300 hotel!

We off to the beach~!

Saturday: The relaxation continued. Some of us found our way to the beach (me) whereas others went hiking (definitely not me - waaayyyy too hot for that). What was supposed to be a quick trip to the beach turned into a four to five hour stay. My tanning game was as strong as ever and I easily got four to five shades darker. Unlike others, who got sunburnt (No shade, fam!).

Angelina's birthday cake

Saturday was also a good friend's birthday. And because it was their birthday, a few of us wanted to surprise them with a cake! That was when Crap-How-We-Going-To-Finesse-This-Happy-Birthday-Plan came alive. While (Anni) was tasked with distracting the birthday bae, Tae Hee and I finessed a birthday cake.

It took a little bit to find the bakery, but when we did. Oh thank Jesus for air conditioning and pretty cakes! I wish I had taken a picture of the cakes, but I did get a picture of the cake we ended up picking. 😀

Angelina Beelina, thank you for letting us celebrate your birthday with you!

Grilling AT the table

There was also went to a really yummy place for dinner. It's the type of place you go to where you can grill your own meat at your table. I have to give a shout out to my girl Anni, who looked like a literal pro as she cooked for us. (I also think she was the youngest at our table..., which works out nicely.)

We ended the night at 노레방. Or as we like to say in English, Karaoke. It's not what we know it as though. Karaoke in Korea is where you and your group of friends get to go into your own rooms, and have your own karaoke party. Whereas in the states, you perform in front of a crowd. A lot less pressure. BUT! at 노레방 we were being scored. That took me by surprise. Haha~!

At the end, we went our separate ways back to our hotel room.

But. In Tae Hee, Angelina, and my room...karaoke continued. We didn't get to sleep until around midnight.

Sunday: We left Sokcho a little bit after breakfast. And I thought it would take a nice comfortable four hours, like it was on our way up.

I couldn't have been more wrong. Instead...it took us eight hours.

4 hours < 8 hours

You may be wondering why...good question.

Honest answer: 2 museums, 1 lunch, free ice cream (thanks KAEC!), a bus stop, and traffic. Lots and lots of traffic.

And the kicker, the bus had no A/C. After the museums and lunch, I happened to wake up after falling asleep. After looking around, I found myself in the middle of a sleepover. Everyone, except for the bus driver, was out cold.

#FulbrightKoreaGrantees

Whether it was because of the heat, the adventures from the days previously, delayed jetlag, or the activites from that day alone, but we were all exhausted. [see image to the right]

When we got back to the Orientation site, we couldn't hang around as most of us were inappropriately dressed for FEP. So we went to our floor (7th Floor) and either crashed in our rooms, changed and mozied about, or something.

I honestly didn't pay too much attention to what the others were up to. I was tired and nasty. I took a shower and went to bed.

Overall, Sokcho is a nice place for a mini-vacation. The beach was nice, if a bit odd from my perspective. Back home, you can pretty much go swimming all along the coast. But here, there were designated swimming areas and barely any waves. The only waves that really came at us were the ones from the boats or jetskies zooming about.

The water was also really cold...

I think I'm going to see if a few of us ever want to go back for a weekend or another place along the coast. Can't go too long without seeing the beach!

Make good choices, Fam~!

#SaveOurToya

The pictures are a little all over...please bear with me until I figure this out!)

Look at our hotel room~!

View from the 15th floor dining room

Look how close we were to the ocean!

Anni!

  

Some of these views...just wow~!

Catch they next album in stores near you

That's the Pacific right there

Tae Hee looking all happy

Kristy~!

A different kind of beach-going

Back at it again

Featuring Toya

Chris and Curtis make an appearance too~!

Lilly pond~!

Anni didn't cook this time, but we still ate good~!

Kisses~! :*

A typical trip to 7/11

Week 2 - La's Placement

Hands slightly shaking with sweaty palms. Breaths coming faster, but controlled. Blood rushing to my ears. Clenching fingers squeeze briefly before letting go.

It was go time.

When I heard my name, all the worries and noises went away. I knew what I had to do during my Placement Ceremony. 

It was go time.

Paper in hand, standing straight in front of Director Shim, I gave a 90-degree bow and was then off to place my sticker on the map. 

It was go time.

Clearly...its in the red part...

I have the honor to be teaching at 주상초등학교 (Jusang Elementary School) in 거창군 (Geochang county). It is the province of 경상남도(Gyeongsangnam-do). And by the looks of it, it's a small village school! While some of my fellow ETAs are going to be teaching 500+ students, I will be teaching what looks to be 19 students. 

That's right, Fam.

You read that right.

19 students.

As in ten plus nine equals nineteen! 

I will be taking whatever chance I can to practice/learn Korean as my students will be working hard to learn English! If teacher can do it, so can they!

Relatedly, I don't know how well y'all know your Korean education systems, but elementary school goes up to sixth grade. And since ETAs start teaching at third grade, I will have 3rd, 4th, 5th, and 6th graders. My fourth grade class looks to be the biggest with ten students. My smallest classes have three students. 

Fam, I can't lie here. These are literally the numbers I was given/researched through the internet.

Do I have any concerns?

