Know Your Limits

Wildberry Smoothie with Pearls~

If it's one thing this picture doesn't show, it's that quite recently I made a decision for my mental health. And no, it wasn't buying the drink. 

Not completely, anyways.

I rarely talk about this, but a few years ago I was on the road to becoming a functioning alcoholic. I never reached a point that the first thing I drank was alcohol and ended my day on alcohol, but I was definitely falling into the category of becoming reliant on it when I got overwhelmed.

And a few years ago, I had a lot and nothing going on that it was quite common to see rum or tequila filling up one of my glasses. I even had moonshine in the house, at some point. Naturally, if I'm gonna be an alcoholic I'm gonna do it right.

But here's the thing, I caught myself and forced my way out of the bad habits I was developing. I went sober for a long time after that. It wasn't easy, but I managed it. 

These days, I still don't drink. I may partake in something small with a friend or on special occasions. My main rule, never drink when I'm upset, overwhelmed, feeling negative in any way.

Yesterday, I wanted a drink so bad because of a situation I found myself, I realized that something needed to change in my life.

Immediately.

This was a sign that my mental health was standing on the edge of a mountain and looking at the trees below with the babbling brook and majestic waterfall in the distance.

Last night, I could almost taste my homemade rum punch and how it would dance with my taste buds to make my day better. I could hear the ice clinking in my glass. I could see how the rum and mango/passion fruit juice mixed together in a sweet temptation. I could smell that tropical getaway in a glass yesterday and I was scared.

How could a situation have gotten so out of hand that I was back to this?

Small things, that's how.

But you know what? Despite where I found myself, I knew what I had to do. I needed to take myself out of the situation.

Was it easy?

No.

Did I still try?

Yes.

And I'm glad I did, because within 24 hours, a solution was found. These coming weeks, I might still teeter on the edge, wanting to drink and get through it without having to put in the effort. But I can't do that.

I can't.

I need to process it, clear headed and with my own strength.

This is why it's important to speak up. Yes, it's terrifying. Maybe some would say a sign of weakness, admitting you need help.

But isn't it a sign of strength facing your fears and weaknesses head on?

The decision that was made wasn't just me, it was those I consider honored to know who helped me come to a solution. They asked me questions, they helped me craft my wording, supported me before I even knew I needed help standing tall.

It may have been my mental health that told me my crown was slipping, but it was my people who helped steady it.

#SaveOurToya

Can You Not?

I feel like it's been years since I've written a happy post. Which is preposterous...this blog came alive in May. It's barely been six months. And yet...this feeling persists.

So, what brings me back for my latest update?

Christmas carols.

I bet you didn't see that coming.

And yes, I know, Thanksgiving hasn't come and gone yet, but here we are anyways.

My school is hosting a festival of sorts on 11/22 (yes, Thanksgiving day), and I was asked last month to get the kids ready to sing an English song.

My reaction: Um...okay? What song?

Now, take a moment to be in my shoes. It's been some odd years since I was in Elementary School. But, I'm pretty sure we never had a festival. Maybe a Christmas pageant, but even then...it was all done in one language that a majority (if not all) of the students spoke. I was so lost on what the school was looking for.

Teacher mode flipped on and I decided that I wanted to find an easy song that also ties in the season (making decisions like a boss). I landed on, 'We Wish You a Merry Christmas'. Side note, did you know it was considered a Thanksgiving song back in the day? I didn't. And! There was a readily available ESL version. I was gonna have them all do an A Cappella version, like Christmas carolers. Being able to slide in a cultural piece, beautiful, right?

Well, I was told they needed to do more.

Brah...you want them to do two English songs?

And you want them to do Let It Go?

Somehow, I was able to scale the song back to them only having to sing a 30-second part of the song. The "easiest" part I could find.

They got it down with some struggles, but its good. Timing may be off a smidge, but they know the words.

Phew. Okay, easy breathing.

They're still struggling with We Wish You a Merry Christmas, but they're getting the hang of it. Slowly.

Mostly okay breathing, then.

This morning, when we did a final rehearsal, I was so proud of them. I sat in front of them and mouthed the words, but they did it! The whole way through without me having to fix pronunciation. Word order is still a bit off, but the pronunciation was good!

I even did a little happy squeal afterwards. That's how happy I was!

However...

The VP didn't approve...not completely. She wants to add music or a piano in the background to the song. And her reasoning, 'the timing is off'.

Honey, it's not the timing. It's their confidence in the words. It's an English song with words like 'figgy pudding' and 'good tidings' in it. And now, when they're finally getting the hang of the song, you want to introduce a piano to freak them out even more?

No.

Also, I told her I wanted to do the song in a traditional caroling way. Aka, no music, just voices.

But instead of respecting the culture that I'm introducing to your students, school, community, you'd rather add a piano because it'll make you feel better?

