Changes Are Coming

It's been about two months since my anxiety attack over trash. Lots of things have happened since then.

I've been to Jeju for the Fulbright Spring Conference, Sports Day at my school, various Korean holidays, and even, my parents came to visit me.

Each moment has something that I could talk about, but for some reason, I found myself struggling to talk about it. At first, I wasn't sure what's been going on, but my words were lacking.

Which is odd.

In Jeju, I was able to hear the ocean every night as I fell asleep.

At Sports Day, I got many awesome pictures of my students being...well, awesome.

During the Korean holidays, I was able to recharge a bit and hang with friends.

With my parents, I've noticed how much I've changed since I left Florida.

These are all good things with stories tied to them!

And yet...I'm left speechless in the worst of ways.

In roughly one month, my first year in Korea will be finished and I think...that's what's stopping me.

In one month, despite the fact that I'm not leaving, I am still saying goodbye to those who are. With each of them goes a part of Korea that has made my time here so memorable. I've already begun to notice it with others who've left that aren't Fulbrighters.

Things are shifting and changing as the circumstances are.

It makes sense, though.

It does.

And I supposed I could say I'm making peace with it.

Now that I'm being honest with myself, I can see the sadness that's holding my voice back.

Changes are coming and I need to find my new voice for the year.

#SaveOurToya

It's Funny

Funny, but in that ironic sense of way. A few days ago, I was wondering if I should post something before the end of the month, to give March one more post, but thought against it. I don't like posting to just post.

I prefer to have something of sustenance go up. Something that will give me a good insight to what I was thinking about, without having to flex my brain very hard later down the road, wondering what was going through my mind.

Ah, what can I say, I'm lazy and I embrace it. 

Now, back to the irony of it all. 

Yesterday, someone mentioned that they've been meaning to write again, and really wanted to, but just...[insert half arm flail here...you know the one]. 

My response had been not to stress it. A writing piece will come when it comes. 

Not even 24 hours later, and here I am.

Last night, I was faced with a small anxiety attack that made me question why I wanted to stay in Korea for a second year. Holy hell that had been uncomfortable. I felt clamy and discomfort in my own skin. In my own bed. The moment you're uncomfortable in your own bed, is the moment you know you're not doing well.

It was my bed.

The one place I don't have to be anyone. I can just be a blob of exhaustion and still sass people from the tips of my fingers. The bed is a sacred place. 

And yet because of one 아저시, I was in an unsettled place, because of him and my trash. 

It sounds silly, doesn't it?

An anxiety attack because of the fucking trash.

*sigh*

I don't want to invalidate my experience, by saying it shouldn't have happened. That I am embarrassed by such a tumble of emotions to the point that I will discredit my experience. 

It's so hard though!

I'm internally struggling to find a balance between acknowledging what happened and avoiding it. 

Which is probably why I am writing this post now. 

I am acknowledging that my thoughts spiraled downward so fast any Korean would be proud at the speed. I went from, 'taking my trash out!' to 'did that man just grunt at me?' to 'wait, my trash DOESN'T go here? Well, where the hell does it go?' to 'there's no place for my trash, my life is going to turn into a trash dump...literally' to 'fuck, why is this guy such a dick?'. 

And as I was climbing into bed, to fall asleep for the night, bam! 

Anxiety showed it's ugly head.

The only way, I was able to settle down enough to fall into a restless sleep was by giving myself a game plan for the next day. I would go into work, speak to my co-teacher about the trash, and have her call the building owner. I was going to get my confirmation of where to put the stupid trash, so my life won't physically reflect what it sometimes feels like. 

And guess what I found this morning on my way into work.

Exactly.

I went through all of that last night, for basically nothing. 

Oh wait. I think I'm getting ahead of myself a little. 

Remember the 아저시? For those who don't speak Korean, it translates to a man who is between the age of 40 to 60. He was out smoking his cigarette and saw me drop off the trash at the 'not your spot'. I barely looked at him, mostly focused on my audio-book, when I heard random grunting noises over the narrator. I turned around and he starts talking. 

"Do you live in that building? Yes? Then, you can't put your trash here. Your trash site doesn't exist? It's there. Just look around for it. This place is for this building. Not yours. You understand? Good. This is not for your building."