Well, I did. I mean, I went from city beautiful, to what looks to be a mountain township. It'll be a big change. And I think I'm ready for that. This is what I've been waiting for these last three years - a challenge! - and I'm ready!

But what I am preparing myself for is being the first black person the people in my township may be meeting. It doesn't look like there were any former ETAs at this school, it's a small place and up in a mountainous area. Then here I come in all my wonderful, beautiful glory or a hot mess. Not only am I representing America and Fulbright, but the black community for this township.

I am really thankful that I've had the chance to talk to former/renewing ETAs who are black and discussed their experiences. It's helped settle a lot of my concerns.

However, I don't think I can get rid of my all of my concern just yet. Not until I'm there and have established myself!

With my placement mostly out of the way, it's all about meeting my Placement Family now! I'll be working hard on my Korean!

Until next week's post...make good choices Fam (like dropping a comment!)

#SaveOurToya

Guess What...

At the end of the month, I will be holding my first lesson. Together with another ETA, we will be holding a small lesson (by small, I mean 45 mins in length) and I am excited and nervous at the same time!

Ugh, this feeling is lowkey frustrating!!!!

Having never taught a class and using what skills I've picked up while getting my TEFL certificate and certification in TESOL, I'm keeping my fingers crossed that my partner and I will be fantastic and awesome. 😎

Which we totally are.

But...nerves are normal and natural. Just...gotta...get to the point where I'm in the classroom and doing the thing.

The teaching thing.

...!

In other news, I hope to take part in all of the activities outside of the classroom that FEP will be holding in addition. These kids sound like an awesome bunch already.

And who knows! Might end up teaching one of them one day...

Keep your fingers crossed for me~!

#SaveOurToya

The Nerves are Here

Oh my gaaaawwwwdddd.

I'm so energized that I can't even sleep. I got maybe, maybe, 3 hours of sleep. And all because I fell asleep watching TV (I seriously need to rewatch that episode of GoT).Waking up on the couch was really startling.

So yes. Energized with a sleepless-ish night!

*takes a deep breath*

I leave for the airport in 6 hours...

...it's almost here and I'm feeling all the emotions. Excitement-anxiety. Happiness-fear. Joy-sad.

The only emotion I'm not feeling is anger. There's no room for that hot mess.

It's five am, I could be do something more productive than trolling on Facebook while listening to showtunes. I mean, I just have a few small things left to pack and that's only because I need them to get ready in the morning.

Sorry for the disjointed thoughts here. I'm a bit all over right now!

#SaveOurToya

Bye Bye UCF

It is 7:46am as I write this post and all because this morning, it really hit me. 😕

This is my last day at the University of Central Florida. I've been here for so long (7 years!) that it's kind of surreal. In the summer of 2011, I started working part time in the College of Sciences' Dean's Office. In the fall, I started undergrad. A year later, I was working full-time and going to school. By 2016, I had my B.A. and started graduate school, while still being employed at the university.

I've worked in three separate and vastly different departments on campus. And from each area, did I learn something new about myself.

These last seven years...I really can't put a word to it. I am thankful and honored for all of the people who I've met and while some of the experiences were less than ideal, I am better for it. There are so many people I want to give shout-outs to, but you all know who you are. If we've ever interacted, even as little as 'hi', thank you!

Now, it is July 2018, I am a two-time graduate of UCF, about to move abroad, and am only 24 years old. I think I'm doing this 'adulting' thing right. We can compare notes^^

It's been an adventure UCF, but gurl bye. 😘

#SaveOurToya

Not Goodbye, but See You Later

This morning, I had the chance to drop my parents off at the airport. They're on their way to a 3 week vacation in Germany. I'm totally excited for them and miss the Fatherland quite a bit, but this trip will be good for them. They work so hard and do so much! It's their time to relax and recuperate. Hopefully one day I can make it back to Germany too.

And while this wasn't the first time I was sending them off, it was the first time that I'm sending them off where I won't see them for almost a year again. I was okay, until Ma started crying.

Dad (to me): Why are you crying? Stop that.
Me: It's mom's fault!
Mom: I don't regret a single tear!
Me: *chocked sob*
Dad: This is what you want to do. You're gonna be great!
Me (wiping away tears): I know!
Mom (sniffles): Be a good girl and have fun!

If this isn't an accurate representation of what it's like to be with my parents, I don't know what is. Well...actually, there are a few more examples. BUT! This is what they all come down too.

It would've been better if my older brother was there too, but he's not exactly accessible from Florida. But the four of us, we're gonna be okay. I'll be okay.

This opportunity is my journey to take, but I know that while I won't see them, my family will still support me.

#SaveOurToya

Frustration - My Old Friend

I just finished posting on FB that there are some individuals in my life who think I'm playing. Like I have the time and desire for these childish games.

I don't.

I really, really don't.

I don't know about the rest of the world, but I gotta live my Best Life. And my Best Life does not include having to decipher whether you're being honest with me, or have some ulterior motive. Nor does it include crying over the fact that you don't "like" this new me. If it really mattered, if I really mattered, this "new" me, wouldn't be a problem.

