It's a struggle being constantly on.
I never stop smiling
I never stop laughing
I just never stop.
Sometimes, I don't even know why I'm happy.
Have you ever stopped
and thought about it?
Why am I happy?
Why did that make me smile?
It's a struggle being constantly on.
I never stop smiling
I never stop laughing
I just never stop.
I've been on for so long,
I don't even remember what it's like being off.
I imagine there's an inner peace,
cradling me in its arms,
whispering softly that everything was gonna be okay.
That I don't have to try so hard
that I can just drift along
and leave my worries outside my four walls.
It's a struggle being constantly on.
I never stop smiling
I never stop laughing
I just never stop.
I want to say that there was a time
when 'on' read as 'off'
and I didn't have to fight my reflection.
It's a struggle being constantly on.
I never stop smiling
I never stop laughing
I just never stop.
Do you know what it means
to constantly be at odds with your Self?
All I want to do is sleep
and know why I laugh.
But every time I try,
pulling my strength from pools
I didn't even know,
something- someONE
steps in my way
And I'm still running,
running,
running- Where am I running?
I don't know.
My legs are tired.
My laugh is tired.
I am tired.
It's a struggle being constantly on.
I never stop smiling
I never stop laughing
I just never stop.
Showing posts with label Orlando. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Orlando. Show all posts
31 December, 2018
09 November, 2018
The Aftereffects
Trigger Warning: mass shootings, feelings being validated, emotional rambling on triggering topic
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Nose clogging.
Throat throbbing.
Eyes watering.
Head aching.
And yet, its the latest news about a mass shooting in a California bar that is making it hard for me to breath. Guys, I don't know where this naive thought came from, but for whatever reason, I thought that once I came to Korea, I'd stop hearing about shootings.
No more heart stopping news.
No more breath quickening to painful levels.
No more.
Joke's on me, I guess.
I'm recovering from a fever right now, not having the most comfortable of week, and it pales in comparison to how I feel.
I am well aware that the topic of mass shootings is a sensitive topic for me. The fact that a fellow Fulbrighter had asked how to broach the topic of mass shootings in America for their Korean students had me tensing, sweating, and breath quickening. It was hint enough that this was a topic that triggered me.
And here's what I recognize.
This is something I need to work through, but I'm not ready to talk nor do I know where to begin. Do I start with the school drills I learned in school for whenever there was a shooter on campus? Or do I start with the attempted mass shooting at my university during my undergrad days? Or the false alarm during grad school? What about Pulse? Parkland?
I keep having to stop typing. My fingers keep stalling.
During the recovery in Orlando after Pulse, I heard from various sources that it's okay to feel what you feel. That your feelings are valid.
That my feelings are valid.
But...maybe its because I'm not surrounded by the community that knew what it was like, or because I've been lulled into a bubble of safety since moving here, but its been getting harder to stay steady whenever I hear about a shooting.
Of all the things to have to prepare myself for with my move, finding support for moments like these was not something I thought I had to do.
I'm working through these emotions, I am.
But it's not easy....hell, writing this post was not easy. I mentioned that I had to stop typing many times. My fingers were literally tensing and causing me to hit the wrong keys. It doesn't help that my thoughts are all over the place and stringing one thought together was so hard.
Partly because of the fever, but mostly because of this topic.
This post was/is more for me than it was for you, I admit. An attempt at putting it all down. Granted, I'm doing better now than I did when I first started this post.
If only it were that easy to move past this.
#SaveOurToya
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Nose clogging.
Throat throbbing.
Eyes watering.
Head aching.
And yet, its the latest news about a mass shooting in a California bar that is making it hard for me to breath. Guys, I don't know where this naive thought came from, but for whatever reason, I thought that once I came to Korea, I'd stop hearing about shootings.
No more heart stopping news.
No more breath quickening to painful levels.
No more.
Joke's on me, I guess.
I'm recovering from a fever right now, not having the most comfortable of week, and it pales in comparison to how I feel.
I am well aware that the topic of mass shootings is a sensitive topic for me. The fact that a fellow Fulbrighter had asked how to broach the topic of mass shootings in America for their Korean students had me tensing, sweating, and breath quickening. It was hint enough that this was a topic that triggered me.
And here's what I recognize.
This is something I need to work through, but I'm not ready to talk nor do I know where to begin. Do I start with the school drills I learned in school for whenever there was a shooter on campus? Or do I start with the attempted mass shooting at my university during my undergrad days? Or the false alarm during grad school? What about Pulse? Parkland?
I keep having to stop typing. My fingers keep stalling.
During the recovery in Orlando after Pulse, I heard from various sources that it's okay to feel what you feel. That your feelings are valid.
That my feelings are valid.
But...maybe its because I'm not surrounded by the community that knew what it was like, or because I've been lulled into a bubble of safety since moving here, but its been getting harder to stay steady whenever I hear about a shooting.
Of all the things to have to prepare myself for with my move, finding support for moments like these was not something I thought I had to do.
I'm working through these emotions, I am.
But it's not easy....hell, writing this post was not easy. I mentioned that I had to stop typing many times. My fingers were literally tensing and causing me to hit the wrong keys. It doesn't help that my thoughts are all over the place and stringing one thought together was so hard.
Partly because of the fever, but mostly because of this topic.
This post was/is more for me than it was for you, I admit. An attempt at putting it all down. Granted, I'm doing better now than I did when I first started this post.
If only it were that easy to move past this.