That's pretty much the gist of what he said, as he points around with his cigarette. It was a surreal experience, that I was able to understand as much as I did, not freak out, and was even able to negotiate that I could leave my trash there for the evening.

I, personally, did not understand why it really mattered, it's all going to the same place on the same garbage truck...but anyways, yeah. Negotiating trash location without freaking out, I counted it as a win.

The freaking out was saved for later.

Now, here I am, sitting at work, well aware of where my trash goes, wondering why I wasn't told about the trash spot to begin with? 

Oh wait. I'm a foreigner. 

#SaveOurToya

Spring - 봄

Small confession time.

I submitted a small piece to Infusion, Fulbright Korea's magazine. Per it's about section, "[t]he magazine aims to capture the diversity of the Fulbright Korea experience by publishing work from Fulbright Korea senior scholars, junior researchers, English teaching assistants, and program alumni".

Though I aimed to see my name in print, I'd been offered the opportunity for a web publication. Which is still a fantastic opportunity!

My editor and I worked on my piece I titled "Spring - 봄" for a little over a week. Between our teaching schedules, life schedules, and sleep schedules, we were able to create the piece below. I want to give a special thanks to Kyle, for seeing my piece's potential and helping it bloom.

Unfortunately, it wasn't published online. But that's okay. You win some, you lose some.

However, fortunately for me, I have an online platform that allows me to publish whatever I want.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Springtime is for new beginnings and cleaning up the hot messes you’ve carried through your life the previous year.

As 2019 began to trickle in, I noticed bits of 2018 overflowing into the new year.

And the thing is?

I felt every moment of it.

I'm pretty sure most, if not all of us can summarize 2018 exhaustively as, 'What the what?'

Not to worry, I'm not about to relive 2018. I'm talking about new beginnings, remember? While others are busy spring cleaning and getting ready for the next year, Fulbrighters in Korea are focused on whether they choose to renew or not.

For some of us, the decision is easy, while others struggle. Like the onslaught of pollen, so many thoughts fly around clogging up the path towards decisions we wish to make, and really...we just want to breath again. At the beginning of our grant years, we all came with goals in mind.

As each day gets carried off by the falling leaves, frozen fingers are challenged to keep up with the changing seasons and its new demands. Through our grant year we are tested and we change our minds about our goals, possibly multiple times.

I've spoken with various Fulbrighters in Korea. Some of them have similar stories, whereas others are definitely having a much different experience during this 'should I stay or should I go' period. Just like the beginnings of spring, it's a hot/cold situation. Winter still clinging despite everyone hoping to see flowers bloom and not wear long padding anymore.

A Fulbrighter explained it as a game of Uno when someone plays the Reverse Uno card. In one breath, the decision is going down a steady path, and the next...it's going the complete opposite. It's these moments that we weather out. We talk to our fellow Fulbrighters, we continue having our experiences in Korea without pause. A few of us are at ease during this time, and they are the lucky ones. They get to play an Uno game without many plot twists. The other game that is being played has a multitude of unexpected twists and turns, and there isn't an end in sight until all the cards have been played.

And a decision has been made.

If a Fulbrighter isn't jumping between hot/cold and Reverse cards, then did they really move abroad? Did they truly challenge themselves and commit to being cultural ambassadors?

A Fulbrighter's first year is a year of realizations and new experiences. From humid summer days at Orientation to cool evenings during our first months of teaching to the freezing winds bringing snow, we start to learn more about a country so different from our own.

A country that thrives despite the weather or hardships around them. Just like a Fulbrighter.

As snow melts and the cherry blossoms touch the sky, we begin to make our final decisions. The decision that will outline the next three hundred and sixty-five days of our revolving lives.

Do we stay for a second year, and deepen our bond with Korea?

Do we stay for a third?

Do we switch programs, because we just completed our third year and aren't ready to leave yet?

Do we stay calm, because the decision was never really a problem to begin with?

Or do we go home, and see what happens next?

So, perhaps Spring time isn't just about new beginnings, but for the hope of something more.

