Saturdays

I can still remember a time when Saturdays were about lazy wake-ups, family breakfast, and catching my favorite Saturday morning cartoons. There had even been the odd day where I could slip back into bed and catch a few more minutes of sleep before I would be reprimanded into Saturday Cleaning Day fun.

Unfortunately, those Saturdays no longer exist for me. I can't remember when things started to change, or if it's even finished changing. What I do know is that on this sleepless Saturday morning, while walking to my Korean lesson, I made a realization on a matter I've been avoiding since elementary school. At some point during those formative years, I had begun lying to myself. One of the best well-kept known secrets.

This wake up call came while I was in the process of walking by a group of men this morning and did not feel threatened. Now, I cannot speak for all women (cis or trans), but many of us share an unwanted understanding. This awareness that we share is that a group of men does not equal safe. It doesn't matter if we are with friends or walking on the opposite side of the street. Too often have we heard of our sisters being targeted simply for trying to exist.

Rape culture is alive and thriving in this man's world where women are seen more as a way to improve a reputation than a person.

Another human-being.

So yeah. We understand each other's fear.

But this morning, as I walked by this group of men, that fear could not be found. It wasn't because I suddenly felt a sense of womanly empowerment. Or the fact that Korea has felt safer to me than a time in the states. No, fear was no where to be found.

What I felt instead was my anxiety questioning if any of them found me even remotely worth looking at outside of my clearly foreign features. If I was even remotely worth attacking.

Let me say that again.

If I was even remotely worth attacking.

The wave of anger and disappointment that overcame me when I registered what I had just thought was so heavy, I had to sit down. I slipped into the nearest cafe and found a seat. I could ask myself if I lost my damn mind as many times as I wanted, but I wouldn't have been able to answer.

Because there it was.

The secret that has always been there, but I've managed to avoid in an almost comical routine as I pushed through the day. I finally confronted my unspoken secret on the second floor of an Ediya cafe, two hours before my Korean lesson on a Saturday morning.

My lack of self-esteem, my self-worth...they were no longer a secret.

I don't know how this may change me, now that I'm acknowledging what I lack. Maybe I'll find that empowerment or perhaps my self-esteem will get at least a little boost?

Who really knows?

#SaveOurToya

To My Precious Sixth Graders

Though our time was short, I have seen each of you grow in different ways. I'm very sad that we won't be able to spend more time together, but I wish you the very best! I only ask that you always try in your English classes! Right or wrong, just try. You can do it, I believe in you! 화이팅~!

영어선생님이에요

Today my Vice Principal told me my teaching style has greatly improved. In fact, she said I deserve a certificate for being a real teacher.

And yet...I have mixed feelings about this statement...

One is joyful and the other one is resentful.

I'm well aware that I wasn't exactly a teacher when I first started out back in September. Before then, I'd taught only two classes with another English teacher. Outside of that, I've only given presentations to my peers (woo, class presentations~!). So, to hear that I've improved is fantastic!

But...why didn't she give me any tips or suggestions on how to get better?

Yes, I have a TEFL and TESOL certificate that say I am qualified to teach English to non-English speakers, but let's be honest...attending classes, drafting lesson plans, reading methodologies...theory is one thing, and the practical is a whole other beast.

Some days I struggled, other days I was able to keep my head over the water. There were even some days that I could stand in the water with confidence. Those first six months were rough, but they were doable. I'm proud that I was able to achieve what I have.

But...a little help would've been great. Not going to lie. Especially since I never really knew what I needed to ask to improve. Knowing what I do now, it was getting to know the students and having them know me. It was through this process that I was able to figure out what kind of teacher I was.

I connect with my students by being silly with them. I get my students improving by sticking to a routine. Heck, even the usage of my minimal Korean has shown my students that as they try to learn my language, I'm also learning their's. I kid you not, the second I told them to get out their 공책, they not only flipped out, they got more attentive.

Did I have to learn Korean to be a better teacher? Maybe. For the position that I am in, at the school that I am in, it did make me a better teacher. Had my circumstances been different, it may not have been what made me "better".

What did make me a better teacher was the amount of time I've put in for my students and for myself. I feel that at the beginning, I'd only been doing half of that. I was putting in too much effort for one of those, and it was hurting me. Until I figured out my balance, I wasn't doing anyone any good. Not my students, and definitely not me.

Six months to get comfortable in a new land.

Six months of teaching young children to first get comfortable with English.

Six months from when I left everything that I knew.

I can now say, with confidence, I am an English teacher.

영어선생님이에요.

#SaveOurToya

Starring Toya

February is here!

What will become of our wandering heroine, you may ask? Or you don't really care...

Either way!

February is here and I'm happy.

Everything has worked itself out for me, somehow...

These last six-ish months, were as much up as they were down. It was a bit WILD, to be honest.

But now...now, things have settled and feel...like a cliche moment.