#SaveOurToya
06 July, 2018
The Nerves are Here
Oh my gaaaawwwwdddd.
I'm so energized that I can't even sleep. I got maybe, maybe, 3 hours of sleep. And all because I fell asleep watching TV (I seriously need to rewatch that episode of GoT).Waking up on the couch was really startling.
So yes. Energized with a sleepless-ish night!
*takes a deep breath*
I leave for the airport in 6 hours...
...it's almost here and I'm feeling all the emotions. Excitement-anxiety. Happiness-fear. Joy-sad.
The only emotion I'm not feeling is anger. There's no room for that hot mess.
It's five am, I could be do something more productive than trolling on Facebook while listening to showtunes. I mean, I just have a few small things left to pack and that's only because I need them to get ready in the morning.
Sorry for the disjointed thoughts here. I'm a bit all over right now!
#SaveOurToya
I'm so energized that I can't even sleep. I got maybe, maybe, 3 hours of sleep. And all because I fell asleep watching TV (I seriously need to rewatch that episode of GoT).Waking up on the couch was really startling.
So yes. Energized with a sleepless-ish night!
*takes a deep breath*
I leave for the airport in 6 hours...
...it's almost here and I'm feeling all the emotions. Excitement-anxiety. Happiness-fear. Joy-sad.
The only emotion I'm not feeling is anger. There's no room for that hot mess.
It's five am, I could be do something more productive than trolling on Facebook while listening to showtunes. I mean, I just have a few small things left to pack and that's only because I need them to get ready in the morning.
Sorry for the disjointed thoughts here. I'm a bit all over right now!
#SaveOurToya
05 July, 2018
Bye Bye UCF
It is 7:46am as I write this post and all because this morning, it really hit me. 😕
This is my last day at the University of Central Florida. I've been here for so long (7 years!) that it's kind of surreal. In the summer of 2011, I started working part time in the College of Sciences' Dean's Office. In the fall, I started undergrad. A year later, I was working full-time and going to school. By 2016, I had my B.A. and started graduate school, while still being employed at the university.
I've worked in three separate and vastly different departments on campus. And from each area, did I learn something new about myself.
These last seven years...I really can't put a word to it. I am thankful and honored for all of the people who I've met and while some of the experiences were less than ideal, I am better for it. There are so many people I want to give shout-outs to, but you all know who you are. If we've ever interacted, even as little as 'hi', thank you!
Now, it is July 2018, I am a two-time graduate of UCF, about to move abroad, and am only 24 years old. I think I'm doing this 'adulting' thing right. We can compare notes^^
It's been an adventure UCF, but gurl bye. 😘
#SaveOurToya
This is my last day at the University of Central Florida. I've been here for so long (7 years!) that it's kind of surreal. In the summer of 2011, I started working part time in the College of Sciences' Dean's Office. In the fall, I started undergrad. A year later, I was working full-time and going to school. By 2016, I had my B.A. and started graduate school, while still being employed at the university.
I've worked in three separate and vastly different departments on campus. And from each area, did I learn something new about myself.
These last seven years...I really can't put a word to it. I am thankful and honored for all of the people who I've met and while some of the experiences were less than ideal, I am better for it. There are so many people I want to give shout-outs to, but you all know who you are. If we've ever interacted, even as little as 'hi', thank you!
Now, it is July 2018, I am a two-time graduate of UCF, about to move abroad, and am only 24 years old. I think I'm doing this 'adulting' thing right. We can compare notes^^
It's been an adventure UCF, but gurl bye. 😘
#SaveOurToya
04 July, 2018
Not Goodbye, but See You Later
This morning, I had the chance to drop my parents off at the airport. They're on their way to a 3 week vacation in Germany. I'm totally excited for them and miss the Fatherland quite a bit, but this trip will be good for them. They work so hard and do so much! It's their time to relax and recuperate. Hopefully one day I can make it back to Germany too.
And while this wasn't the first time I was sending them off, it was the first time that I'm sending them off where I won't see them for almost a year again. I was okay, until Ma started crying.
Dad (to me): Why are you crying? Stop that.
Me: It's mom's fault!
Mom: I don't regret a single tear!
Me: *chocked sob*
Dad: This is what you want to do. You're gonna be great!
Me (wiping away tears): I know!
Mom (sniffles): Be a good girl and have fun!
If this isn't an accurate representation of what it's like to be with my parents, I don't know what is. Well...actually, there are a few more examples. BUT! This is what they all come down too.
It would've been better if my older brother was there too, but he's not exactly accessible from Florida. But the four of us, we're gonna be okay. I'll be okay.
This opportunity is my journey to take, but I know that while I won't see them, my family will still support me.
#SaveOurToya
And while this wasn't the first time I was sending them off, it was the first time that I'm sending them off where I won't see them for almost a year again. I was okay, until Ma started crying.
Dad (to me): Why are you crying? Stop that.
Me: It's mom's fault!
Mom: I don't regret a single tear!
Me: *chocked sob*
Dad: This is what you want to do. You're gonna be great!
Me (wiping away tears): I know!
Mom (sniffles): Be a good girl and have fun!
If this isn't an accurate representation of what it's like to be with my parents, I don't know what is. Well...actually, there are a few more examples. BUT! This is what they all come down too.
It would've been better if my older brother was there too, but he's not exactly accessible from Florida. But the four of us, we're gonna be okay. I'll be okay.
This opportunity is my journey to take, but I know that while I won't see them, my family will still support me.
#SaveOurToya
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