And maybe that’s something worth carrying into the Summer.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

There you have it. My first adventure into being published (not on my blog). Tell me your thoughts. What did you think about Spring? Could you move across the world for a year? What would you do in Korea if you could visit? Would you stay for a second or third year? Don't be shy!

And as always,

#SaveOurToya

Fourth Point

At some point during our Orientation period, we were told to find our 'fourth point'. Something that had nothing to do with teaching and more along the lines of doing something that interests you. A version of 'self-care' without out-right saying 'self-care'. It's a good concept, but it takes forever to find something to be your 'fourth point'.

At least to me, it did.

And the reason why I don't call it Self-Care (without the quotations marks), is the simple fact that you don't HAVE to have a fourth point during your grant year. But I am of the strong opinion, highly recommended, 10 out of 10 on Yelp, that Self-care is a must.

You need to take care of you, live for you, be for you. Taking a step away from Adulting and the pressures that you find yourself stuck under is a breath of fresh air that actually helps you more than sticking it out.

My Fourth Point never turned into learning a traditional Korean instrument or practicing my Korean. Or going swing dancing. (And yes, these are all versions of Fourth Points currently happening.)

My Fourth Point can be boiled down to three brilliant women who have made my grant year something one of a kind. Somehow, in all the confusion, joy, depression, amusement, anxiety, [insert adjectives here], I've been able to find a quiet joy.

Does that sound underwhelming to you?

Maybe.

But to me, it means more than I can ever put a price to. By the end of our grant year, I'm not sure what I'll do as my new Fourth Point as we all start the next part of our lives. While I am sad that two of three will be returning home, I am so proud of all of them and their continued journeys.

From Grad School to traveling to LSATs to a 2nd Fulbright Grant year.

There's so much I want to say to the three of you and I don't even know where to start.

To Tae: I know that you'll be staying a second year, which is why you're getting the first shout-out. To be honest, I don't even remember what connected us at Orientation, but I don't really care anymore. Whatever it may have been, I'm so thankful for it. You leave me in awe, Tae. The decision for law school and the LSATs...just, wow! I know it wasn't easy picking what you were you doing next, but you finally did it. You have such a caring heart and wonderful outlook on the world. I know that where ever you end up within the Justice System, they'll be lucky to have you.

To Julia: Mokpo was hella cold and you were hella sick, but still took the time to have lunch with us and hosted us for dinner. If that doesn't describe how fantastic you are, I'm at a loss. The bond we share is one-of-a-kind, if I were to be Frank. With you, I feel that I can just...be me. It leaves me in a delicate balance of vulnerability, but also safety. I'm thankful to you for letting me see this side of myself. Travel well, I cannot wait to see your pictures!

To Anni: I don't know how you do it, Anni. I really don't. It may be your dimples that get compliments, but it's really your soul that should receive praise. The amount of care I have seen you put to situations that I would disregard has left me in various states of confusion, amusement, exasperation, and fondness. Despite how your care for others may hinder you, you still don't change your ways. Some may call it stubbornness or self-destructive, but the way I see it, it's pure. Pure in that I knew I could rely on you when I needed someone during a very shaky time. It's a characteristic that will make you an amazing teacher. Have a great time in grad school!

There's so much more I can say to the three of you, but I'm going to leave it here.

No wait. That's a lie. One last thing.

Thank you for inviting me to your homestays and getting me out of Geochang. Yes, I'm "small town living", especially compared to the three of you, but it suits me. I'm a creature of habit, after all. I would not have settled in as well to Korea, if it weren't for you three forcing my hand and getting out of Geochang.

My Fourth Point = priceless.

#SaveOurToya

Undermining

In Korea, it's important in saving face. It shows respect to those around you that you keep potentially embarrassing conversations out of the ears of others.

I have mixed feelings about it, as I tend to confront situations head on, but I do my best to respect Korean culture. I am a guest of the culture. Not my place to say anything. Sometimes, people wait to tell me something, or they'll say it right then. I'm fine with either way.

Except when it undermines my authority as a teacher.

Then I just get pissed off.

I have established an "English Hour" in one of the many classes my fifth and sixth graders get to see me. It isn't even a full hour. Classes run for 40 mins, and I usually wait five minutes into class before establishing the English Hour rules. So really, these kids have 35 minutes where they have to only speak English. I didn't think I was asking for much.