Wait a minute... Am I seriously living a cliche? It's as if my movie suddenly did a wrap, everything just...works itself out.

Oh dear god.

I'm living a cliche...

#SaveOurToya

Depends on your school

Some of you who've found my blog, may be contemplating Fulbright Korea? If so, then this post may be of interest to you!

As right now, I'm about to drop some knowledge about the program that you don't see until you're in the program.

Everything can be boiled down to four words: depends on your school.

How many classes you teach? - depends on your school.

What kind of classes you teach? - depends on your school.

Homestay Family? - depends on your school.

Coteacher's interaction with you? - depends on your school.

None of us ETAs have the same story. From one ETA who teaches 8 classes to another who teaches 25. Oh yeah, you may be teaching over 22 hours a week. Of course, you'll be paid for the extra work, but still. It's overwhelming and intimidating, but once you get into the flow of things, it's doable. You may be lucky that you don't have to create a new lesson for each hour and that you can use the same lesson for all the same grade levels. Unless, you're like me...

Me, being an Elementary ETA who teaches a total of 20 students, with my smallest class being 2 students big and my largest class being 11 students small. Practically creating new lessons at a constant rate. 

Fulbright can prepare you for some of the cultural differences and potential misunderstandings during Orientation. They can also help with your language skills. Oh! And polish some of your teaching skills through workshops and FEP teaching .

But, once you leave Orientation and you're at your placement...your school is who guides you through the rest of your year. You will get tested emotionally, physically, mentally, psychologically, and any other '-ally' that I can't think of right now. 

It is literally like any other job, if I were honest. Your first month at a new job will have you thinking, 'I love this job!' to 'Ugh, why did I take this job?'. When you become a teacher abroad, it's a bit longer than a month. And once you feel at peace with your job, you realize it's been about six months. That is why a lot of people who teach abroad tell you, 'the first six months are the hardest'. 

Probably a little harder than they need to be, but a positive attitude helps you get through the worst of it. How you look at your situations, every single one of them, will shape your experience during your grant year. While a lot of your day to day is dependent on your school, all of it is dependent on you.

Are you going to look at your situation in a negative way, making it worse, or are you going to be positive, and make the best of what you have?

I could be upset that I have to create 22 new lesson plans a week, or I could just take this as an opportunity to show my students more fun ways to learn English.

#SaveOurToya

Rolling With the Punches

One thing about living in Korea, you tend to find things you don't understand.

For example, why do so many changes happen last minute?

It may not be last minute that the change was going to be implemented, but by the time I found out about it, well...it sometimes fell a little bit after last minute. However, it generally happens within five minutes of the impending event. Remember when I got a three-hour long class that originally was supposed to be only 40 mins long? (See post here)

Exactly.

I've contemplated many ways over these last six months on how to better get informed on the on-goings of my school.

One of those ways was asking for the school calendar. It's definitely all in Korean, but sitting down with it, translating it... It's helped loads. I can now initiate conversation with other teachers to ask what's going on for 'XXX' event or have an idea if a class of mine will get cancelled. And as I get more engaged about certain events, the more willing other teachers were to talk to me without prompting.

Whether it was about school or not.

I was getting informed!

Sometimes, even a month in advanced.

It also helped in connecting with the students. When I knew that a field trip was coming up, or a festival competition, I could start asking the kids if they felt ready or prepared for the event. Generally, I also tagged along, but it's more about the bonding before and after the event that were a great way to connect with the other students.

But, best to keep in mind...it doesn't solve all notification problems.

There is still an established culture of changing things up as they organically come up.

In Korea, you really learn to roll with the punches.

#SaveOurToya

Poetry - Reflection

I look at you from across the room and frankly, I don't like you.

You stare at me with dead begging eyes.

Eyes that won't let me look away.

Clutching tightly to the nasty words we hear every day.

How can you look at me like that?

You know why we're here.

Were you hoping for a happy ever after?

Ha!

Please. How many times have we learned

that we don't deserve it?

One? Two?

No.

Try higher.

It's not that we don't try.

We just don't trust.

Many times we try to work things out.

What you hear and what I see.

But it never works.

You're still depressed

And I'm still confused.

Sometimes though....

Things work out,

it gets easier.

Learning Korean

Friends back home must be shook that I took this long to finally write a post about learning Korean. Unlike my language learning in the past, I have no regrets this go around.

That's right, I used to have regrets when it came to learning languages. Or maybe it was more...guilt? 

Look, either way...there were some negative feelings. Even when I was learning French, which I have a degree in. And at some point, the negativity grew so overwhelming, it hindered me from enjoying French. It hindered me from getting better at French.

It kind of just held me down and wouldn't let go.

Even when I tried getting out of the funk by studying ASL. Things seemed like they were going better, but next thing I knew...

NOPE!