No.

I've recognized that for many people at the school, saying 'no' is hard to do. And sometimes, it is for me too, not wanting to disrespect them, their teaching experience, and their culture. All I ask, is the same be afforded to me.

And when it isn't...in what language do you want me to say 'no'. I got five I can give you, right here, right now.

Here's the other thing...why am I constantly told, "respect the Korean culture", when the same is not told to the workplace that has requested a foreign teacher to respect the foreigner's culture? Do they not get a training session on what to do when you have a foreigner in your office?

Perhaps this is my own privilege/entitlement coming out right now...I definitely can see how foreigners back home can feel intimidated, startled, uncomfortable, and coerced with a few words. This is definitely a learning moment for myself for when I get back home.

Moral of the story, I'm irritated. This isn't the first time I've been put in an uncomfortable situation due to cultural differences, but it is the first time I've had enough and won't let it slide.

#SaveOurToya

Curious whether I'm about to burn a bridge with the VP or not, hit the 'FOLLOW' button to find out!

Those Little...

You ever get so frustrated to the point of wanting to cry, but you can't because you're just so angry?

As of right now, I'm not sure what's going on anymore. I'm pretty sure common sense has been forcibly thrown out the window and children are having run of the town...uh, school.

How else can all the crap that has happened...well, happen?

These kids need a whole lot of stability and consequences.

These kids need a super nanny.

But what these kids have is baby-glove-consequences.

And me.

And I don't know about those baby-glove-consequences, but I'm ready to do this. These kids can either act right, or go down to the Staff room and tell the adults why I sent them. Hell, I might even go over to Daiso, find myself some nice stationary, so I can write down the truth (because I can't trust them to tell them why they were sent), and then tell the student to go bring it to the VP.

"Today, I told the teacher she'll die."

"Today, I told a student if they wanted to die."

"I'd rather scream across the classroom than listen to the teacher."

"I decided to assault another student."

This list could go on.

No, really...it can.

I don't know about other English teachers abroad, but is this common behavior in your classes? I can only speak of my own teaching experiences and what I remember from when I was in school. I can never remember things getting so OUT OF HAND...

And back in the states, we had a whole list of consequences. There was no tolerance for violence in school.

Detention.

In-school suspension.

Out-of-school suspension.

Expulsion.

You can ask me if these things exist at this school, and I can honestly tell you that only one does...and its explusion.

Listen. I understand when things go bad, you want to get rid of the problem. And sometimes, that's what you have to do. But before you do that, you have to work with the problem. And I mean actually work with the problem.

Not just hope for the best.

For good behavior, reward it.

For bad behavior, acknowledge it and work through it. Together.

Clearly, a kid has anger issues. And clearly, many of the students don't know how to express themselves without getting physical, period.

So...less baby gloves and more actually helping these kids.

At this point, you might be wondering, "Damn Toya, that's a good point. But what are you doing to make a difference in these kids lives?"
Fair question, Fam.

And I'm not saying that I'll hold a culture class titled, 'mad, black woman' and teach them the ins and outs of where that stereotype came from, but these kids will learn something new about me.

I've already instilled my 'heads down' policy. I only use it when it gets too loud and no one is listening. Today, all I wanted them to do was write their vocabulary words. Instead, I had shouting across the classroom and students not staying in their seats. Three minutes in, I had had enough. Yesterday, a student assaulted another student with some scissors. This child could've been very badly hurt. Thankfully, there's only a few scratches. I have no idea what started that altercation or who said what, but frankly...it shouldn't have gotten that far to begin with.

That's why, three minutes in, heads down was activated. But, it was a little different than normal...

I put a touch of...'if ya'll don't put cho'heads down r'ght now, I'mma give you a reason ta be screamin' across this room' into my tone. It was the quickest I've ever seen them shut up and quiet down.

Oh ho ho, Toya-teacher don't play.

And what a wonderful lesson to learn!

That being said...

I'm about to go teach a class with all of my students in it, so that's roughly twenty students, and it's to practice singing an English song for the festival next week. And we both know, things are about to get wild.

#SaveOurToya

If you wanna keep up with the shenangians that are...well, my students at this point...go ahead and hit the 'follow' button on the right! And if something spoke to you at all during this post, please don't hesitate to leave a comment!

화이팅 (in More Ways than One)

Many of you have reached out to me, sharing your love and positivity during a time I wasn't able to do the same for myself. That is why this post is for you.

To you, who made me smile when I couldn't muster one up myself.

To you, who reminded me that I'm not alone.

To you, who talked me through my thoughts.

To you, who stood beside me.

To you, who listened.

To you, who cared.

To you...

I give you my thanks, my appreciation, and my affection. I know that many of you have your own problems that you're working through. And they are by no means less than someone else's. So, the fact that you took time to reach out means more to me than I can ever express. Know that if you need a willing ear or just someone to talk to, I am here for you.