This huge change over me wouldn't be anything new. Sure, you'd see more determination, but that's about it.

I am done with these games.

Either grow up and shine your damn brightest, or be left here to wallow in your frustration and pettiness. Because this chica got places to be and life to experience that doesn't involve your two best friends.

#SaveOurToya

Paging my Life

For the last 3 weeks, I have been running around getting myself ready for my move. I'm pretty sure the staff at the Health Clinic know me pretty well by now. At first I was "the girl with the pretty eyes". Now, I'm "Toya".

There's a lot of stuff that comes with moving abroad. And I'm overwhelmed by the medical checks...

But! That's because I'm going on vacation next week and I want this all to be done and ready to go before I leave!

So, here's what needs to get done (still):

1) Medical (like 2 more appointments before I can submit it, but one more vaccine left)
2) FBI - level background check (finger prints too)
3) Visa (there's no fee, so I'm shook)
4) TESOL Certification  (Even though I already have a TEFL certificate????)
5) Flight (👍✈)
6) Miscellaneous  (For whatever is missing)

So!

While I'm running around getting the rest of this stuff done, I'm also getting prepared for my trip to Hawai'i next week. A personal graduation present to myself for finishing my Master's.

#SaveOurToya

I'm Scared...

You ever get to the point where everything is going well, and then a small thing pops up that can spiral into a well of despair?

Yeah...that's currently where I'm at.

I'm trying to rationalize it and keep my mind on the goal, but what if it doesn't work out? And it's that 'what if' that's freaking me out.

Ugh.

Just keep me in good thoughts while I take May to figure myself out and put out fires.

#SaveOurToya

I Didn't Even Know, tho!

I really didn't.

Now you must be wondering, 'What do you mean you didn't even know? Know what?'

And that's my point exactly. I had no idea what I was doing or going to do. Since birth, it has been ingrained what the appropriate pathway would be.

Please note: I do not agree with the following life style, as everyone has a different way to their end game!

Essentially, the "appropriate" life path goes:

1.  School
2. Secondary School (Bachelor's)
3. Marriage
4. Child
5. Post-grad school, maybe?
6. Retirement

And well, after that is death, but let's not get so sad, shall we?

But yeah, that's the general outline of what your life should look like or follow. But I'm calling BS. That life path might suit some best, but for others, that life can be in a complete different order. (Though, I'm pretty sure that Retirement is at the end. Right? I'm only 24. I haven't really looked into it that much...)

There I was, just graduating high school, going into college for a Bachelor's degree in French, with the goal of becoming a translator. This was a big moment for me. I had plans.

Or so I thought.

Four years later, what I thought my life would look like after graduation was no where near my expectations. I was pretty upset and that carried with me. In fact, it's still with me today. I am afraid that the things I've been working on for the last two years are going to be taken away. I had to change gears. I took it as a sign that perhaps translating isn't where my talents lie elsewhere.

It took about six months, but I changed gears and pursued another interest of mine. In the next week(-ish), I will be walking across the stage during my second graduation ceremony for a Masters in Interdisciplinary Studies with a certification in Gender Studies and second certification in Teaching English as a Foreign Language.

It's hard keeping your head up with all the pressures and expectations from those around you. That's why this post is to show that even though I didn't know what I wanted from life and whether I followed the path of what's right, it's okay. I go at my own time. I go at my own pace. What's important is that I live my best life for me.

Who even knows when I get married and whether I have children. Right now, in my life, my focus is teaching abroad for as long as I can. :)

My future... Not So Pending...

These last four months have been...in a word?

Fucking crazy.

Okay, fine.
In two words.

And looking back, I'm kinda glad it was such a whirlwind of 'WTF' and 'Really? Are you serious?'. Sounds stupid, but I'm better for it. And now, I have the opportunity of a lifetime that I never thought I would actually get.

It's kinda like, when you're a kid (which I was) and you want a million dollars (I still do) just so you can live your life and do whatever you want to do (the dream!), but you know reality is a thing (an actual thing) and just try your best to achieve something (hopefully).

That was me.

I didn't think I would ever get to live one of my dreams. Everything going on in the real world has left me more jaded and cynical of life. It wasn't easy finding people who cared or wanted what's best for you. And it still isn't easy to find them.

But!

Cuz there's always a 'but', you find someone or something that puts a smile on your face. You find value in what you're doing again. You throw your name in a hat, cross your fingers, and try to keep yourself from drowning in your responsibilities.

My support system these last four months were a hodge-podge of people that I do not deserve. I could always find a kind word or a 'really Toya?' when I was spiraling into a fit of dramatics.

No really. Dramatics. I had a whole spiel of how I wouldn't get my degree. Live at my parent's house. Without my cat. Stuck forever where I am.

Throw in some crying emojis and you can get the gist of it.

Here I am. A little under two weeks from graduation, a couple months from moving out of the country, and on my way to living my best life.

It sure as hell wasn't easy. The things that really matter, the things that you want with every part of your actual being, those aren't the easiest to get. You have to fight for it. And you might shed some tears. Some parts might fall in your lap, and others you might have to chase after for a couple of months to get them.

So, yeah. My future? Not so pending anymore.