I kind of forgot what it meant to learn a new language. Why I enjoyed it so much. 

Until very recently, anyways. I remembered that the point in learning a new language was having fun with it! If you get fixated on the finer details or shy about your ability, you may end up like I did a few years ago.

A rut.

A rut filled with disappointments and a complete lack of motivation.

All-in-all, my French phase was ROUGH.

Which is why I don't want to slip into that same pattern that took the joy out of language engagement when it comes to learning Korean.

Now, my level may be a shaky step from the starting line, but it's a GOOD step. A step forward, and that's all that matters. I'm going to try my damned hardest not to be shy in my Korean. Nor will I be so obsessed on my Korean being perfect.

What matters is the engagement!

Today in class, while others were making sentences like, '만두 맛있어요!'[Dumplings are delicious!], I'm gonna be that student who says, '손 두개 있어요'. [I have two hands.]

I'm going to be the student who is going to try and take what we learned that day and apply it to me and not just reiterate the same old lingo. (Yes, I do have 2 hands. Wild. I know.)

Every new vocabulary word is going to be added to my Quizlet Word Bank. Even if grammar is out the window, mostly because we haven't studied it yet, at least I am gathering the parts together to at least start the puzzle.

I LOVE puzzles by the way.

And sure, maybe sometimes I'll struggle and get shy. 

But hell...

I'm trying, and that's what matters.

#SaveOurToya

A Good Day

Today's been a good day.

For once, I have nothing to say in the matter of negativity. I woke up to fantastic news. I put off breakfast for even better news. And, I actually completed all my errands today.

Let's also not forget that today's Chicken Day.

Today has been so good to me, I wanted to share it with all of you!

Fantastic News: One of my oldest friends is being stationed in Korea starting August. That means...she'll be here all of my second year!

Even Better News: My parents booked their tickets and will be visiting me come May~! No clue how they'll like Korea, but I'm hoping they'll see how well I've adjusted and get to enjoy their time here.

My Errands: Finally able to finish two particular errands that I've been putting off for a week or so now. I even found the post office. I sent letters.

Chicken Day: A day I hang out with a few of the other foreigners in my town and we get to enjoy chicken, good company, a wonderful playlist, and relax!

All-in-all, this Wednesday is my kind of Wednesday.

#SaveOurToya

That time I flooded the apartment

This was NOT my fault.

None. 

All I did was wash my dishes. 

The flood came out of nowhere. 

Well, not nowhere. It came from the pot I just emptied, but I emptied the pot into the sink. Remember, I was washing dishes...minding my own business...not at fault.

Okay, so let me start at the beginning...

I'd just finished eating dinner, a delicious meal of spaghetti. Yes, it was made by yours truly, which means I had dishes to wash. No problem.

Unlike the states, I didn't fill up the sink with water as the sink at my homestay doesn't work that way. All the water was in the pot. So much water. You know, you never realize just how much water a decent-sized pot can hold until you're flooding your kitchen. 

But, I'm getting ahead of myself.

So I washed the small dishes first, putting them on the drying rack, and just being a decent houseguest. When I finally got to the pot, I poured the dirty water out (no flood here) and refilled it with enough to continue cleaning. Now, mind you, this was perhaps the second time I'd done it, and there had been no issue.

But it was the third time that did it. 

It's ALWAYS the third time. 

I just pour the whole thing out, oblivious and innocent as all get out when I hear a weird rushing noise. I don't know why I looked down. It wasn't because my feet were soaked, my house slippers prevented that, and it wasn't like the noise was noticeably coming from below me, I just looked.

And there it was. 

Water coming out from below the sink- okay, fine. From the cabinet below the sink. I rush to pull it open to see where the water was coming from, which also meant more water came running out. For those first five seconds, I was devastated. 

I was about to flood my homestay and my host parents weren't even home. They were out of town for the night and I was flooding their house. Even though it wasn't my fault, I was the one home and the water pipe burst (at least that's what I thought had happened in those five seconds).

After those five seconds, I was able to find the source of the water. 

Apparently, this gigantic thermos had fallen on the hose that connected the sink to where ever sinks are connected too. I mean, besides realizing I would be a horrible plumber, I got scared. How the heck was I supposed to finish the dishes if the hose was disconnected? 

Of course, that's when I realized I could probably just...wiggle the hose back on, right?

Oh, and the water had spread into the dinning area by now.

Executive decision making had me wiggling the hose back on, walking intent-fully to my bathroom (running on wet surfaces are dangerous), grabbed towels and threw them at the water. And by towels, I mean hand towels, because those are towels in Korea. Oh my god, those towels did their best but the water soaked through them so quickly; I had to go back to the bathroom two more times.

By the time I felt even an ounce calmer, I stood in a quiet apartment with a pile of wet towels at my feet, missing a sock, and a sore stomach. Oh! And I still had dishes to finish washing. 

#SaveOurToya