Without hesitation.

#SaveOurToya

The Mini-Break

During my hiatus, I thought a lot about my status of renewing my contract or not. We had October 3rd off for 개천절. And thank goodness that we did, because I was emotionally dead by that point.

It's why I was thinking about renewing my contract. It got real rough at work.

Given, I've been here for a short time in the grand scheme, and it's not something I need to make decision about now.

But.

My thoughts still wandered and I decided to give it some serious thought. Especially since I was on a hiatus and was taking the time to care for myself. Ignoring my thoughts or feelings is the exact opposite of what I told myself I needed to do.

Now, as many of you know, I want to do all three years with Fulbright.

At least...I did...

And I'm not saying that I'll switch over to EPIK or maybe go to a different country. I've seriously contemplated going back home after this year.

Crazy! I know!

But, at the current moment, that's just where my head is and I wanted to make note of it. I'm not disregarding this feeling or thought because I made it during a not so good time for myself. It's still a very real feeling.

It's not shade at Korea or anything.

I'm just contemplating if teaching is really my thing...

It's especially hard when you're faced with misbehaving children. And I'm not talking about tantrum-ready, screaming children. I'm talking about kids who are quicker to curse you out and call you a pig. I've always said kids were mean, but sometimes...they can be particularly vicious.

Behavior like this is hard to correct. It's doable, but hard. And since we have a language barrier between each other, it's even harder. But you can be proud of me. I did not let it stop me. I'm not afraid to stop a lesson midway through and get serious. 

And why should I be afraid to do that? It'll ruin the lesson? Let's be real. The misbehavior has already ruined it.

I had had enough and pulled a full halt on everything. I cut them off. I stared them down. I spoke over them. I made sure I had everyone's attention. Then in as simple as possible with words I know they know, I told them: "No. I do not like bad words. You will not say 'fuck you', 'what the fuck', or 'mother fucker'. That is bad. No more."

Of course, there had to be that one kid who called me a 'pig' to lighten the mood. Shut that right down as well.

I've yet to escalate this to their homeroom teachers or my coteacher. Honestly, I don't know why I haven't. Maybe, it's because I want to try to handle it on my own, as I hadn't tried yet. It could be because of anything. As far as I see it, if it does happen again, I'll get serious again and bring it up to their teachers then.

I did not fly all the way across the planet to be disrespected or made fun of. And yes, kids are kids. But it doesn't mean they have to be horrible. That crap won't fly in the real world. And frankly, it doesn't matter that they're only elementary school kids, because they're still in the real world. I'm in the real world.

This behavior definitely will play a part in influencing whether I want to be here another year or not. To do three years would be beautiful, but...if reality is telling me differently, then it's telling me differently.

Are any of you having these thoughts of renewing your contracts or staying at your place of employment for another year?

If you wanna see what else I get up to while in Korea, please hit the 'FOLLOW' button on the right!

#SaveOurToya

Week 7 - Future Goals

Hi.

Can we take a minute to talk about my host family? Particularly, my host parents?

Because these are the lives I want to have.

They are happily married, sixth sense, and doing the happy couple thing. That's great and all things cute.

But. It's this next part that is, in my opinion, the best part.

Despite being extremely happy with their jobs, fully employed and well off, they live like they're retirees.

Not a care in the world, but completely determined. (Only retirees can be so paradoxical.)

They have a cabin. In the woods. Not just any woods. Up on a mountain.

Where they spend just as much time as they do in their town home. Pretty sure they'd rather be in their cabin on the mountain than in their town home. Not that it's a crazy bad town. It's cute and relaxing.

You can see the whole town from their apartment. I love it!

So hi. I'm Toya. I'm 24 years old and want to be a retiree.

Moving right along...

My host parents have been very nice to me, and quite funny. I want to say that they've gotten comfortable with me rather quickly and I with them.

Well, let me rephrase that. I don't feel hesitant to ask questions or to stumble through our language barrier.

That language barrier? It's there. There's no way it'll just disappear. Fact is fact.

But, I try here and there to add what little Korean I know, so that I can lessen the burden on their side.

What I do worry about is that I hope they're okay with me being a quiet person. I tend to be on the more quiet side until I'm comfortable and relaxed. Who knows when that part of me appears, but that'll happen at it's own time. And hey! Maybe by then, my Korean will be better?

They have been so kind to me, fixing my Korean whenever I stumble through or teaching me new words. I've learned how to say, 'what a waste'. Sounds like something my retiree persona would say all the time...

What do you guys think are some other phrases I should learn how to say?

Also! Before I forget, I wanted to show off the beautiful mountains that surround my little town! Please enjoy them~! (The last three are pictures from up on the mountain!)