I've had many language teachers pull that out on me at all levels of language acquisition. And my 5th and 6th graders have had 2 to 3 years of English education by now.

And yet...when another teacher subbed in for their usual homeroom teacher, she not only spoke Korean to them during that time (despite usually speaking more English...?), she confronted me in front of the class that and "English Hour" is too challenging for them.

What? Does she think moving to a whole new country where you don't speak the language and then have to teach a subject that is not in your area of expertise is easy? Do my students think it's easy for me to have a language barrier in all aspects of my life while in Korea?

Spoilers, it's not. I've had to adapt and adjust as needed. I've learned key Korean phrases. I've had improve my non-verbal speaking skills. I've had to stay respectful to those I would've snapped at months ago. I've had to find a new balance for the sake of my sanity. I've faced more fears living in Korea these last 9 months than I've had in the states.

English Hour is not only a place to indirectly test the students in their knowledge, but also to help them develop other acquisition skills when words FAIL them. Have them draw what they're trying to say. Have them use their body as an instrument of language. Use other words to say the word you don't know. Hell, ask to use my phone for google translate.

Anything, as long as it's not in Korean.

And yet...

...my students still speak Korean. The teachers don't respect my request for English only.

It's frustrating, but it's a fact. One that I'll have to work with throughout the year. I am hopeful that I can get some if not more than half of my students respecting my English Hour request. It'll just take time.

#SaveOurToya

The Gendering

(Warning: foul language thanks to the patriarchy, and an abundance of Captain Holt gifs from Brooklyn Nine-Nine)

Amidst the recent news of male K-Pop celebrities and their criminalizing actions, I feel an overwhelming amount of rage, frustration, and irritation. Which sucks! I'd much rather be writing my blog about my conference in Taipei, Taiwan, but instead here I am telling you that I feel as if everything is garbage. 

I'm not going to go into the details about the current K-Pop trash that's happening as the full story has yet to be released; however, knowing that one of the idols that brought me into the realm of K-Pop did such disgusting actions has left me betrayed.

And perhaps that's why I had to hold myself from snapping at my coteacher today. I was so raw from the news last night that I couldn't handle hearing, "it's too hard for girl students to play [soccer] with boy students".

I'm sorry, Fuck that noise. 

I will not be apologetic for believing that my girl students are just as capable as my boy students. All of my students have the potential to play soccer with anyone in this school. 

Don't get me wrong, I did want to rearrange my students within my English Soccer class, but not for that shit reason. Last week, I noticed a distinct lack of interest in my girl students. They didn't really want to play soccer, and I understand that. Sometimes, you don't want to play a sport. I remember more than enough times back in P.E. when I hated the gym activity and just made the motions. 

I can't say what drove their lack of interest in soccer, and maybe it's because the class is boy-dominated and some (one - and you know the one) of the students play dirty. Maybe they hate soccer or doing sports. 

Either way, what I saw was a lack of skill in the sport. Therefore, I would rather have placed my fifth grade girls with the 3rd and 4th graders, simply so the skill set was matched. And my 5th grade boys would go with my 6th grade boys (its this group that's usually playing soccer after lunch anyways). 

Now that I have my class divided on the premise that "it's too hard for girl students to play [soccer] with boy students", I feel irritated at my school. 

At my teachers. 

At my students. 

I know! I know its not their fault.

It's the fault of their socialization within a society that reinforces girls being soft, delicate, and precious as children and as adults, they're seen for their usefulness to their male-counterparts. I weep at the thought of not being able to express my frustrations to my school. 

Am I giving up before I even started?

No. 

What I recognize is that talking to my coteacher or even the administration won't get the point across. Unfortunately. Instead, I'm going to work with my students directly and empower them. Language barrier there may be, but a good cheerleader I am. (3-ish years as a cheerleader before I switched to 9-ish years of playing soccer.) 

Sure, the point is about teaching English through the use of soccer, but I can also show them they have it all within them. I may doubt my teaching ability from time to time, but rarely do I doubt my ability to stand with someone. 

Today, I stand with my students. Not to say "you're wrong!", but to say "you can do it!"

#SaveOurToya

It Goes With Saying

During a discussion about what to get for my school while on a business trip to Taiwan, I accidentally read my friend's message wrong.

What the message said: Yeah, that should be enough.

What I read: You should be enough.

For a hot minute I felt a profound sense of happiness overcome me to the point I almost started blushing in happiness. However, my brain quickly corrected that interpretation.

Silly me, for reading that wrong.

When I told my friend what happened, they told me 'that goes without saying'.

Between calculating how much money I would need to exchange and whether I was an idiot for leaving my American credit card at home, I began to think if phrases like 'you should be enough' truly do go without saying? Could it be that this unspoken norm has damaged society over the years?

Has it damaged me?

I mean, let's think about it.

In its most simplest form, hearing good things about you isn't a bad thing. I would say it's a good thing. For a few seconds there, I felt good about myself. But then, that part of me that doesn't believe in myself, automatically reread my friend's statement and I realized I read wrong. I wasn't being complimented. The amount of money I wanted to exchange was being complimented.

-sigh-

I don't want to weigh my self-worth on the amount of compliments I've received, because it isn't about what other's see in me. It's about what I see in me, but when I'm not sure what it is I should be seeing, a second opinion never hurts.

Until it does.

Being in Korea, I've had my weight made fun of. My skin color has been labelled as dirty. My hair characterized as wild.

The only compliments I've received were in the area of my acne clearing up and my voice sounding like a movie star.

Whereas in the states, I was praised on my work ethic and ability to be empathetic. It's no surprise that I consider these two qualities as my strongest? In fact, I went and got a Master's Degree where I could combine them as a career option for myself.

My quick thinking and adaptability made me competent on the soccer field. My coach and other teammates told me that they liked how I played. After nine years, I'm not the last pick when I play a soccer pick-up game. In fact, my mother told me that had I had the heart in the sport, I probably would be on a professional team. And if I was on a professional team, you know damn well that I would go for a national team.

Just saying.

Would I have gone down a different path had I been complimented in other areas? If my passion would've been stoked more toward soccer or if I had been told my math skills were fantastic as well, instead of teaching English, I could be a professional soccer player who does research within the areas of sociological diligence.

Unfortunately, the past cannot be changed.

What I do have control over is my present and my future.

I have begun complimenting myself when I come across situations that make me uneasy or my anxiety holds me hostage. And good lord are those compliments hard to say, but that's when I need to hear them the most.

I can't rely on someone else to praise me. I need to believe more in myself anyway.

Remember when I mentioned I was going to Taiwan for a workshop? Here are some truths that I've been trying to overcome these last two months in preparation for Taiwan.

1. Many times I wanted to decline going. I do not think I will make a good impression due to all my nerves. I'm making things burdensome for my school.

2. Many times I felt financially unbalanced. In my goal to save money this year, I've been hit with a few purchases in the last month that has left me not meeting my target goals. And while I'm not paying for a majority of this trip, I still worry that I'll spend more money than I need too.

3. Many times I had to remind myself to be social while in Taiwan. I wouldn't say that I am at hermit levels of being social, I still tend to shy away from large crowds or being social at a normal level. I've been working hard on this, but I still have my backslides. I didn't want one to happen while in Taiwan.

4. Many times I needed to tell myself that I earned this opportunity. And while I'm not sure what part of my Fulbright profile made me qualify for this opportunity, something stood out to the Commission. I just only wish I knew what it was.

It was during these many times that I would tell myself a compliment.

1. I am smart.

2. I am strong.

3. I am amazing.

4. I am worthy.

Each time, it got easier to get through the negative. My voice got firmer.

It goes without saying?

No. It goes with saying.

#SaveOurToya

Saturdays

I can still remember a time when Saturdays were about lazy wake-ups, family breakfast, and catching my favorite Saturday morning cartoons. There had even been the odd day where I could slip back into bed and catch a few more minutes of sleep before I would be reprimanded into Saturday Cleaning Day fun.