당동	당동	당동

#SaveOurToya

Stronger than I Look - First Month Update

My feelings have reached a new level of exasperation. I am frustrated, apathetic, amused, challenged content, tired, disappointed, excited, and inspired. So much has happened in this month between meeting everyone in my cohort, teaching for the first time, workshops, and trying to figure out what this year will bring me.

Instead of studying for my midterm, I wanted to get something off my chest.

This last week has been...a challenge. I'm not too sure if I can get the words out- hell, I don't even think I can properly express these emotions properly.

Please be patient as I try to put feelings into words. This may be all over the place, but...meh. I'm okay with that.

During one of our workshops, Culture Shock was explained to us. It's not the first time I've heard of it, and I've learned some techniques to handle it during my many travels/moves. Thankfully, I haven't had to experience the intensity that Culture Shock can reach in my past.

But maybe I'll feel it while in South Korea? The culture is quite different from home and anywhere else I've traveled. It's still undetermined, but I'm hopeful that everything will work itself out the way it needs to.

I'm mentioning Culture Shock, because that's probably the first thing others bring up when what I'm about to express is used as an explanation for my feelings. And fine, it may play a role, but if it's one thing I know well, it's that there's more to a story, person, and feeling.

Everything has an origin story, but so much goes into that story that leaving anything out is not only a disservice to the story, but something else entirely. I cannot blame my emotions on Culture Shock, not alone.

Alright, enough stalling. Time to jump right in to the heart of the matter.

I want to read my posts from April and May, to see where my emotions were back then, but I'm hesitant. I had hopes and goals that I wanted to meet. I fear that reading those posts will bring my disappointment to the forefront. No one likes being disappointed in themselves. One day, I'll look at them again, but I don't think I'm in the right place currently to do that.

Why is dealing with emotions such a struggle?

I think I've reached a point in my Orientation where I'm asking myself why am I here. Yes...I have a duty as a cultural ambassador while here under Fulbright's name. A responsibility I am honored to uphold and wish nothing more than to be successful for my country and my communities that I represent, support, and adore.

I want nothing more than to do right by my students and my Homestay Family.

But...I want to do something more.

And yet...what is that more?

I titled this post Stronger than I Look, for two reasons. 1) A friend of mine recently gave me news that I'm on the right path that I need to be on. I will come across trials that may appear daunting, but I have what it takes to get passed it.

And 2) a shout-out to my past. Since as far back as I can recall, I've always took on many tasks and have made it my point to exceed all expectations no matter the request. Of course, I also know how to say 'no'. But more often than not, my quick mind comes up with multiple solutions or answers before I turn to 'no'.

Though my strength exists...I'm also tired. Perhaps, I should hold off on the more and take my time to live a life without the demands that I'm familiar with. I'm still not done with my journey, but there's no shame in getting off at a nearby rest stop. Who knows when I'll get this chance again to stretch my legs, using the bathroom, and restock?

What are my emotions?

What are my actions?

Who knows. But as of now, with one month behind me since I've come to Korea, guess we'll just have to wait and see what I get up to.

#SaveOurToya

Bye Bye UCF

It is 7:46am as I write this post and all because this morning, it really hit me. 😕

This is my last day at the University of Central Florida. I've been here for so long (7 years!) that it's kind of surreal. In the summer of 2011, I started working part time in the College of Sciences' Dean's Office. In the fall, I started undergrad. A year later, I was working full-time and going to school. By 2016, I had my B.A. and started graduate school, while still being employed at the university.

I've worked in three separate and vastly different departments on campus. And from each area, did I learn something new about myself.

These last seven years...I really can't put a word to it. I am thankful and honored for all of the people who I've met and while some of the experiences were less than ideal, I am better for it. There are so many people I want to give shout-outs to, but you all know who you are. If we've ever interacted, even as little as 'hi', thank you!

Now, it is July 2018, I am a two-time graduate of UCF, about to move abroad, and am only 24 years old. I think I'm doing this 'adulting' thing right. We can compare notes^^

It's been an adventure UCF, but gurl bye. 😘

#SaveOurToya

Frustration - My Old Friend

I just finished posting on FB that there are some individuals in my life who think I'm playing. Like I have the time and desire for these childish games.

I don't.

I really, really don't.

I don't know about the rest of the world, but I gotta live my Best Life. And my Best Life does not include having to decipher whether you're being honest with me, or have some ulterior motive. Nor does it include crying over the fact that you don't "like" this new me. If it really mattered, if I really mattered, this "new" me, wouldn't be a problem.

This huge change over me wouldn't be anything new. Sure, you'd see more determination, but that's about it.

I am done with these games.

Either grow up and shine your damn brightest, or be left here to wallow in your frustration and pettiness. Because this chica got places to be and life to experience that doesn't involve your two best friends.

#SaveOurToya