Unfortunately, those Saturdays no longer exist for me. I can't remember when things started to change, or if it's even finished changing. What I do know is that on this sleepless Saturday morning, while walking to my Korean lesson, I made a realization on a matter I've been avoiding since elementary school. At some point during those formative years, I had begun lying to myself. One of the best well-kept known secrets.

This wake up call came while I was in the process of walking by a group of men this morning and did not feel threatened. Now, I cannot speak for all women (cis or trans), but many of us share an unwanted understanding. This awareness that we share is that a group of men does not equal safe. It doesn't matter if we are with friends or walking on the opposite side of the street. Too often have we heard of our sisters being targeted simply for trying to exist.

Rape culture is alive and thriving in this man's world where women are seen more as a way to improve a reputation than a person.

Another human-being.

So yeah. We understand each other's fear.

But this morning, as I walked by this group of men, that fear could not be found. It wasn't because I suddenly felt a sense of womanly empowerment. Or the fact that Korea has felt safer to me than a time in the states. No, fear was no where to be found.

What I felt instead was my anxiety questioning if any of them found me even remotely worth looking at outside of my clearly foreign features. If I was even remotely worth attacking.

Let me say that again.

If I was even remotely worth attacking.

The wave of anger and disappointment that overcame me when I registered what I had just thought was so heavy, I had to sit down. I slipped into the nearest cafe and found a seat. I could ask myself if I lost my damn mind as many times as I wanted, but I wouldn't have been able to answer.

Because there it was.

The secret that has always been there, but I've managed to avoid in an almost comical routine as I pushed through the day. I finally confronted my unspoken secret on the second floor of an Ediya cafe, two hours before my Korean lesson on a Saturday morning.

My lack of self-esteem, my self-worth...they were no longer a secret.

I don't know how this may change me, now that I'm acknowledging what I lack. Maybe I'll find that empowerment or perhaps my self-esteem will get at least a little boost?

Who really knows?

#SaveOurToya

To My Precious Sixth Graders

Though our time was short, I have seen each of you grow in different ways. I'm very sad that we won't be able to spend more time together, but I wish you the very best! I only ask that you always try in your English classes! Right or wrong, just try. You can do it, I believe in you! 화이팅~!

영어선생님이에요

Today my Vice Principal told me my teaching style has greatly improved. In fact, she said I deserve a certificate for being a real teacher.

And yet...I have mixed feelings about this statement...

One is joyful and the other one is resentful.

I'm well aware that I wasn't exactly a teacher when I first started out back in September. Before then, I'd taught only two classes with another English teacher. Outside of that, I've only given presentations to my peers (woo, class presentations~!). So, to hear that I've improved is fantastic!

But...why didn't she give me any tips or suggestions on how to get better?

Yes, I have a TEFL and TESOL certificate that say I am qualified to teach English to non-English speakers, but let's be honest...attending classes, drafting lesson plans, reading methodologies...theory is one thing, and the practical is a whole other beast.

Some days I struggled, other days I was able to keep my head over the water. There were even some days that I could stand in the water with confidence. Those first six months were rough, but they were doable. I'm proud that I was able to achieve what I have.

But...a little help would've been great. Not going to lie. Especially since I never really knew what I needed to ask to improve. Knowing what I do now, it was getting to know the students and having them know me. It was through this process that I was able to figure out what kind of teacher I was.

I connect with my students by being silly with them. I get my students improving by sticking to a routine. Heck, even the usage of my minimal Korean has shown my students that as they try to learn my language, I'm also learning their's. I kid you not, the second I told them to get out their 공책, they not only flipped out, they got more attentive.

Did I have to learn Korean to be a better teacher? Maybe. For the position that I am in, at the school that I am in, it did make me a better teacher. Had my circumstances been different, it may not have been what made me "better".

What did make me a better teacher was the amount of time I've put in for my students and for myself. I feel that at the beginning, I'd only been doing half of that. I was putting in too much effort for one of those, and it was hurting me. Until I figured out my balance, I wasn't doing anyone any good. Not my students, and definitely not me.

Six months to get comfortable in a new land.

Six months of teaching young children to first get comfortable with English.

Six months from when I left everything that I knew.

I can now say, with confidence, I am an English teacher.

영어선생님이에요.

#SaveOurToya